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Husband and his female colleague..your thoughts pls!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lilflower, Aug 4, 2012.

  1. lilflower

    lilflower New IL'ite

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    Husband used to give a ride to his female colleague by car to work every day nearly 1 hour both sides, totally ignoring my requests during my pregnancy not to do so. She was also his team mate and she is also married.

    - During the very first days of their acquintance, he lied to me about a cigarette butt found in our car..He said it was just some other male colleague smoking in our car, but I then I found a bill in the that clearly states that the cigarette was bought by that girl. When I promptly showed him the proof, he accepted he had lied, saying he didn't know how I'd react when I learnt that the girl smokes. Now why the hell would I care if she smokes or not. What I was really really bothered about was why would he lie to me, his wife, to protect that female? I couldn't understand his logic behind his being dishonest to me at that time. That was when I vehemently began to protest that he stop giving her rides to work.
    - After she entered the scene, he began going to work very promptly, not getting late, never ever working from home, despite my requests that he work from home when I was very sick during my pregnancy. Before she came into the scene, he used to wfh every now and then.
    - He was totally at her beck and call throughout my pregnancy, going out of his way to help and support her with work related stuff. She even had no qualms calling him at odd hours in the night with work related questions.
    - They'd apparently talk talk talk during their car rides, and as a result, he was not in a mood or energy to talk to me after he is back home.
    - She would complain of many serious ailments and he would totally fall for it, one day she told him she's so depressed about her illness and wants to commit suicide. That day he came home in the evening very moody and simply curled up on the sofa lost in thoughts. Imagine what goes through a thoroughly tired pregnant woman when she sees her husband curled up on the couch, thinking about another woman's problems!!!!!
    - She would forget her leftover boxes in the car and the next day, he would wash the dirty smelly box for her though I protested so many times that he just return it as it is and not wash her box. This happened multiple times.
    - Occasionally, he would compare her with me: why don't you dress stylishly, you have no sense of style, why don't u wear heals or pumps, it'll give you an attractive walk, why don't you keep your hair long(!!!!!!!), why don't you apply eye make up? I would call him out on these questions and get really annoyed.
    - Couple of days before I went in labor, she gave him a task of creating a fun movie for another friend of hers, which he gracefully agreed to do, so he would sit at his laptop for hours figuring out how to do it, when I was heavily pregnant and needed him not only emotionally, but also needed his help with physical things like cleaning and cooking. I was nesting at that time, and needed the house to be cleaned for the baby, he would;t do so though I screamed and cried a lot.
    - When I was in labor pain, he was talking to her elaborately clarifying her work doubts.

    As a result of all these, we have fought every single day of my pregnancy over this girl, and I told him clearly that I am not comfortable with this sort of friendship, but he totally disrespected my feelings and acted as if I was over-possessive.

    - In the meantimeHe quit work and moved to another place. But still they kept calling multiple times a day to address her issues at office which are apparently beyond her. If not calling, they were frantically texting back and forth. He changed his phone password when I asked him to delete the messg app that he downloaded just for her. He doesn't text anyone else.
    - Slowly, he began to attend her calls secretly much after he quit the company, going out early in the mornings on the pretexts of exercise. How I found out was when a neighbor casually told me he always sees my hubby making phone calls at that time.
    - Finally after 9 months of extreme protests from my end, one day, out of the blue, he suddenly called that girl and told her that his wife disapproves the "emotional attachment" that he shares with her, and that I had a strong outburst etc (he didn't share that I was against his "friendship" right from the beginning). She said she can't understand why I would feel that way. (It was not my idea that he call that girl and tell that girl everything as is. I didn't expect him to be so tactless. I just wanted him to gradually stop this small friendship going on between them by making some excuses.) She acted as if she was shocked, stopped calling for a couple of days.
    - Things seemed to get better, but then dumb b**** is calling my husband again now, that too multiple times a day with "work related questions" even as late as 11.30 in the night. Of course my husband picks her call every single time. He says she is calling so frantically because she is totally lost and helpless at work and needs his help to get through the day's task. So he has to rescue the damsel in distress..

