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Hubby's generosity in giving money to In-laws.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lisa123, Feb 14, 2011.

  1. lisa123

    lisa123 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    This is my very first post to the forum. I was impressed by the suggestions and advises given by other members of the forum, so thought I too would take some guidance from you guys.

    We have been married since last three years. We both are working and staying in US. Before marriage my hubby has been giving all his money to his parents. He invested all his money in getting built one luxurious house for them and buying some other luxurious stuff for them such as Car.
    When I came here and saw him giving some bulk amounts in between to them other than the monthly allowance of 500, I discussed with him and since then he has been giving only monthly allowance.
    His father got retired four years ago but still working on ad hoc basis.
    We just paid his father's some 5 laks home loan on our last visit to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region>. Now after coming from there, I have seen him giving monthly allowance of 700. When I discussed why he has increased this amount when we already are giving him some good amount and we paid his father’s loan, and he is getting his pension and salary from ad hoc jobs, He started saying that we have progressed in last couple of years in terms of our salary.So they too should be benefitted. I just don’t understand this logic. We have been saving all the money because we have plans to study further and we don’t have house here. I don’t give any money to my parents.
    Don’t you thing it is illogical on my hubby's part to give this much money to In-laws. I had a big fight over this issue, not sure if I am right. Please suggest.

    Thanks
     
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  2. natpudan

    natpudan Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Lisa,

    All that I have expressed here is my opinion only.

    Including me most of us lack in the most important subject - Financial Planning.

    That's the whole issue that brings up such fights.

    Forget for a moment the in-laws and just concentrate on the subject financial planning.

    Identify your financial objectives & the target dates - given below are a few examples:


    1. Emergency funds - liquid cash in the form of deposits - 6 months gross
    monthly expenses
    2. Personal education of self & spouse
    3. Adequate Insurances for self & spouse
    4. Future planning for childrens education
    5. House for family
    6. Retirement funds
    7. Car
    8. Etc.

    This should be a joint exercise. Income vs Expenses and achieving these objectives should be identified.

    On doing this you would finally end up with a defecit / surplus.

    Based on which you both can decide how genorous you can be with the surplus if any.

    Once you understand this then there would be no fight.

    I haven't done this and my wife had been very patient for a long long time and finally burst out on my way of spending. After which I understood the importance and believe now that I am responsible enough.

    It's good that you started thinking at an early stage. Hence without a fight spend some quality time with your spouse & make him understand the responsibilities on hand. Then he would realise and change for the good.

    No comments on the 500 vs 700. That's for you both to decide.

    All the best.
     
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I am with Natpudan on this. If you have not done your financial planning (for the long term) yet, that would be the great start. Apart from giving some perspective of how much you need to survive, save (even for kids and retirement), see how much you can afford to keep aside for sending to inlaws.

    On a second note, can they survive if you dont send money at all? If yes, then you can clearly make an excel spreadsheet showing what your current expenses are and how much you are saving, how much you need to save to maintain the current life style etc. Dont do it in a day. Take couple of months and see for yourself. It will be useful even for you. Lots of banks have some financial tools where you can key in numbers and evaluate your financial status.
    When you show this to your DH, perhaps he will also realize the importance of saving for yourself.
     
  4. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for the great post, Natpudan.

    It sure would benefit all of us, irrespective of whether we send money back home or not....
     
  5. malligashivaram

    malligashivaram Gold IL'ite

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    Lisa this is your first post congrats and welcome to Il family --Comment here you can take or not take it depends on your family circumstances--each are different--some advices though seems perfect you cannot employ at once maybe later on...Natupan sir gave correct reply--I too agree..though I feel you have to imply it slowly..and progressively.
    Is he the only son then house loan payment will benefit you later on--If not dont stress too much at it at once wait and see.Giving a small amount is out of love dear--they feel happy--son remembers them--even after marriage.
    But if it is biting into your income too much you can reduce it--try to influence him of saving future etc he will come around eventually...dont worry generosity to the amount of stupidity I would not validate...but you can reduce your expenses to make up for it.:thumbsup:thumbsup
     
  6. lisa123

    lisa123 New IL'ite

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    Thanks guys... Financial planning post is very useful from Natpudan.Will work on that soon. But I am sure My hubby is going to cut any thing from what ever he sends to them, He might go and cut other expenses to meet the financial plan goals.
    On the other hand my hubby says that for him it is more importnat to see his parents happy than we having house or any other thing.

    Also the money which we sent is usually spent on decorating their house..putting expensive curtains ,marble tiles and whatever makes their house more luxurious and beautiful.Should not they be satisfied with whatever they have. In fact their expectations are high because now they have got their Daughter in law who is also working.

    Do you think that it is fair on parents' part to keep continuing taking a big amount once son is married and he has more responsibilities?
    His parents are already well settled with house, car etc. My parents live their life on their pension but they never demand/accept any money from me or my brothers.
     
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Ur DH is a good son.


    Ur Inlwas on the other hand have their priorities all screwed up and thats pretty pathetic for parents.
    Sorry dear but nothing much u can do. Just make sure u both dont land in debt and since u are earning try to save some money and invest wisely. Looks like u have to do the planning for both. But one thought though....have u ever tried to tell ur inlaws about the reality ?Sometimes I feel parents back home dont really know what is going on here since in our enthusiasm to not pain them we paint too rosy a picture.
    Let me share an incident at my home. We were relatively new in our jobs ,had just bought a home, another car and money was pretty tight . My FIL was blissfully unaware of it and, each time we called home he would talk about how to invest in India and how its the right time to buy some property there and on and on . He is a good man and wanted the best for his son but DH wouldnt say anything..just brushed it aside and evaded the topic. I could never convince DH to tell his parents the truth . So FIL started feeling that we dont respect his opinions . One fine day when they were visiting us I and FIL went for a long walk . I explained to him how jobs dont have the same level of security as in India and all the financial implications of locking up more money in real estate . He completely understood and was very happy that I confided in him. That talk I had with him cleared a lot of air .Try it out ...u never know. But ofcourse my PIL are not at all greedy ,live well under their means and haven't expected a penny from their sons. So I am not sure this will work in ur case esp if they are greedy.
     
  8. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Check the article below for financial planning!

    Complete Financial Planning - IndusLadies
    and more importantly, go to the websites mentioned to make a good decision!

    Other websites are valueresearchonline.com, dhan.com etc

    Keep smiling
    Harini
     

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