Husband Asking Me To Apologize

My sympathies...
I felt like I was reading about an incident which happened to me..
Many months ago, the similar thing happened to me..
The maid was being over smart and avoided work and she took one week of consecutive leaves without informing me.. maid was showing attitude and behaving arrogantly with me..I was quite exhausted and irritated and over worked and I scolded her..my MIL yelled at me ...inspite of the fact that I was not at fault and I had taken care of all household cleaning tasks in maid absence...
My DH also yelled at me and said I’m at fault...
Really it’s tough with such MILs who think ladies are maid servants of the house.

 

Dont say sorry..and see what they do ..I would say confront them.And no need to leave any of your kid while visiting ud parents..They are trying to sit on your head..

 

6 years, these issues do come initially first 2 years. hubby ego with wife parents . but after 2 kids, not nice on hubby.

mil will not change. she is banking on your spouse. you need to have a talk and talk does not mean just 1 day talk which ends up in a full blown fight. then you are hurted, he is hurted and confused (yep men are like that).

you would have to talk slow and step by step, explaining him, that you are his family. kids are . Mil and your parents are extended. focus needs to change in keeping the main family calm and peacefull. kids did not do any mistake , they need love from all. time with anyone your parents, his parents is gold. he needs to understand.

do not point any mistakes in mil, you might want to. but explain to him, this is just female nature. he should not come in between. some men cannot handle the high emotional tones from women and they become angry or scared and fight. he can leave the house , or go to another room and put music headset. point is he should not come no matter what. neither support you or her. ( i am sorry you might feel he should support you, but that would not happen for a long time) .

you have to not looking into winning this , it more of not adding more people in your fights. after some time MIL will back once she sees Husband is just neutral and not concerned

he can focus on kids and job and gym and career.

i went through this, long back. my mom helped me to handle quite diplomatically. . now my H, is super happy when my mom comes because she won't let him do anything at during 4 months of her stay and will scold me too if i ask him ( ) , MAPILAI.

 

Let me ask you a question. Why you think its OK to scold a maid? Why can't you convey your displeasure in a respectful way. Maids are also doing a respectable job. They also deserve respect. If you are not happy, let her go and get someone who follow instructions. You owe an apology to her.

Everyone deserves respect. Its our quality to give respect. Do you like if the maid scold you? Obviously you dont like it when MIL do the same. I dont think anyone with self respect like it.

Your MIL seems to have typical narcissistic characteristics. She is dominating, controlling and keep on giving silent treatment. If you want to deal with her empower yourself with knowledge. There are so many youtube videos ( Example -by Dr.Ramani or other experts). It will help you a lot i believe. So explaining will always backfire. Limit interactions with MIL and make it formal. If she do something good ( taking care of your kids is a great service) appreciate her for that. Dont share much.
If she finds fault with you , don't respond or explain, just give a blank look or simply smile or give an expression ' oh she is after me again' or stop doing what you were doing and leave the scene or do what you think is right. No words but only action.

Be intelligent enough to understand that you can't change MIL. She keeps on doing the same as long as your dh supports her. So change you response.

If you think not entering the kitchen while MIL or maid is there, help you, do that. You have so many other things to do. So be busy with that. Talk minimum to MIL and maid,only if necessary. Giving back silent treatment won't work all the time.

Visiting parents- here you have to take a strong decision. Tell your husband very clearly that they are your parents. He can't stop visiting them. He can't control you over this. Take both kids with you. If he dont want to come that's ok. Your parents have to see their daughter and grandkids. Be strong and firm on this even if it results in unpleasant situations. Slowly he gets the message. He controls because he know he can do that.

Do you need to apologize? Only you can decide. But talk in a cool way to husband. Ask him why he think you should apologize? Tell him you are ready to apologize if your MIL also apologize. Its not right to scold you infront of others including maids. If she has any disagreement, she has to convey it later. Its applicable to your dh too. Tell this clearly to him.

Or you can use this situation in a better way. Tell your dh that you will apologize only if he give you a promise that he will never come between you & MIL and take a neutral stand. Also he should not yell at you infront of others. Also, you will try your best not to engage in any argument with othes. Be firm that you won't apologize again if he supports either of you. Stop complaining about MIL to him. Also share good things about MIL.

But change the practice. Actually you are the one who created this system of apologizing. So they think its their right to receive it. You have to change it.

As there are good aspects, dont allow these issues to spoil your marriage. Look at MIL in a different angle. Now you know how she responds like a joker. Listen and leave it through the other ear. Then you will learn how not to take this to heart. Dont waste your energy over her.

Try to understand how your husband thinks-he is between the devil and the sea. Both of you are important to him. Where will he go? He has to stop supporting you both.

You have be smart to deal with them. Its not easy, but you can. Dont allow others to influence your peace of mind .

 

If you can win by apologizing, then it is best to apologize and get on with life. Even when you feel you had done nothing to merit the apology. Holding out and losing is not a good strategy.

The following from a business journal applies to all organizations -- including a family.
The 4 Types of Ineffective Apologies

When I was growing up, one of my favorite television shows was Happy Days, and my favorite character on that show was Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli — or “The Fonz” — who was the epitome of cool. He could tap a vending machine, and free sodas would appear. He could change music on a jukebox just by snapping his fingers.

He could seemingly do anything — well, except for one thing. He couldn’t admit he was wrong. He’d stammer, clench his fist. “I’m wrrrrr,” he’d say, literally unable to utter the words. From the perspective of the show, it was hilarious, but for anyone who struggles to apologize in real life, it can cause real conflict,
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Respect yourself. Don't ask apologies with anyone if you have not done any mistake.