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Husband Asking Me To Apologize

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ishaan10, Dec 29, 2020.

  1. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    I'm married for six years with two kids..I'm working women 9 to 2 job...my mil take care of my kids while I'm at my work place...she is good mother n good grand mother n as a general rule bad mil...she find fault at small things n wont talk with me..for sake of peace at home I will budge n apologize her ....she will start scolding me for some silly reasons, if I try to explain , she will be like why u r talking against me , how dare u talk against me, u r not good women like that she will blame...my husband's opinion was the same, that I should not voice out my opinion even I'm 100% right...recent issue was mil came inbetween husband n wife fight n she again started blaming me that I'm not listening her , replying her that is talking against her..one point I'm want to make clear is I'm talking against her mean I'm trying to explain my point I'm not fighting her ...so she went to silent mode became too bossy in house, behaves like I'm no longer existed in that house...on that day maid doesn't obeyed my orders , so I scolded her..my mil jumped in between n started to fight like how can u scold the maid..how can u heat the milk, how can u put new dosas blah blah ...it's difficult to find maid nowadays ..behaved like it's her house I can't do as my wish...I said k I won't enter the kichen ...as long as maid was there I won't enter the kitchen...mil won't talk to me , this going on for past 1 month... my husband insisting me to apologize mil repeatedly..I'm the one who was ill treated in that home...how can I ask sorry...it's like I should not have any back bone..I just hate my husband for this...for him his mom is more important than anything... previously I used to love my husband very much, I'm not asking to reciprocate my love, but he doesn't value my love...I don't know nowadays I'm hating him n i hate this life so much.dont know how long I can go like this...he is controlling me in visiting my parents like u have to leave one kid here itself...u r allowed to take only one kid with u n u have to return within 2- 3 days..my mil n husband already made a huge fight with my parents so there is no way they both coming here n staying with me...
    Sorry this is a kind of venting out my feelings, that I don't have anyone to share..
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    My sympathies...
    I felt like I was reading about an incident which happened to me..
    Many months ago, the similar thing happened to me..
    The maid was being over smart and avoided work and she took one week of consecutive leaves without informing me.. maid was showing attitude and behaving arrogantly with me..I was quite exhausted and irritated and over worked and I scolded her..my MIL yelled at me ...inspite of the fact that I was not at fault and I had taken care of all household cleaning tasks in maid absence...
    My DH also yelled at me and said I’m at fault...
    Really it’s tough with such MILs who think ladies are maid servants of the house.
     
  3. drdiva

    drdiva Bronze IL'ite

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    Dont say sorry..and see what they do ..I would say confront them.And no need to leave any of your kid while visiting ud parents..They are trying to sit on your head..
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    6 years, these issues do come initially first 2 years. hubby ego with wife parents . but after 2 kids, not nice on hubby.

    mil will not change. she is banking on your spouse. you need to have a talk and talk does not mean just 1 day talk which ends up in a full blown fight. then you are hurted, he is hurted and confused (yep men are like that).

    you would have to talk slow and step by step, explaining him, that you are his family. kids are . Mil and your parents are extended. focus needs to change in keeping the main family calm and peacefull. kids did not do any mistake , they need love from all. time with anyone your parents, his parents is gold. he needs to understand.

    do not point any mistakes in mil, you might want to. but explain to him, this is just female nature. he should not come in between. some men cannot handle the high emotional tones from women and they become angry or scared and fight. he can leave the house , or go to another room and put music headset. point is he should not come no matter what. neither support you or her. ( i am sorry you might feel he should support you, but that would not happen for a long time) .

    you have to not looking into winning this , it more of not adding more people in your fights. after some time MIL will back once she sees Husband is just neutral and not concerned

    he can focus on kids and job and gym and career.

    i went through this, long back. my mom helped me to handle quite diplomatically. . now my H, is super happy when my mom comes because she won't let him do anything at during 4 months of her stay and will scold me too if i ask him ( :) :( ) , MAPILAI.
     
    dhara18 likes this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Let me ask you a question. Why you think its OK to scold a maid? Why can't you convey your displeasure in a respectful way. Maids are also doing a respectable job. They also deserve respect. If you are not happy, let her go and get someone who follow instructions. You owe an apology to her.

    Everyone deserves respect. Its our quality to give respect. Do you like if the maid scold you? Obviously you dont like it when MIL do the same. I dont think anyone with self respect like it.

    Your MIL seems to have typical narcissistic characteristics. She is dominating, controlling and keep on giving silent treatment. If you want to deal with her empower yourself with knowledge. There are so many youtube videos ( Example -by Dr.Ramani or other experts). It will help you a lot i believe. So explaining will always backfire. Limit interactions with MIL and make it formal. If she do something good ( taking care of your kids is a great service) appreciate her for that. Dont share much.
    If she finds fault with you , don't respond or explain, just give a blank look or simply smile or give an expression ' oh she is after me again' or stop doing what you were doing and leave the scene or do what you think is right. No words but only action.

    Be intelligent enough to understand that you can't change MIL. She keeps on doing the same as long as your dh supports her. So change you response.

