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husband doesn't talk with me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gankita, Sep 14, 2015.

  1. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    @gankita


    I feel as if you are describing my situation. Me and my DH are at different locations since marriage (arranged). We have not had private time with each other. We are working in different fields and there is nothing much to talk in calls. I usually call him. If I dont call a day or so he does not call me. We go on without talking until one of these things happen: 1. I call him. 2. MIL asks him If we had talked. (Psst: If she asks me I complain to her saying your son has not called me otherwise she starts eating my brain asking why you have not called.)


    Now when we stay together with inlaws he mostly teases about my weight (which makes me wish he would shut up) or asks me to help his mother. We have never stayed together for more than 5 days and when we are together with in laws his parents treat him like child. He sometimes speaks in childish tone when we stay with in laws. He spends his time studying or watching movies (sometimes 3 or 4 in a single day) or playing games in mobile or computer. He is more interested in higher studies than working.


    What I have observed so far is - He is still in bachelor mode and is not willing to come to householder stage.


    This what I am trying to do improve my situation.


    1. Staying together – I am trying to find a job at his location and he is trying to find a job at my location. Whichever works out first.


    2. Involve or Insert yourself in his activities – When we are together I join him to watch movies when I can and I join/watch when he plays games. There is an improvement in our relationship during these periods.


    3. Make him talk – My DH is extremely vague. If I ask him how was his day his reply would be – “Ya it was good. I did some work in office and i am watching tv now”. I would prod him and ask what is he watching? Who is the hero/heroine and so on...If he is watching sports I just keep call short. I don't know much about sports and he too wont be paying attention to our call. You could ask your H what he surfs in net that might give you an idea of his interests.



    Once the point 1 is accomplished and points 2, 3 are done for sufficient time, start involving him in things which you like and start sharing responsibilities.


    I will let you know if there is any major breakthrough.
     
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  2. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    Yes cute cancer, my dh is also very vague.
    He too finished his studies, thats the reason he doesn't talk much.
    Even if he talks, he doesn't know how to get into good discussion.
    he will easily get into arguement.

    We also spend very less time together.
    how long have you been married?
     
  3. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Please don't listen to relatives...it's your life and you have to decide what you want from your life.....don't go by relatives words, are they going to support you incase you separate from your husband? More over they may start criticizing you once you get separated.....

    May be your husband is an introvert and prefers to talk less....is he like this with everyone or only with you? Taking a decision of separation or divorce is going to be drastic one if you don't have any other problems with him other than he speaks less....
     
  4. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    married for 3+ years
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Ankitha - I read your other thread too. You do need more help than the forums. I hope you talk to someone qualified for this. You are making a lot of excuses for your dh. Love is not in his genes, so he doesn't show it. He is too busy and hence he is insensitive. He is introvert and hence not talking. Your parents, brother, all others around you, they all cannot be all wrong. What someone with any kind of anxiety issues need is a very supportive spouse. Do you have that? How is he supporting you? By picking on you, staying aloof, not being emotionally available and there is an excuse for every situation. Ankita - You cannot make excuses and keep looking for excuses for your husband. Even if his dad isn't treating his mom right, that's not an excuse for him to do the same. When a spouse is in the hospital, he complains about not being able to
    sleep? And you make an excuse for him? Being an introvert and being emotionally unavailable are completely different things. You are trying so hard for him
    to notice you. Why? Girl, you are professionally qualified. You didn't get here without what it takes. You used to have some confidence. Why are you looking for his approval? He is in the U.S. and you are in India. Focus on yourself. Take baby steps. Forget about him not talking, being insensitive(there is no such thing as little insensitive so it's ok), etc. You first work on getting yourself to where you were before he happened in your life. Get counselling. It isn't a bad thing, it helps a lot. Get treatment for anxiety, don't delay seeing a good doc. Go for some yoga classes, learn a foreign language, just ignore the kit pit at home about you not being settled. Hire a maid to watch your son while you get out of the house. I'm sure other than studying and working you have other interests, pursue that. Once you are that old self again, re assess your situation. Decide what you want out of life. Learn to say no and be firm. Don't let husband, parents, brother, relatives influence you so much. Just keep ignoring, they will get the message. Once you are strong and self confident then maybe think of some marital counselling to make your dh see sense. It's ok to be an introvert, not ok to withold emotionally. Ok to be tired, not
    ok to be insensitive. Ok to be observant, not ok to be constantly critical. You tell yourself first how you should be treated and others will follow. Please stop making excuses for other adults in your life. Concentrate on yourself because your kid needs a confident, self assured mother.
     
