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Husband giving money to SIL against my wishes

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by abc00, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    My SIL (stays in India) in the past had given me so much stress and hurt, even hubby is aware of it. Inlaws gave my place to her and she used to dominate all the decisions.She tried to interfere in my married life and tried to brainwash hubby against me through emails....but somehow.. i got out of the mess and have been living abroad with hubby who now says he understands (as they are away) and gives me freedom financially.

    Now the issue is SIL needs money for some purpose and wants around Rs.50k from hubby as loan. Hubby without even discussing with me has given his consent in a matter of seconds over phone. THis has been a cause of tension b/w us. I do not trust SIL and finding it hard to believe that she will return the money back. Im looking for some sort of written document or evidence before proceeding with this.

    We had enough sessions about me saying she has humiliated me so much in the past and is now looking when it comes to money. She or her husband doesnt deal with this directly...its all a hush-hush b/w brother-sister.


    When i opposed to give money, hubby is calling me mean and says inspite of he giving me enough freedom and good life, im being selfish by not helping. Now my point is not to make life so easy for her to get such a big amount in just a phone call. He could have consulted or said some excuse and discussed with me and over a period of time decided...but no...iim very upset over this issue.

    I felt bad when hubby said its his money and can do whatever he likes. He was such an angel until this happened. Dont know what happens when his folks call him. I have been working so hard for this family but the money aspect pisses me off. I desperately felt the need to take up a job bcos his comments has hurt my self-respect. He talks about budget only when it comes to my/kids spending.

    Im only in very formal cordial terms with SIL. I dont feel like talking to anyone after this .

    How should i react? If hubby goes ahead with the decision, what care should i take?
     
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  2. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Why can't you just call her and give her left and right?
    I have enough experience in this matter same like you and once I fought with my Dh so badly and called my in laws and just blasted out.

    From then both the sides ( DH and in laws) are not dare enough to behave the same as they did before.

    My Dh was highly not pleased with my above action then, but some how my phone call has created at least some changes in their attitude towards me.Now I am happy that I did the right thing in the right time.
     
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  3. Reflection123

    Reflection123 New IL'ite

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    50K...is $1000 for NRIs. To be honest, that is not such a big amount to lend in present times.
    Don't spoil things for this amount. I would be depressed if I weren't able to help my brother with this much money if he needed me to lend that much to him.

    However....if its your SIL's habit to take money and not return it, and if you've experienced that a few times..I feel you should take a stand against giving this loan. If its a stand-alone instance...let him lend the money, its not a big deal.
     
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  4. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    a brother will always help his sister no matter how she behaves with his wife.so be diplomatic and leave it as it is to avoid further arguements
     
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  5. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    he gave it without even talking to you, that shouldn't happen. he must speak to you even if he has made up his mind to give. that's called giving importance to the wife and her opinion. he was wrong there,

    here is something that I feel - dont misunderstand me -

    is it because he knows that you would object? then i feel there is bad example set here, knowingly or unknowingly - by you.

    it is after all 1000$, and it looks like it is not a regular occurrence. you must make him understand that it is not about the money, it is about the fact that he doesnt think it is important to ask your opinion. For that may be you should change your own focus away from the money issue.

    if it is about the previous hell she created for you, then talk to your husband about it.. tell him how her behaviour has hurt you and thats why this money issue (that is the fact that he couldn't even take your opinion before committing) specifically irritates your even more.

    tell him that if he behaves like this, your SIL will never have any respect for you and only if he gives his wife due respect will others aloso give.

    explain it is NOT the money per se, it is the attitude.

    GL
     
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  6. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    Reflection, im sorry to post it wrong. The amount is rs.50lacs and not 5lacs.
     
  7. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    I want to be more clear about what ive written. SIL has a very luxurious life there and both she and her husband are earning and leading a lavish life...but she has the habit of interfering and spoiling my happiness. Its been a decade that i have stopped venturing in whats going on with inlaws as i dont talk to them nor they do.

    @soulful, i have made it very clear to hubby about the past hurt. Its not that im hyping up things, he was first hand witness to all those bitter incidents. For many years, i could not forgive him for not standing up for me, but he made sure to keep me seperate and give me a good life and has kept up that promise...but giving money to someone whos stinking rich seems to be very unreasonable for me and that too in a span of five minutes decision.

    I dont mind if im labelled as a nagging wife. Im working hard for my family too and saving money by spending less, looking for coupons,car pooling etc When it comes to my spending (for eg a good vacation or some jewellery) my husband will talk about budget,cutting costs etc He sometimes comments that im becoming lazy and want to skip cooking always by eating outside, Ever since he made this statement i have reduced outside eating also. I want to stop completely but kids are involved here.

    Will keeping me seperate from mean inlaws make me owe to him for life long? Im a very liberal person and did not mind husband giving loan to his cousins and friends too and not pester him about recovery also. I let him cherish his friendship too, but here im forced to have a happy face and behave normal.

    When i spoke about past incidents, he says he doesnt remember any of it. Just for testing him, i asked if he will spare the same amount for my siblings and he says yes happily.

    What do i do?
     
  8. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    50 lakhs? ooh.. thats a huge amount.. I understand your worry - well if you have that kind of money to LEND, i would say OK, she is The sister afterall - but then I wonder, what makes you think she will not return so much money? i mean - it is more difficult for someone to not return so much money. most of all persons with whom you have to live for ever. Relationships would be destroyed if such things happen. your husband will not keep quiet and your SIL will also not want to spoil the relationship. So i feel that you are unnecessarily worrying about getting back the money. BUT Yes, I repeat, He not talking to you inspite of the amount being huge - is certainly not acceptable. you have to talk to him and ask him, has he thought about future expenses? kids? education? investment? etc.. and most important of all - why he doesn't think it worthwhile to talk to you. do it calmly, dont give him the impression that you are heartless.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2012
  9. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    just read your latest post :you know what is the mistake here - he tells you something and you act upon it to please him -

    example : he says you are lazy and dont want to cook, you stop eating outside.

    Have been there, done that
    ok - do you really eat out very often? I am assuming Not:

    if he says you are lazy, then say ya - am lazy. lets go out to eat. see the fact is - he knows the truth and the truth is you go out to have a change and not because you are lazy.. and also you know the truth. then why fear? want to buy jewellery (it must be a justifiable purchase) - say it is an investment for the kids.

    see the coupon and stuff, you would have done even if you had not had this problem, so do not think about that - because that is something we Indian women are born with (looking for deals). you must know what is right and justified - all you have to do is be answerable to your conscience. be just and always check with your conscience if your thinking is right or wrong - act accordingly.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2012
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  10. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    When i talk about future he says im mean by comparing the investments for kids versus SIL at this time, He says he will talk about it later and i should not mix these topics. Im trying to maintain cool and slowly broach the topic but he leaves the place and locks himself in the room. I cannot even shout in the presence of kids.Feeling helpless.
     

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