Husband does not share his stress/problems and it eventually blows up!

NYgirl83 · Jun 12, 2012

Hello everyone,

This is my very first posting. I have never been on a website like this.

My husband and I get along very well when it's just the two of us. However, my biggest complaint is that he doesn't share what stresses him out. Recently he had an argument with his parents, I was not there and have no idea what 'comments' were made or who said what. My husband would not tell me a single detail of the argument! Generally, the argument was not about me but this puts me in a VERY awkward situation with my in laws because I don't know if they've said anything about me, complained about me, or are upset with me. My husband will say it has nothing to do with me but I say it does because I live in his house. It is my house too and these things affect me, but he doesn't understand. I know he is always more than 50% at fault during arguments because when he gets mad he will say anything just to hurt a person, even his own parents. He will twist things, take them out of context and will bring up very old events and rehash them.

I know my in laws think he is like this because of me. I try to explain to them that he doesn't even talk to me about anything and I am clueless as to what even goes on in our home. My husband will always run to his sister instead of coming to me. Which causes even more problems because then they team up against his parents. His parents are normally very nice to me, but in such situations they take their anger for their children out on me.

My question to you all is how do I get my husband to share his problems with me before he blows up and says stupid things to everyone.

Another very bad habit that is part of the problem - he is always glued to his cell phone. He is always 'checked out' mentally. He cannot be away from his phone for a day. He needs to constantly check his emails, the news, facebook, and he is always speaking to his sister. She doesn't work so she has time to talk and the more they talk the more problems are caused. He doesn't share any of these conversations with me and deletes his text messages and call logs. I wish I could grab his phone sometimes and just throw it out the window!

I dont know who he is trying to protect or what the point of his behavior is. My in laws constantly say I should calm him down, change him, etc. If they raised him like this how can I change him??

It drives me insane that my husband causes the problems in our home and I have to deal with the consequences. Any suggestions on how I can control my emotions as well? These situations make me hate everyone... him, his parents, and his sister.

peacetips · Jun 12, 2012

The problem I see here is you want to be included in what he speaks with his parents, or sister. Perhaps he might take it as loss of privacy. You might be assuming that you were the topic of the day, and this uncertainty is perhaps driving you crazy even more. Agreed it would have been nice if he is transparent, obviously it does not apply or work with everyone.

Coming to your husband's behavior, when you both are in good mood, tell him that his angry /taunting talks may make him less likable even in his own family. Suggest him that it is better NOT to argue or talk to his parents (or anyone) when he is upset (or when something aggravates him during a conversation). He could politely tell them that he will call back or find some reason to discontinue the talking (shouting) phase. Tell him that this could prevent misunderstandings in the long run, and that he may be more loved or respected due to his calm approach. Off course, unsettled things between him and parents could be the subject of the next call, and he could put his ideas in a more non-confrontational method. Note that you pestering him for details about what he talks might work against you. You could just add a statement, that he could always share his problems with you and you are there for him.
That being said, it could be difficult to change one's behavior right away. The change has to happen within himself, and he will have to work on it.

BerryPine · Jun 12, 2012

Usually men wont share their problem or anything that stresses them to wife as they think that might lose their parent's respect /what she can do apart from worrying kinda mind set..

Let him enjoy the stress and you dont stress about the thing he is stressing himself!
The more you ask him to share the more he tries to hide/refuses as if they are discussing about some nasa secrets..lol.
Just live like you are not bothering about him ,he may turn to you soon!

Hugs

coolpinky · Jun 12, 2012

Hi NYgirl,

Even my DH is like yours. I also have the same problem. He doesnt share anything with me. Few things i get to know thorugh his dearest mom and few through his text msgs and call logs. When asked he says he has nothing important to share and inturn he says i keep my personal issues hidden from him. This issue is driving even me crazy. I feel even your DH is highly introvert like mine and preffers to share things only with whom they trust the most. So its clearly understood that they are not comfortable sharing with their wives as they do not trust us. But they are capable of giving big lectures on word TRUST. In my case i dont know with whom he shares his personal issues and views but i am sure that there is someone.

My suggestion is just be what you are and try to behave as if you are very open with him and keep sharing things of your own which you feel like telling.
Ask his suggestion if required. This makes him feel that you are sharing everything with him and within a few days he might open up.
I am trying the same thing now and results are awaited .

Gud Luck:thumbsup