    If you think not entering the kitchen while MIL or maid is there, help you, do that. You have so many other things to do. So be busy with that. Talk minimum to MIL and maid,only if necessary. Giving back silent treatment won't work all the time.

    Visiting parents- here you have to take a strong decision. Tell your husband very clearly that they are your parents. He can't stop visiting them. He can't control you over this. Take both kids with you. If he dont want to come that's ok. Your parents have to see their daughter and grandkids. Be strong and firm on this even if it results in unpleasant situations. Slowly he gets the message. He controls because he know he can do that.

    Do you need to apologize? Only you can decide. But talk in a cool way to husband. Ask him why he think you should apologize? Tell him you are ready to apologize if your MIL also apologize. Its not right to scold you infront of others including maids. If she has any disagreement, she has to convey it later. Its applicable to your dh too. Tell this clearly to him.

    Or you can use this situation in a better way. Tell your dh that you will apologize only if he give you a promise that he will never come between you & MIL and take a neutral stand. Also he should not yell at you infront of others. Also, you will try your best not to engage in any argument with othes. Be firm that you won't apologize again if he supports either of you. Stop complaining about MIL to him. Also share good things about MIL.

    But change the practice. Actually you are the one who created this system of apologizing. So they think its their right to receive it. You have to change it.

    As there are good aspects, dont allow these issues to spoil your marriage. Look at MIL in a different angle. Now you know how she responds like a joker. Listen and leave it through the other ear. Then you will learn how not to take this to heart. Dont waste your energy over her.

    Try to understand how your husband thinks-he is between the devil and the sea. Both of you are important to him. Where will he go? He has to stop supporting you both.

    You have be smart to deal with them. Its not easy, but you can. Dont allow others to influence your peace of mind .
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2020
  6. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks dear ...thank for the reply...
    Coming to maid part I asked her to one thing but she wantedly disobeyed me...that's the reason I scolded her that too not harshly, not raised my voice like this is the way u behave...
    Actually I m following what u told not complaining abt mil to husband...so he thinks I'm the one who done wrong , so he ask me to apologize...I'm silent mainly for peace of my mind but that doesn't mean I'm hurt...he doesn't understand that I'm hurt deeply, again n again he is hurting more..
    But main problem is I'm not smart enough to manage things in better way..that's why I'm struggling...
    Actually the main thing is I'm more comfortable by not talking to her, not have to worry abt her mood changes , what she will say r how she will respond...but I'm living like a guest in that house, actually I'm not able to say it as my house because of mil..if I apologise to her again she will create issues in one week the same going to be repeated again n again...I need to keep a fullstop , so I'm very stubborn why I have to apologize with no fault at me but husband keep on insisting me..
    I want to know that I have to apologize or not ..
     
  7. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    Actually both of us done our pg during our marraige, so we lived separately for 2 n half years ...so we r living like a family for the past 3 n half year only.. my husband mother is a single parent, so for him his mother is more important than anyone...that doesn't mean he neglects me but his priority was his mother...frankly speaking I couldn't accept that fact...I don't know whether for the men his mom n his children r important than his wife...but I have given my wholeself to him n this family...I was a single daughter , so I didn't lifted a small finger in my home ...after marriage everything was changed, he was busy at work..so buying vegetables , fruits, provisions, any other household works n cooking was done by me...managing kids , their school issues was done by me...I will cook special dishes which he likes n he is a foodie so I will do extra work for his taste ...all his daily needs was brought by me...like I will search for those things n buy ...I loved him a lot but knowing the fact for him his mom is more important is hurting me deeply...I said I was comfortable by not talking with her , but he says better u apologize for sake of family...
     
  8. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    He goes for work by 8.30 morning n come for lunch n soon he goes for work...n return home after 11pm..so i mainly don't want to argue with him...he is not at home , mil will show long face , then why I have to stay in his house...I just need a breathing space where I can freely do things...but he is not understanding...he is asking why u r planning to stay in ur mom's place for 1 week, return soon...leave one kid here itself ...don't go by cab , go by bus..i want to argue with him for these things, again he will be like thirumbavum sansai poda arambichitta...when turning back my life I see lot of fights n arguments only...I just hate this...I don't know whether to fight or just obey him
     
  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    If you can win by apologizing, then it is best to apologize and get on with life. Even when you feel you had done nothing to merit the apology. Holding out and losing is not a good strategy.

    The following from a business journal applies to all organizations -- including a family.
    The 4 Types of Ineffective Apologies
    When I was growing up, one of my favorite television shows was Happy Days, and my favorite character on that show was Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli — or “The Fonz” — who was the epitome of cool. He could tap a vending machine, and free sodas would appear. He could change music on a jukebox just by snapping his fingers.

    He could seemingly do anything — well, except for one thing. He couldn’t admit he was wrong. He’d stammer, clench his fist. “I’m wrrrrr,” he’d say, literally unable to utter the words. From the perspective of the show, it was hilarious, but for anyone who struggles to apologize in real life, it can cause real conflict,
     
    Rihana likes this.
  10. Venkat20

    Venkat20 Gold IL'ite

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    Respect yourself. Don't ask apologies with anyone if you have not done any mistake.
     

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