Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Parry22, Feb 16, 2021.
Can any one provide serious advice on how to deal with a humiliating night life?
Sorry if this post is a li'l too graphic but i am trying to find a solution to a genuine problem.
My husband has ED issues, triggered due to anxiety, childhood (controlling mother), work stress, and due to the fact that he is not attracted to me due to my behaviour (i do not spend nice time with my in-laws even though we all stay together, and that i spend too much time time in my room).
He is stressed due to ED as we are TTC. But he is not able to perform, for which he came up with the following solutions :
1. Bought a toy to stimulate me , so that seeing me, he will get aroused
2. Bought virtual reality goggles to watch X videos so that he gets aroused
3. We went to a doctor, he gave some viagra-like medicine
4. Pleasures himself while i am asked to wear an eye mask and listen to music
5. Goes to the other room to pleasure himself then comes to the bed room
In the above solutions, he asks me to wear an eye mask and/or listen to music , while he tries to arouse himself. He fails and then comes back to bed disappointed. Even though i know he is trying. Am i supposed to feel humiliated because i am just lying there, while he does his job in the other end of the room.
This has been a problem for all 4 years of our married life. We have never had a satisfactory night life.
When i try and pleasure him, he does not like me touching him - more over he does not get aroused if i touch him.
Can any one provide any solutions on how to deal with this ?
You don’t need to feel humiliated as problem is not with you.
Maybe you can try,start something from your side.
Having a relaxed environment also helps.
He has issues means..you guys should consult a doctor.
That would help you a lot.
@Parry22 have you tried to get away from IL on a short vacation, the environment change might help.
Yes we go on vacations every 6 months or so. It hasn't helped with intimacy.
Like i mentioned, he doesn't like it if i touch him or try to arouse him. He feels v v uncomfortable.We have consulted a doctor who has prescribed meds (viagra like) , but they don't help as well. Husbands doesn't take them frequently due to fear of side effects.
Counseling might help..there are good psychologists to remove the fear.
Some living with the in-laws setups could qualify as a form of natural birth control.
Either you find it humiliating or you don't. There is no "supposed to" about it. The question in such issues is rather "how humiliating" does it feel. Not at all, somewhat, totally.
The problem is multi-faceted and the possible solutions. I guess a nuclear family arrangement is ruled out and you already have explored medical help such as fertility specialists and psychological counseling. Also, looks like for now you are not looking into the more primary question of 'should you bring a child into such a marriage.' The focus right now is the 'humiliation' at the 'steps' in the 'process.'
Should you feel humiliated? You might. You may. Most people dealing with infertility go through a whole range of feelings. No two people, not even the man and wife themselves, react to infertility's challenges in the same way.
If other things were mostly alright in the marriage, this would be a problem you deal with together. On good days, you'd even manage to see a little humor in it. One can only laugh when watching the red digits of the clock in the dark to see how much longer one has to remain lying down and elevated to help the little swimmers defy gravity.
If having a baby means a lot to you, I would suggest you reflect more on the "Even though I know he is trying." The mental stress of "trying" can be similar for men and women, but the physical aspect varies due to the difference in infrastructure. Don't give him brownie points for 'he is trying', instead just appreciate and count it as one less problem. Acknowledge it to him if that would help overall.
To deal with any humiliation you feel, you can try reading what other couples go through. Helps to know others are as miserable or more. There are no fifty shades of humiliation, but generally speaking, a woman would feel more humiliated if the man is independently doing things while she is simply lying there with eyes and ears closed. The eye mask and music to block the sounds might be to lessen the humiliation but ends up making her feel more helpless. Ideally (!), unless creating a sample to take to the doctor's office for an IUI, the man and woman should try to do things together. Watching a good quality (sigh) soft-p*orn movie might be an option worth exploring.
The problems seem to lie here. Talk to him and ask why he doesn't like.
Is he angry with you for something else?
Do you really believe that you can change your husband?