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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    You have endured a lot no question. It seems like your life is a rollercoaster- lot of ups and downs in spite of your best efforts. So just as a precaution, since his moods and behavior can change without warning I suggest you start documenting some of the things you are undergoing. If you are contributing have proof, if he’s drinking a lot save the receipts or some other way to show his excesses. Keep a paper trail and keep it quietly ... do not slip up and warn him you are doing this in a fit of anger. Keep this with you and keep adding to it... just in case.
    While it is true that courts tend to award joint custody that’s contingent on a lot of things. No court will give custody of small children to an alcoholic, I can assure you. And they are not stupid just to take his word for it if he denies, he has to go for medical tests and also psychological evaluations for both of you to check for fitness to parent (suppose for eg., you guys have a fight, he’s drunk and threatening you, police are called) so don’t be afraid to seek help.
    Even if he was not a drunk, even if it’s sober person with anger problem or domestic violence incident they do all the above as a matter of procedure, this much I do know. And he has to show proof and jump through lot of hoops before they will increase his custody ratio. I’m just mentioning all this for your information. So that you understand that in our society unlike India you do have options.

    For example did you know he doesn’t actually have to slap you or beat you or for you have marks on you to charge him with assault or battery? Please read up on what is considered the charge of ‘assault’ and the charge of ‘battery’ in your county or state. It will open your eyes. It certainly opened mine. Did you know that even spitting on someone is considered battery and threatening to do so is considered assault? If he ‘could’ have, even if he didn’t he can be charged - all you have to state to the officer is that you felt threatened and endangered. I got this info directly from a police sergeant in my town in a class I attended so I‘m not just speculating here. Please, please read up on these. These laws are made for our safety but so many Indian women go through so much just because of their ignorance. They simply don’t know or just assume all is same like it is back in India or as shown in Indian movies.

    I’m writing all this to make you realize you do have options, that if you ask for help and get help you don’t automatically become the bad guy who broke your home, you can even make a condition that he goes to rehab and gets treatment for his addiction, you will reconsider and take steps to reunite - so many options are there. It’s not like you pull the trigger and everything gets shattered.
     
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  2. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    hi Ddream. Thank you very much ! I know how important it is to have a job. And I want to be financially independent and I’m fighting for that. I saw many of my friends who’s husbands give them money or give a card for spendings and before having a gals outing they make sure gals have money. I never had that freedom, faced awkward situations when trips r made to India and dh would go invisible mode. Like it’s not his responsibility, even when occasions come he just doesn’t like spending money on anything, he thinks it’s waste to throw a birthday party or call few friends over. Always related to money.. and work involved will be an escape for him.

    But I always made sure to celebrate his birthday call friends or his relatives over so he feels good..

    And always cut a cake when I initiate.. he does celebrate after i arrange for it..but he does nothing for me.. it’s been not a year he did anything for me.. like the dialogues he says im good for nothing, useless.. he actually makes me feel that way on my birthday too… that’s how psychotic he is .. doesn’t even wish or brings a cake or a new dress while I make sure to buy foe him. Growing up all I knew was wearing a new dress going to a temple and spending good time with loved ones.. his treatment every year feels disgusting and I stopped expecting anything..


    I like the way you analyze things, ideally i need to pay as per how much I make. He’s commanding 50% equal, I tried to explain but not ready to listen. He is still angry and not thinking. I said I am ready to contribute but divide percentage as per what we both make, he makes more obviously.. how can he expect equal amt in expenses.

    I will let him know what you explained here— when he’s ready to listen.

    After I opened separate acc he doesn’t want common credit card. Randomly cancelled, He never added me to his savings, always said it’s for new home, but never initiates.. we have been renting for very long time. Used all my rime in chores and no daycare whole year in 2020 and he did saved up a lot having my support saying he’s working hard for us, also took multiple job (though couldn’t keep up due to his drinking and stress levels ) but always cribbed about making money for new home.

    When I ask he still says it’s for home etc.

    But never ready to share but I’m supposed to keep mine transparent He was just transferring all the money to his savings where I don’t have access. I have to keep asking for every little thing and he was getting annoyed for spendings made after I have the job also.

