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Hubby - Mom n family first, frinds next, wife and her family last!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mickykuty, Feb 6, 2014.

  1. mickykuty

    mickykuty New IL'ite

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    I writing here to just vent out my feelings and to know from people who have managed to maintain a happy Marriage!

    I know that every relation has its ups and down. SO does mine with my own hubby.

    Its been almost 4 years of Marriage and i moved from Idai to Us after marriage. We had some great marriage life until we made an India trip, the first after my marriage, and thats when i came to know my Husband's other shade. The one who is caring about me..., is what I thought, but in India he was obviously caring only about his family...

    One thing to note is that there was or is no physical abuse or mental torture. But the problem is mostly aimed at who is of greater importance.


    My hubby if jus fine,loving and caring until there comes a phone call where in his Mom has to just say...For eg, For our first diwali : Don spend on anything , jus wear what i got for you and ur wife(a saree that no one wants to wear, may not be even his own sister).
    Now that said, My parents had already sent me an expensive Saree and a very good clothing for my Husband. But i actually wanted my husband to buy me somethin, even a simple T-shirt from his salary wud have been great. No, but my husbands jus follows orders. SO in the end, my husband did exactly the same as his Mom wanted, on the other hand is sister who was married jus a year before mine, was gifted an expensive Jewelry set by her in laws for his first Diwali. Now i was not asking for Jewelry but even a Hand kerchief gifted with love from him wud have been awesome.

    There were lot of issues in the India trip. His mother jus did not want me to be with my mother at all, I should always be in the in laws place jus for the society' sake not that as though she loves me and wants to spend time with me...

    We had a House warming ceremony that my husband had bought(Coz i did not earn in the Us at that time as i was on H4, though i was earning back in India). SO my parents had gifted a lot of Silverware and Jewelry but my husband and his people did not even acknowledge my parents gift, so a simple flower garland from his mother' side was lot more valuable that all the gifts that my parents had gifted. There was continuous boasting of how good the garland was and how expensive the garland is and wat a selection the garland is... God, in every way according to them, the Garland(worth say Rs800) was way better than all the silver and gold gifts(worth in 1000s) ...

    In short if his family gifts us say 3 gm of Gold and my family 3 kilos of Gold,
    according to them, 3 gm >>>>>>>>>> 3 kilos .
    My husband wud top the comment by saying, that my parents are jus displaying that they have money... Well if they want ot display they would spend it on themselves and on their' daughters family...


    I was crying the entire India trip back to Us , as his mom is very gud at playing drama's , that I dont respect their family and thats why i dont stay with them(in spite of staying @ my mils place for 15 out of 20 days of vacation)

    Now coming to the present...All of the above happened about 4 years back!!! I had a tough pregnancy and my parents were here for first six after my baby was born and now ithe the second six months where in MIL and FIL have come here to take care... (As i have started to work)

    I have no complains in the way they take care of my LO, but its often the behavior and the way through which they assert their dominance...

    I am not supposed to buy anything though i am earning , as according to her we have to save... and not spend and wrap up and come back to india... but yeah... they can buy whatever they want...

    Its always her daughter whose life is always difficult when compared to mine here..

    My MIL has lot of siblings and they are a very close knot family though there are obvious differences , My MIL will talk as though its her brother and her sisters who are WORLDS greatest human being...

    One might think... what is there to vent about this... but its the small small things which are piling up in my mind... like :

    WHen we got engaged... His monther was very strict in ensuring that I call her amma/ Aunty... The way my mom had raised me, forced me to call her amma and call all her relatives as my own relatives... But till date My Husband calls my Parents as Aunty/Uncle as though they are not relatives to him... I know its a simple thing... but i have fought/begged/pleaded/demanded... every way possible to make him call my parents as at least mama/mami, but he says he is not comfortable...

    Is it wrong on my part to expect him todo so... Well if he cant reciprocate a simple thing... i dont know how weit wud be in future...

    I know he is gud dad... but it can change momentarily if his mom says anything... Jus a word is enough!!!

    He would want me to talk to all his relatives, his mom and every one in his family like every other day but till date he wud have hardly spoken 3 to 4 times to my parents in the last 6 months...

    Dont you know the logic, that if you expect something then you shud be able to reciprocate the same...

    So a marriage cannot be peaceful without such stupid things... or is it like i have to being a woman put up with this nonsense of lopsidedness ...

    is it worth it?
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2014
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  2. soniaM

    soniaM Junior IL'ite

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    Hi..
    as far as spending is concerned, I dont think u shud be focusing on wat ur MIL has said.. save...save...save.. u shud not be bothered, after all its ur money dear.. focus on ur career... u shud play smart.. wen u know dat ur hubby is a different person in front of his parents, try giving him as much space as he needs.. infact be completely on the ignorance mode.. try keeping urself as busy as possible ... m sure he wil realize one day since u have mentioned dat he is caring n loving... be happy.. it hurts the one's who are jealous.. ;)
     
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  3. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Now .. now ..... lets talk about one subject at a time ... either 'Mama's boy' or 'logic' ... Both cannot co-exist ... not even in text ...
     
