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Hurt, Should I Ignore?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by paru123, May 5, 2022.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    My hubby's elder brothers daughters , girl seeing function for marriage happened just 4 days back. Engagement is about to be fixed in a day or two. They r three brothers and families are in different states in India. The love amongst brothers is thick like jam and they usually dont give much importance to ladies in their family. Now my hubby lives out of India and visits us once a year. Whenever we meet with the brothers family (once a year,or once in 2 years) , the love and affection displayed is highly commendable. Even my kid is treated with lots of love and showered with lots of gifts, dresses and what not. But after my hus boards the flight, it is just one or two phone calls ,video calls in a year wishing on Birthdays etc only, no simple hi bye calls other than this. My communication with my hus is also very less as he has odd working hours and shift duties. So his sleep gets effected and he is a man of few words. He has nothing much to share but whatever I say about my Foo is bluntly passed onto his Foo. So I am also careful not to speak much other than my kid's news to him.

    Now coming to the topic, I was not informed about the girl seeing function and the consequent 2 functions that happened after that. Only after it was kind of fixed, my co sis called to tell about it. She send me pics upon my asking and I see that so many relatives from the extended family around 10 to 12 had gone to the boys house. They are from my father in laws brother' family, one relation above our relation. Similarly some were my co sis uncles and aunts. I am hurt that she didnt bother to inform me or my hus. And she started talking on the phone as I was all aware. They had only informed my hus about the first day girl seeing function, nothing about the other days. My co sis is a very clever lady. The other brother and his family were kept in the loop of all happenings.

    I too wish good for my neice but is it not their responsibility to inform me. I cannot go and join them at such short notice but still shouldn't I be told about it in advance. I know they would all be busy in calling all the secondary people who were then primary people for the function, but still technology is so advanced , she could have atleast dropped one liner in WhatsApp.

    I feel so much hurt by their omission that I dont really see any truth in their relation to us. Though there is not so frequent communication, they are all close to my heart and such neglects hard to accept.

    Should I ignore this insult or should I tell her that next time inform me of any such thing happening?
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    In some families women are valued only when husband is present otherwise she is seen as outsider.
    I don't see anything to get offended. It is personal preference when and what people want to share. There is no
    hard and fast rule. Accept the reality and find a way to build your own family circle.
    I remember during my engagement my mom informed only certain relatives and invited them for pre-engagement rituals.
    I asked my mom the same question and she said some people are more work and she needs help hence only invite people who are willing to give her helping hand .Some people just show up to complain or gossip. I'm not saying you are doing that . I'm just saying people are invited to these functions based on their relationship with the lady running the show. If she is close you can ask her if not then ignore and move on. Considering you are in long distance relationship with husband focus on building bond with him. That is more important than these being part of these rituals. He is your family.
     
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Just ignore them. They are extended family. If they invite you for the wedding, attend it.
    Why don't you live with your husband at his country?
    Focus on building your bond with him.
    Do you have kids?
     
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  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @paru123, relationships are a two-way street. Since your DH is away, you should make an effort to be a part of the family. Don't sit around waiting for your in-laws to include you and feel hurt when they don't. Start today. Call and wish your niece well, offer help in whatever way you can.

    In general, if you don't make an effort, people assume you are not interested. Expecting people to send you invitations that you decline is unrealistic. If you want to be part of your DH's family, let them know by initiating calls and staying in touch.

    Relationships are a lot of work. You need to decide if the effort is worthwhile for you. If you decide your in-laws are not worth your time, don't get hurt and resentful when they accept your decision.
    .
     
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  5. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Could be that I was giving them way too much importance than they actually deserve and so the hurt.
     
  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    My husband is the spoilsport here. He is not good in keeping any relationships. On top of that he values relation with his brothers more important than that with his wife.
     
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  7. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Your reply makes sense with any normal family where men and women are treated equally. Here though internally , the elder 2 brothers rely and discuss with their wives everything, on the outside they both show that it is their decision and ladies need not speak or give opinions. My DH is naive and he doesnt understand the inner dynamics of the brothers family and he thinks that is how ladies are to be treated in general. The more I try to explain him, the farther he goes away from me.

    I have always wanted all the relationships but when ladies in general , their opinions are disregarded and disrespected in the family, it is not worth pursuing. It becomes a one way street.
     
  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    This is the problem of your life. Focus on it.
    How can you become more important?
    You living away from your husband is a major barrier. If it's for financial reasons, I don't know what to say.
    If it's something else, please try to live with him in his country of residence.
    Still it will take a long time to change him.
    Your consisters making their husband's change would have taken lots of work. But they live with their husband's.
     
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  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    It's not worth pursuing.
    You have to improve relations with your husband. Marriage is not a master slave relationship. Where the husband orders, and wife follows.
    It's a equal partnership irrespective of who earns more money.
     
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