1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    104
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Good question.. I keep thinking in same lines. But If I was alone without kids I wouldn’t had thought and just be gone.
    I grew up with parents and had known that it’s very comforting to kids to grow in such environment (mentally, emotionally) where both parents raise their kids together. And could be fear of unknown. I don’t know.. I’m just giving chance for my kids to not have broken family.
     
  2. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    104
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for your reply.. I used to be dependent on him financially until I started working. But since pandemic started he took dishes as his daily chores help. All these years I never had his help.. after so many fights regarding his drinking habit, to escape from that without even me telling he started doing dishes. And he shows the frustration to do even that, some days he would stop or video conference to folks to show how he’s cleaning and kept.
    Yes there are differences- he’s veggie by birth but got used to eat meat after coming to states.
    after making a nice meal, he doesn’t leave the chance to complain before eating, that how eating veggie food is waste.. he miss eating his chicken, or he didn’t had option. Sometimes after food is ready he will go pick up something, I say he could inform early so I don’t end up cooking for him and his varieties, I could eat the food I make for kids. The story is endless.. sometimes he throws the food I prepare by leaving outside or not eat until am by being only on drinks. I felt abused for my efforts.. now when I say l contributed equally by taking care of the family while he provided.. he never agrees to it.
    Yeah he doesn’t want to provide my health insurance.. Or do my tax filing. the moment I got a job he wanted me to pick my own insurance I felt very weird.
    he’s not even giving me some time to sustain in this job .. to get to a comfort level where I need little support. Actually I just don’t expect anymore .. I feel glad when he doesn’t disturb me anymore.. the silent days are far better than abusive days. If there is no talking better it is for me.
     
  3. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    415
    Likes Received:
    486
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Ok, the reason I mentioned veg/non veg is if he is already non veg, under the given circumstances you are inviting headache by enforcing veg food on the kids. Diet is the least of your worries compared with alcoholism. That's why. Good to know that you got some help due to job. Just don't get into a situation where your job gets affected. Take care and try to be calm and patient although it is not easy.
     
    AmulB likes this.
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,117
    Likes Received:
    5,431
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    In the US courts will almost always award joint custody. Thats a big reason why many mothers of very young children stay in tough situations.
     
    AmulB likes this.
  5. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    104
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Completely agree. Diet is not an issue anymore but impositions to do that this even after doing everything.. just finding reasons to pick on me to show how bad I am as a mother -in his ideology.
     
  6. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    104
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree.. that’s why they keep threatening divorce. For women it’s better to have kids be seen 24/7 in her presence than lead separate lives where you loose control over ur own kids. Feels unfair that as a woman u birth the kids give them a new life and laws have their own theory. I cannot imagine not seeing kids even for a day. And clearly my h is taking advantage of my attachment towards kids.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,575
    Likes Received:
    3,328
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Congratulations on your new job.

    Ideally, contributing to household expense is expected when both earn. But it should be proportional to what you earn. For example if he earn 70 K and you earn 30K. Your total is 100K. ( It should be after taxes). So you only have to pay 30% of total expenses. No court will say you have to pay 50%. In addition he has to contribute 50% to household jobs. So find an amicable solution. I guess, you know how much he is earning and decide how much you can contribute. But don't yield to his controlling behavior. Keep your own separate account.

    If you both agree and are transparent , any combinations or solutions are possible. If not, you need to find what works for you.

    Another way is to open a common account and common credit card , but you both contribute to the account on monthly basis and all payments including EMI should be linked to the account. But pay only what you can and separate personal expense from it.

    If he cancel common credit card, who will buy everything needed. So send him a list of what is needed for monthly needs. Don't buy anything by yourself. Buy only in case of emergency or your personal needs

    It is a bad idea to bring his family members or related issues now into this problem. One problem at a time. Be careful with what you say or send. They can use this as evidence and manipulate the whole situation.

    Will your employer give health insurance? In that case you don't need to worry. Or find out monthly health insurance payment for the family now or share your part.

    If he is not willing to discuss or solve this problem amicably, what you can do if you decide to stay. You cannot control him, only you. Do what you can do for your life, save and invest your money, focus on job and kids. Also enjoy your life. Its not a big talk to file tax, you can do it easily. When you have self-doubt, just think this way- What you will do if he file divorce or separate? (based on the title of this post). You have to live well. Right?

    You cannot change his priorities and ask him celebrate when he is not interested. So celebrate your achievements and days the way you want. Do you make him feel special?

    So prove him that you don't need him for your life and you are independent in every aspects. You can convey your thoughts , if he don't agree, then live your life. If you need help , hire maids. Do what you can do with household jobs. But ask for help regarding kids. No harm in asking, but in a proper way ( Can you help me with this...). Have lot of patience and give him time to cool down. Create positive atmosphere in your home.

    Try to avoid conflicts, arguments, fights as much as possible and maintain peace. That's all you can do now. Let him get curious on why you are unaffected by all these and leading life as usual.

    Most important, focus on your job and succeed. That's all you got now to lead an independent life. Take care

    Note : Don't be afraid when he utter divorce. Say this. He has to give 50% (or more) of all marital property , child custody, alimony and child support. He cannot walk away easily. In this process he get punishment too. As he is alcoholic, with good lawyer you can get more custody or full custody with visitations rights to him. But be bold.

    I understand your concern on kids ( in case of joint custody you get 50% of total time) and you want to be with them everyday. That's why most women stay in unhappy marriage. When kids leave them to college, they don't have energy or confidence to leave and stay like this.

    He is trying to threaten you. It is just to control or scare you. If he wants divorce he would have filed it by now. He don't need to your permission to go for contested divorce or separate. If he utter again, tell him to go ahead. Then, you will see how he is going to change his color. He knows well that he will loose his image, money, property, kids and his family.

    You can also consider counselling to vent or consult an attorney etc. to know your rights and laws in your state.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2021
    AmulB and Laks09 like this.
  8. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    415
    Likes Received:
    486
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Don't you see the problem here? He is going nuts. He is looking for reasons to pick on you as you mentioned. And you seem to be making it difficult for yourself. I am myself for vegetarianism but it should not become a source of stress. It should not become a reason for fights. This may make a person go for it just to avoid the situation. I hope things get better for you. May you get more strength and courage to deal with this situation.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2021
  9. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    415
    Likes Received:
    486
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
  10. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    613
    Likes Received:
    791
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Agree and not agree. If OP has a ample proof and documents , she can get the primary like 80%. a lot depends on how op builds the case.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.

Share This Page