1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feelings?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by iammyself, Jul 29, 2014.

  1. iammyself

    iammyself Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    24
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    I would like to know how would you deal if your spouse breaches the trust about open communication (without hiding facts/lying) you had in him / her? Especially after the third instance?


    Please excuse for the lengthy post...


    This incident had happened about 5 weeks ago and I originally believed or was made to believe that it was all spontaneous or happened on that very morning but finally came to know a couple of days ago that my wife was responsible for the incident.


    Background:
    • Got married in December 2013 - http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/240915-finally-married-everyone-s-consent.html
    • Originally planned a simple wedding on a budget in 1 day and that changed to a 2 days wedding as per my wife and in-laws requests followed by reception next evening and I exceeded budget. Assuming a budget of 100 M, we went close to 170 M finally and I ended up with my first loan of my life but I had no regrets as the events went fine even though I was financially stressed up on the reception day.
    • I wanted to bear the total wedding expenditure as on Oct / Nov 2013 as my wife had no savings at that time and I didn't want to burden either of our parents with our wedding. (My dad retired and most of his retirement benefits went into our new apartment and my inlaws are already in debt as my MIL gave few lakhs to FIL's friend without FIL's knowledge who never repaid it back apart from other financial misappropriations) However, due to unexpected death of my paternal grand mother few weeks before the wedding and related expenses things got a bit tight for me financially even though I had already paid up in full for the hotels, marriage hall, florist, videographers transportation etc already. I only had to pay the balance for the reception hall, videographers, honeymoon and some return gift shopping. My wife (then fiancee) told me that their parents wanted to pay for the food as they probably felt being left out of the finances of their eldest daughter and even though I was not fully willing, I had to accept it due to my own financial situation especially after the changes in no. of days of wedding etc;
    • I have this habit of budgeting to the very final rupee as per projections and quotes and keep very little buffer for unexpected changes which I am trying to change after learning from multiple experiences. RSVPs are not common here yet and less than expected number of guests turned up for the wedding and a lot more than expected guests (and probably few friends / relatives of these guests) attended the reception. As we had a few days to pay the balance for the reception hall and the hall being near to my inlaws place and we planned for a honeymoon originally just a couple of days after the reception, I transferred the balance amount - the refund (deposit paid to wedding hall - expenses) to my wife's account and asked her to leave her card with her parents so they can clear up. A couple of things got mixed up here again due to me not cross checking each of these again.
    • After negotiating with the florist at the marriage hall and reaching home, I decided to skip a couple of optional extras (that are not even noticeable in the wedding video later and may only give a good look on hall entrance) with the florist and make alternate arrangements as the wedding is happening at our native (both mine and my wife are native of same city and we have resources who can help us with this small stuff). I asked my wife to inform the florist when his second maternal uncle reaches the venue again in a couple of days but even though I was told that this was done, it never happened and I came to know only when the florist called me few days before the wedding asking for the amount towards the couple of optionals I asked my wife and MIL to skip as the quoted rates for these optionals were beyond market rates and we could have made alternate arrangements easily. But my MIL thought that these optionals were better handled by this florist and my wife told that her parents would pay for this extra amount but could not arrange for the same at the time of billing. Both the florist and the food related supplier are through the hall and at the time of final billing, this extra amount owed to the florist as well as another 2M related to some food related utensils rent or some misc. food related charge that I was not initially aware of was said to be deducted by the wedding hall management as my ILs failed to clear payments to these two vendors.
    • Either I had not received the correct number of expected guests until the reception day or something else but we ended up having 2.5 times more number of guests resulting in additional unplanned expenditure of 5M. A total of 10M difference was due to above two reasons.
    • Apart from these due to post marriage religious stuff added up and I ended up with a loan.



    Issues:

    • I was expecting some money even on the day we planned to go for honeymoon but didn't get it then. Since it was not already booked I had no other option but to cancel plans for that day and decided to postpone for a few weeks so we set things financially right and for that moment, I had our new apartment just entered into after our marriage and thought that me and my wife stay there and kickstart our marriage life. I believed that my wife would understand the situation after I explain and I informed my parents and her parents that we were going on a honeymoon to the place we planned before. I knew it would be a huge shock to her as it was to me especially when I planned the entire thing taking her inputs for each option. As I expected she broke down on hearing this and cried but I explained her and consoled her and promised that we are just postponing it until our finances are set back in order which I expected to take not more than a couple of months even in the worst case scenario. I asked her opinion if she was okay with postponing until finances are set right or if we replan the same month but she left the decission to me then.
    • I believed this was a heartful response but could never imagine that she just told it to end the topic. Probably I failed to realise this then as I never had any experience in decoding words and believed that my wife was truly open about this topic.
    • After the financial situation improved, she had thyroid related issues and I had my work related issues and we could not go on that week long honeymoon originally planned and she conceived in May and we just spent a day at a hotel in a different city as a babymoon kind of thing which I promised if the honeymoon did not materialise quick enough and we planned to go on another short getaway again during 2nd trimester.