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  4. smartengg

    smartengg Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Your problem is a very typical problem faced by wives of all mumma's boys'.
    But since you have already completed 4 years of marriage and not been able to change certain things,my advice to you is to practice IGNORANCE.
    Since you are working,you sure have enough things at hand to do,then why bother about what your husband is doing.I know it's very tough to implement ,but once you start doing it ,you will realise that IGNORANCE IS BLISSideasmiley

    Just let him do and behave how he wants to.You must accept that no matter how much time and energy you put into this it will be of no help.
    So why even bother.
    Find the gud things out,if your inlaws say you should save your salary,why not.
    Infact you should start buying your own stuff also frm ur hubby's salary and tell him ur saving bcz his mother has told u to do so.
    Some Girls on dis forum r worried dat thr inlaws want them to spend thr money and not thr hubby's,in ur case it's d opposite,so just do that.
    See it's of no harm in any way.regarding dresses and what you wear,no one has the right to tell you what to wear.You can listen and ignore them again :bangcomp:

    Just find happiness in YOUR life by yourself,not through your husband's activities.
    Learn to ignore things around you that you don't like .
    ( a lot in this reply comes out of my personal experience ,so trust me it works ):cheers
     
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  5. Janki75

    Janki75 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP- I will be married 10 years as of end of month and still the issues you have mentioned I face all the time. I learned to ignore and live my life. Sometimes it gets to me- I try to not let it bother me. You win some. You lose some. Concentrate on your LO and saving your paycheque. If IL's expect you to give them your salary to "save" - do not stand for that. Save in your own name.

    As for them buying little things and you parents doing more. It happens- all mother in laws do this. My MIL gave me 2 so-so suits when my son was born( no gold but when her DD had a son she gave gold set, 11 suits etc) I said thank you and kept them. She got them presown so I couldn't even regift. I have never worn them but to hear her and hubby talk about the suits - You would think she got them custm made and spent thousands - You just have to ignore.
     
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  6. Jhilmill

    Jhilmill Silver IL'ite

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    You need to stop the bullying...your husband won't do it for you.
    1. Ask your parents to stop giving gift to inlaws unless they give return gift.
    2. Start calling them uncle/aunty coz your husband do the same to your parents its so easy.
    3. When your hubby taunts your parents love to show off retort back by saying they cant see my husband not buying me a good saree so they do the job.
    4. When on diwali they ask to wear simple saree ignore wear heavy saree .
    5. Always remember in indian patriachial society these mumma's boys are bullied from childhood by their own mother so don't expect him to grow up just coz he's a MAN, they were raised like that so that wife comes their mom could control them...he's the retirement scheme they invested on.
    6. Stand for yourself ...be firm n nice ...for eg..tell your mil on diwali i cant wear plain everyone else will think bad that my husband cant provide me well enough.
    7.Spend equal time with inlaws and parents to start with.

    Most importantly in my opinion Behind every mumma's boy is a scared child so don't expect a child to give the love, support and respect a Man can give.

    May be my opinion feel harsh to you but i feel this is the bitter truth.
     
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  7. mickykuty

    mickykuty New IL'ite

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    I feel so good to c the responses and the fact that many are able to understand my feelings is very soothing... Like you all say... IGNORANCE is bliss ... i have been trying... but not successful... hope to succeed some day...

    i understand its gud to save... but its like WE are supposed to save... but they can come and spend (their son's) money they want... I completely fail to understand the logic... and obviously my husband(their son) will never ever say that he had to spend!

    yeah... my MIL keeps telling my hubby to wrap up here and come back to INdia... After this six months of their stay here with us, i dread a situation where in I have to live with them in India... with all their people surrounding us.....

    Marriage has it honeymoon period.... but once that wears off... the reality strikes you really bad!!!
     
  8. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    You save, we spend.
    daughter is precious (only theirs thou), daughters kids>sons kids
    sons wife is a doormat

    These are all apparently normal...only you can make it not-normal.
     
  9. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    what to say...mama's boy syndrome..very common syndrome and best treatment for this is ignore, ignore,ignore...best part is that you are financially independent and that surely helps in keeping the morale high..also, minimizing expectations works wonders..
    and don't ever try to find any logic behind MIL's activities...the more you will think about it, the more infuriating it will seem...good luck in keeping your cool Chillout!
     
  10. Srini6187

    Srini6187 Senior IL'ite

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    I feel the last point you said is really very difficult to digest or even accept - as most of us would want the Man to be one. My DH for example has not even spoken a word with me for the past month as his Mamma wanted me to finally call it off.
    Calling them aunty/uncle - makes my DH so angry. It is always AMMA! Here when I speak AMMA always should refer only to his mum - so wondering how I could address my mum !!
     

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