1. Want to be a Positive Parent? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How To Understand My Teen

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by happygirl, Aug 6, 2022.

  1. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Great kudos to you sir and wow to your son. Wishing we will be also in same path soon, tks for your inputs and wishes.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  2. candidheart

    candidheart IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,961
    Likes Received:
    6,027
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, I too have a teen, and I can understand your concern.

    But you need to understand, teenage is a very crucial and sensitive stage for parents as well as children. they go through a lot of changes physically and mentally. They are in their molding stage. it is in the the way we shape them for future. It is in our hands.
    we as parents should handle things in a more matured way. we need to more flexible and be ready to change our approach in getting things straight. Being too strict and cutting down everything at once can lead to undesired results. it could scar them deeply, which we want to avoid. we should always remember they are young and will not have the same maturity as us.

    don't get me wrong OP, just helping you to try to see this differently, think about it, when people point out that you should have handled differently or giving advice, u are unable to receive that in the right sense it was intended and take it as being judgemental about your parenting. Imagine it is the same for a kid, he cannot receive everything you say, the same way you intend him to take. if as adults we can make mistakes,he is just a growing kid.

    I can only see the love and concern for your son in @sandya 's post and many others, just the same feeling I had immediately reading your post, wanting to help you both.

    My son is also addicted to games at the same time excels in his studies.
    Somethings I do with my son, that you can try as well. So give him space, be there for him, shower all your love and concentrate on him. every time you get to speak try to instill good values, keep reinforcing how much you trust him to be a good responsible boy. keep appreciating him for doing well in his studies, tell him you are letting him relax with games as long as he is getting good grades, and as long as he can mange both well. if he doesn't interact much, tell him you miss talking to him. try to go out with him and do things that he likes. implement positive reinforcement by rewarding with food or gifts when he does good things. Also keep a check on the games he is playing and who he is playing with. I lightly insert everynow and then as a matter of fact, the ill effects of getting too addicted to something, and how will power is important to get out of it etc. I tell him oh i am getting addicted to you tube/online videos and tell him that I am going to change it etc andgoing to take up gardening or something as distraction...just so he knows everyone can get addicted but we should put an effort to get out of it.

    Don't forget the focus should be on us, on how we adapt on each situation and handle things to have the outcome we want. Once we get through this stage without causing a lot of hard feelings/scarring for each other.. the kids will start seeing us for what we have give them and start appreciating us. we can be a lil patient until they get there. Like others said, Don't take anything too personally and to heart.
    All the best OP. much love to your son and you to get through this successfully!
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2022
    Laks09, Gauri03 and happygirl like this.
  3. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,926
    Likes Received:
    11,261
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear @happygirl ,

    hang in there! I know you are doing your best and it is even more heartening that you are conversing here and with the counselor. I wrote to you from the perspective of a teacher and what I usually notice with families (not Indian) - I understand that you are doing everything. The truth though is that this is a long term project. There will be ups and downs, one method may work one day and another another day and I know sharing here is one way for you to deal with those and please do. We are all here to support you.

    Two things have to happen simultaneously - Your son has to feel the joy of doing other activities and for that to happen he has to stop the games and actively participate. It is hard at this point for him and you as well. No body will ever tell you that taking away, going cold turkey will help him. So the counselor is right - limiting seems to be the way and when you do that, I understand your son may ask what now?

    Then, don't hesitate to ask him about the game he just completed, what he felt and coax him to see how he feels after stopping and why or don't hesitate to say we can do whatever else you want to do. If he doesn't want to share encourage him to write.

