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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Worry about what might .. when you get to that point. You should focus on the current drinking problem, be supportive (which is critical) for him to stop drinking.
    (1)Your past and fear of future will not enable you to be a supportive partner.
    (2)Once you resolve this problem, you will have courage and know how to handle the next situation.
    (3) you don't want to delve into what happened ... and what might happen ... It will only widen the distance btw two of you.
    (4)you are on right track; tell him it is important that he does it for his love for his kids.

    AA is your best, better than going to counseling. It is anonymous group of people who talk about themselves. Your DH will get to hear from others. He might be able to relate to them; he may feel that he is not alone. He does not have to talk if he doesn't want to and no one is pointing finger at him.
    It is free.
    In counseling he might try to justify or even blame you.
    (5) If the problem is resolved, he could be a different man. He might listen to you more. He may not say what he says today. He will be a changed man.

    You cannot sit there and speculate.

    You are falling into his trap. Ignore and focus on what needs to be done right now. Forget about everyone for the time being.

    Wish you the very best for the coming year.
    Happy New Year!
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2020
  2. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    @AmulB, please, please do not think that we can't feel your pain. Just to warn you, don't be hopeful about his drinking problem. People do not let go of their bad habits easily and alcohol is one such problem. One of my relatives sold his kidney to feed his alcohol habit, finally he passed away after kidney failure. Nobody is saying that the in-laws problem is not a problem, it is a problem definitely, but not a bigger one when compared to alcoholism. In any case, you have to brace up and strengthen yourself, please talk to your parents or someone you know personally that could give you a more solid support. If not, just push this in-laws thing away from your mind and move on. Worrying will only hurt your well-being. You have to be strong for your sake and your kids.
     
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  3. ImHuman

    ImHuman Bronze IL'ite

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    You said their relatives live in US and are in high positions. Why not take their help to turn them listen to you. Whatever you are explaining here , can you explain with them?
    Giving them account of the situation makes them understand you.. If your husband starts to learn that his actual behaviour is disclosed and how he is putting his wife and marriage into trouble is known to his people.. he may feel little need to correct his behaviour? Making his relatives and friends yours little by little ..?And did you discuss his drinking problem with your in laws and his sister? Do not talk to them like complaining on him.. but making them see what is happening in their sons family and to their grand children?

    I got one quote from a elder I know.. go in his way to get him your way.. like listen to him and make him listen to you...submit to his ego for a while?.

    I am not sure how long the above works.. But you will see a little change at least for sure ..

    And try to make his relatives , friends your friends slowly .. by calling them sometimes .. wishing them happy birth day, marriage day... Etc.. slowly developing bonds...?.

    As others said, I also feel he gets that kick by seeing you suffer by making you feel stressed.., angry.. and as they said try to keep calm and do and do not show him that it effects you. As others always say count your blessings . More than the problems think of blessings you have got and be extremely happy .. celebrate every moment...

    While I am suggesting you this, I have my own problems and above are the things helped me a little..hope these help you too.
     
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  4. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    I am sorry if this reply sounded insensitive. I was trying to emphasize a fact and went overboard.

    If you are worried about your in-laws staying with you, I think you are worrying unduly, because for parents to stay permanently with you guys may be possible if you are in India, which I assume is not your case. Firstly, they can't stay with you guys beyond 6 months if you are on a work visa whatever it may be. They may ask for an extension but that can't be granted indefinitely. I don't think your hubby will want to bring them every 6 months, he doesn't seem that type. Let's assume he is willing to bear the travel expenses, even then, them staying with you will cost him insurance in addition. Even with insurance, he has to pay a lot of money in case he needs to take them to doctors during their stay with you guys. Unless you guys are able to secure citizenship for yourself or your parents, it would be best if they stayed in India. You need not discuss this with him, I am just telling you for your consolation.

    One more thing - alcohol, drugs, smoking, for that matter all indulgences are a coping mechanism to stress. Your DH is stressed about something only he knows best. Your unhappiness will add to his stress. So as far as possible, do not let your worries be apparent to him as they will only add to his stress and he may take to alcohol again. Go for some yoga program whichever you can, if possible, and motivate him to join as well, later. This will at least curb his alcoholism. Right now your in-laws are away from you guys, so why bother about something that may happen in future? Just take these things off your mind and be peaceful for the moment.
     
