Husband doesnt feel i get hurt too..

nehatalkies · Mar 26, 2010

Hi All,
I have explained much of my situation in other posts on IL. Recently, i canceled my trip to India due to visa issues and DH went alone.
I had collected few gifts for my parents and brother and i desperately wanted him to visit them once(he's not met him after my marriage in these 3.5 yrs , nor was i allowed to meet). I had told him before he left that "plz sort all issues out and lets plan for baby once you return so i am at peace and can plan)
The first 2 days after he reached delhi went fine and he had promised me and my parents that he would visit them and sort everything out.
But then one of our common friends visits him and tells him some bull**** stories about my parents and strangely he believes him.. I know this friend- he's a big liar and can go to extent of swearing by his family members and still lie.. my DH believed him and fought with me and spoke bad about my parents on phone to me. yesterday he said to me on ph- i'll call ur parents and ask them who the hell are they to talk like this.. I told him- tis friend is a big liar, he had recently liar to us and we had caught him and still you r believing him..
Now he's totally against my parents and wants to shout at them..
My parents and I have already listened too much from DH and his family . I told him today that - i am not at all normal and dont know how i will be able to get normal to think about future with what he is saying n doing .. to which he replied- u r saying "i am not normal" but i get abnormal then u'll bear things..
i told him then and there - "dont threaten me.. main dabne wali nahin.. bahut daba liya mujhe sabne" . parents se nahin milna, jhooth bolna ke my parents abused his parents, MIl ka rona dhona etc too much for me..

I dont know what to do.. I know my DH , he will do anything to woe his mom- even if that means breaking my heart and hurting me all time. Even after knowing that they are wrong, he'll never ever has stood for the RIGHT and i feel he will never.. I feel he has not guts to go against his mom..
What should i do.. My only hope was that- if he'll go once to my parents(they are waiting for him once ever after repeated blaims taht they abusedmy in-laws.. they never did..) , i will be allowed to go home and meet my parents... He shattered my believe(little bit that i had on him).. I am totally broken...
Dont know what i should do.. How should i make him realize that he's hurting me and this is affecting very badly our relation..

Foundlove · Mar 26, 2010

First of all married life is between 2 adults why anyone brings parents in it ..I don't know.I understand that in arranged marriages this happens.

Neha, you need to stand up for yourself.First resolve issue between Dh and you and then think about mending parents issues.If you both are in good terms no one can do anything.

Call DH and parents and conference them.Tell him you are ok if he talks to them but you will be on that call.If he is disrespectful to them cut him off right away and say that discuss properly.If I have issues with your parents you expect me to be respectful at least.

Stand up for your parents and don't take this crap anymore.

Good Luck girl...
FL.

sita2223 · Mar 27, 2010

Like Foundlove said, if you and your DH have mutual understanding, no one can cause problems in your relationship. So please work on your relationship with your DH first. After that you can worry about ILs and parents and their relationship with you and your DH.

Will it be so horrible if your DH is not in talking terms with your parents?? The reason I am asking is... its better to not talk rather than hurting your parents... isnt it??

Looks like your ILs/DH have this ego that they are the 'boys side' of the marriage, so they are superior and you/your parents being the 'girls side' should bow to them. Maybe it would be better if your ILs/DH and your parents don't talk to each other, as long as you are allowed to continue talking and visiting your parents.

SriVidya75 · Mar 27, 2010

3 and half years of marriage and you want to plan kids with a husband who listens to words of some of his friends (who is an outsider) and blames you and your parents (who are supposed to be his family and extended family)

So what happiness you and your future kids would have in this home where you are being treated like crap? so is this baby making to ensure he wont divorce you??? or the hope that kids would make everything better? or that he would calm down after you are pregnant? did you ever think about what if his parents come for your delivery and make your life hell and he fighting with you more as his parents would be around...and you going through a big time depression epsidoe and not able to recover from it??? did you ever think about it???/

Coming to your marriage...Are you working? are you educated enough? you cancelled your trip, but he still went ahead ( and you expect him to visit your parents house...does this sound acheivable at all????) because if he was such a empathetic husband, first of all he would have never let you cancel the trip or fight with his inlaws to an extent where he never visited them...cant we see the attitude of your husband here itself ...So SET your EXPECTATIONS RIGHT!!!

He heard some crap from his friend (by the way who is this friend who knows somuch about your parents and can fill your husbands' ears to an extent that your husband goes all crazy over his words???) and fights over phone with you?

What happened to you both are you guys in your teens? if you are like this how can you even raise a kid? the kid would grow up to be another bully or a person who has low self esteem. pls do a favour on future generation and stop baby planning till you both figure out whats important in your marriage.

So apart from these parent issues, how is your husband other wise..(sorry didnt go through your past threads...but explain briefly how is he over all...)

So what is your plan if he doesnt visit your parents after all this and follows his moms words and comes back to US.what would you do???

