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Hubby's perfectionism........HELP!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by varsha365, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. varsha365

    varsha365 New IL'ite

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    Hi all;

    I am a regular reader here but now thought of posting my situation and hope to get your valued suggestions.

    Dh and I are the employees of the same company. We met at workplace and we are married for 7yrs now,
    By nature dh is a very organized and orderly person.
    Compared to him, I stand no where near. I learned lot of things from him after marriage. About keeping things organized, prioritizing work and such but am still way far behind him. I keep forgetting things very fast, he advised me to write it down as a list of things to do, I forget looking at the list itself.
    I am more social person compared to him. He can be alright minding his work sitting all by himself, he does not speak to everyone like I do but only to 2 close buddies and work related people.....I have seen that even in office. On the other hand, I have to talk my quota of words whether at work or home. I like partying and more socializing than him. It is not that he totally dislikes being around people but we are nowhere near each other.

    Whenever things do not happen due to my carelessness or forgetfulness he would gently remind me in the early years of marriage but nowadays he has taken up something different.

    1. A month back he came up to me at work and asked whether I gave kid morning medicine since he had cough. I forgot and so was about to call up school and ask them to use it from the stock we already had at school. He said no need for that , I already did it.
    I know you did not give. He reminded me the previous night but I forgot in the morning rush. He went before me that day.
    For 2 days he did not talk to me.

    2. I did not make lunch for us so I told him before we started out that we will go for lunch today. Later, my colleaugue (woman) came up to me before lunch and said there was a huge sale at the nearby mall and they are going. I told dh we will go with them and then eat something there. He asked me what do you want to buy now? I said let me just see, if I get something good I will get it. He said NO. He said during weekend we will go and see, this is not the time.
    I insisted I will go with them. He just walked away and I went my way. He did not talk to me that night.

    3. Recently, I was driving my child back home on a road I take daily to and fro. There is yield sign and I just looked but thought I will go before the other car comes, but to my bad luck that car hit me from the back. Luckily, we were fine. I got a ticket.
    I called dh and he came and did not even ask how I was. He just checked our kid and talked to the cop and went away. I came home and apologized. I will tell this to you ladies that it is my fault and also this is 4th time I am in an accident but this is first time with kid. Dh is very careful driver compared to me seeing the number of accidents. He just stopped talking to me and it is a week now. We live with our kid as the only mediator. No amount of apology, nothing is pleasing him so far.

    Coming to housework, We both share the work and we both sat down and made this 'constitution'. At the time of framing this 'constitution' I was OK with everything.
    But I admit I am laid back person and sometimes neglect it and try to pull him back too. He gets so upset for that.
    He has a way of doing things for everything and for him there is specific TIME for everything. And to my bad luck he never forgets anything, not even once during these years. . I am not saying I will play blame game but this too much perfectionism is also getting on my nerves.:bonk


    Varsha
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Varsha,

    More then your husband perfectionism, I think you really do some mistakes in your marriage.
    If you husband looking to spend time with you and going out for lunch then how can you just ignore his request and go out for Mall.
    You know those material things always comes and go. We really just buy unnecessary stuff and keep it in home. Instead you would have given priority to your husband feelings and his requests.
    Giving medicine kids, I know lot of time we forget but may you should have put in nice way like we are a unit together. Doing you is not different than me and I appreciate for it, something like that.
    Again for the yield thing, I don't blame your husband for it, I think it's more of your negligence and it's not about your husband perfectionism.
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Varsha

    I guess its not about being social. Its about prioritizing and understanding the importance and relevance of teh situation.

    I might sound a bit harsh, but really girl 4 accidents??? doesnt mind if the kid is there or not in the car...it may/may not be your fault but still ask yourself...how can your husband trust you??? or depend on you???

    I understand he trying to micromanage or playing a house cop really gets on to nerves..but if he doesnt do that....how would things be?? though they might appear small to you...I dont agree.

    You admitted certain things here like you being laid back / forgetful...Instead of trying to fix perfectionism in your husband...why dont you work on your forgetfulness? Dont just jump in and be ready to go out all the time...might be show some interest in household work....

    your husband is being helpful and also suggested you to write down incase if you forget things...so did you start writingdown?? why dont you start with that...


    Just pick up on those small stuff like not forgetting things..they might be the silliest...but when your husband observes that he can depend on you and that you are a responsible person, all tehse tiffs would go away and everyone relaxes...you too would feel proud to be able to get lot of things done around!!
     
  4. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    Varsha

    Did you try setting reminders for important tasks in your mobile or your office mail .

    This is what I do... when ever I have anything important to remember say for example to call a doc or pay some bill or wish someone on their b'day I keep a to-do item in my mobile or my office mailbox. And I dont dismiss that reminder till I finish my task. It is very risky to rely only on your memory for important items. Like last year, I had to take tablets every night around the same time for a month or so. So I kept reminder for tonight and after I take the tablet, move the reminder to the next day. Initially you might feel lazy and be tempted to just shut the reminder off and do it later but if you practice hard, you can avoid these forgetfullness. Nowadays when some important task some up , my DH asks me to set up a reminder and remind him.
    my outlook is full of reminders.. but at least I dont miss anything.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey I too do this :cheers helps alot to get things done on time
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  6. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    :) same pinch :biglaugh
     
  7. varsha365

    varsha365 New IL'ite

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    Thank you Priya and Srividya for your responses.

    Yeah, I understand I am wrong here. Believe me, I am trying to improve. Now, it is over a week he is not talking. We work at same place. I tried to talk to him and also asked if we can go out for lunch yesterday. He just gets up and goes away. No expression at all.
    It is so embarrassing for me too. What do I do now? I think his 2 buddies also know this. They sit near to his seat. I have sent so many emails saying I am sorry, I love you, so many times. No response!
    He sleeps on the couch these days.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    My thought , when at home just say sorry and express that you would work on improving your memory and work aroudn the house...and pls leave it there..dont argue, push or cry..Also show your words in actions..start writing down things on a sticky and put it onto the fridge or create reminders and work on the things...

    dont drag personal issues to work...deal with these like an adult and stop constant begging n apologizing , that would make him more stubborn...

    let him come back to talking terms and then you can discuss further
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  9. varsha365

    varsha365 New IL'ite

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    Thanks VLR. I do that mistake and pay a very heavy price each time.
    This time it is too heavy a price.....:drowning
     
  10. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Varsha
    This is what happens to me as well. My husband is perfect and I am just like you.. In many ways we have the exact things going on. Me and my hubby worked together for a while and I should say I hated it :)

    Anyways, now I have left my job and it has only been a month. My DH expects me to have completed a few things while he is at work, like call the internet provider, pay the bills etc. I dutifully write them down as tasks in my computer or on my fridge and keep striking out one by one. Somedays I just dont feel like doing the rest so I just leave them there and keep pushing it to the next day. There is one task there that has been moved for 27 days straight.. and obviously DH gets angry but he never stops talking.

    I think what you should do is.. You know activities that ur DH expects you to do, like pay a bill or check the letters etc. Tomorrow go ahead and do everything. I mean do every single thing, write them all down in an email and keep striking them out one by one.. when you have done them all send him that email with all the striked out activities and leave the last one open.... "A kiss to my love". In the end of the email just say .. I have completed every single thing here and would love to finish the last one... Is that ok with you? :rotfl

    1. Buy Milk
    2. Fix doctors appointment
    3. Call maintenance
    4. A kiss to my love

    I did something similar to my DH once and he still talks about it today.. (not for the exact scenario though)

    Good luck gal..
     

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