    There are about 20 issues behind the incident which are not relevant to my query - So skipping them here but none of these including issues between her and my mom were never brought to my notice.


    Probably in April last week she once informed her parents that she was not happy here and her parents came here and instead of informing me about the issues in a proper manner, MIL became hyper and missed the point and started the blame game and my wife went with them to her maiden home promising to return back in a day but that one day turned one week and I had to go and get her back. Even then I was not informed of any of these 20 issues either by my wife or by my ILs but only asked me to see that her daughter is happy. We never asked her to do anything. Even my mom or me would take care of the vaccuming or cleaning and cooking and kitchen stuff despite my wife having 9+ years of experience in cooking at her maiden home.


    Fast forward to June, she is in her first trimester with TSH around 11.9 and the endocrinologist we consulted classified it as a high risk pregnancy and told me to take extra care and avoid travel until end of first trimester. However around 2nd week of June, my wife started accusing me that I was trying to separate her from her parents as I was repeatedly denying to let her visit her parents as per doc's recommendation. I then had to finally tell her what the doc told me and she was fine for a couple of days but then on this morning, she received a call from MIL who informed my wife that her mother (my wife's maternal grandmother) had asked my wife not to stay with me and mom during the Aashada month. This was when we were still on bed and in a few minutes after the call ended just as I went to brush after I reminded her of the doc recommendation, my wife immediately changed her dress and went to my mom in Kitchen and asked my mom on leaving for Ashadam and my mom told her to check with me and then my wife started an issue with "Will my grandmother and mom be wrong?" etc; From there on a few words were exchanged and a heated conversation happened for about 30 minutes and she called her parents again and this time both MIL and FIL created a huge scene and went about namecalling and even challenged me that they would get a better groom for her daughter than me and that we had cheated them and they had never cross-verfied etc; In fact we never visited their place as many times as they were invited to our place prior to marriage and I had shared personal and even financial details with her post engagement.


    I assumed that this was a spontaneous reaction seeing her daughter in that state at that point of time and also assumed that my wife overreacted that morning due to hormonal changes but a couple of days ago I finally came to know from MIL (probably a slip of tongue) that my wife had messaged her sister that she wants to go away from everyone and she was fed up with our family atmosphere and her list of rants etc; And it was my wife's sister who informed my MIL & FIL 3 days prior to this incident and that morning's phone call about Ashadam was all a well acted drama just so my wife can go back to her parents just as she (or her mom or grandmom) wanted.


    As per the endocrine recommendation we avoided travel especially two wheeler and even after the incident., I told her that I will drop her in the evening in our car but she she left in an auto without any care for the baby.


    I felt this was breach of trust I had in her about open communication (which was one of the first topics during our initial conversations on the matrimony portal we met) and we met multiple times in the last 1 month she had been there but she never for once told me herself about that she had messaged her sister about this. I found it very immature on her part to share things with her sister without even discussing a bit about what was going on in her mind.


    I agree that there is a difference in the lifestyle and they happen to go out every weekend but here we usually plan outings for a week or so once a year while we go out only about twice in a month.


    But my question to her was should she or her parents not properly discuss any of the issues with me first? When I asked her this yesterday, she just said that she could not as if it would affect my work but then her actions now even more affected me both personally and professionally.


    I had never thought twice before talking to her on any topic under the sky even though I felt at times she was not communicating properly. My wife agreed to come back on Wednesday (after we discussed her issues - about 60% are genuine and I had given her a solution while the rest are her pure imagination) and promised this time that she would be open with me and not call her parents here again. But now I am no longer sure if I should be open to her and believe her if she is telling the truth. Please advise.


    I believe in relationships atleast here in India and still love my wife and would like to hear on how to make her improve her relationship with me and not open to divorce related options :)


    Thanks again for reading through this patiently.
     
    Loading...

  2. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,779
    Likes Received:
    1,001
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Male
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    Sir,

    Though you are pointing out about 20 issues, which were not discussed with you, in advance, the other side (your wife and her folks) might have genuinely thought that a few of them are too trivial.

    I mean, they might have thought it is too trivial to give advance information to you. Unfortunately, what was trivial as perceived by them, might be perceived by you as important.

