How To Understand My Teen

In my experience,' democracy' works better than " dictactorship' with my kids (not teens yet). We need to give them space to express their opinions, listen to them, involve them in decision making. It makes them more responsible. My ds if gets upset due to my h's comnands ,come to me and express his anger or whatever. So I explain bith sides and why he is wrong, but a hug make him cool down. So I believe, mothers can act as a sink.
It will give us opportunity to correct them. At the same time, they should know very well that they are kids and we are parents, not the other way. Imposing a consequence for bad actions too is important. Take respect by giving respect.
When I was in my teens, I had similar attitude, if my parents schold ( very rarely ) me I used to get a feeling that they dont love me, its not true, may be the effect of hormones, make them believe they are their boss not others.
Your son is smart, doing well in his studies, so handle him with love and patience. May be he dont have control over these reactions. Create an attitude that you are there for him, you love him, but only issue is towards his behavior. So he will soon realise the difference. I am sure he will be fine. You too. They struggle to express or communicate better, they will learn it.

So, dont take his tantrumns to heart. Change the way you look at it. Also, dont give so much importance to the birthday event you mentioned, consider it as a communication issue, he expressed his frustration this way. Its his way of protest against you guys. You need to find a way to cool him down. In my case, hugs, jokes etc work, but sometimes I have to give them time to vent every thing themselves by giving them space and time. Next day, I behave as normal, but my h takes time. So accept individual differences too.

 

Dear @happygirl ,

I am glad you have gotten so much help from parents here on this forum! Others may have said too and at the cost of repeating, I wanted to offer a couple of suggestions for you. First thing I would like to say is talking with a counselor is not a bad idea but it might help your teen with his self esteem if you can go meet with her (him) by yourself/ves and get some strategies to help you.

I teach middle school, love doing it and this is a constant subject of discussion between parents/teachers, teachers/teachers and students/teachers. While talking about the subject one time, one of my students raised his hand and said, "Mrs.S, everyone is on our case to get off of our electronics but nobody teaches us how!" It is a moment I have not forgotten. Pointing the problem out without giving tools to cope is not fair to them. And I completely understand that this is an issue that we as parents/adults/teachers are yet to learn to understand - we grew up in a different world after all. But that doesn't mean we cannot be present for them or learn ourselves as we help them learn.

I also feel that many a teen are mostly under a radar constantly and they feel judged - even teens who do do well are made to feel like they are teachers' pets or little miss perfects etc! When we see a problem we react from our perspective and experience and it is only natural. But I see showing them that we will walk the walk with you, will make a tremendous amount of difference to them. That said, a couple of things that you can do -

Your daughter is old enough now. So figure out a way where you can actually spend sometime with your son alone. It helps more if both of you do that separately. Perhaps one parent can take care of the little one while the other takes the boy out. A simple routine like let's grab ice cream and walk and another routine with the other parent can help. It will make a tremendous difference to have that one on one connection and hopefully he will begin to open up with either of you or both of you.

Even doing a simple thing like watching a TV show that he likes with him on a routine basis like 'mother/son time' or 'father/son' together will help. You are doing what he likes (watching TV) and you are willing to watch a show that he likes. Even playing the games he plays with him and saying something like I"I don't know how you do this (in a positive way)" will open a channel for communication. My students get a kick out of the fact that I am so terrible! I also play with them during recess (not all the time, it has be a treat no?) and it is amazing the transformation I see in them and students who are shy also come and join.

Getting him on board with a hobby that either of you have can help - not to do it but perhaps asking his opinion, advice even sometimes (like if you paint) etc. May be one of you can make biking a hobby on daily basis and take him along. Even signing up for a say a 5k walk with a group of his friends and doing with them, may be a teen book club or a drawing club or a board game club etc.....

Helping him find a mentor (and not using that word with him) is also hugely helpful - a teacher, need not be academic just a person he thinks he can bounce off thoughts. I say this because what they say about needing a village to raise a child is true. While we want to do everything for our child, we also have to learn to be grateful when we can find that support system. An aunty who learns Sanskrit with me taught me this Telugu term "perati vaidyam" - backyard medicine I believe and I find that the phrase profoundly explains a lot. We do tend to take what we have for granted. So, it is okay to get help to get the same results.

Most teens in my opinion are looking for a connection with the world around them and are figuring their way out. They are also closely observing us, adults in their lives subconsciously and it is up to us as to how we project ourselves. Most of us are busy with a myriad things - but we definitely have to make time for our kids and I am not saying we don't but make time in such a way that it is worthwhile. It is a lot of work but to get results we do have to put in the work no?

Please do excuse me if I have repeated - I just read your last update and happy to see that things are improving and I would recommend not sharing with your husband the card episode. It is not going to help anyone and in the bigger scheme of things, trust me if I say you will forget the incident. Best wishes!

Oopsies, I just realized you asked how to understand your teen and I ended up offering suggestions that may not address that! But then, who can understand a teen?

 

Please find attached a class I had conducted in 2021 about how to maintain purity online as part of my moral classes. This lesson was taken for the children in the age group of 13-17 and majority of them were girls. In the class, I have also taught them the danger of leaving their mobile phone unattended anywhere they go including their classroom. This I am sharing for the benefit of other parents as well and not necessarily for @happygirl.

 

@happygirl I'm sorry you are going through this
I know how it feels to be helpless when you exactly know what is the problem and our kids cannot see what we see.
It is hard place to be in. Please have a support system who are non-judgemental about your venting.
If it helps reading few books in the subject see if you can try somethings at home.
I understand your husband is busy but if he can spare sometime in the weekends see if they can have a coffee date or lunch date. I hope it is just a phase. Considering he is academically inclined I'm sure there will be find something else he will be passionate about. But till that time be kind to yourself. We all have faced one or other challenges post pandemic. I have decided to let certain things slide which I wouldn't have considered pre pandemic but issue in your hand is not something to be ignored. I have to bribe so much to bring my second one out of home activities after pandemic. Have you tested his vision ? Sometimes doctors telling them to reduce screen time helps too. I assume if you for yearly physical they do ask the hours of screen time and usually they refer you to appropriate specialist. Have you taken him to his doctor recently ?

 

After repeated fracture in forearm A stopped playing foot ball with his pals and he shifted from outdoor to indoor games. He was brisk alert while but after fracture he remained indoors and reticent and tad despondent.
He was otherwise brilliant in class .
To make him alright and regain confidence and to overcome gloominess parents advised him to go and mix and mingle with his pals. But he said no.
Then parents of A began going out early morning ( it was summer) around 5 and returned at 7. They were in sports attire that suits playing shuttle.
Yhe boy was watching them their this routine. He too began leaving with them in the morning and began playing in the company of parents family friends and their siblings. After few weeks, he turned jubilant enthused and his previous outdoor activities commenced. Parents stopped going for morning shuttle practice but A not only continued with shuttle but emerged winner in school and other inter school competitions.
I am A 'a Dad.
OP can take a leaf out of this anecdote.
Wish Op & her boy all the best .
Regards.

 

I understand your thoughts. Due to our busy life we wont spend much time with them on daily basis. What else they can do? I tell them its ok if feel bored( usual complaint). Each parent may need to spend time in addition to family time. Are we doing that. I try my level best to have a mother - ds/ dd time. But to some extent we are also responsible for their game or other addictions. They have lot of energy in teen age, we need to create channels to divert it. May be hobbies or activities etc. I am also learning new things as a parent.