    I feel she is calling again despite knowing that I don't like it, just to spite me, or to trying to prove that my husband will still dance to her tune. I'm not sure if he initiates the calls, maybe he does!

    I am hurt and upset, and can't get over the fact that my own husband would do this to me. I still can't forget the deep emotional pain with which I went to sleep every single night during my pregnancy. When he clearly knew that I was upset, he could have respected my feelings, but he still went ahead catering to another woman.

    And yes, I do not trust my husband any more. I look at him now as a cheap object, somebody's dirty leftover. I can not forget the image of him curling up on the sofa thinking of her problems in life when a pregnant wife was patiently waiting for him back home. How can I respect him after this?? I can't get over this. I've lost the need to be in this relationship where there's no respect for my feelings. It's a bogus thing now for me, only for the sake of kids and society.

    Now, I know there;s no use but still I'd like to deliver a strong message to that girl to buzz off. Since she doesn't seem to "get it" even after my husband stated that I don't like their friendship, should I talk to her husband?

    I'm sure there's no affair going on. I wouldn't accuse her of anything, I'm sure she was only nicely using my husband (for car rides and sorting work issues) and she has no sort of feelings for my husband, but am sure my husband had a teeny-weeny interest and was enjoying her company and that's why he persisted despite knowing my stance.

    So I'd like to talk to her husband about all these because I feel there's no point talking either to her or my husband. At the cost of stirring a hornet's nest, I feel that talking to her husband will be as a sort of therapy for myself so that I can put all these drama behind me and move on. But I'm not really sure if that is a wise move. Am I just being revengeful? Any other tips so that I can get over this and heal the bruise in my soul?
     
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  2. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,


    @lilflower,


    what hornet's nest........!!!!!

    What are you living now....!!!!!

    Seriously what is more worst than wha you are experiencing right now??

    And what about your INlaws and parents???

    Whay havent they intervened till now???


    Lilflower if you are for your children in this relationship do you want your children to see and learn from a father who gives importance to other women that their mother........!!!!

    Maybe they are small now but soon they'll start understanding everything............

    I say call her husband, her inlaws and her parents and make it appear that it is an affair going on........


    Please collect call records of this number if it is postpaid.........

    If prepaid then it can be given by company or hire a detective to get it..............

    Cause if once you get call log both of them then cant deny an affair even if they are not having one.......


    Cause
    1. Nobody calls at night for work related purpose......

    2. When he left the company there is nothing for him and her to talk about.......

    Im just saying even if they are not having one but with a simple call log it will be apparent to all that they are......


    This has to stop..........

    What kind of husband is he...!!!!

    Be strong and tell your parents and inlaws.......

    This is going on deteriorating.........

    Put your foot down............

    There are somethings worth fighting for.....

    One of them is self respect......

    Take care
    chow.....
     
    9 people like this.
  3. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear,

    You really want to trust their only work related friendship related. there is no harm in trusting that. Many people have such relation with opposite sex. But open your eyes your husband has started lying you, it is effecting your married life in many ways. It will be more worse later on if it will not be solved now. Manage yourself well. Then handle issue directly with her. your husband knows it well he shouldnt be so attached with her let it be professionally. so no use telling him. You can call her directly and put some mind in her brain that you are not going to sit and watch. dont go on requesting her. Be strong. Think and do things only in your favour and be polite to your husband. when you are handling her before that you make sure you have stopped complaining your husband and you haven't argued him. Make you house atmosphere cool by keeping quite and acting cool. Then you handle this female. you mentiuoned she is married why not she can discuss office related issues with her husband???? Dont trust, dont avoid, dont work on your assumptions. You will never know when things will be out of your hand.

    tc
     
  4. insha

    insha Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Lilflower,

    Im an unmarried girl and been working..I have many colleagues who are married,which means I have to talk to them.But you know what,there is nothing so important in work that you call your colleague at night after office hours.What im trying to say is,in the pretext of work,they seem to be communicating.It just for the lady's interest in your husband that she is doing this.And your husband seems to respond.Please stop thinking its just that the lady is using your husband.I believe its high time you act upon this.
     