    No support just behaves same.. daily drinking and arguments.. even when hard days of trying job, every failure of Interview he only made fun of me and tested my IQ asking questions.. compared with his siter iq with me(she never worked her whole life, but compares with her)when drunk, He would start asking questions and forces to answer how much I know and proves how stupid I am and how useless I’m and not worthy. Why should anyone give a job to such worthless piece kind of words he used.. Obviously when no encouragement and so much criticism how can I trust him. He pressured me so much for getting job, showing frustration that everyday by criticizing.. while pandemic kids being home how would it be possible. Still situation outside is not better, just managing by sending them to daycare.

    he loves to pick after getting drunk even when ur not in a mood to talk or reply he will just provoke and make me say something ans points out what is said was not right or how can I think that way… basically behaves erratic after getting drunk. No sense, it’s his booster ro build energy to win a stupid argument ro show how powerful he is. Satisfies his ego only torturing me he’s all super kool with others outside or his folks. Basically he just cries to provide for family he was never ready maybe, the way he lead his lifestyle like a bachelor. With others there’s no money involved so he’s kool with them.

    Some days the way he keeps arguing for one point foe hours together without making any sense brings me to my wits I get so annoyed and feel such helpless I cry or just don’t want to talk he doesn’t let me go or stop. Such heart less brute.

    I’m 100% sure I shouldn’t be with him, I don’t want my kids to witness this bs Its not in my control.

    The way u said I could only control myself. Even then it’s not helping he makes a big drama front of kids picking fights. Doesn’t have sense that kids r watching and he’s such a bad influence to kids, daily drinking drama and accusations.. I just hate the way he’s brought up. I hate his mom for this, she just encourages his bad habits, which mother likes thier kids to spoil but she does.. they all encourage his drinking, a man will drink and not a woman in her world. So it’s okay.. she never faced this abuse herself so how would she know. But happily enjoys the show her son does with me.


    His alcoholism is making him not keep up with relationships as he behaves erratic and insane only with spouse.

    But when I’m crying helplessly due to his torture he shows how weak I’m . He being mentally strong person. I’m gonna make u weak and protect kids from a weak person. Backfiring at me for feeling sad and helpless to. Taking every chance to use in his favor.

    I’m at a point where let him file for divorce and I will get my kids out of this mess. I don’t need him to abuse me mentally emotionally, who doesn’t want to change a bit or stop his alcoholism.. I am better off away from him.

    He knows kids r my weak point and he’s just using them for his ego satisfaction to torture me. He’s a psycho who enjoys me crying and not happy..

    If not for me he should fix his alcoholism for kids in future. Eventually his abusive nature kids will also start realizing when they grow big. If not now later he will face the repercussions of his alcoholic abuse.. and loose custody, his way of torturing kids is, he wont buy this that for them, controls them and manipulates little brains saying how his mother is not good.

    He’s been telling my kids about getting divorced soon, we both r going to split. How an 4.5yr old would understand.. and he’s freaking kids out with this divorce announcement.

    This bloody fellow should know he cannot make kids feel helpless, he shall man up and be responsible towards them and try to provide a comfortable environment than he himself behave like one monkey in zoo with drinks. God knows when he will know how to behave.. His Crappy parents might’ve raised him same way so he’s behaving with my kids this horrid.

    Doesn’t know the importance of a wife but very much gives important to mom sis dad and could be acting infront me.. doesn’t know how to talk, shouting outside house .. yelling about what’s happened at home outside to make all hear and know what’s happening with us. Like an announcement.. who cares what happens to us, like they will come take care of him if I’m gone.

    Doesn’t know there’s something called privacy in relationship.. things that need to be kept in bedroom discussions also keeps outside.. which gal will respect such cheap mentality.

    Like u said he doesn’t need my permission to do it .. he’s just playing this as a threat game with me and now with kids..

    Yes I have to try to get independent as much. I will try my best.
    He could tell me amicable and solve the issues rather chooses to yell, control and command this and that..
    (I somehow feel my account is hacked, he hacks my laptop, phone and I kind of sense he’s following this thread and being silent watcher. How do I protect myself. He did read all my posts and knows it’s me.. )
    He used to accuse me while I was being with kids feeding cooking etc thinks as simple job.. one week strictly I left to him to feed them, I was cooking plating up and left a he could feed , few days he did and is super frustrated on me. Now complains how much time ur takes to feed the kids.. while I bath kids, cook, clean them, make them sleep still doing all this.. this fellow wants a bachelor life. Doesn’t want to do anything..

