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Huge Fight With Dh...things Are Not Going Well

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Jan 17, 2017.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    hi ladies,you all know I have been searching for a job and I got one but due to certain reasons not able to take 8-5.few other restrictions but anyways..
    I have been frantically searching for a job and not getting any now.Recently went to a cousins place and I was obviously left out and my other relatives were discussing about jobs and how they earn and I was silent.The only thing my cousin spoke to me was " do you want chutney for the idly"..things like that.I felt so very low.To add to it, one of my hubbys friend's wife told something low about being a SAHM and it started to depress me.

    I started looking for a job but now not getting any.plus I have been neglecting my LO and all of a sudden dh noticed kiddo is losing discipline which I agree is true.

    He is very mad that my home looks a mess and kid is being arrogant.He feels he is earning very well and he is not at all interested in me working.He wants me to take care of family as his job timings are crazy and he can't which is again true.He leaves around 6 and comes back by 9 sometimes even 10.

    He says that my life should not always be priority and it's ok not to work but kid comes first.He feels like I should pave way and a good way for our child's future and not worry about whether am going to be a bigshot as no one cares.However,it hurts when i feel like am a loser coz am at home.

    I have to admit he treats me like a queen and does not question about finance.Life was going smooth but I feel terrible when my relatives,friends and people question my SAHM status and keeps haunting.It takes a toll on my health.

    Huge fight broke out sometime
    Back(he is working from home today).the house is crazy mess,he says I am neglectingmy health,eating junk all the time and not healthy /put on weight (true as I was a fitness freak) ,sleeping very late like becoming insomniac and kid is being arrogant..yes yes yes agreed.

    I feel so very low coz of his job thing.feel like a curse being a SAHM.Not that I don't like it but I hate to be taunted always and people talking as though we are useless.i lost interest in everything in life and marital life is horrible.i don't even get up from my bed nowadays and my husband is so angry.I feel my perfect life is screwed coz of working /SAHM thing.Iam trying hard to find one and I know it takes time but honestly
    Feeling so desperate.

    How do I avoid getting into depression
     
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  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you need help. I am telling this in the most constructive way.
    Keeping the house clean with a child running around is not going to be possible. We need to set that expectation straight. How messy is messy? Is it really that bad or does it really look like a home where a kid lives?

    Let's address this one by one:

    1. Cleaning
    2. Disciplining the kid
    3. Fitness
    4. Working on rebuilding the relationship
    5. Getting you out of the Jammies and out of bed.

    It's going to be very hard on the child if you start working now, if he doesn't agree to cut down on his hours.

    Prioritize and tell me which is more important to you abd we will start working on that first. Once we get a grip, we will start another one.

    I am here for you. You will get through this. Hugs.
     
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The grass is always greener on the other side, no? I would love to take a break and stay home but I have to work alongside my DH to keep our household running.
    In most families where one spouse has a very intense career, I have seen the other taking a backseat to keep the house running well. If your main motivation in working outside is because of what people think then you should examine that. Why do you allow others' comments to affect you so much? It would be one thing if your DH was on your case to find a job but if it is someone outside I would not care.
    You should discuss expectations with your husband. How clean does the house need to be? And what is his idea of discipline? If you can afford it get weekly cleaners to come in.
    Also think of the pros and cons of your getting a job at this stage, with respect to the smooth running of your family life.
     
  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Anika,First work on your mind. Who are these 'friends' to judge how respectable a SAHM is? You are letting a bunch of nobodies make you feel small. People who said it would not have even given it a second thought! And here you are -ruining your relationship with your H and making everyone miserable at your home. You were hurt when they said cr@p about SAHM because that is how YOU feel about yourself. Bitter pill to swallow, but take a deep breath and analyze.

    I get, you want to work. You agree with all the things that your H pointed out. I also feel, you realize it is going to be so difficult with your H working crazy hours (btw, that is not good for his health, but that is another topic). However, here is the issue - YOU are unwilling to accept that what you want, the way you want it, may not be feasible, at least, right now. Once you accept that, find other ways to keep yourself occupied. Can you find work from home? Can you teach, like, private tuitions? May be start taking courses that will help you find a job, when you can work. These are just random suggestions to get you to think outside the box. Sometimes we fixate on something and it completely blinds us to other opportunities.

    Rakhii has listed out some areas of concern and I will say choose Exercise as the FIRST to be set right. The rest will follow. Start small - 15 minutes everyday for a week, then 30 minutes. It is to get you going. Once you fit that in your routine, you will feel like you accomplished something. From here on, tackle the next area that you feel is important. Take small steps and build on it. Find excellent tips on cleaning and time management here -
    Time management - cooking, cleaning, and exercise

    I don't have much to say on disciplining kid, but I m sure once you get rid of this outside clutter, you will be capable of dealing with that too.
     