  5. vvvvvv

    vvvvvv Silver IL'ite

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    Tell your husband about your feeling right now. Also tell him that if he does not put an end to this drama your next step would be to inform both side parents and her husband. Whatever excuse he says be firm. I always have a feeling that EMI starts with these crap like too much time together with other person.
     
  6. rosemary12

    rosemary12 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    What do you mean by there is no affair going on??? If you think only physical relationship is an affair, you are wrong. What your H is doing is cheating. He lied to you, and in spite of your pregnancy, he was continuing his emotional attachment with another lady.

    Regarding you talking to her or her H, I don't think it would be of much use. But informing her H is a must. He needs to know what is going on behind his back. You also need to talk to your H. This can stop only if your H wishes to. I really don't have much advice to give, as you can't really force someone to be loyal and committed to you. But you need to put your foot down and tell how wrong it is.

    Next time he compares her with you, you do the same. Compare him with other men. Some men need the bitter taste of their own medicine to understand how much pain they are causing others. I sincerely hope you come out of this mess soon. Please be strong and confront your H. ATB!!!
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2012
  7. nii

    nii Silver IL'ite

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    if she is still calling after your husband has left the job and cant even give her pick and kick service. then that means she is falling for your husband.
    you should start crying when your husband comes home. crocodile tears.
    cry and say that you are lonely and all that you wrote above. tell him that he his hurting you deep down inside because of his relationship with that girl. tell him that u will separate from him if he doesnt stop this with that women.. let us know what happens :( good luck
     
  8. getstrngth

    getstrngth Gold IL'ite

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    II was talking to my mother. She had a different prespective. She was asking why is he hiding things when there is nothing between. Why does she has to hide things from her family too? Guess the best thing to do now is talk to your ILs. Track his phone calls emails and get more proof to have people support you.
     
  9. GaythriV

    GaythriV Platinum IL'ite

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    If yours is an arranged marriage it is high time you bring this to the notice of the elders of your family. As you are pregnant you would get the moral support of them and I believe he too has got that moral fear in him otherwise he wont be quitting the job. You can easily mould him with the help of your elders.

    Please stay cool and calm, so that it does not affect the child in you womb which is the next phase of your life. So be very careful and take care, as you can see many Ilites in our IL world itself suffering without issues and yearning for one.
     
  10. kylie

    kylie Gold IL'ite

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    dear lilflower,

    As most previous posters, I too believe that your husband is cheating on you. This same episode happened with a friend of mine and today she is just staying with him for the sake of her child. Travelling together, late night calls, comparing another woman to your wife, keeping in touch even after leaving the organization etc are all red flags.

    When the man likes to spend more time with another woman or enjoys her company more than his wife's - its a recipe for disaster.Talking with her husband will not help. Most of the times in cases like this, the other woman would either be living separately or will already be having a strained relationship with her husband. No man would allow his wife to travel with a male colleague daily or allow late night phone conversations.

    If you talk to your parents or inlaws - what is the maximum they can do ? At max they can just talk to him, reprimand him, tell him to stop his irresponsible behaviour, remind him that he has a wife n kid - do you think this will make him mend his ways ? Most probably not. You know your husband - do you think after you complain to his parents, he will come closer to you or distance himself and become completely disconnected ?

    As regards your husband calling her up and telling her that his wife is having an "emotional outburst" and so she should stop calling him - it is nothing but a charade. A guy doesnt need to tell the other woman that he wants to discontinue the relationship because of his WIFE instead he should have told her that HE WAS NOT INTERESTEd ANYMORE.

    You just need to be strong and presently think only about your baby. My post may seem very negative but I have seen my friend trying all the above measures and not succeeding. The best would be to have a long chat with your husband. This time instead of asking him to STOP, ask him what he WANTS - continuing his relationship/friendship with a married woman or enjoying a happy married life with his wife and being a good father to his kid. I hope thinking about you and his kid, he will be man enough to give an honest answer.

    All the best sweetie. Hope you are able to tackle this problem and come out victorious.

    love,
    kylie
     
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