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Husband Does Not Want Sex

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by anayasree, Aug 1, 2023.

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  1. Jan 3, 2024 #11
    DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Your concern is quite normal. Looks like there are some hidden things . He is definitly interested in it as evident from strip club visits, not a good habbit, what next?. For a normal healthy male, its a physical need. He is either doing it himself ( p**addction? )or releasing it in some other way or have some health issue? If so, why is he hiding it.
    Have a talk with him. Ask what you should do? Is there anything that drive him from you. Ask him how to improve the situation or what you should do to help it. Dont go for blame game, but talk as if you are trying for a solution and you are very much interested in it, missing it and bothering you a lot. Find ways to dedicate atleast a date night or similar to spend time with you. Ask him if he cant, will he agree if you to visit similar clubs( if he think its ok) or seek excitement somewhere else ? ( not asking you to do it, just explaining your case).
    I feel communication is the key here. Ask him to spend atleast a few hours with you per week, work is not an excuse all the time. There can be a strong reason why he dont want it - any pain or discomfort or ED or fear of giving you pain due to your previous condition or his own fears...?. Create an atmosphere where he can share it with you. Only he can tell. You really need to explore whats going on.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2024
    DDream, Jan 3, 2024
    DDream, Jan 3, 2024
    #11
  2. Jan 4, 2024 #12
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That explains his lack of interest. It doesn't address the future of sex or intimacy in your marriage. It seems like you are expected to be satisfied (pun intended) with that explanation.

    Your feeling disturbed is completely understandable. Being busy, pushing oneself to excel at work, want to earn more money and "lost interest in sex" doesn't go along with visiting a strip club. Even if he went along because friends were going it shows he has time to spare and has some level of interest.
    First thing - stop doubting your feelings and intuition in this matter. Don't spend your mental time and energy on wondering if you are wrong in what you are feeling. Whenever you catch yourself having a mind conversation with yourself where you are in doubt, label that as 'needless doubting' and move on from that thought.

    Should you share with him about the strip club visit? Normally, I would say a calm discussion, handling it like a "us" issue instead of a I/you problem, will help to figure out things. In this case, I feel that if you bring up the topic, you will receive an acceptable explanation. The discussion will however not address the overall issue and what to do about it going forward.

    At this point, IMO, you have to first think what you want, what is nice to have, and what is must have. Write down a few thoughts that come to mind. Then, talk with a professional like a coach or therapist to further clarify your thoughts. After that, you and your husband should both talk with a professional. This step will need some tactful handling. Extremely tactful approach. You have to present it as "We have different levels of drive, what are some ways to deal with this variance?"

    The reason I am suggesting talking with a therapist is that otherwise the discussions between you and your husband will just take so much effort to initiate and conduct but will have no tangible results for you. OTOH, if you are fine with his explanation for the strip club visit, and are fine with what he can offer in terms of sex and intimacy, then, that is OK. Keep up the open communication and don't hesitate to talk these difficult topics. Appreciate him for being candid.
     
    Rihana, Jan 4, 2024
    Rihana, Jan 4, 2024
    #12
    anayasree likes this.
  3. Jan 5, 2024 #13
    anayasree

    anayasree Silver IL'ite

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    We go out on date nights frequently and it always ends up in him satisfying me. But he does not want it. Also I have visited similar clubs with my friends and he has never had a pbm with it. So asking him this qn is not going to help.

    I dont believe he watches much **** either. May be a little and he accepted he does it himself some times.

    Thank you, I agree with your point. I need to find a good time to talk to him about going to a therapist. Just me telling him these things always ends up with him telling me he just lost interest like how I did before (that was a couple of years after my kid was born).

    I didnt ask him for an explanation because I expect him to say something like "His friends wanted to go and he did not want to be a spoilsport". This happend in a boys trip to Vegas and I cant argue with that explanation.

    Some times I start thinking as long as he satisfies me why should I unneccasarily create an issue. I keep going back and forth between these 2 thoughts. May be even if he does not wanna go to a therapist, just going by myself will help me in having a clear mind.
     
    anayasree, Jan 5, 2024
    anayasree, Jan 5, 2024
    #13
  4. Mar 6, 2024 #14
    steve

    steve Platinum IL'ite

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    A different tack on this. He seems to be a nice guy wanting to take care of you. Going to a strip club occasionally is not a red flag and he mentioned it to you casually (wonder why?...we need to think about it). Since he mentioned it voluntarily, its reasonable to assume that it's 'news' which implies that it's not habitual.

    Some thoughts:

    * boring bedroom - learn to spice things up.. this needs nurturing for all couples
    * not enough relaxation and he treats this as a chore and wants to get done and catch some sleep
    * penetrative is not pleasurable --- some dryness may be?
    * change the setting. do a few things differently and then arrive at ascertaining if this is indeed a real issue.

    From my point of view, he cares about you enough to make you satisfied and not share his real issue with you. Just be patient and jointly solve the problem.

    All the best!
     
    steve, Mar 6, 2024
    steve, Mar 6, 2024
    #14
  5. Mar 11, 2024 #15
    CUTECINDY

    CUTECINDY Senior IL'ite

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    trust me dear .. dirty talk and dirty chat helps a lot .. men like it a lot .. a lot .. and daily ask him to keep one hr w for both of u . no pressure n no expectation .
     
    CUTECINDY, Mar 11, 2024
    CUTECINDY, Mar 11, 2024
    #15
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