Husband Is Not Ready For Anything, Everything Starts With A Big No.

Dear "Wonderlyf "<Substitute your real name here>,
I am sure you are having a happy life and managing everything well.
When ever I have been to my in-laws house, I used to be very normal.I do all the house hold stuff on time and make sure everything thing is available on time.
My DH is home sick person, we have been married for 8 years now, but I haven't been to any trip vd my husband he spend all his vacations in his home town
‌He is very normal there, he actively takes part in every thing but he becomes very lazy here(in his own home) not willing to leave sofa or bed, not willing to go out on weekend even for grossary etc.
‌He doesn't talks me clearly.
‌He doesn't speak often its like something is in his mind which stops him. He is not willing to talk whenever I speak he usually said, we will discuss it later n if I raised the topic later or some other day he shows he is least interested and again postpones the matter, I have never felt like I have put my point successfully in front of him cz he is never willing to discuss and if I stretch the matter, the situation gets worst and lead to a huge fight.
‌He postpones all home related tasks, whether it is related to buying anything for home, repairing etc in contrast in our 15-20 days trip to our hometown he buys many house hold things replaces the old appliances vd latest one buy n search online rigorously for latest stuff from his parents, he never suggests or think for buying anything for our home or kids. lnstead if I ask him, "can we buy this? " he said, it's up to u. I will give u money if u wish u can buy, he never put any single effort for growth of his own family.
‌He never help me in any household stuff like cleaning, buying he is like always absent/sleeping here and when he is n his hometown he does all the cleaning, mopping, repairing, wipes and clean every single corner there and before leaving his parents house he makes sure everything thing is clean and placed properly. And here in his own home he is totally numb nt willing to take responsibility for his wife and kids but hez very responsible, cautious and honest to his parents.
He and his family takes me and my parents for granted. He copies his parents in everything thing, his parents never speak good about me or my parents, his parents also speak abusive words for me but he never takes any stand for his family. He always speaks his father words, they manipulated him, we both are in opposite directions, i has no opinion hez madly Influenced by his mom n dad, it really hurt when he takes me for granted, he is fully available for his parents and least interested in his own family affairs, I feel like I am under constant pressure and all alone.
What is to become of me ? Is there any solution ?

Nonya (put in any name you like).

Print the letter and mail it to yourself. Consult with your husband on how you can help your friend.

 

Ah... you have decided that your case is thoroughly hopeless, eh ? In cases like this, you must always remember how fortunate you are, to be able to write "if I ask him, "can we buy this? " he said, it's up to u. I will give u money if u wish u can buy,".
When you are this lucky, you must buy up things that are consumables, that is, those that do not exist to show how you had spent the money. And build up a separate bank account for future use.

In many unfortunate cases, the husband would tell her to manage without the whatever she asked for.

 

pack your bags and go on a trip somewhere atleast for a week, let your husband fend for himself. when neck is deep in water even a elephant starts swimming .

 

Such schemes tend to backfire. Elephant would find a comfortable mud-wallow for the duration, and the mahout will have to come from her holidays to find a huge task ahead.
In many households, disaffection tends to be cumulative, and suddenly two fifty year olds who thoroughly despise each other would find themselves cohabiting. We often read in these threads people suggesting that one has to "work on the marriage". Unless someone in the twosome takes it upon the self to engage the other in some sort of cooperative venture now and then, the tough life will get tougher, and the clever one will have to plan for the future.... in whatever manner that would turn out to be.
Having access to the family's money is a good thing. Making sure that children are taken care of, and well-launched into their lives would be the priority project rather than worrying about swimming elephants.

 

Some men are not mature enough to realize that their wife and child should be their first priority and then the parents come next. Was your husband like this from the time you got married or is this a side effect of listening to his parents? Is it possible that this is his way of getting you both to move in with his parents ?

 

Sorry to hear that. It is really unfortunate that parents would want to disrupt their son's family life by talking bad about his spouse. It is also unfortunate that the son chooses to listen to his parents and strain the relationship with his wife, not realizing that the wife will be his companion / partner for most of his life including the old age. But this happens often and I have seen it in my own relatives. You should have a chat with the husband and clarify your expectations from the marriage . Since he is still a mamma's boy and influenced heavily by them, don't talk anything about his parents.
If he does not want to discuss, put your foot down and make him listen. If there is anyone in your husband's family that is reasonable and your husband listens to, have them talk to him .



QUOTE="Wonderlyf, post: 3979306, member: 470680"]This is the side effect of listening his parents, and sometimes it becomes very difficult to move on.[/QUOTE]

 

I think he wants to show his parents what a good husband he is. If he cleans and works and does household things in his home town, his parents must be assuming he does the same with you also. But its not true. He wants to show a good image in front of his parents - even if it is not the truth.
It seems like he is more comfortable living with his parents than with you. Acc to me, he is not comfortable with you. Try and make him relaxed - what makes him happy - do that. If he is mentally relaxed , he will feel like going out.
8 years is a long time, you should have addressed this issue much before.
If nothing works - tell him ur thoughts clearly. Ask him why he behaves like this at home and why he behaves like that in his hometown? Ask him to change his behaviour. Give him an ultimatum about a vacation - once a year vacation is MUST to be happy in life !!