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Husband Cutting Down Relation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SimplelLife, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ladies... Please refer to my previous threads..I know my issue might not be as big as other problems here but it making me vulnerable.. I don't have anyone to guide ... I badly need your suggestion... In the current scene MIL asked at my home about god bharayi ritual in which girls parents give her saree and cloths for baby at an very unappropriated occasion which they said that they don't follow it.. and more important they dont prepare anything for baby and mumma before delivery, and falsely accused me to my Bhabhi that I don't talk to her. Later my mom asked me if I want anything and I refused by saying if you don't follo don't do, let them do their customs and do your when you get chance. it happened 1 month back, Mil falsely accused me to my Bhabhi saying I don't talk to her, due to so many fights before I never told my husband anything.

    2 days back DH inform me about their visiting 3 months prior to delivery saying they found out that muhurat for God Bharat puja is only at that time and said he asked his parents to not to tell anything to my parents about stuff and he will also tell my parents not to send anything, the thing is that he was not talking gunuinely but rather out out of burst kind of.

    Next day morning he went for office without breakfast- lunch. Long faced. I talk to him later at night what is the reason behind his changed behavior. He says he is done with everything, I will support you whatever needed and I will do everything for baby apart from that I dont want any relation with you . He says we are together just because of baby. He is not at all excited about baby. I know he is thinking so much .. He is fearful about our fights and that's why don't want to have baby Imagining every bad thing can happen .. Emagining about our separation.. He says we can only live peacefully if me and his parents and my family and his parents break all contacts... I said why my family as they never objected anything before .. This is the first time they said no for something and it is because of their strong belief and it's not like DH don't like my family except my Bhabhi. If I kiss him he is like stone, if I hug him he is like stone, when he went to office he never say bye .. Never look at me I only see his back. I said that no god Bharai will done and his parents never ever visit here. I am not getting anything out of his behavior.. When I completely stopped saying anything about his family he started behavior this way .. Aloof. Though I don't have so many problems with his parents now, his mom is extremely egoistic, liar, manipulative and act nice in front of everyone. She keeps complaining about not calling her frequently though she only calls me Twice in 4 yrs for which DH says ohh you are so big you will call if she calls you.i said everyone need care irrespective of elder or younger.i know problem will solve out if start boosting his moms ego but I don't want to. Please show me some ways to deal with the situation.
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP...watch out...
    You are drifting away from your H.
    These small things because of in-laws create a rift between wife n H. in-laws will be asusual and here, you will be fighting. Post baby, situations are different. If you need emotional support of your H, you need to be careful now.
     
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  3. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply
    Please tell me what should I do... Does not matter how honest a wife is and how shrewd a mil is, she can not win.. I am fighting inside me every moment... Very day I cry to see him going out without saying anything .. Only I can see is his back... I want to kill that bi***... She can not control me directly so she is making her sons life miserable by imotional tantrum. He is saying no one is happy with me, you don't know how it feels to a man that he can not make his family happy. He struggles in his life so much so Sometimes I thought I should regular call her and maintain a formal relation( and stop giving any value to her sisters and brothers) just for sake of DH.. Just for his mental peace then I feel why should I do anything when he can not even accept his moms deeds .. Can not say that she is wrong.. I ha e some of her false accusations.. Should I go forward and ask her how come she said all these things or I stay mum. I think she can not make any worst for me as she already done.. At my face she plays so sweet. You know I was not like that ... I used to laugh out loud .. Never cared about any ******** .. May be used to cry once in 4-5 yrs. never entertained dual faces people.. Actually I never had except one with whom I maintained cordial relation, it Never affected me what other people said about me ... I was Always cool Most important was happy then I lost everything... I don't know how all the things changed me so much ... I become most sensitive ... If she does not ask me my well being it hurts me ... I was not like that ... I am struggling from past 4 years ... And I lost myself
     
  4. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    please help me yellomango, SGBV, chocolate, sm123
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband needs to grow up. He is not five years old anymore throwing a silent tantrum because someone wouldn't give him his favorite toy. Your MIL is behaving as she is because she knows what the effect will be. Passive aggressive behavior is not mature.
     
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  6. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply. I know you are right... He always behaving in this manner if something he don't want happen... I already knew this .. Please give me some solution. When I had words with him 3-4 days back he told me I am continuing because of baby because I know alone either of us can not raise a baby... I told him if we have such a relation there is no use of staying together and giving baby a worst environment, and I will make myself able and will raise my baby alone. He always through imotional tantrums at such time. This time said I will tell my mom just forget your both sons are married and you have 2 dils.. At one point he told me stop playing my wife when I told him I am your wife. So this is how he is. I was in worst imotional state .. Cried a lot and was not picking breath. He was stopping me from crying when I said I don't need his help he said everything will be as it is, I am doing this out of humanity... From next day he started caring... Asking about food.. Sitting with me .. Light talking .. Asking about my doctors appointment . But I know it's out of humanity.. About his mom I just don't want to think about her and I know she won't bear my peace of mind...
     
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Your hubby is a mama's boy. Period. Came hay he will want to please mummy dearest. Your MIL is always looking for cashing the next occasion from your family in the name of customs. Your hubby is again spineless to stop his mom. Everybody are only trying to get their way in this pregnancy. Forget everybody. Your pregnancy is precious to you and you alone. Your hubby shud be ashamed of himself to pile on you at this time. He is spineless to confront anybody and goes on and on beating around the bushes. I had to go back to your earlier posts to get the zest of it. Please don't look out for happiness from a man who says you have an abortion so you can resolve issues with mommy dearest.

