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Humour

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by mathangikkumar, Dec 4, 2013.

  1. mathangikkumar

    mathangikkumar Platinum IL'ite

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    -- A man and his wife divorce amicably. He wants to date again, so he starts by looking up the ‘personal’ column of the local newspaper. He circles three that seem possible in terms of age and interest, but puts off calling them.

    Two days later, his ex-wife messages: “I came over to the house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don’t call the one in the second column, it’s me.”
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.
    On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.

    Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!

    After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

    And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

    The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

    The Japanese exclaimed, "What?? Why is it so expensive for a shorter distance?"

    There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST!!!!!
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


    ,,In a locality one person, pride and disliked by all stood for election. While counting he had only one vote and not two ( One from his wife). With new voting machine vote cannot go invalid also

    He came to house and asked his wife how could her vote miss?

    She coolly replied- Election rules do not specify wife has to vote for her husband. I heard it recently in a comedy program also.

    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

    - I want my husband to have eyes only for me.

    - I want to be the only one in his life.

    - I want him to sleep always by my side.

    - I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

    The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!!!
     
  2. mathangikkumar

    mathangikkumar Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Humour:The Guy's Rules:

    Santa:
    Doctor ke paas gaya aur bola ghar jaane ki kitne fees lete hain aap??

    Doctor: 300 rupees.
    Santa: Theek hai doctor ji, chaliye phir.
    Doctor ne apna bag liya, bike nikali aur Santa ko le kar Santa ke ghar pahunch gaye.................................................................................


    Good One
    Interviewer: Why should I appoint you Operation Manager
    for this factory?

    Candidate: Sir, in my childhood, my grandmother was murdered by our servant (who taught me playing football) and I was angry at this.

    Later, my father broke his leg in an
    accident. I became more angry. So, please give me this
    job.

    Interviewer: ...Are you nuts??! How can you ask for a
    manager's job just on the basis of your grandmother and
    father's sufferings?

    Candidate: Sir, if some people can ask for PM's post for same reasons, can't I ask for manager's job. You must be
    from the opposition if you don't buy this logic... huh!!

     
  3. mathangikkumar

    mathangikkumar Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Humour:The Guy's Rules:

    Santa comes home from his doctornnand, though usually quite active with his children, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day.
    His wife notices that Santa avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.
    Immediately Santa whisks his medicine prescription out of his pocket and hands it to the wife & said, "Read that label. That's why!"
    Wife takes the bottle and reads, "Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN." ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Do you have color TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please.",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    Santa :
    Can I know my mobile bill, please?
    Call center girl : Sir,just dial *123# to know your current bill status.
    Santa : (He got angry and..)You stupid...
    Call center girl : Sir,I'm sorry, anything wrong?
    Santa : I'm not asking my current bill.I'm asking my mobile bill..
    Don't be a fool. Be wise like me.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Santa went to London for official matter and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
    Santa: Who is speaking?
    Servant : Servant Sir.
    Santa: Where is the Madam?
    Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
    Santa: What? I am her husband came to London today.
    Servant: What can I do now sir?
    Santa: Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.
    After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...

    Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?

    Santa: Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
    Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
    Santa: What...? No swimming pool?
    Servant: Yes Sir
    Santa: Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Santa came home earlier than usual, when his wife, Jeeto's lover was still in the
    apartment. She hid her lover in a closet, and served dinner. As they ate, something rustled in the closet .
    "What's that?" Santa husband asked.
    "Nothing, darling. Just jackets."
    After a while, they again heard some noise in the closet.
    "What the hell is that?"
    "I'm telling you, just jackets."
    A few minutes later, the noise sounded once more.
    "I'll check it," Santa said. "You'll regret it if it's not
    jackets."
    Santa yanked the closet's door open. Inside, he saw a man who held a pistol.
    Santa quietly closed the door, and said, "Indeed, jackets, darling
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Santa was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
    The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
    Santa stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
    'From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my wordis law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And whenI'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ....'
    'The funeral director,' said his wife.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Banta called his friend, Santa, and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
    Santa said, "Send her some flowers, and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal." a, so he invited the woman.The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal. Banta liked the id e Banta, "It was a flop idea."Santa, "Didn't the girl come to your house?"
    Banta, "She did, but she refused to cook.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    There were 4 Sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer. The Sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but no boby turned up. WHY? Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."
    ..........................................
    After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 Sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their Garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage. WHY? B'cos their garage was on the first floor
    .......................................
    After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY? B'cos all the four Sardars were sitting in the taxi.,,,
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    All the 4 Sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldn't move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldn't budge.WHY?B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
    ...................................
    2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
    Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
    sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why
    are you removing a wheel from your auto.
    sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
    .....................................................
    Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave
    Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
    ...........................................
    Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
    computer.
    Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
    Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our
    engagement day will you give me a ring.
    Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
    ............................................
    Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any
    one before you die?
    Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
    ......................................
    How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
    Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
    Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
    Santa: I'm falling in love.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
    Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
    Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
    ....................................................
    At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
    Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
    ......................................

    Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got
    irritated...
    drank poison & said,
    Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
    .......................................
    Banta: U cheated me.
    Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
    Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
    India Radio!
    .............................................

    NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE :

    In an interview,
    Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
    Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
    Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
    Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
    ..........................................
    Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
    Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
    Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
    Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
    ..............................................

    A smart student
    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    Sardar student : Because of the sign.
    TEACHER : What sign?
    Sardar student : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    .........................................

    TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
    Sardar student : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
    TEACHER : What are you talking about?
    Sardar student : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
    ...............................................
    TEACHER : go to the map and find North America.
    Sardar student : Here it is!
    TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
    CLASS : Sardar !
    ..............................................

    TEACHER : name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    Sardar student : Me!
    ................................................
    TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
    Sardar student : Don't bite any.
    ...........................................................
    TEACHER : Kittu, give me a sentence starting with "I".
    Sardar student : I is...
    TEACHER : No,. Always say, "I am."
    Sardar student : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
    .....................................................
    TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
    Sardar student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
    ..........................................................
    TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
    Sardar student : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
    ................................................................
    TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
    Sardar student : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
    ..............................................
    TEACHER : Now, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
    Sardar student : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
    ...................................................

    TEACHER : your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    KITTU : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
    ...........................................................

    TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    Sardar student : A teacher
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Sardar tells a girl "Come to my house at nite, nobody will be thereGirl goes at night & really nobody was there. ...................................
    A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and suffered huge loss. Do u know what the business was? He opened a Saloon in Punjab!..
    ....................................................
    A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her!...
    ..............................................................
    Sardar: Why are all these people running?Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.Sardar: If only the winner will get the cup, why others are running?....
    ..............................................
    Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin. Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater. Again twins & named Max & Climax. Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!....
    .........................................................
    19 sardars went for a film. On asking them why they came in a b ig group of 19, they replied that the film is only for above 18+... .............................................................
    A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeralfunction. Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why?He said "SMILE PLEASE"..
    . ......................................................
    . Teacher:"I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail". ..................................................
    Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.......WHY?Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light". ...............................................................
    Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote: Yes! ..
    .....................................
    Sardar and his family went for a party. He introduces himself - I'm sardar, she sardarnee, the boy my kid & the girl my kidney.... ..................................
    One sardarji Professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking..
    ......................................................
    Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plantsServant: It's already raining.Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go
    ...................................................
    "Santa! Your daughter has died!"Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor.At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!At 25th floor: I'm unmarried!At 10th floor: I'm Banta not Santa
    ........................................................
    A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was laughing.A bystander: why are u laughing?Sardar: I have an Aitel phone but still Hutch network is following me..
    .................................................
    Sardar wins 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crore after deducting tax.Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 crore or else return my 20 Rs back.!..
    .....................................................................
    A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricketmatch. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"..
    .....................................................................
    Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.Sardar:- Why did u come so far? Instead u could have posted it..
    .. .............................................................
    What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes..
    ...............................................................................
    Why can't sardars dial nine-eleven (911) at emergency?Becoz, they can't find the eleven on the phone..
    .............................................
    A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.Judge asked: How'll you divide, you've 3 children?Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply next year.
    ..........................................................
    Sardar's wish: When i die, i wanna to die like my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving...
    . ...................................................................
    Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!.
    ...................................
    Sardar was writing something very slowly.Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast....
    ..........................................
    . Flash news: A two seater plane crashed in a Graveyard in Punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 ! bodies and are still digging for more...
    .................................................................
    . A man asked Sardarji: Why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.Sardarji replied: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''....
    ....................................................
    Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospitalMan says: "Chin Yu Yan" and dies.Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friends last words.It is "you're standing on the oxygen tube!....
    ...................................................
    .Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji.

    Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box.

    He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tomorrow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die".

    Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says " If I find fish in my lunch box tomorrow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die "

    Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says " Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tomorrow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor "

    Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

    The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

    Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

    In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues, the Mallu's widow says " I did not know he hated idlis so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch "

    The Bengali's widow says " I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

    The sardarji's widow says " I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch....!!!

    ...............................
    Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 maale se gir gaya tha
    Banta: toh fir bach gaya ya mar gaya ?
    Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai.

    ..................................
     
  4. Psg13

    Psg13 New IL'ite

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    Haha good jokes !!!!
     

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