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Husband disrespects,hurts and emotionally distant

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kanch, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. kanch

    kanch Junior IL'ite

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    Hi ALL,

    Im not new to this forum but its been a while after my baby was born i couldnt spend much time to post my issues here to get advices from my respected ladies.

    I'm married for 5 years,have a 3 year old boy and was in courtship with my husband for about 13 years. Yes,it was a love marriage and I would like to give a short descirption of everything before I jump to my problems Im facing in my life currently. My husband was an enthusiastic charming person and I fell in love wiht him for the care and affection he had for me during college days. we both came across so many quarrels but still managed to get married for the 'LOVE' we had. To talk about his career, he planned to do business after college and he researched on it for 3 years went for call center job and he was more indecisive on his career basically. His family supported watever he does,so I'm. Now Im married and he has a partnership in a small company and doesnt think about his ambitions and content with wht he has. I was and Im working in IT and never had a chance to quit my job because of my husband's profession. My parents are also not well off but i couldnt support them because of my husbands 'Narcissistic' attitude. He always disrespects me,controls my salary and abuses me for everyhting i do. I talkback about his unsuccesful career and it has lead to an emotional separation. He comes home to be with my baby. Where in he asks me to stay with his parents to save money. ALso my mil is outright hurting and I cannot stand her words and hence i moved separately saying i have to stay near my office. Now when I started to talk back about my hardwork,money and my husband hates me. I'm unable to stay in his control and he has taken me for granted. He says he is heading for divorce and he cannot live with me anymore. He always stays at his moms place and he feels his family is more important than me and his son.

    My parents are taking care of my son,and he stops me whenever i help them financially. I feel insecure and stuck in this marriage and I have no courage to divorce him because i still have a soft corner for him. My in laws always support him for everything he does and they hate me for not obeying him.

    Whats the next step I should take.. Sorry for the long post pals.. :(
     
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  2. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    ' Narcissistic'

    You have told everything in that one word.

    Well, it would be of no use to quarrel or argue with that guy. He is not going to hear it at all.

    Regarding job it is going to be the same. He would not hear your advice as well.

    Only one good thing, he like his child. Try to use it to get some leverage.

    The most important thing before doing anything to salvage your marriage, is to ask yourself the question whether you are ready to leave or not and if ready to leave, are you in a financially viable position to take care of your as well your kid's future. When the husband is not good, what is point in thinking about the in laws. They are there to add fuel to the fire.

    What ever I have written are suggestions. You know your husband pretty well and you have to make judgement based on how his character is and whether there is any hope in life to stay with him or not.

    Take care,
    Vaidehi
     
  3. kanch

    kanch Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks Vaidehi for ur advice.. My son loves his dad.. leaving my husband will damage his future so I dont want a divorce.. But I take care of everything at home,,he is a spendthrift and what he gets he spends for second car new bike everything and I have no control over it..

    He wants comfort at others cost..But its been 3 months we are not taking to each other and he threatens me of divorce if I talk to him.. He says he doesnt like me and he will not support this family as I came out of my in laws house for my comfort. My mil doesnt like me and I have had many bad expereinces after baby.. Now he hurts my parents too for each and everythign as they are taking care of my kid in our absence.

    He gives ridiculous comments and hurtful words to them but still they are adjusting just for the way. Only thing he takes advantage is of the little one.. He doesnt even buy anythign for the baby.. he spends everything in card and I pay for it
     
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    That is not good financially for the family.

    Him being spendthrift and you having no say over it.

    Why do you have to pay for his credit card woes. His woes are for him to sort as he is not helping with the household expenditure.

    First then you make a budget for the living expenses and find out how much are you able to save for your future.

    I know it would be hard to make a decision of separation with a kid in picture. If he does not like your parents ask him to pay for the kid's child care and tell him that it is his responsibility and that you are willing to keep your parents at bay for a while. So ask him to spend for his kid.

    If you want to stay with him, it is a hard journey ahead. You would be the best judge of him. Every individual is different and it takes different modalities and ways to change them. So you decide.

    Another option is going to marriage counselling. Not sure where they are available in Chennai. Try to find one and talk to your husband to try it along with you.

    Other ilites might give you advices. Think about them and decide.

    Take care,
    Vaidehi
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    1)Op...Stop paying for your irresponsible husband's expenses.The only way to change irresponsible people is by taking away the support that is enabling the irresponsible behavior.

    Your husband can be irresponsible because you enable him.Tell him to take responsibility for himself and let him know you will not pay his card bills.