Neha

Point here is about how is the relationship b/w you both...if you both dont gel well, dont expect each of you to gel well with each others parents. but if you both gel well and only parents issue is the trouble..then keep parents aside and handle respective parents and be happy rather than pushing our spouses to do something that they dont like i.e gel with parents.

If you both dont gel well, time for you to understand what is the problem here. its been 3 and half years...pretty long time...and still issues are not figured out...what is your take on this? why no resolution yet? what are his expectations? respecting his parents saying yes mummyji all the time to his mom and his mom keeps bossing around you sitting in India??? and he wants you take that from here???

So wait n watch...see what he does this time...when he is back, pls do change your behaviour depending on what was the final outcome of his Indias trip (i.e whether he visits your parents or not..) if he doesnt visit and sticks to his friends crap and fights about your parents with you....then keep calm, dont answer or argue right away over phone just listen and hang up...but when he is back, ensure you stop cooking/doing chores for him, pick up a job, be independant, maintain your finance/accounts and tell him time to talk and change things around...if he thinks he wont listen to you, ask him if he wants to hear it from a third party who will tell him what a bully and bossy guy he is...and take him to marital counselling.

flowerlady · Mar 27, 2010

Hi Neha,
I can empathise with your situation ,but no babies please unless all issues are resolved . Why do you want to make life more uncomfortable for yourself ? You know that your DH is kaan ka kaacha ,ready to believe outsiders and fight with his wife !

Sometimes people say that everything will be fine after a baby , but if it gets worse then ? You will be left holding the baby and trying to make a life for yourself. This is the worst case scenario.
Please keep all parents, relatives and friends ,yours and his , away from your marriage. The two of you have to spend your life together , make a family , the others will sooner or later become busy in their own life and move on. Sometime jealous and interfering relatives and friends enjoy creating trouble .
If you are so keen to send gifts to your family, courier them. If DH doesnt want to visit them , let it be. No point in fighting others battles. For you your parents will always be nice and wonderful, DH feel the same for his parents too. So this blame game is a futile excercise.

nehatalkies · Mar 28, 2010

@foundlove- he's just not listening, he says- i'll will talk to them you stay out of it. when i asked- why should i stay out of it, i got the answer that-i am not scared of you or ur parents and no fear can influence my behaviour. i told him- i am not asking you "not to spaek to them" but that i want you to speak to them infront of me and be sure, next time i am not hearing a third party coming in between and adding something more. but he's just not listening

@sita2223- i understand what u r tryin to tell me and this is y i have waited all these 3 years for things to cool down and they appeared too but once he reached delhi, things started happening again so i cant trust him at all..

@SriVidya- this friend "was" our common freind from bca so he went to my home after hsi engagement and talked rubbish about us like- neha's was love marriage so u didnt give anything n all that", my parents only justified that u r no-one to speak about it and its already 3.5 yrs and that whoever saw the marraige knows what we did n what we didnt. i think he got hurt that he's being kept away from his dear friends relation(my Dh) and then he told some 50 things to my DH instead of what were really 5.
I am a working women and his freinds call it my ego if i do deny something. they tell me to be submissive types who should do what my in-laws tell me and i am really not a doormat.. I cant be submissive types really.. I speak for girls where ppl say that girls cant do x-y-z.. they can..
and thats what is problem to my in-laws.. they told my parents once- neha should do as we say- if we tell her to move, then move else not.. to which my parents objected saying- u cant expect that from a child and sh'e is a big girl. i have a sil and they cant expect her to be a doll so y me..

@flowerlady- i know we get biased for our parents but i do tell my parents if they r not right and i think its not wrong to tell them so.. everyones thinking cant be same..my DH cant even tell his parents even if deep down he knows they arent at all right.. so they never stop..

But yes, i understand from all of ur views that its not right time for a baby, like i was thinking that ts already 3 years so.....i have aksed him a lot of times that we see a counselor buit he doesnt agree saying we have parents to speak to.. i have even told him that parents will be biased but he still doesnt agree.. he would observe other couples here but not take good points from them (like respecting wife, giving me reasons to trust him- always breaks his promise, not think about the realtionship ad try to mend it..)but he can easily take bad points from his friends..
anyways will keep my coool.. thanks a lot for all ur support

SriVidya75 · Mar 28, 2010

Neha

One good thing is you are working. so do you manage your finances or is it a joint setup?

Next thing if that friend is a common friend of both of yours, why dont you pick up that phone, call that friend and tell him to stay out of your marriage or that the repercussions will be very bad. Tell him that incase if anything happens to your marriage all teh blame is going to be on him and he has to stop this nonsense. Tell him you would have to speak to his parents and wife about this nasty behaviour (would he be interested about some friend talking to his parents and wife...give him back what he is giving you!!!!) threaten him with that and see how it goes.

Also as I said earlier, dont drop the ball right away...wait till your husband returns back from India, see what was the end result or his behaviour. If he visits your parents and creates no more fights...mellow down and say thanks to him and be a bit more considerate towards him.

