1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Huge Fight :immediate Solution Needed

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Nov 30, 2017.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    188
    Likes Received:
    79
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    hello ladies ,
    I had to deal with some big problems here. Please advice and remember my husband is very good with words and it’s very difficult to engage with him in a conversation that he does not understand there are huge fights then
    1. Yesterday we were doing some phone set ups and I took his phone to google something and I could immediately sense that he’s making sure that I’m not reading his messages

    Of course I took his phone and took a look at his WhatsApp..conversation with his sister that he was hiding
    As soon as I took the phone he started attacking me that I dnt understand why you have to spy on my phone and then you will get judge mental etc etc.. as soon as he attacked me with these words I got really really upset for 2 reason 1. What is their to hide and why am I’m not allowed to see your phone ? For me husband wife relation is being open with each other and each other messages with respective families . Why he has to lie to me or hide something that too for his family ?
    On top of that he started counter attacking me that made me mad as well. It’s like you are lying or hiding something to me and then on top of it you are pretending to keep your head above my attacking me and saying that I get judge mental by reading messages that he talks to his side of the family all the time and not mine etc .. I got to listen so much for just picking up his phine

    So I gave his phone back and told him that I dnt have to listen to these things from you for just picking up your phone. Clearly there is something that you want to hide and I know it’s not some affair or anything but always things related to your family

    I was sick yesterday so I left the room and he followed me and of course a big fight... I always used to give up earlier but not lately I have seen myself fighting for myself and standing up to him..
    I did not give up and kept saying that I should not be punished by words like these for checking your phone in front of you. I’m not spying or anything .also another big thing is that this is an example of how I always say that you take your family side your mother sister over me. I feel like a second person even in front of your sister..
    I dnt know how to say this but yes I feel that he even takes his sister side before me forget the mother ... he makes me feel that all the time and this is just one example ..

    If he had some conversation with his sister why is he hiding? If tables turned he will not accept that from me but how is it acceptable for me to agree that he was trying to hide something to avoid the fight between me and him? Why ????

    2. Lie is another problem: his mom also lies and may be he grew up with thinking that it’s ok to lie or hide to avoid arguments and this is against my principle..
    his mom lies to us all the time and he ignored or does not even understand or know that she’s lying ...
    now he’s lying in front of our kids for their bua? Is this what my kids are going to learn and grow up with?

    Thai family drive me bonkers .. how will I ever live with my lying in laws and husband who covers them under the same roof ???he wants to move them in with us )
     
    zeppelingirl likes this.
    Loading...

  2. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    45
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Goahead,

    I think I have way less experience than you to suggest anything to you. Nevertheless, here are my thoughts.

    1. All your arguments are very valid and to the point. It would have pricked the guilty conscience in your DH. Most people cannot face their guilt. That's why he followed you when you left the room and tried to establish unsuccessfully that he is not guilty.

    2. There is nothing wrong in picking your DH phone in front of him. The context in which this happened suggests you only picked up to google instructions. To me, it feels like your DH over-reacted.

    3. But this incident need not have escalated. Try not to bring past behaviour/arguments into a current argument. It might be perfectly valid but it does not help - it will only blow up things out of proportion.

    4. If your DH acts like this again, just tell him - let's talk/set up the phone after you get yourself together and can see your childishness. Explain your position and walk away. Don't react emotionally if he continues to argue. Not responding will further anger him and trigger a silent treatment civil mini-war. So repeat let's talk later/let's take a break. He knows he and his family are doing something wrong but he cannot not defend his family. For some reason, many Indian husbands think their family is weak and needs their protection but the girl who has just come in is strong enough to stand up for herself (too positive a statement I think). Well, only if people are guilty can they perceive themselves as weak according to me.

    5. They lied, not you. You do your work to your satisfaction and let go of the rest. They should feel ashamed of their behaviour. It is difficult to live with such people for sure. I don't have anything better to say other than you don't deserve to lose your peace of mind over their behaviour. So don't let it. Other friends here with more experience can suggest solutions better than me with respect to the possibility of living with such in-laws.
     
  3. Sweetgirl123

    Sweetgirl123 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    180
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hm yea liars usually are good with words. So take it as a chance and good excerise to improve on your verbal reasoning and persuasiveness.
    He’s behaving like child, so treat him like one. If it were my guy I would just mercilessly tease him about his oh so interesting and secretive life that he can’t even share his phone with other people.
    The dude sounds like he has issues,
    What sort of lies is it?
    If it’s minor things try to not take it serious and treat it like an Inside joke if they lie to your face.
     