    2)As for his divorce threats,stop getting scared of his threats....let him know that you are the stronger party here.

    As a parent with a stable job and supportive parents who are willing to help out,you will most likely to get custody of his child .

    He will have to pay child support which will come from his 'fun' money.You will be rid of his parents forever and he will have to take complete responsibility for himself and his parents too.


    3) You can't change him Op......he will have to realize on his own how much he stands to lose here.

    4) Take full control of your finances.....run your home , save for retirement and help your parents .

    Let him decide if he wants to be a part of your life or wants to go his own way .He is more likely to respect you more if you are in control of your life.....or he will continue to treat you disrespectfully.
     
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  6. kanch

    kanch Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks Vaidehi.. Marriage counselling will not work.. He doesnt respect anyone and he feels what he does is right.. He wants everything in control of him.. Even his parents,my parents he wants to control.. I know its going to be tough journey for me to stay with him but what did my son do? He needs a father I cannot burden him emotionally separated from his father..

    Also,i dont want to get back to normal relationship with my husband as he over powers me and says I earn more than him so I have the bad attitude.. He says his parents are his world his sister brother are his life because they support him.. He says I'm money minded.. He uses harsh words and try to dominate me.. He decides everything for me.. He will say do this do that,I agreed because i loved him truly and tried to make him comfortable. Now its back fired to me as i dont have nay freedom to even buy clothes for me.. If i buy he says im a spendthrift.. He forcefully says to do this that to my parents and he thinks he is the only knowledgable person in the whole world..

    I feel he is insecure about his career and he doesnt want to take any step to improve. He wants my support and he will control me as well.. I dont want separation but I want a peaceful life ahead. I cannot change him but I have to handle this for my son atleast.. Basically Im an emotional person I think emotionally and I dont want to let down people.. My rigid irresponsible husband will not change and will not love me anymore that is for sure..
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    As for divorce threats OP.....he has no grounds for divorce.
    Not living with in laws is not grounds for divorce.Keep record of your finances and his irresponsible behavior.


    If you don't agree,there is no way he can give you one way divorce......not in India.
    Add a child to the mix and he will really find it difficult to get any judge to agree to a divorce.
    If you don't want...he really will have a difficult time divorcing you...so it is all in your hand.

    At most,he will stay away.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If that is the case OP,then the present situation works for you. Let husband know he is welcome to come and live with you and your child.....but if he likes staying with his parents,that is his wish.Just take control of your finances and your life.He can join you or not.

    Just because he is not always living with you doesn't mean he will not be a part of your son's life.Let him know he is welcome to spend time with son....but don't let him know you really are desperate for it because he will use it to control you.
     
  9. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, when your husband threatens You for divorce, tell him to go ahead if he really wants it and if it makes him happy....
    Stop spending on your husband or on his parents...spend only on living needs and your son education....rest save.....You going to need money in both cases whether you stay in marriage or not.....
    How your husband stops you from helping your parents....by calling names????saying bad words???.ignore him completely and do what you want to do with your money...
    Don't tell him that you work hard and earn money while he is not doing anything....these kind of talks are neither going to improve your status in family nor he is going to improve....because he knows you only talk and scared of divorce...he knows that you spend your money on him so he has no need to find a better work...he knows that saying you bad words and threats of divorce will keep you in control....
    Now onwards don't get involved in arguments with your husband.....just calmly do what you want to do....let him say what he wants to say to you or to your parents....don't give into his demands...
     
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  10. kanch

    kanch Junior IL'ite

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    He imposed all the expenses on me.. He didnt even buy a gift for his sister wedding,where in my in laws hurt me with words that I didnt let him do anything for his sister. So I spent about 10k buying gold for his sister which he didnt bother to share.. He says he is paying off loans thats car bike loan and he says he does for the family. where in i feel he decides wat he wants and he pays for it. He never ever spent a penny for my sons clothes or diapers too till date.

    He says he will not change his career and he is happy with wat he earns which is of no use to the family anyways. My in laws particularly my mil says I married when he was unsettled so thats my mistake and I shouldnt blame his behaviour.

    So atlast Im the person suffering. But still I have the emotional bonding with him that makes me feel money is nothing compared to humanity. So in a 'Narcissistic' way he says im money minded and completely I shud take responsibility of his behaviour.. Every day and night is like Im all alone and he made me feel I have made a mistake.. BUt its not my mistake actually. ONly mistake I did was,married this person.. :(
     

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