    Just, my two cents !
     
  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,773
    Likes Received:
    3,198
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    You are being very transparent and open which she is taking as a weakness. Communicate directly to her sister and to her parents about the specific changes you want to see in her behavior for a few days. If she complains then reply that she was the one who involved them in the personal matters n you are merely continuing with her lead. A word of advice: dont over do it on the understanding. If she complains about honeymoon again tell her you could pay for either wedding or honeymoon not both, what to do. If she cooked for 9 years and is able to cook then why are you and your mom not allowing her to cook here? Like I said dont over do it and mollycoddle her into a mess. Try to be normal and practical in your dealings and expectations.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,448
    Likes Received:
    2,094
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    OP,

    For some reason, your post made me smile... You are very practical and analytical (to the nth degree). Your wife seems to be bit immature and pampered by her parents. That's all. If you are talking (no offense) this detailed list to your wife, she must be snoring! when you have your open communication with her.

    Take it easy. You are just beginning your life. Give some more time for your wife to understand you better and eventually, she will trust your ways of thinking.

    I don't see any major problem, other than that your DW wants to spend time away from home and it's natural under her condition.
     
    4 people like this.
  5. JustAnotherMom

    JustAnotherMom Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,377
    Likes Received:
    2,453
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    Too much to read:(
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,628
    Likes Received:
    4,978
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    OP, you guys have been unfortunate to face a lot of issues in a short amount of time. The new bundle of joy will help reverse the fortunes.
    First of all, you should have controlled your marriage expenses within your limits. But anyway that is all done and you need to move forward. Try to pay off your loan asap. Look for better interest loans if that is possible.
    Second look from your wife's angle. She got married, had to hear about unplesant financial situation, got thyroid problem, got pregnant all in such a small time. All of these situations are individually capable of extreme mood swings and depression in women and the combination of all three can be worse. Hence it requires more than usual caring for her.

    so there is no point in delving into what happened in the past, who did/did not do what or who said what and when but to prioritize the issues and handle them.

    As per me, the priority should be to make sure that baby is healthy and safe. If this requires her to be at her parent's house, requires you to listen to her tantrums, do so. But the focus should be on the health of the baby. Don't worry if she cooks does not cook for a while if that is what she wants. If this requires you to be less transparent for a while, so be it. If she asks for honeymoon, just tell her that you are planning once she is better and after the baby or something like that. Don't bring financial situation in between. She may not be in the mental state to comprehend at this moment.

    Once she recovers from her illness and the baby is born, you guys can restart your life with proper talks.

    So two priorities - pay off your debt (preferably before the baby) and delivery of safe and healthy baby.

    Also in life i don't think it is possible to exactly predict expenses to the penny. Just today, i accidentally broke the glass of the oven on my cooking range. We bought it this Jan. In fact, this year has been bad for us in terms of unplanned expenses. So plan as best as you can and always leave some buffer and hope for the best.

    hope this helps.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2014
    2 people like this.
  7. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,785
    Likes Received:
    7,296
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    OP,

    here is is what I see here. You are driven by your head and aren't able to figure matters of the heart out. I don't have enough information about your wife but I'm willing to bet she quite doesn't function that way.

    Now the problem with people who decide with their heart is that they see the logic of your argument but have no way to put their feelings forward as they feel they are trivial. This leads to a great feeling of frustration being built up inside which they have no means of communicating because they are given to understand that their feeling don't count. Mostly they don't even try. They are just extremely unhappy.

    You haven't been able to read her well or she has been keeping things really close to her heart as she hasn't felt comfortable in sharing things with you. That's a shame. You need to be approachable. By that I mean when she comes to you with a problem do not solve it for her or make judgements. Lay your cards down and give her the support while she works it out by herself. It may take longer but it will be her solution and she will be happier for it.

    You seem to have been forbidding her from visiting her parents without telling her the reason. This is very controlling behaviour and damages the relationship badly.

    She seems to have been feeling trapped and wanted out. Hence the drama of grandmother saying something. It is firstly a gross violation for her sister to have ratted her out. You mustn't hold that against your wife at this point if you want to work the marriage out. She isnt lying IMO, she didn't tell you everything because she knew your come up with a logic which would totally crush her wishes. That's a shame. So, don't accuse her. Look at visiting her parents as something she really needed and had no idea how to go about. Can you even imagine the frustration the poor girl must have been going through?

    my marriage was on the rocks for very different reasons in the early years and my husband and I went through painful metamorphosis to fix it. Something my husband learnt, and I'm grateful for to this day, is this - if anything matters to me, it is important, not trivial; he will support me and my decision even if he isn't fully convinced; he gives me the space to figure things out by myself; I do make mistakes but I know that my husband is my safety net. He wouldn't say "I told you so"; he will be there to help me figure out what to do next. And our relationship today is, touchwood, beautiful.

    the point is that there are several solutions to any problem, however perceived it may seem to you. Yours might be one of the solutions. However if it isn't an acceptable solution to your wife, it is clearly not the right one for her. The problems that you dismiss as trivial may be really bothering your wife.

