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Husband Asking To Go Back To Work. How To Handle This ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Oct 16, 2017.

  1. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Problem is not working. It's about in laws buying luxuries and using me to get them.

    "I have two kids I'm trying to avoid divorce but am not in the position to tolerate this nonsense anymore."

    What is so nonsense about this ?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2017
  2. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Oh my god ! My husband is the same way. He says do I need to baby sit ur kids if I ask him to watch them when I go to the restroom. He sleeps in the other room so kids won't disturb his sleep. It's a newborn baby.

    I really don't want a divorce. But what do I do to solve this.

    I have 2 kids !
     
  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @OP, it is always better to be financially independent. Like everyone has suggested, share the financial expenses for your own household and kids, but refuse to contribute to buy wasteful things / luxuries for your husband's siblings/parents. There is nothing wrong in sharing financial expenses equally with your husband, of-course goes without saying that sharing of household chores will also have to be done equally then.
    It is always better to have a job, and savings of your own, so you can plan for your and kids' future, without worrying whether husband is doing savings or spending everything on his FOO. It is better to secure one's future in one's own hands. Of course, you have to be strong and fight back, if he wants you both to combine salaries in joint account, and then you see it all spent on his family, with nothing left for your emergencies, future and kids.
    Being financially dependent on someone always puts us in a weak position, completely depending on someone else's salary to secure your future is dangerous. You are putting yourself in a position where you and children always have to compete with your in-laws for your husband's resources ; it's not a healthy situation for your marriage - because your husband doesn't seem to value you. If he was a good husband, he would have put his children's well-being first . It's always better to be financially independent so you can live in peace knowing that you have enough savings for your own future and to give a good life/ education to your children. Then you will not be affected by what he is doing with rest of his money, as long as he is contributing his fair share to household expenses and chores.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2017
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  4. ZenSojourner

    ZenSojourner Silver IL'ite

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    I don't think any of us can tell you exactly what to do - its no good telling you to divorce if you won't be able to support yourself and 2 kids with comfort.

    But we can hope you can pick and choose from among the suggestions here to take those pieces that you think could help you.

    I think nakshatra1 above has some good suggestions about going ahead and getting a job, but keeping your finances separate. Split house payment, utilities, groceries, child care. But keep aside enough for an emergency - such as having to move out with the kids on your own. No one says you have to actually DO that, but prepare for the situation where it might become necessary.

    You need to regain some confidence at the very least. If you are not confident and instead you are coming from the place of hurt where you are now then you have no leverage to accomplish change. And something DEFINITELY needs to change. Allowing your husband to play the generous benefactor to his parents like he has been when it negatively impacts your family life to this point is simply not reasonable. It can't sustain.

    But if you are in a position where you have money of your own, and some confidence, and a good job, then you can reevaluate the whole situation without also having to deal with the overwhelming fear and loneliness that you have now.

    I hope you can get a good paying job. What did you do when you were working before?
     
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  5. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    But what if they "ask" for my money. How do we equally share it. Now he is sending me more and more bills asking me to pay for them. How do I keep track of how much I'm paying how much are monthly expenses and how much he's paying. ?
     
  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you can make a monthly/yearly budget to figure out on average how much is spent for your household on average, and contribute half of that much money into a joint household fund. Both of you contribute equally to that fund, which will solely be used for household items. This will include rent/emi for your house, children, food, grocery & utilities, trips and everything related only to your household and kids.
    For rest of your money, invest it in your children's name, or make long term investments in your name, or just buy gold for "financial security". They can only ask you excess money if you have it lying around. So tie up everything else in investments.
    He has to contribute his fair share, if required he has to cut down spending on his family's luxuries, but no way should he expect you to pay his share. You have to be strong and fight back for this.
    As a wife, it is your right to be involved in all financial decisions, and he cannot unilaterally decide to spend huge amounts on his siblings/parents without your concurrence. But since he is not doing that, you also should not give him a view of what you are doing with your savings. If you do, there is every possibility that you will be asked to pay for his FOO's stuff directly or indirectly , as he has "run out of money". Many husbands think that their FOO's luxuries are necessities, and wife and kid's basic necessities are burdens . Your husband is also like that, so no use being transparent and straight forward with him. He doesn't feel much responsibility towards the kids he produced, so handing over your money blindly will spoil your and kids' future.
     
    Naari likes this.
  7. ZenSojourner

    ZenSojourner Silver IL'ite

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    DON'T buy gold. I know that has traditionally been an "investment" for women in India but it certainly is not here. Buy savings bonds, invest in a CD, almost anything else. Gold is a high risk investment - it's not like India where a woman kept gold jewelry so she could go sell it off in hard times. You'll always take a loss here doing that, and I'm not sure you wouldn't take a loss on it in India as well. Not even buying "gold securities" rather than straight up jewelry. Terrible investment. Almost anything else is better.
     