  5. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    well..clean in sense..he does not even expect a clean house..how do i say?he hates me lying on bed all days and expect me to do some work around the house and keep busy.

    Discipline in sense my kid used to listen and clean up and these days he is throwing toys and I don't care..hmm yeah.I used to have a nice routine in the evening.read a book,give hot food ,change clothes,brush teeth,some yoga and slokas and now nothing.

    Hubby says I have let go.yes I did.

    I am not even going to any day blame dh coz he is a great guy.I have to admit
    It and I don't want to lie.

    "My body wants to work but my mind stops me".

    Every time I wash dishes I feel.."I am wasting my life doing this wherein I could be earning a lot and gain respect from others".

    I hate to be disrespected and left out in getogethers by relatives coz am not working.

    Sometime back my family life was lovely with my dh being awesome
    Giving me all the freedom in the world and blessed with a lovely child.I was gunning,keeping fit having a lovely home and was having a simple life.

    Now I have gained few pounds,ate three bars of Hershey today as breakfast and lunch and did not do dishes and was sending resumes like a full time job like 9-3 like crazy

    I know this is wrong but the moment I hold a vacuum cleaner or do dishes I feel so low.I feel like am Capable of earning well like other working women and keep cursing myself as to why I chose to not work.

    I honestly am happier at home but hate it when am always disregarded.

    The other day at the family party my aunt told my cousin if she brought a Tory burch bag and I got Excited coz I love Tory burch and I told" Even I would love to buy".For that she retorted "why you need it?you are a SAHM".

    My cousin who used to be nice somehow felt she treated me differently.She was talking about work,fashion,outings etc with my aunt and with me only about if I want idli or chutney.If I join in their conversation and talk she acts as though she did not hear.

    Anyways I wish I can let go and start again.Its been three weeks since I have been to gym and no wonder am
    Not even able fit in my new jean
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2017
  6. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Sorry not gunning.i meant gymmming.typo
     
  7. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Why do you let other's opinion impact you? It's not worth to keep relationship with anyone that doesn't respect you. Just stay away from that group.

    You have a nice family. Focus on the family. There is nothing wrong with cleaning or vacuuming. Just stop looking for a job for a while. Focus on yourself, your health, exercise, etc. Don't focus about money. The time with your son is more valuable and will not come back. Reading a book with him, helping him develop good habits are also valuable for him and he needs them and it is your responsibility to provide them. Money you can earn later as well but you can't get this time with your son later.

    On the side, may be take a couple of hours to learn new skills by doing some online courses. Coursera is a good site for learning new skills. Doing this will also help you identify your interests and also help you to eventually get a good job.
     
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  8. vinodsinha

    vinodsinha Bronze IL'ite

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    He treats you like a queen, As an unit your family does not need any financial support direly from your (future) earnings. But, your SAHM status haunts you, NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN CONVICTION, but due to what your relatives think and talk about you !

    Designing our attitude and desire, according to what the relatives think and talk about ourselves, is something , not a mature individual would profess to.

    Think about it.
     
    sindmani and anika987 like this.
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    "Don't focus about money" is golden advice, but, finally it is about money. If there are any niggling feelings of inferiority, unless a person starts making some money of/on her own, those will not go away. If the person happens to be satisfied with life and has no niggling feelings, then great, if not, no amount of pep talk etc will help.
     
  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    If you feel that you need to work again and has had enough of being a SAHM,that is fine.But to do that,there are certain things that needs to be organized. Here are a few pointers to help you.
    1.Don't neglect your kid.He doesn't know that your priorities have changed and expects the same attention from you.The rebellions and tantrums are to seek attention.Put him in a full day daycare or send him to a preschool for a few hours and schedule all your job search and interviews within that time.Say send him from 9-3 and do not do any other work other than doing job search.By this way,he would have got accostomed to a routine even if you go to work
    2.After he comes back from school,focus only on being with him and other household work.Do not let your job search spill over after he comes back from school.
    3.If you are very much particular about going back to work ASAP,then do not have so many constraints like location,timing,distance etc.Relax a few constraints and try.
    4.Whether you are a SAHM or employed,make sure to keep your house clean and cook healthy food for your family,as cleanliness brings a lot of positive energy into the household.

    Organise your life,discuss with your husband.Check what would the kid do if you are also late from work,discuss who would drop the kid in daycare and who would pick him up and help with his studies,who would take care of him when he falls sick etc.

    Iam also a SAHM,i have worked for nearly a decade and then took break after my first kid was born.Till now i have not returned back to work and i don't feel bad about it.I will definitely return back to work,once my kids are grown up a little more.For now,i have household duties to do and iam not ashamed of it.
     

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