    AAPriya likes this.
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,185
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Of course u were spying and yes he has a right to be annoyed. Yes some couples share everything under the sun but it takes a while to get there and is not a given in any relationship . Checking his messages when u clearly know its out of bounds for u will work against u.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2017
    sindmani, Sunburst, Amica and 2 others like this.
  5. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    188
    Likes Received:
    79
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    We have been married for 13 years .. chocking his phone in front of him is still considered spying after 13 years? He would not get angry for anything else on his phone but it’s always something related to his family.. so even after so many years I’m second to his sister
     
    zeppelingirl and AAPriya like this.
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,185
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    I am married for a lot longer if that means anything at all which I doubt . I have chats /emails with my sibling/ parents / friends that are strictly for my eyes only . My phone does not even have a password and yet my family knows better than to open and read it. Same goes with my spouse and my teen boys who have their privacy. I ask when I want to see something and they share if they want to. U have to trust first when u want it to be reciprocated. Its a harder path in the beginning but works well in the long run.
    Edited to add : Don't go down this path of creating a pecking order in relationships. We each have a place and no one replaceable. I do not believe in hierarchy and even less in making statements about them during fights .
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2017
    sindmani, Anisu, meepre and 5 others like this.
  7. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    45
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, I think the context is very important.

    1. There is a history of lying in this case.

    2. In 13 years of marriage, situations have been such that OP feels insecure about how she is always NOT treated as the priority in her DH's life.

    3. OP's 'feelings' are an instance of how one 'feels' if there's a situation where the spouse is not allowed to have a look at her spouse's phone for a small thing. What one feels is what they feel. I don't think anyone can say someone's feelings are wrong or incorrect. Of course, no one can take complete responsibility for another's emotional well-being but I think OP's feelings are very valid.
     
    pinky2cute likes this.
  8. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    1,063
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I know how it feels. My dh is same type. He gets hyper when i touch his phone in his presence or absence. Yes if i need his phone for something he will give...but he obviously makes sure he is next to me and that i dont go to his personal chats with his family.
    My dh is a liar too. For him his parents comes first always. He has all convos with them even what we do or talk but he doesnt share what he talks with his family to me.
    It annoys me even today and we still keep foghting over it.
    I too believe in transparency in a relation. I wouldn't mind sharing my bank details or passwords or mobile msgs or anything with my partner bcoz i don't fear of hiding anything.

    I wish our partners had similar transparency with us.
    I donno what to advice... all i can say is I'm also in same boat and for my peace of mind... i am ignoring this for now and trying to make him open up to me.
     
    AAPriya likes this.
  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,185
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    How u feel is not a valid reason to overstep ur bounds.
     
    sindmani and Amica like this.
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,123
    Likes Received:
    27,020
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    He does not believe in this openness. He made it amply clear that he does not want you to check his phone. He is not a little kid that you can override his wishes and insist on your right to look at the messages. Irrespective of all other issues in the marriage, your behavior in this incident cannot be excused in any way. If you are smart, you will turn this situation around. Calm down, and tell him that while you guys have issues with each other and with his family, you will now on respect his privacy. And then do that.

    Being open with each other and each other's messages with respective families is not always two way. If you don't mind him looking at your messages, it doesn't mean he also has to be fine with you looking at his messages.

    >> now he’s lying in front of our kids for their bua? Is this what my kids are going to learn and grow up with?
    Unless you highlight the lies he says about their bua, the kids won't get it. When they start getting it without your help, they will also be old enough to understand that sometimes adults hide or tell lies in family dynamics. For all you know, your kids will be more shocked that their mom shared such family details and criticism of their dad online than that their dad lied.

    >> 1. Yesterday we were doing some phone set ups and I took his phone to google something
    This casual family act of setting up phone, you mention kids -- so more than one, you googling something on his phone ... these little things are precious. And unfortunately, sometimes very ephemeral. MIL/SIL issues all have for some years.. don't let these spoil your peace and happiness so much.

    >> Of course I took his phone and took a look at his WhatsApp
    He was fine with you using his phone to google, you "of course" took a look at this whatsapp. Not good.

    If a woman suspects that husband is having an EMA or other secret relationship, and snoops, or insists on looking at his phone in his presence, it can be argued that she is looking for evidence. In regular life with regular MIL/SIL issues, no.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2017
    sindmani, PLK, Anisu and 2 others like this.

Share This Page