    — sorry for long post and venting.. I
    don’t have a let out. As I cannot express my thoughts anywhere better than here. — excuse the lengthy paras and Paragraphs r in disorder.. I typed all this on phone so unable to edit properly.
    —big thank you for taking time for your inputs and trying to help
     
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  3. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sandhya thanks for your reply and suggestions.. yes the things you’ve mentioned regarding battery of assault, things like spitting, he already did with me. He calls me bitch and FO I called the cops and showed the abuse he had done to me.. pushing and getting physical abuse, they wanted ro arrest I requested them not to.. this man is very revenge type.. he will show it on me n kids if he goes under bars coz of me. But he manipulated with me with these kind of things in the past when my little one was born I was new mom dealing with postpartum depression as had kids back to back with his pressure, on top of it he used to not be there with kids always drunk and staying outside late until morning while I was making elder kid sleep other room and little one being colic it was such a rough phase If not help I wanted him to sleep with elder kid so I could watxh new born. He just behaved insane .. while these disturbances were happening his folks encouraged him when I complained he’s being very irresponsible. They all decided to fix me instead and without even me touching him he lodged a false complaint saying I tried to push him and the cops filed a complaint against me. More than me he knows all these rules very well and manipulates. He behaves super cool when cops arrive n behaves like one gentlemen very well behaved and with high respect.. putting all the blame on me in a subtle way. He must be aware of all these rules and played one me first. Since then I decided to take things on control .. I am never threatening type or used cops or even thought as an option because with in a family we fight and do what ever but end of the day it’s ur family. But he used cops on me and abused me,, changed my whole thought process. I never wanted cops in my house.. I wanted a peaceful life and this man won’t be it otherwise..
    Fast fwd— After refusing to arrest, cops r frustrated that why I had called them. And stopped to help me.. as I call them but don’t let him charge. This might’ve annoyed them.. now last piece of advice he gave is to file divorce and move out of the house ASAP. As I’m in a abusive relationship.. he suggested him to fix his alcoholism by joining AA. WHixh he did but doesn’t follow ..
     
  4. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi thanks for your suggestions bringing my folks he would abuse more mentally and uses them more. He uses my parents foe all his services.. makes my mom cook what he likes to eat and doesn’t even bother to offer them back and uses my dad like a helper it suxks my parents are naive do anything when asked without watching their capabilities.. I feel tortured seeing them getting troubled. He’s abusive and manipulative towards my folks too. While he brings his folks and makes me as thier maid .. so he uses us just in his favor. Doesn’t understand an importance of woman.. child bearing phase it’s so rough. This man says everyone else is bearing kids unlike u so don’t complaint.. for him it’s all easy to bear a child go through the phase of caring new born. Hypocrite .. when small injury happens cannot tolerate but gives a lecture on how a woman should be and capable of
    I wish I could go to India but not sure with this flights status.. bad timing.
    All I know is we need a break from each other. If me and kids r away for sometime then it can help him realize our importance
     
  5. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    OMG ..feel for you...Please.come out of this mess.You and kids deserve better life ahead.I wish you find out a rescue path soon.Prayers..
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    When you call the police, regardless of if you pursue charges or not, the police do file an incident report for their records. This is therefore documented. I hope their suggestions of asking you to leave because of the abuse is also documented.

    Most officers probably are aware of the victims hesitancy to charge abusive partners so I don’t think they are going to hold it against you or not come. If your spouse is involved in calling the cops on you and collecting evidence etc, you should probably contact a lawyer before you start posting things online.

    Cease all contacts with the in laws using text messages or whatsapp. Stop putting things in writing. Get legal help first.

    Be careful what you talk in the house. If he’s instigating you into a fight, walk away and don’t engage.

    Get some real help in terms of counseling(via your insurance) and some legal help soon. People on the forum can help you only so much. You do need real on the ground support.

    I think this money division, chore division etc are not your biggest issues right now. Right now, focus on staying safe, keeping the kids relatively unaffected and stop picking losing battles. You already know he isn’t going to work with you on anything. Your marriage has crossed the point of no return. Get help and do it soon.

