Husband Cheated

hatemyself · Jun 3, 2015

I am new to this website. One of my friend suggested me this. I want advice from a person who doesn't know about me or my family.So I can speak-up freely.

I got love cum married in 2007 with my engineering class-mate. He came here to do masters where as I worked in India for an year.And then I came here leaving everything and then the recession did hit us. To manage house-hold expenses, I started working odd jobs to support my husband so he can search for a job. After, he got his job I still continued doing odd jobs and finishes my masters and working since 2 years. We are a very happily married couple.Suddenly, last year my husband stopped telling me "I love you" and stopped having sex. I thought he might be busy and tired with his work.But, recently I found out through imessages that he had an affair with his colleague for one and half year and then they ended it. I found out after 6 months they ending the relationship.

I was the one who suggested them to go by same car to office so, that they can avoid traffic and spent less money.

I asked him lot of questions abt the affair, I cried a lot, I fought a lot, I started living a life with him by trying to forget her. But, I still see her sitting next to my husband and teasing me. My husband said Sorry for 2 weeks and then started saying to stop irritating him by bringing that topic.

I gave an ultimatum today to my parents and inlaws that we are getting divorced. Do you think I am doing a mistake?

VanithaSudhir · Jun 3, 2015

IMO.. Absolutely Not ! You are right. What if you had an affair ? Your Husband would have accepted you ?

Btwn.. It is very hard to forget infidelity. Move on. He doesn't deserve you.

GoneGirl · Jun 3, 2015

Hi OP,

It is totally your decision here, whether you divorce him or forgive him, no one can say you made a wrong decision.

It is very hard to overcome infidelity, and is only possible if the other partner is really sorry, realize their mistake and is willing to do anything to keep the marriage intact.

[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]"My husband said Sorry for 2 weeks and then started saying to stop irritating him by bringing that topic" These words tell me that he is not truly sorry for his actions and your forgiveness doesn't mean much to him. He doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for you to overcome this mistake of his. In this scenario, i think your decision to divorce is right and you should get out before it is too late.

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guesshoo · Jun 3, 2015

Have you both sought counselling? After a blunder of this magnitude, your relationship could still be salvaged; both of you would need to put in intense work under guidance - of the licensed counsellor, preferably, than a family member.

my sincere suggestion is to not involve families right now - you will get a lot more headache than your bargained for. Even if you do not wish to continue your relationship, you owe it to yourself to take time to think things through. Take a temporary separation and whether he joins you or not, seek counselling. Figure out a way that suits you. Strategise. Make a plan. If you choose to not continue with your marriage at that point, you will be more prepared for it than you are at the moment.

A hasty and acrimonious divorce right away won't help you.

yellowmango · Jun 3, 2015

This man cheated for one and half years. He got caught with evidence.....
Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful ....he is irritated by his wife's anguish. This piece of scum doesn't deserve to have a wife.

I agree with guesshoo on one count.Don't divorce him in anger ....divorce the scumbag after proper planning. Get in touch with a lawyer and take him to the cleaners.

jaden · Jun 3, 2015

I do agree with people here ,that this person doesnt deserve you.One and the half year of affair,itself shows how manipulative this person is to have hidden it from you.While you were slogging away to make the both ends meet,he was enjoying.How convenient for him to just brush it all aside saying he has broken up.

Find a good lawyer and ensure he pays the price big time.

SadMarried · Jun 3, 2015

you made the right choice. Infidelity should never be accepted and forgiven. Make your self strong and well prepared before filing for divorce and yes leave that scumbag. He doesn't deserve you.

sanjuruby3 · Jun 3, 2015

Hi OP

Please do not hate yourself and do not take any decision in haste.

Once this is out to your parents and relatives, If you ever plan to live and continue with him, it is going to make it worse. anyways ..as someone said, its not easy to forget and forgive infidelity.

In all your future fights, this will keep coming from you and H usually do not want to be reminded of their mistakes and they do so by shouting and we , women have habit of remembering and digging old graves ( talking from experience , some may be different )

Before taking this out of door, think if it was really an affair and not just casual flirtation. Did he accept it was an affair? What was his future plan if did not end? Were they just taking each other for ride?

First clarify with him before approaching families.

pear · Jun 3, 2015

Dear op,

Hugs to you ....8 years of spending yourself in a relationship(through lifes ups and downs) and finding that you are not that imp for your life partner is not easy to digest.

You had spend so much of yourself in this relationship,so for your sake take enough time to decide about it.Give yourself time to know whether you want to forgive him or have enough in you to live a normal life with him.

Divorce is a big decision ,dont decide it in haste and live to regret the decision.I agree with @guesshoo that you need counselling and little bit of separation to make that final decision.

Infidelity is very difficult to forgive.But there are some marriages that had survived infidelity and it depends on the persons involved.There should be genuine regret from the party involved in infidelity and the wronged should have the capacity to forgive the same.They should be able to rebuilt thier relationship with mutual respect and trust from the scratch.Presence of genuine affection acts as a starting point,if its absent the whole process of patchwork is a waste of time and energy.

Prayers to you pa.

pear · Jun 3, 2015

As a stranger even i want to give a punch to your h face. How dare he wants you to take the whole episode seem as small as a single traffic signal violation.He has no right to feel irritated.Irritating specimen!.........:spin....just ranting not a suggestion ...