    I am assuming school is in session, he does his work well, keeps up the grades and it is the spare time that you are talking about. I have had students and brilliant ones who finish their work in one quarter of the designated time if I say that you will get your screen time if you finish this task. I learnt pretty quickly that that will not work - so I do not practice reward system at all in my classroom and give some time on their devices during the day. I do have parents reaching out to me often, explaining the measures they have in place at home and asking for my help and co-operation. The reason I am mentioning this is to tell you please do seek out his teachers and others who can help you with this - it has to be a team effort. You don't have to let your son know, you don't have to tell the teachers everything and share what you feel comfortable. But having a team helps you! Give it time, continue with the patience and it will all work out.
     
    happygirl and Laks09 like this.
  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    9,537
    Likes Received:
    10,377
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Male
    I arrived on a working day to mānnï’s M home. My brother and his elder son away to office school respectively. Her younger son V of three years and her domestic help home.
    M was busy in kitchen with elaborate cooking as i have come to her home after three to four years.
    The kid V was restive; and dodging the domestic help was throwing his solid handable toys here and there and a few narrowly missed the playing tv and a mirrored show case.
    This behaviour enraged but this turned me pensive.

    I endearingly called V and crumbled old newspaper into a huge ball and told him to catch as I threw it at him.

    A bit of lull and then he wanted to bat with it. I rolled another set of news papers and told him to use it as a bat. For few moments he was happy batting and i remained bowler.

    His destructive energy suitable for army channelised and i turned very dear to him. He was clinging to me the whole day, as i kept him interested in many enigmatic things that included playing mouthorgan and
    Origami.

    He was busy with scissors and old news paper!

    Today after nearing four decades, he is an engineer founder of his own tech company in chennai bringing in HUGE revenue in $ from USA. HE WAS MENTIONING of my technique to bring him around used for taming his sons now. His elder son participated in mamallapuram chess which ended yesterday.
     
    happygirl likes this.
  5. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    @candidheart,

    Oh dear I never want to underestimate anyone efforts who is trying to help us, that day I was a bit low so that is my opinion I gave on 1 Sandya post. See our mind recieve perception differently, when we were in tough situation. I was waiting someone will understand me completely and atleast tell i was not on completely wrong path.

    Really I appreciate each and everyone who is taking time to help me and my son overcome this situation. And your inputs gives a confidence that we will also come to this point where we will be happy. In my previous posts I clearly mentioned his teacher also said we r going in wrong direction by completely cutting of games. But as we took the step just suggesting to go with the flow and take care of my son completely.

    No amount of motivation is effecting him, that's why I posted here and now learnt not too take anything personally from my son's mouth. Its most of his harmones.

    Will sail the boat confidently.
     
    candidheart and Viswamitra like this.
  6. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    @Srama
    Tks dear yes we r communicating with the teacher. Till now never went to counsellor because teacher suggesting observe for two more months then will see if nothing works,then we will refer to school counsellor. Just its my thinking after going to counselling we will give back his games with clear instructions.

    Yes he going to school and yes he was very smart and active boy now becoming completely lazy, life is just not about games and grades. They are other enjoyments he is missing that's why i worried. Even if i try to motivate him to join new group of friends he is not interested.
    Maybe he is feeling shy sometimes getting him move out of home is big task. Before covid he was completely different though he used to play online games he always with his set of friends everyday in nearby park.

    The question what to do after games, is before 1 month when he playing continuously. But now he mostly on mobile or on TV watching his favourite movies.

    Really tks for ur inputs once he is interested to comeout of gaming zone all these things will really help me how to understand my boy.

    Thank you once again
     
    Srama and Viswamitra like this.
  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    747
    Likes Received:
    981
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    dear @happygirl . Communicating with school. I am not sure where do you live. If in USA , please do make sure to mention that this will not recorded in his school recommendations letters to colleges. I am 1st gen immigrant here too, so sometimes too confused with the college process here. you do not want invite bigger issues while reaching out to this document oriented society.

    also this is great thread. my house has younger kids. my dh has screaming matches with Son daily. he is even younger 11. 2 things we did. atleast it takes 2 hours from his time. put him in music class. and DH also learning from udemy. So son gets jealous when dh practise and then wants to use the instrument.

    i am going running and cycling. i push him to come with me. i cannot micro manage. also over interference, he might start sharing things with outside people.
     

Share This Page