  5. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi everyone I’m back with an update that I finally am able to find a job n get independent. After going through rough pandemic days with kids staying home, home chores, husband stay at home job, night drinking life. Was getting to my nerves… somehow was able to convince him to put kids in daycare and it wasn’t easy even then. I fractured my leg and was in terrible situation where dh showed more frustration on me but that didn’t stop from packing food for kids or caring for kids and did everything except bathing them. Slowly I got better and was able to take calls and(wasn’t easy than said) it was a dream come true when I landed a job after so many hurdles I faced to get that one break.

    Fast forward — now the situation is that after couple of months of working I realized. Nothing changed, his drinking habits or way of arguments or expectations like maid. Nothing stopped!

    He was actually doing it more to trouble me and says nothing matters to him whether I work or not and accuses of making me loose my job or not let me work .. when in fighting mood he takes off from work and sits next to me not let work, or let attend meetings.
    Inspite of all that we have a common account where he usually puts some money for household. I had given same foe my salary accou t .. there was episode last year he kicked me out middle of night and created a nuisance of not letting me get inside home all night, I had to call cops then he let me in. After that episode I started thinking about my survival, If this happens again where would I go, what will happen to my kids. What if he kicks me an my kids how will I take care of them. Recently also for a small fight regarding feeding kids chicken, I am a veggie and cook veggie and fed kids and finished their meal and yogurt put them to bed, he comes back after drinks an starts to shout at me for not feeding chicken he got from chipotle that he stood in line for 20mins. How on earth would I know if he doesn’t tell me on top of it I never feed them chicken. I said I already fed kids they r sleeping and not to make a big deal. He doesn’t realize it takes more than that 20mins for each meal to be prepared in the kitchen and I stand everyday to fix bf lunch and dinner all fresh foe kids an him. Anyway, that night he went out of line and asked to get out of the house etc saying bad words.

    I just didn’t think.. in anger I packed up few clothes and office laptop left the home and driving to a nearby hotel and just parked and was crying helplessly didn’t know what to do. I then got very mad and said all those bad words he uses on me to his folks through texts. The exact bad words he used on my folks too last year when he kicked me out. I said to his mom every word to word that he used on me n my folks. While she was always encouraging sons bad behavior, in last fight when he was accusing my folks she was just present in video call enjoying the abuse done to my parents and that’s what they do every time. Bad parents!! Now she replies me with a text saying I don’t have respect to elders, I said respect is given to good people and not them. Asked her to feel how it’s like to take such words when ur son doesn’t use on u all but when he abuses us u enjoyed. While one word gets to u, u are preaching. They are all hypocrites.. her daughter shall live like a princess. While sil shouldn’t get to have any life .. they involve in every matters..from providing status to home everything they involved very badly controlling Son not to do this that to me.

    After this incident. I came back home same night after done crying after taking anger on his mom.. I immediately next day went to bank and opened an account for myself and changed my salary acc.

    The moment he saw the salary didn’t deposit in common account he went all abusive shouting yelling warning it’s ended how dare I could change my sal acc and I backstabbed him .. while he was pushing all the amount to his savings accounts which I never had access or could see it was okay. I open an account abs transfer last 2 paychecks became a big crime an became a back stabber


    I realized I need to have money when situation like this happens. What will happen to me and kids with this man. He goes outside the apartments and shouts loudly she’s a backstabber and I’m leaving her. I will divorce her soon

    “I am going to the court - swear to the god I will show what revenge is and I wil

    Hand the papers to you “ — I said you could go file but stop shouting outside. You’re loosing ur own respect by doing so.. his mom also same like him shouts outside.. I just don’t like to put my personal things out to public. Like they’re all his relatives and friends he’s making drama.

    Suggest, what should I do.. I am alone holding the fort.. for kids. How long! Kids r small 3and 4.5 they’re intelligent and healthy kids touch wood.. for a drunk person his parents knew they couldn’t get any other gal. Why not put some good sense in him.. they’re just waiting for us to be divorced.

    He joined AA for name sake but drinking as usual.. wants to show me he’s changing but not really ..