    What you need to do is loosen your control and let her find her way out with your full support. First of all, without accusing her of not having communicated apologise for not having been unapproachable. Ask he if she'd like to try again. Tell her that she knows how your function but you don't know how she functions. Ask her to keep aside everything else and tell you what she would like. Listen to her. Ask her what she wishes to do. If she doesn't know or her answer isn't acceptable to you, back off and ask her to give it some thought. Brainstorm - perhaps you could note down all solutions you both can think of however absurd or irreverent it could be.let her feel free and safe with you instead of having to feel apologetic for her feelings. Have a few laughs during the session. Be kind and courteous and mindful of her feelings at all times. A bit of romance might also help. Then think each issue over and revisit them at a later time to figure out a solution acceptable to you both.

    Also since you seem to be quite regimental in terms of plans, I suggest you always have an acceptable plan B if plan A doesn't work. As you have figured out plan As quite often don't work...

    PS: with a baby on the way, you have a very limited time to regain the trust that you think she should have on you. Work towards it sincerely and quickly; once the baby comes the swirling hormones, lack of sleep and mood swings arent going to help your cause. Your child needs a lot of harmony to grow well inside and out. So do hurry up and find solutions without playing the blame game.
     
    6 people like this.
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,627
    Likes Received:
    22,972
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    Absolutely agree with guesshoo here.

    Op...firstly....regarding your in laws-They are financially irresponsible people.Don't ever put yourself in a position where you have to depend on them to do something with you.Either you do everything or you let them take care of it the way they want. This is for the various ceremonies that you may have to do in future.Working with them will only build more resentment.

    As for your marital problem- the biggest problem seems to be your completely different personalities.While you seem to be a very organized,in control regimented guy....your wife is a very different person.

    From your posts it looks like you are the father and she is a child...or more like you are her teacher. She is an adult and your wife. You have made a certain plan and a frame work for the way you want your life to be and you expect your wife to join this framework like lego pieces. Things don't work like that .....humans don't work like that.You can't tell her how both your lives have to be ...you have find out with her.

    While it is good that you are organized and regimented in some ways ...like finance ...you can try to be less regimented when it comes to emotions. Be her friend,her lover ,her companion.....rather than being the organizer or regulator.
    Be more spontaneous and impulsive with her....show her love physically and in words.


    If she or you have problems...sit with her and find a solution with her...don't try to be the one to sort it out.Don't expect all solutions to work immediately. Some may never work....that is life...you live with some differences,she will live with some.


    Don't control her interaction with other people in her life. Don't put boundaries there.Don't stop her from going to her parents place. You live with your parents ...don't you? She is the one has left her home...she obviously will have the urge to go there .You would too if you had left home to go to her place.If and when she finds more love and happiness in your house,she will reduce going to her house. You can't stop her and keep her happy at the same time. I understand the doctor asked her not to travel...but you could have left her in the car yourself making sure she was comfortable.

    There are other ways you could have handled it. Tell her about the medical condition but also tell her how you don't like being away from her now. How you miss her when you are at office and how you yearn to come to her and hug her.Tell her you want to spend maximum time with her during her pregnancy .Tell her you miss her and the baby inside her.Make her feel you want her with you because you love her so much.

    Don't stop your wife from venting about little problems.....venting is like the whistles on a pressure cooker.If the pressure becomes too much...releasing it a bit prevent a biggest out burst. Slowly...try to be her friend so that she comes to you with her problems.

    If your wife is a stay at home wife ...then you should have asked her to take on more responsibility at home. But right now is not the time...once the baby is a bit older....let her to take on a more active role. Let your mom and her divide the house work and baby care between them.

    What you can do right now is.....let her stay at her parents place till she wants. Talk to her a few times every day. Tell her you are happy that she is happy. If possible,visit her during weekends. Talk to her about the baby and make plans together. Make her believe you love her and miss her very much.Let her know how much you miss her physical presence in your life. Make her yearn for the same. For now...avoid any topics that cause friction. smile and tell her...you both can work on any problem because you love each other...for now she should just stay happy.

