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Husband Doesnt Spend Money On My Needs

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by poi098, Jun 9, 2017.

  1. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

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    Have been married for a few months now. My husband has not given me a single gift right from our engagement days till now. During this period , New year, Valentines day, my birthday has come and gone. But he didnt gift me on any of these occasions. He doesnt buy anything for me. Once we had gone shopping (few days after my birthday), i wanted to buy a top, i said - you buy this top for me, i will consider it my birthday gift. he clearly said - you are earning, u buy it yourself i will not buy. Whats this logic?? He earns more than double me, but still doesnt spend on me. Even for basic shopping things like medical or anything, if I want to buy something, i pay for it myself. Some times i feel he is a miser but then he brough 2 gifts for my brothers birthday. But when it comes to spending on me (even basic things) , he gets annoyed.
    He is too money minded i feel. thinks only about how much he can save. But we are newly married, shouldnt he be spending on me and giving me gifts. What should i do? How should i deal with this ?
     
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  2. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you given any gifts to your DH? Apart from gifts, generally how is your relationship with your DH?

    If you start giving gifts to him, then may be he will realize & start gifting you in return. If he is miser, then why he bought gifts for your brother?

    Care & expressing affection should be from both sides in a relationship...
     
  3. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op,
    Since you are earning, do you contribute to household expenses?? Not just spending for house,but show them that you are doing it. Even though i earn less than my H i contribute equal amt towards emi, chits, utilities,etc and more than him for household groceries. This creates a feeling in them that you are meaningfully spending salary. H will b having other unforseen or large expenses often like new appliances, repairworks, medical expenses,etc. Rest of my salary after all these expenses is purely for me, no questions asked. My H probably gave me 2 or 3 gifts in 8 yrs of marriage, but he never backed off for other expenses. I am proud to have taken care of my needs like jewellery. He would have bragged if even he got a small gold ring. But, i on the other hand purchased lots of necklaces with my money.

    The trick with money part is, you need to show off that you are spending for house. For ex: for getting milk everyday sometimes i used to get, sometimes mil(with my money), but my H thought that mil was using her money. From then on, i started getting monthly card and my H felt the difference.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree with the person above, gifting mindset need not run in all families, runs in mine but not the hubby's. I was upset too initially but over the years I realize these are not important. Supporting each other in good and bad times is, so as far as your hubby demsonstrates his love and care in other ways it's fine .
     
    sindmani likes this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I would first suggest you to tell him that it's not about you buying for your own needs but that the idea of gifting is special n romantic for you. And that he is the most special person for you, and him gifting you even a hand written poem will make your day even more special. You too buy / make gifts for him.

    Apart from that, It's abnormal that he doesn't spend for your basic needs like medical. Ask him where does this ideology comes from. Because traditionally the man does take care of his wife. How does the finances work in his household? Does he want you to share the domestic expenses?

    Since you are recently married, it's good to say, ask and clarify these things loud n clear and convey your exact expectations and understand his. This avoids a lot of misunderstandings.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, right now you need to focus on building on your relationships than anything else. Many men are not used to the idea of gifts/ days. My dh dont believe in it.
    Now be yourself, observe and learn from others,communicate well, try to understand the love language of your dh/vice versa. Build a strong bond.
    Each and everyone is different. If you like gifting do it . But we cannot ask others to give gift from them . It should come from their mind. If you want to buy something for you, buy it dont ask his permission for it.
    Dont worry much on it if he is very caring and loving. What is the use of gifts if husband wont love you. Some time gifts are superficial. Think about how you can create a strong place in his heart,and make sure that he loves you well. Develop a mind body soul relationship with dh-a strong foundation for your life
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Everything you say, resonates with me, because my husband doesn't like spending on me either and it bothers me. It was worse when I was a SAHM, but now that I'm working, I try not to be offended. I know that some people have been saying that as long as your husband is affectionate otherwise, there's not a problem and to not worry about it, but I disagree. I read a thing about the 5 different Love Languages, and how each person feels and shows love in a different way.

    There are 5 different LOVE languages:
    1. Words of Affirmation - emotional support
    2. Acts of Service - doing work around the house
    3. Receiving Gifts - sentimental objects like flowers, jewelry, etc.
    4. Quality Time - spending time together
    5. Physical Touch - (obviously)

    There is NOTHING wrong with any of these ways - even the gifts one. And as you get older, these change a little bit. Since you are still in the early phase of your marriage. You can try bring this up, as a way to get to understand your husband. And in turn, for him to understand you.
     
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  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    You may be right. But OP stays in joint family and thats when dynamics change. Her H may feel that his mom might not like him being close with the new DIL. Or that he might feel she is lazy and hence not getting interest in taking care of her. I am not saying OP has these traits, but in joint families men behave in a diff way. Her other threads in Relationship with Inlaws talks her joint family dynamics. My H behaved differently when we were nuclear family and opposite when we stayed in joint family. I got soo confused seeing this change in him and mine is love marriage. Soo many angles get added and wife and H take really long time in such joint families. By the time their turn comes to enjoy, they are already distanced or bogged down by other responsibilities.
     
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  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Teach him. Show him how its done. Celebrate his birthday/ ur anniv /anything the way u think it should be done. Gifts are best enjoyed when they are given voluntarily.
     
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  10. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    It is time for a reality check dear. I can understand what is bothering you. Try to understand a few things - these are days of equality, no longer is there a man/woman difference. We women want love, affection to be shown, we like being pampered, men on the other hand - everything comes to them by default, we cook for them, clean for them, change our identity, tastes everything for them. Nobody can understand except the woman herself. Stop expecting from him. Most important, don't show the disappointment to him - that will make it worse. Just be yourself, think that you have come to work and keep working on yourself and try to find happiness in something else. Don't bother yourself about why he is not showing any attention, because love has to be earned, you don't get it just because you entered a relationship and that is the truth.
     
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