    Btw - him testing your IQ, comparing it to sister, arguing to make you seem weak and incapable are all signs of someone with very low self esteem. He basically has to put you down to feel better about himself and his family.

    You are not gaining anything by prolonging your agony but don’t bring up divorce, separating etc with him. He may react and you don’t know how. Have a plan and legal help first before you initiate anything at home. Every state is different in terms of legal proceedings so it’s important you find a lawyer in your area to help you navigate the specifics of your situation. The lawyer will be able to get the prior police incident reports(both times) and advice you on the best course of action.

    Take care OP. You do need some help and I hope you find it.
     
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  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Finest Post Winner

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    Why
    Why would you not insist on alimony? This is one of the biggest mistakes women make when they get divorced- as if you are punishing yourself for making the tough decision that no one else wants to make.

    You are very strong, and seem to know what you want in life. Go for it! Life is meant to be peaceful, but I unnecessarily complicate it by letting people cross our boundaries. I will share my experiences in the next post, maybe it can help someone.
     
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  8. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    @AmulB- i am crying on seeing how abusive your spouse is and you are such a good mom n good wife and STILL, he tried to send you behind bars...

    I can understand cop's frustation when the victim would call for help but not let them charge the abuser..You need very very long therapy for not being able to see the abuse being done to you....

    I agree with @Laks09 - YOUR MARRIAGE IS AT POINT OF NO RETURN---

    Please for the love of your kids , please please think of them because how can any good mom let her kids see such abuse, where the husband tries to send a good mom and good wife that he abuses regularly, behind bars on false charges !!!

    Please take lessons from indian history where indian women were so BRAVE that the queen of jhansi went to fight teh invaders with her very little baby tied on her back...

    Please be a GOOD mother..... your being good wife does not mean you can let your kids see such abuse that you are bearing from your husband..

    i am sorry, I am CRYING as I am typing this , your children deserve a very good mom who will keep herself safe from the abuser ( here, its YOUR HUSBAND) so that your children can see happiness in their lives and are subconsciously not affected in a bad way...

    Please consult a good lawyer..i think your husbands' alcoholism and repeated cop callin incidents will most probably give you primary custody ...plus, he earns more than you so i think you are going to get good child support and alimony, in case of divorce...i know of a woman n she made good money but less than her husband, still she got very good alimony settlement, in divorce in CA.

    I am scared for the next woman your husband marries, after divorce, if he does remarry ( God, protect that woman)...
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2021
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  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Finest Post Winner

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    Hello OP and everyone,

    I have not posted in the group in a long time, but much of my circumstances have evolved, and I am still undergoing the process of healing.

    I was married (arranged) to a man that my parents really liked and respected. In fact, I think they like him over me. But I do know they loved me, just thought that the status quo is better than me being alone. My husband was emotionally and financially abusive during my pregnancy, and post pregnancy, he had instances of being physically abusive as well. I never considered it real DV in my case - since I never feared for my life, just my mental health. We had a child together, and that was the only reason I felt like I needed to stay in the marriage. But there was another component - I feared living apart and fending for myself too. So despite the tough circumstances, I knew that I at least had a roof over my head and food was available. I also had a hard time getting my parents to support and understand how damaging being with my ex is. So I had to leave without their blessing, which was really tough. I waited until I was employed to leave, but I had very little in savings. The day that I planned to move out, my parents dropped at my doorstep to "divorce the right way". There is no such thing, btw. But they insisted I go to India, and go to counseling to save my marriage. We did do that - while living separately in India. My savings was drained, and I didnt even get to have my son for some of that time because of the circumstances. But I overcame that... and it is because of my good friends reminding me that my life is in my hands. Even deciding to stay, I have responsibility on my action to stay (that I am not a victim of my life). So with $2000 to my name, I returned to the US and ended up without a place to live. I staying in Airbnb's, trying to figure out my next step. Thankfully, My friend had allowed me to stay with her rent free, while I searched for a job.