    Try to make sure she is around her parents during child birth and early post pregnancy.Tell her and her mom,she needs her mom around at a time like this. you will earn a lot of brownie points. Try to be a part of the child birth at her place. Go stay with her.....change diapers ,feed her food ,hold the baby so that she can sleep. If your parents object...tell them you want to be a part of her and baby's life at a time like this. Your wife will love you and respect you much more for this. A lot of possible problems between her and your mom will be prevented.

    If parents are not happy....remember they are your parents and will(should) get over it.....parents never become ex parents.

    Best wishes Op...this is a wonderful time in your life(early marriage time)....try to make the most of it because you may have many more wonderful times ahead of you ...but this special time will never return...not even for a billion $.:thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2014
    5 people like this.
  9. iammyself

    iammyself Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    24
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Re: How would you deal if your spouse is immature & does not openly communicate feeli

    Thanks everyone for the replies. I missed posting that my FIL was apologetic the evening after the morning's incident and we tried to improve the relationship over the last 4 weeks.

    Thanks for your reply. I came to know about these issues from in-laws itself and not my wife which was the reason for my resentment.


    I think HM topic would not arise again. I mentioned this because it was used against me by MIL on the day of incident telling my mom that they spent 1M (0.58% of my wedding related expenditure) on my wife's clothes for HM. In the first month we were given the new couple special treatment. Later on it was due to timings, health issues and pregnancy, she was almost away from kitchen on her own and not intentionally kept away by me. You are spot on about me being over protective and even I felt the same thinking back now. Will definitely cut down my expectations and give her more space.

    Thanks for taking time to reply and sorry for the lengthy post. In short, I was ranting about my wife informing her parents about the issues she had here at her martial home without even attempting to discuss or atleast communicate any of those with me directly while I always trusted that she would first reach me.

    Yep I am pretty confident about this and waiting for the same :)

    Yes, I worked extra in the first three months and managed to clear the loan off and don't really have any major financial issues now since then.

    Initially we planned to have the delivery at a different city at one of the best hospitals (TBD together from the short listed ones recommended on IL and other Google reviews) and one that:

    • has doctors with good feedback and prefer a normal delivery when medically feasible
    • allows a family member (either me or MIL as per my wife's choice) during labour
    • offers an epidural / painless delivery options to my wife if she opts for it on the D day.
    • has experience with cord blood and tissue (stem cell) banking
    • can provide personalised care and availability of good postnatal counsellors and pediatricians


    As per our initial plans, I was to pay for the medical / relocation expenses and was preparing myself financially for the same. But suddenly after the incident my wife made an emotional decision to get delivered at a hospital here in Hyd so her parents are not inconvenienced due to her delivery and their parents will pay for the delivery as per tradition. I even agreed to this despite knowing this would mean a compromise in the initial selection criteria just so she will be happy. Few days later my wife asked if I can pay 50K towards medicals (probably after getting quotes/projections or thinking about her parents financial situation) but I politely refused and explained her my idea of investing the amount into child growth plans for education as I no longer want to work together financially with in-laws.

    Will definitely budget for unexpected expenses right from now on. Thanks a lot again.

    Correct. I tend to give too much importance to logic and practicality.

    Will definitely try this out and leave it to her to arrive at a solution :)

    This was only after the doc's recommendation. I just didn't want her to worry too much about the thyroid issue as stress is also a contributing factor. We did visit her parents often prior to pregnancy.

    Thanks for putting this straight. Yes, I knew she was feeling trapped especially without the weekend outings she was used to prior to marriage. I will definitely not bring up the previous issues and now that she is in her second trimester, will check up with the gyn in the upcoming visit about resuming outings. Your post is really helpful as I was looking for different views.

    Sure thing. Already left the delivery options completely to them as mentioned above.

    I will reduce my over protective nature and let her be herself. Yes, I live with my parents and I can definitely understand the home sickness part which was why I never objected her visits and went along prior to pregnancy. Post pregnancy, MIL wanted my wife to not visit them until they follow their "chalimidi" tradition in 3rd/5th month. What I tried was to just extend 3 months by just a couple of weeks so even the doc's recommendation is also fulfilled.

    I had finally informed her about the medical reason and showed her the doc's mention of "Complicated pregnancy with hypothyroidism" and his other recommendations along with test reports.

    The above lines were an exact match as if you had seen our life in the last one month :) She told me that she will be back today and I'm looking forward to it.

    Yes, I told her she can go back again in the 7th month after the baby shower function.

    Thanks a lot for taking time to reply :)
     
    5 people like this.

Share This Page