  8. ZenSojourner

    ZenSojourner Silver IL'ite

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    You know what your rent or house payment is. You know what your utilities are, or you should know. Most utilities in the US now allow you to create an online account which you can check every month for the exact bill. Do that for all your utilities, water, gas, electric, trash. Do not accept "bills" he sends you for anything unrelated to household expenses - and btw why is he "sending you bills" instead of talking to you about them in person? Make sure you do NOT give him the passwords for those accounts so he can't shut you out of them. Technically, unless the utilities are in your name, you can't get this information from them by calling or going there and asking. Demand printed copies of the bills if you can't get online to check them.

    Demand receipts and check them against purchases. It's annoying and obnoxious but apparently he is not to be trusted. So you will have to check up on him constantly. YOU decide what is and is not an allowable expense. Don't pay for anything he claims that is not a household expense.

    Do you drive? Do you have your own car? If so it makes the next suggestion a lot easier - do all the grocery shopping yourself and deduct one half of those expenses from what you "owe" him for rent/house payment and utilities before he ever even gets it. That ought to put a stop to an awful lot of arguments over what constitutes allowable grocery expenses.

    If you do have your own car, he is likely to demand a car payment from you once you start working, if you have a loan on it. You might consider replacing it with an older reliable car that won't need a payment or would have a lower payment. You need to know a good, trustworthy auto mechanic to vet a car you're considering buying - but you need that anyway. Make sure the car is titled in YOUR name, not his. Also make sure you are on the deed for the house, if you own rather than renting.

    Anyway - why is he sending you bills already? You're not working right now, are you? Maybe you should start billing HIM for household services - maids and cooks and child care providers make a lot of money and you are providing all 3 services - maybe its time for him to value you as you are, right now, and all you contribute to his comfort.

    Invest anything that is left over. Don't forget that investing in your kid's names means you don't have control of that money anymore plus there are tax liabilities involved for them - they will have to file tax returns. Actually you will have to file them FOR them. DON'T buy gold, that's a lousy investment and highly volatile. Look for CDS, bonds, mutual funds. Keep the records in a safe deposit box he doesn't know about. Obviously you would NOT give him the key to that.

    You have to put your foot down and absolutely refuse to give him anything to send to his family in India.

    Honestly, I have to say - this does not sound like it can work out. It certainly sounds like you are ALREADY facing escalation from him, and you're not even working yet (are you?) You can anticipate more abusive behavior from him as you become more and more independent and less and less likely to just give in to everything he wants.

    IF HE EVER RAISES A HAND TO YOU, GET OUT WITH YOUR KIDS IMMEDIATELY! Call the police and have HIM arrested, and get a restraining order. This is the ONE case where I will ALWAYS tell an Indian woman to cut ties and get a divorce. No one should be subjected to constant abuse or the fear of beatings. I have had so many relatives who put up with this, and it never did any of them any good. I had a cousin whose husband - picked out for her BY HER PARENTS - nearly beat her to death right in front of them, and everybody always talked about how "lucky" she was that her parents LET her move home with them to stay away from him. THEY picked the jerk, "letting" her move home is the very LEAST they should have done! He would still show up once in awhile to rape and beat her, but she was lucky. Right. NOT.

    Karma be da**ed! No one deserves to be beaten regardless of what you supposedly did or did not do in your last life, and women are NOT inferior to men and thus born into female-ness due to bad karma. I once had a Hindu relative inform me that as a woman, I was lower than a snake on the karmic scale. No, a man who SAYS something like that to belittle women is lower than a snake! Boy am I glad my dad was an atheist so I didn't have to grow up fighting such beliefs!

    In this country, your husband has to pay you child support until your kids are grown. In most, if not all, states, this includes getting them through college. AND he has to maintain health care for them. This is enforced by the courts now - they won't wait for him to write checks, they will garnish his wages directly and send the money to you. You would also get alimony for a period of years, especially if you need to get some education to improve your job skills. HE HAS TO DO THIS EVEN IF YOU ARE SEPARATED and not divorced. SEE A LAWYER.

    EagerForInfo, you still have not shared with us what possibilities you have for employment. Do you have a college degree? What field is it in? What level? IF not, what was your last job and what prospects for working do you have now? Much of what you can do hangs on what your job prospects are, realistically.
     
    tulip07 likes this.
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You are not working now. Then how can you pay bills. You need to learn how to say NO.

    You have to be very strong. You can ask him to open a common checking account and credit card ( two cards , one for each. The account will be in both your names and even check book) account where both of you have access. All payment like mortgage/rent, kids payment , common expense should be done by the common accounts. His /your personal expense should not be there. This way you can monitor your family's expenses.

    You should have your own checking and savings account for your salary, if you work, where you only have access to.. so that he cannot see or control it.. as he is spending too much you don't have to reveal how much you have. This way you can save money for you and kids. Refuse to spend money for his family. Let him do it from his salary.

    You/ he can transfer money to checking account every month to pay all the expenses and common credit card.Your contribution to common expense should not exceed 60% of your salary. This way all transactions will be recorded and will give you a clear idea. (Visit your bank and talk to your bank representative to learn more)

    You have to be strong and learn to say NO if it is needed.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2017

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