  6. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Lavanya for replying.
    I am not making excuses, just trying to explain many things that are hard to understand for others.
    just having many issues to handle.

    no doubt i have lost my confidence. I am working on myself too.
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Ma, it all depends on what you feel. Don't look at over explaining or over simplifying things for others.
    Maybe take things one at a time. For now, you be your number one priority. Don't worry about others except for your little one. Once you are where you want to be then tackle the dh stuff. If you keep worrying about all the different things that you have absolutely no control over, won't it make your situation worse. Work on what you have control over. Your sensitivity and you anxiety. Rest you can look at later.
     
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  8. sing

    sing Silver IL'ite

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    You fell down, injured your leg, will you cut it off?

    Relationships are also the same, you have to make the other person understand. Be explicit in what you are expecting from him. Drag him, you can't be sweet all the time, or sulking behind that he's not doing something for you.

    It is left to you and your creative side to come up with ideas to spice up your relationship and make him involve into something with you.

    For your case, he is an introvert. Convey to him that you have a need to talk, communicate.

    I have always been upfront but extremely introvertish in my life. This complaint of not talking, not walking, not barking etc, I can't accept. Push yourself into life. If you are looking for a shortcut to your requirement you'll be happy again "for a while", then you'll run into "new missing thing". Will you go for another guy then ?

    Did you try pulling him out?
    Generally, introverts do socialize but if there is an external influence. If you have tried and then failed or perhaps he's acting up, then I will think about ending a relationship. Not based on what you said.

     
  9. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    Again with heavy heart, couldn't think of venting out anywhr other than here:(

    It has been a month, his talks are - so is all fine?
    is ds fine? ok bye

    on his holidays- i will be at home today watching tv. if u want, u can talk.

    yesterday, after so much pain i messaged him- our talks are very formal these days.
    today he replies- I FEEL THE SAME WAY, TC

    i called. he slept / or pretend to 10 min after messaging.

    i am tired of this relation.
    is this what he shd reply. i just wanted to convey my feelings that its hurting me.

    i was thinking of gng back but the way he ignores me stops me from doing so.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...what is your response to his questions.
    Sometimes people do not gel as far as chit chat s concerned.
    If he is not talking....infact,by asking these questions ,he may be opening the window for you to do the talking.

    When a parson asks ...so...what's up?...the other person can go on and on for ages in response.
    It looks like he is not the only one who has nothing to talk. Even you do not seem to have much to say.
    You are living with your child...you can go on and on about what you both did ,what you plan to do,how you both wish he was there with you. There is so much to talk .Why are you not doing the talking? Let him listen...that it self will make him closer to you both.

    Skype with him...tell your child to show him his scribblings .You both talk to him.

    If you find it difficult to talk spontaneously .....then write down points.
    Talk to him about the visit to the market,doctor,play school...whatever. This is what couples talk about most of the time.It is important for not just you both ,but also your baby to interact with him...to keep the bonds .


    When my little one was born...my husband used to stay away for months.We would only communicate by letters as we did not have a land line or mobile.
    I had so much to write because I had his baby with me.I would write 5-6 page letters ....and then I would let my baby scribble a bit on those pages.That was a letter from both of us.

    In return he would send a one page letter and that was fine...because he was alone and most of what was happening in his life was not of my interest...while what was happening in our life was of interest to him .

    Ankita...if he is an introvert,then you have to do most of the interaction ,along with your baby. Don't worry about his reactions or his share in the talk.He doesn't have much of interest going in his life. You have his child growing with you.He is missing out on so much.

    Bombard him with pictures of you and your baby ....send him scribblings of the baby.Get your baby to say sweet messages to papa and send him.Try it .
     
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