    What is that statement supposed to mean don't ask about god bharai ceremony from your parents and things associated with it? Was he that generous when your MIL milked your parents for lame reasons. He just wants to prove to you that he is good. If he was really good he wud have told your MIL he will get you something for that and not to ask your parents.

    These incidents shud prepare you for pregnancy and baby. Forget all these people pamper yourself and don't look for validation from hubby for anything. Your hubby is acting like a spoilt brat who just wants to be indulged. Let him be. Don't give him too much importance when he puts up a stern face and walks out.

    Go online and get yourself a beautiful silk saree or dress and keep it as a memory for pregnancy.

    Don't ask or plead , just mention your in laws visit will be welcome when baby is 2 months old. Chances are slim for that and they will want to come before.If they come let them go around by themselves and put your foot down if they want you to join them.Avoid any travel during the last 2 months of pregnancy.Let your hubby join them for trips. It will be tuff with baby to manage by yourself but it will be better without stress factors like MIL-FIL. Congrats on your pregnancy. Good Luck.
     
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  8. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your response...
    He is not exactly a Momas boy but he can not take any stand.. Even for himself.. He is like that only.. In most of the situatio ns he try to please others and when family concerned he always prioritize them .. His mom has a big gang of relatives to group against and I think he try to avoid it though he is most respected in his both side of family. His mom runs after good name and so he is. She does not inform us about ritual thing she demanded from family when he got to know he said her not to take anything... But he showing recentment by saying they wont give anything from now to anyone else than you.. It's like it strikes in his moms ego and so does his. I said it's ok many people does that .. My dad does that in my brothers marriage not taking anything but If you were asking this because of some belief or values it would have different thing. I have no idea what other things they discussed. He told mil buy whatever needed by herself... Now in anger he said no god Bharai for which I am actually happy that in this way may be I won't have to bear mil so early... When he was throwing all tantrum I told him I don't need any help from her.. If she wish to come after 1-2 months but later I corrected myself saying I don't need any help if she wants to come its up to her .. Don't say her not to come from my side. I said so because he himself could ask them not to come and later will throw all the blame on me that I said because you ask me to ... He has a blaming personality... He always try to make me feel guilt and at fault when fights... If my logics become heavy on him he started telling how much struggle he did and thought tomorrow I will be happy if my wife will be happy... If I point out his moms liars he said why don't you see her other things... Always defending and when have nothing to say making himself how miserable his life was and now he don't want disturbing things... I think I have to handle him like an mil
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...your husband is a drama queen and thrives on emotional melodrama.
    You are enabling him with your constant attention to him.
    Just ignore his nonsense.

    If he says he is in this relationship only because of the child....you give him some emotional drama too that you are also in this because of the child and you are so unlucky to have to hear all this from the father of the child when you are pregnant.Tell him ,other fathers read stories to the baby in the tummy and your poor kid has to hear his/her father say such nonsense.Shed two tears and the drama queen husband of yours will shut up.

    Don't run after him and try to please him. You are pregnant,not him.You pamper yourself and be happy.If you ignore his silly tantrums,he will try to catch your attention and come running after you.

    He is doing all this to manipulate you to bear with his mother's nonsense .Tell him to not upset you and your baby with this nonsense.
    If he persists,tell him you are going to have to think about your future and your child's future because you are not going to raise a child in a non loving home.If you are not working,start looking for work related ads in front of him.That will make him realize that you are serious.

    As for mil...your mil is like a lot of mils .Don't expect her to call you and worry about you.
    you do your bit.
    Don't wait for him to ask you to call.When he is present ,call her up ,wish her ,ask her about her health,weather ,small chit chat and then tell her that her son is impatient to talk to her,hand over the phone to him.This will make him feel you called on your own and not under your pressure. Do this once in a week or 15 days.Don't call when he nags. Call when you feel like and when he is present.

    If she makes demands for things from your parents (like this God bharai ) ,talk to him calmly.
    Tell him your parents respect him so much as a son in law. You can ask them for the stuff but they may lose respect for him and his mother slowly.They will not show it ,but it will happen.You do not want him to lose any respect in their eyes because you are very proud of how much they like and value him.You both offer to buy the stuff instead.
     
  10. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for the guidance... Yes, he always behaves in this way whenever he need to take stand and support me in any situation... He makes himself vulnerable... His behavior changed after that day .. He started caring for which at that h said it is out of humanity... I am not giving him any bonus attention for that and behaving as usual... He started behaving with recentment .. These days from past some months whenever he went for drinks with his colleagues he used to comes back after 12 midnight but this time he comes by 10:30 without me asking... Trying to help me in kitchen when possible but I am feeling this is till her moms next call. It's not like he does not know her moms nature but simply try to protect her but he is not faking ... He is really in stress thOugh I stopped saying anything about mil but she continuesly making him sandwiched and pretending herself ohh so poor in front of him for that he feels himself a failure... I am really worried about him... I am not calling her from past one and half month... If I call her and she again complains for not calling should I tell her that since I am pregnant I was expecting your concern but you didn't or I just wave it off and in currant scenerio I really don't want her to call me... I am just scared to talk to her in absence of DH due to her manipulation. I badly wanted to tell her so many things .. Reply for each of her complaints... Will it be good or it will only increase pressure on DH.
     

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