    This happened until my ex decided to take legal action and said that I kidnapped my child and fled the area. He also insisted that I abused my child and requested an emergency screening for the safety of the child. This was extremely tough, and I broke down, but I also knew I had to fight. I had a lawyer contact (not hired, just talked to them) before I left the area, and got their help to fight in family court. The lawyer helped me defend my rights and the tables got turned on my ex - he ended up having to pay my lawyer fees especially once abuse towards our child was ruled out (he had to pay extra for the doctor who examined our child since I was not employed either - this was all judge mandated) My ex did not file for divorce, because he thought that he could pressure me financially and legally to return to him. He also thought the court would grant him 100% custody of our child. I didn't file since I wasn't employed or ready to enter a legal battle. But I finally did file for a divorce, so he was obligated to pay child and spousal support. I had also luckily found a job and a place to live. This turned the tide, because I was finally able to create a stable environment for my kid.

    We had 50/50 custody of our son, which was difficult, but since my son was still well taken care off (fed, clothed, etc), by my ex-inlaws, I put those fears to rest, at least for that time being. I started working on healing myself when I didn't have my child, so that I was an amazing parent to him when he was with me. It's been 2 years - and honestly, I started having a happy life after leaving that house. I am still financially troubled and the legal stuff is still happening, and my parents also disowned me, but the peace of mind is priceless. I am able to be the parent I want to be for my child. I am still working on healing myself from the trauma, but I found an amazing support system through meetup. The challenges that I face are difficult, but nothing as difficult as the mental torture I had in my marriage. My child has never insisted that we get back together - he is happy and only annoyed that its not convenient to shuttle between households. But his quality of life also improved due to the separation. The biggest benefit that I did for him, is introduce him to other single parents and children from divorced families. It normalized his unique circumstances, so he doesn't feel like he is suffering (he only thinks that things are bad, when my ex-inlaws pity him and tell him how sad they are about everything)

    I am sharing this story, so that you all understand that there is hope and life can be quite beautiful. It is hard to see it when you are suffering in a hell of a marriage.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Its a very toxic marriage. Its not good for your kids or you.

    You have to be really smart to manage this situation. First of all change passwords of your accounts. Also your phone. Lock it. Use phone to communicate only if its safe. Be extra vigilent.

    Do not share your personal or professional details with your husband or inlaws. Talk only about weather, kids or common things.

    As your text or audio or email can be used as evidence, be careful about sharing anything to your dh or inlaws. Dont complain about dh to inlaws, they will support him, not you.

    Let your husband say whatever he wants, just give a blank look and dont say anything that can be used as evidence. Clearly he is trying to provoke you, dont fall into that trap.

    As you are employed ask for EAP, they will help you to find a counsellor in your region and cover a few sessions for free. These counsellors can help you to find an attorney. If not, directly contact a divorce attorney. As police case is involved, I guess you may be able to get full custody. Attorneys can help you on how to legally collect evidence against dh. They also have private investigators to help. I remember an old post where OP of that post used an audio recorder 24/7 in their house. So learn more on how to collect evidence. Rules can change from one state to another. So you need to learn the laws in your state.

    Never say no to ailmony, property or anything that you are legally entitled to. Dont agree with some thing that you dont want to.
    As your husband is an abuser and sadist, he will try all tricks or manipulate the situation So watch youtube videos on how to divorce from an abuser or narcistic person. That will give you some idea.

    You have the option to legally seperate or divorce. But never reveal your plans to dh.

    Your job is important, so focus on that very well.
    Get copy of all legal documents, bank accounts , tax returns etc..
    Never reveal anything to your dh until you are ready to take the next step.
    All I can say is to take control of your life. Its very unhealthy to stay in this marriage.
    If you are confused, dont take any drastic or emotional decision. Now you have to use your brain than your emotions.
    Calm down, empower yourself with information needed and gain courage. Talking to a counsellor may help to get clarity. You and your kids deserve better. Hugs to you.
    Have a great exit plan if you dont want to continue in this abusive marriage. Only you can take a decision. I feel that you need prifessional help, IL have limitations.

    If your dh is watching this thread, dont reveal your plans here. Be smart. Consult a lawyer as soon as possible and keep every thing as secret till you are ready to reveal to dh. I wont suggest anyone to continue in an abusive marriage.

    @BhumiBabe, not many have the courage to follow your path. I am happy that you are healing from the past trauma and going strong. Wish you a very happy life.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2021
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