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Hugging Opposite Sex Friends

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by senorita2019, Aug 1, 2022.

  1. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    I am dating a guy seriously and he is my close friend and we are planning marriage next year.

    we have great compatibility and love each other a lot.

    but he seems to hug opposite gender friends and cousins a lot which is kinda annoying but also i feel its so immature to bring it up. But my childish mind is possessive

    where do u guys draw with line with this type of action and how you deal with your possessive feelings ???

    he doesnt care if i hug my opposite gender friends, he is quite thick skinned and immune to these feelings. So i feel bad arguing abt it but also cant stop this irritating feeling

    Pls let know your inputs
    Helppppp
     
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  2. curlytweethere

    curlytweethere Platinum IL'ite

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    It might seem silly but it is better you bring this up and let him know how you feel. If he really cares for you he will consider your request and might reduce it till the time you feel comfortable. In a relationship it should be equal effort on both sides. You make an effort and understand that he has no wrong intentions while hugging someone of opposite sex and he has to make an effort to make you feel comfortable
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Does he also hug his male friends and male cousins ? Some people are huggers....that is how they greet people.If he is okay with you doing the same,then he appears to be a genuine huggers.

    The kind of hug also differ. Bear hug, cuddle hug , side hug , jaddu ki jhappi hug.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    There is no point in bottling up your emotions. Looks like he is a genuine hugger as he dont mind if you do the same. I rememeber my friend saying the same about her husband.
    Convey to him- you ( use 'I') really appreciate his approach, but looks like you are possessive and you feel uncomfortable when he hug other females. Once you convey, its out of your mind, but dont blame him or argue, convey like its your problem. Its up to him to decide how to proceed. Its better not to control him, if he decides continue it. If you feel its genuine, let him be himself . When we force anyone, they may hide it from us and do what they like in our absence.
     
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  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    These days hugs with the opposite gender are so common.Just a general display of affection.
    If he seems to hug everyone including males it does not any wrong. Anyways jsut check with him casually
     
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  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:In soaps i find every other person on dais under some pretext or other die to hug the protogonist irrespective of gender. Some fans of protagonist are unhappy.

    When my male friend as invitee was hugged by the just returned from usa bride, i watched the indian-groom face turned glum. The brides american parents took it normally whereas the parents of indian boy grimaced.

    My friends accomplished daughter just landed from cal, saw me nearly after a decade in Chennai behind wedding reception hall. She was attired in american corporate office formal dress as illustrated below *:


    She hugged me in presence of many of my family and members of extended family. From their facial expression i could make out they did not like this act.
    But for her it was a force of habit acquired after many years residing in US.
    But then it is also said “when you are in Rome .......”
    When spouse doesn’t like it or approve of, it is better the partner informed.
     

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    Last edited: Aug 1, 2022
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  7. maalti

    maalti Finest Post Winner

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    You can discuss this issue with him. You can tell him what you feel.
    However, if he behaves the same way with his male friends, it is his just his habit and there is nothing to worry.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I do not think hugging an opposite gender person is wrong. It is more of cultural acceptance than moral matter.
    Like yellow mango explained, see whether he hugs men, and elderly/kids of different gender? If so, he might be doing it out of practice with genuine intentions. I think, in this case you should let go of this.
    I do hug men or women across all ages as part of greetings, especially if I meet them after a while/gap. I do this with people who are very close to my heart.
    Some colleagues at work, and in most of my friends do this. We do the same at family level too. I never felt offended or insecure when my H does the same.

    However, there are men who does this with a hidden motive. The way they hug shows. More than others, the one who receive the hug can feel it.
    They use this public display of affection to their advantage to enjoy sexual satisfaction. Such men or women for that matter hug only selective people of opposite gender/of gender attraction.
    You know your man well.... So, don't complicate this matter
     
  9. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Gold IL'ite

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    i choose to think that it’s not just the act, it’s the intent behind the act. He might be a genuine hugger who prefers to give and receive hugs. Honestly I would not even talk to him about it cause I feel like if that’s soemthing he has been doing all this time, suddenly you telling him that you do not like it may make him think twice the next time you are around. I would prefer if he can be himself. BUT you can always tell him that’s it’s different for you based on what you have seen, grown up with. Like let him know that seeing this culture is different for you but not make it seem like you have an issue with it (I’m sure you don’t). And of course like the rest said, as long as he does this to most people he knows and he’s not selective of hugging only a certain group of people. And as long as the hug is a warm hug. You can sense the vibes from him as well as the person he’s hugging.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The thread title says "opposite sex friends" but in the post it is "opposite gender friends" : ) there's a difference between the two terms ... or maybe not.. : )

    First off, don't scold yourself or be apologetic about your feelings. You don't have to think of these as immature, childish, possessive, arguing and he as "thick skinned, immune." These thoughts or feelings by themselves are fine. It is how you act upon those that will be childish, immature or adult.

    Second, if one finds something acceptable or objectionable, the partner need not think the same.

    The man may not mind the woman helping her brother with his tie before an interview. The woman may mind the man helping his younger sister with the saree pleats/pallu. : ) The woman may not mind the man asking his mother for a recipe. The man may mind the woman taking financial advice from her father after marriage. : )

    OP, like suggested in an earlier post, you can bring it up in a tactful manner. Don't blame him, and more importantly don't overdo the self-disparagement either. Rather than make it a discussion about the hugging only, it can be about how you two can bring up such issues and have a (mostly) calm discussion about it.

    "You know... something has been bothering me ... more than the actual botheration, I was thinking about whether to bring it up, how to bring it up, is it worth it.. " Tweak the discussion so it is not solely about the hugging.
     

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