    Is he not a backstabber for not sharing his accounts and expecting my full salary, and keep everything discrete from me. I have no idea about his plans what he does with the money.

    He refused to help my job or chores while I’m busy with chores abs kids.

    What is the solution..
    now he wants me to pay 50% of my sal for household expenses to be with him. I get very less paid compared to him how can I pay 50% I will be left w nothing. And I need to sustain this job.. it’s not easy!
    He cancelled common credit card, asks me to get my own health insurance and file my taxes. But at home everything shoul be done by me, the chores taking care of kids cooking etc. he stopped doing many things for me. Meaning not including me in common things .. as such he never went out of way to do anything for me special.
    I know that I shouldn’t live with him, as he always denies to provide me. And puts his folks priority over us and never cared to celebrate any occasions with me. Neither let’s me have that little freedom of buying things for myself or going out to meet a friend. After marrying him, life has become 24/7 maid services and life less.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2021
  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Finest Post Winner

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    Hello OP,

    You are a very strong and bright woman. I am happy to see that you are working and finding ways to protect yourself. With a partner like this, you really should be ready for anything.

    I haven’t really gone through the old posts, but first thing is, try marriage counseling. If he isn’t really ready to make that work- try to have a conversation about what he wants in his life. Maybe understanding why he is so fully of negativity against you, can help you solve what is happening. If he is unable to figure out what he wants, I think it’s better to focus on what you want. What do you need to have a happy peaceful life? Nothing but yourself can keep you from achieving happiness, so figure out what you would like, and what you have to do to get there.

    It looks like you live in North California, which I assume makes living apart very difficult. If you can, I advise you to try to do that. When you are out of the negative environment, you can make better decisions. If you are thinking to divorce, even that is alright. The money that your husband is keeping, cannot be kept away from you - he is just playing with your head to make you beg to stay with him, despite not taking any effort work on himself and managing his stress.

    I wish you good luck!
     
  7. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    Is it possible for you to call your parents to stay with you and help with kids, housework for few months? Or can u go India with kids, stay with parents and work from there? That may help for some time to you to focus on your new job? Trust me kids grow fast and you will be able to handle kids job alone without any help. Don’t worry about money so much, when kids start public school day care expenses will be less. Then you can survive on your own salary and child support, alimony. Be strong and confident. Try not to argue with him or expect from him and see if that helps. Take care.
     
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  8. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    How dependent are you on him? Is he non veg by choice or by tradition? Are you two from different communities? Then it's even more difficult. Do not involve in-laws, do not abuse, especially in writing. They will make use of it. He is acting like an as*h***. Don't expect his help in anything. Him not letting you take on meetings is going to affect your job. You can't afford that in such a situation. Try as much to do it yourself. F the insurance, is he paying for the kids or you are expected to pay for that as well? While insurance is important for everyone, it is more important for the kids. Get him to cover that, he is not doing a favor on you and the kids, it is his damn job. If you cannot reason with him, reduce his involvement and try to do chores yourself. Too bad this kind of selfish and opportunistic thinking is becoming common and gaining support among men. At this point of time, you can only adjust and persevere, than fight OP. Concentrate on your job. Try not to get into fights with him as much as you can. At least avoid them.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    question for you, why do you want to be in this marriage.
     
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  10. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your suggestion. Yes he did mention about marriage counseling but never initiates. i just couldn’t figure out a reason for his behavior, earlier I used to think it’s alcohol. But alcohol or no alcohol he is always super nice ro his folks, talking respectful and giggling - could be acting infront of me. Not really sure.. life has been super busy.. as soon as married I conceived and didn’t had much time to know each other. Before marriage he was very respectful and behaved very loving and caring, it still surprises me where is all that gone. But kid after kid now they’re toddlers. It’s always one or the other thing fights regarding kids, earlier his complaint was I wasn’t teaching kids not making them bright etc how much in a day I could do cook clean wash bath kids feed them. Now after a year full of pandemic days with toddlers being home and full time home chores used to make me frustrated. Now I have a job to divert my mind and im happy that way and kids going to home day care wheee she teaches kids .. to read write and do math .. so kids r in track. Expect situation at home with dh.
     

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