But if he had not visited your parents and all he has is fights over phone calls, then just pick the call, ignore and wait for him to come back. After he is back, tell him that you see this marraige is all about parents and parents fights...that too if you say yours is love marriage...in what way parents would be on same page?? these days arranged marriages only have so many issues where parents wont be on same page (remember in arranged marriage parents are the first ones who meet up and do the talking first!!!) so can this be expected. Ask him does he love and does he want to live iwth you? or all he bothers is about parents? does he want to have a family, kids and settlement in life? if YES then he has to stop fighting about parents, if not things wont be better moving forward....and he wants things to be better he has to talk to someone other than both side parents / with you...some third party on what are his worries and complaints. so that it would help you in understanding his points and fix anything that you both can work on!

nehatalkies · Apr 1, 2010

Hi All,
I know i have been bugging you all with my story all time. Here's new development in my marriage..
I had sent some gifts for my parents side - basically some cosmetics of 5-6$ each and some lipsticks , a bluetooth for my brother and a very casual watch for 50$ for my dad..
my DH had also bought a watch for his father (he picked a sober silver strap watch saying my dad doesnt like gold strap..and i had taken strap in golden but the price was same for both)and he bought costly stuff like dvd players, radio clocks, cameras etc , wii game, hot massage chair fetc or his side. Also when i was buying cosmetics i had asked my DH if i should buy etc for his side, he denied.. but i still took 4 etc sets for his side thinking they are not that costly but a good gift item for any lady/girl....
My bro went to give him stuff that my mom bought for me in delhi and to take stuff i sent for them.
when he came back home and i asked him how he liked the bluetooth n watch , got to know that the watch was not the one i chose for my father but the one my DH chose for his.. there was no bluetooth and cosmetics makeup kits n lipsticks were just 1 or 2 instead of the 4 each sets i had picked..
i asked my DH about this so at first he said- itna hi tha.. when i insisted that i have all written here what for where then he said- aate hi bed pe suitcase gir gaya n all got mixed up..
i said-he should have caLLED ME N ASKED ME,,the way he said wahan jada dene ki zaroorat nahin to i understood the intentions...

he's returning on this sat night frokm india to usa n he still thinks that i should have respect for him and should welcome him here with a bang,..he's expecting me to be all smiling n throwing a party when he returns..
he broke my trust on him.....

well i told him my employer was going to delhi last friday so if he wanted some more gifts he should have told my employer had even asked me - if there's stuff i want to send, he would take it as he was going almost empty..........but i told him that my DH has left last weekend only and so all stuff gone with my DH...
now am hardly expecting the stuff my mom gave to him to come in totality......
i dont know.. i have no words for him at all..

he's hurting me all time n still expecting that i should be normal with him when he comes..

plz suggest what should i do.. he's breaking my trust at every step.. i have tried to talk to him numerous times about my feelings.. he's a total mommas boy and my MIL is a big big drama queen-- actualy emotional blackmail is her trick-- main mar jaongi, u married neha to kill me, tu meri jaan lena chahta hai, paal pos kar itna bada kiya aur ab ye...i hve heard her say all this just to ensure he does as she says..

is tehre anyway to show him his mothers true picture??
really need ur help to handle and save my marriage..

SriVidya75 · Apr 1, 2010

Neha

Its not only annoying but nasty n cheap too when grownup adults i.e your husband act like this that too over couple of dollars or gifts.

I would suggest just keep calm dont even raise the topic or show that you were really upset.

Meanwhile if your employer or any friend is going to India, buy those gifts which you wanted to, and send the gifts through them and ask them to give it to your parents or post them.

If your husband picks the topic of these gifts and starts lecturing tell him that you dont like to drag the problem or issues, rather you are interested in finding the solution. Now that you know he doesnt like to pass on teh gifts you gave for your parents, you would find another medium to send those gifts.also that our parents wont be rich over the gifts we send to them and they wont even mind if we dont send gifts, but its just way of showing our affection and whenever they see those items, they remember us and thats the reason for sending these simple gifts. Also say that you are glad your FIL liked the watch you picked up rather than his own sons' selection

Do not argue or rake up the point of gifts with him if he doesnt initiate the conversation over gifts...because he still would be having all those brain washed feelings after India visit. So keep calm and deal with it step by step.

Foundlove · Apr 1, 2010

OK I am posting here one last time.Neha, it seems you keep on asking the same questions to hear different answers then what you originally got.

Go to Srividya's post again.You need to stand up and take control of your life.
Your DH and MIL seem like typical bad people.They are doing what all bad PILS and DH do. So your situation is not unique.Its a very common problem.

You talk to any close friends you have.If you have any single friends who are willing to share accomodations then pack your bag and leave.Stay away from that guy and discuss all issues.

If he is willing to change come back or else stay away.Do this early in your life so you don't have to suffer.

IF YOU CHOOSE OTHERWISE then don't complain.

Sorry if I sound harsh.

good Luck
FL