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Husband Issues

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Sep 19, 2021.

  1. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel that you are in an emotionally abusive marriage. We dont know his version. How are you treating him. Only you knows about the rest. But your posts clearly shows your anger / resentment or lack of respect towards him. But its like a double edged sword. It kills/ affects you more. Your negativity if any affects you more than him.
    Positive aspects only can conquer negative aspects. You can decide whether to respond or not, if yes, then how. Be practical than emotional.

    Try to talk, stand up for yourself, set bounaries, dont allow him to control you, do what you think is right, save your salary etc., are some steps. Don't yield to him when he mistreats you. You should learn how to convey your difference in a non confrontational way. It needs practice. When women long for emotional love and care, men prefers respect, physical love & admiration. But if your husband has any narcistic traits, its better to empower you and be neutral.

    He treats this way because you allowed him. He never faced any consequences. So he think he can easily do anything to hurt you. Dont give him the response he is looking for. Some men dont like to be questioned, dont like arguments or a nagging wife. They have patrarchial mindset and likes a submissive wife. You dont have to change who you are to please him, but need to remove any negativity from your side if you want a positive outcome. If you feel he ignores you for no obvious reason and dont communicate with you, learn to ignore him ( same medicine ) and be happy in your own world. He is behaving like a grown up child. A normal healthy person should know how to communicate the reason.

    If you are not happy, you always have the option to seperate. If not, try to emotionally detach, do bare minimum to him, focus on your career, kids and learn to enjoy your life.

    In all your posts, you are ruminating so much on why, what, how on his behavior. But this wont help you. Its just a waste of energy and time to worry about past. Its done. You cant reverse it. You have to make peace with it. So focus on present and make a list of what you can take or not and be firm. Think about how to improve your life.

    As you are employed ask about EAP, if possible talk to a counsellor or therapist. Vent all these bottled up emotions. It may help to flush out all negativity in your system.

    Accept that you cant control him or change him. It should come from his side. Dont chase him or pleade for love. It should be natural. Also, stop asking permission for every thing that matters to you. But for common topics on home or kids, discuss and decide. Also learn ignore certain things thats not going to affect your life and dont take every thing to your heart. Love and respect should be mutual, but you cant force anyone to love or respect you. But you can define the boundary on what you can take or not.

    You can also introspect any mistakes from your side. Your husband is clearly showing his frustrations or he is an abuser or have some personality disorder. We can't say what it is. Only you knows better. So try to live in the present and make your life better in whatever directions you like. Only you know what you want and work for it. Your life is your responsibility and take control of it. Try to be positive and create a positive atmosphere in home and enjoy your life with kids. Build your own life. Be your best version .That may help you to remain peaceful and happy.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
  2. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    regarding his mother and father his mother dominates his father in front of everyone and also insults him.
     
  3. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    He is a Womens man. Women are all over him. His colleagues are all women.
     
  4. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    I have somewhat of a similar problem. My husbands personality is so negative, and he gets it from his mother. For everything, he will just be like NO NO NO NO NO.

    You know what? These problems are personality traits, they will NEVER get resolved - there are only 2 options - either you get away from this (which you say you have thought about but won't do it) , or accept it. There is NO OTHER WAY!

    You cannot change him, you can only change yourself. Keep your sanity, peace and happiness in mind - and start focusing on your self. Change yourself to adjust to the situation. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. I learnt this the hard way - i also though about getting separated, but later realized this is destiny. There is no option but to escape or accept. Cowardly, i chose to accept.
     
    sarvantaryamini likes this.
  5. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    But how can you accept it ?? It hurts a lot. It makes you to blow up and have an outburst and ruin atmosphere at home. But like you said I think it is destiny. I have noticed that the second I get away from my husband someone else even my own family behaves like this too some friends. Out of whole population what are the chances of being near a group of people with the same negative characteristics. Sometimes I doubt myself but after analysis I know from my heart it is not me or something I’ve done. Like you said maybe it is a punishment from previous lifetime or something Thanks for your reply. Makes me feel a little better that I’m not the only one.
     
  6. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    Y
    You are definitely not alone darling. Many of us are going through the exact same thing.

    How can you accept it? With time, you become numb and such things won't matter to you. Also - its important that you distract yourself and focus on other things in life -job, hobbies, reading, crafting, friends, other family memebers, children etc etc.

    I won't exactly say it is a punishment from previous life - but maybe something similar.

    BTW if you feel everyone around is like that, then a part of the issue may also be your perception towards things. Don't let such things affect you so much - i know its easier said than done. but try my darling, try and try!
     
  7. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for kind words.
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Something children can inherit from their parents, and something they can imitate as well.

    It seems, your H is clearly ignoring you. This is a disrespect in a marriage.
    If he is doing all this following a dispute in the family, then you must address the cause of it. There is no point in talking about the symptoms here.
    However, if he is behaving for no apparent reason, chances are that he is following his parents' foot steps. This is a possible thing, and you need to act NOW.

    MY FIL always disrespects MIL in front of others. They are cool inside the house, and there wouldn't be any apparent reason to be so harsh before others. But, he still does that, which hurts and humiliates MIL big time.

    We were dating for many years before marriage. Never once my H disrespected me during that time. But after marriage, I noticed this pattern of extreme insult before others. That too, when there were no apparent disputes between us.
    I worked so hard and gave him an ultimatum to stop this once for all. He never repeats this ever again.

    But unfortunately, I saw the same pattern in my 10 year old son last week. I was shocked beyond words. He disrespected his younger sister during a wedding function, which made the young child speechless for a while. They were so close, and loving siblings. There were no reason to misbehave, and especially treat his sister so disrespectfully before others. But my son did that.
    He has never witness his dad disrespecting mom (because dad has very much stopped that when the child was too young... and never has a close connection with his grand parents to witness their life as such)
    I believe it is genes...
    I, immediately recognized this gene disorder and made sure he will never repeat this in his life.

    It is easier to repair young kids than broken adults. Act NOW
     
  9. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    tomorrow it’s thanksgiving and again same old nuisance. I’m in the kitchen he’s in the hall with kids. I can hear what they talk. He tells my daughter we’re going out to relatives place that he had surgery. I mean isn’t that something he should be telling me so I can get things ready for that ??? Like cooking getting kids ready etc. what will a kid do by knowing that but I need to know that !! And he doesn’t tell me anything !!!
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If he doesn’t tell you anything and wants to take your kids to visit then why don’t you step back and let him? He can get them ready on his own and go and you can relax at home.
     
    chanchitra and radv like this.

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