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How To Understand My Teen

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by happygirl, Aug 6, 2022.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @happygirl - This seems like typical teen “ache” as I call it.

    I’ve often wondered how they can be so rude at home and be angels to these aunties outside. Aunties are always saying what a nice child, you have no reason to complain, look at how good etc!

    Know that your son is not doing anything drastic that requires you to be stressed. He’s trying to push his boundaries a little and he’s also mad that he can’t do what he wants when he wants.

    I agree with everything posters above me have said. Teens do not respond well to strictly enforced discipline as much as they do to calm but firm handling. Gaming is addictive. It needs to be handled so you are on the right track there. I’ve noticed that boys because of their make up are hard to break away from their gaming screens. Giving him a time limit to spend on games, having him do the negotiating with you are all good things to consider. Maybe you can compromise on more game time over the weekend or on holidays but never unlimited.

    Since he’s already a good student, look at extra curricular activities for him and enroll him in them. Don’t make it a must do. Have a conversation with him and bring it out of him. I’ve noticed boys playing basketball and cricket with their dads around here. Some are even fishing around the lake. See if he’s open to the idea of spending time outside the house with his Dad. That could take him away from the game and give him the physical benefits as well. Usually I see a group of 2/3 dads and kids playing together. If it were my son, I would make it about dad needing exercise and not having any motivation to go out. I would give him the job of making dad workout daily.

    Don’t worry too much about the rudeness and don’t take it personally. Definitely give him a consequence for it but know that it’s his hormones. I got this advice from a friend and it helped me immensely during the early teen phases.
     
  2. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you each and everyone who replied taking out your time to help a stranger.

    As everyone mentioned we tried everything like enrolling him in the class he is interested, but he is not interested in anything other than online games, here I need to mention the games he is playing is not on his mobile its on laptop, and as far as I observed its game called fotnite as mentioned by someone.

    If its just one hour we r not that much concerned, but one hour will get dragged to 3hours or more he keeps saying 10 more minutes until it get on my nerves.

    And aftermath of shutting games continues for 1 hour more. Its getting difficult to tackle his mood swings he spoils everyone's mood. He is very expert in this.

    Later we came to agreement just he will play in weekend . We clearly told him, He understood as it's from Friday evening to Sunday, so he nodded his head and agreed.

    Later we also ok with it for some two weeks but it's like weekends are completely dedicated for his games except meal times, he completes work given by teacher that's it.

    He is not interested to go anywhere, if we want to go anywhere he says you people go I'm not to coming. Even if we say today we will go out tomorrow you will play games.

    Lots and lots of explanation and arguments everytime we want him to engage in some other things other than gaming be it family outing, or playing badminton with mom in near by park or enrolling him in some activity classes.

    He starts with question why and it's a never ending battle explaining him patiently. After everything he just simply says no.

    No amount of motivation is affecting him, his brain is occupied with only game game.

    And I need to mention now the onus of taking care of family is completely is on my shoulders( I'm a homemaker) as my husband started business as free lancer and he is completely occupied with his new career.

    We cannot predict when my husband will have free time and when he will be busy. So outings we plan will be always unplanned we cannot inform my son beforehand.
     
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  3. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Continuation to the above

    So only we decided to take this drastic step and its not easy for me. And when we informed to his teacher she also told its not a good idea to suddenly cut off games completely like you all mentioned.

    But there is no other go first his brain should be out of games, then only we can make him understand the other things.

    Its almost 1mont we stopped his laptop games,
    Now mostly he is with his phone watching tiktok, playing mobile games and watching movies in Netflix or Disney plus.

    His teacher said take complete care of him and tackle him patiently as we already cut off games.

    She said if in another three months also he is not changing his ways and any emotional drawback symptoms she will refer to school counselor and sees how it goes
     
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  4. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Once again thanks a ton to each and everyone.

    And please help me understand how to motivate him to enrol in some classes or getting engaged in physical activities.

    He is not interested to read books also and he is against coming for a walk also.

    And as you all mentioned keeping the communication open, any tips on this.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @happygirl - Seems like he is having serious withdrawal when he isn’t able to play his game. That’s unfortunately the hallmark of gaming addiction.

    What does he do on weekdays when he cannot access this game? What does he come back from school and do? Has he found ways to bypass your system and play it on the phone or elsewhere?

    It isn’t a bad idea to go to a counselor yourself and get some tips on getting help for your son. All of this is causing you as the primary parent to undergo tremendous stress. It will be impactful for you in the long run. A neutral third party can help you analyze your own reactions and help you. I’ve experienced that when it’s our own kids and their issues we are dealing with, talking about it with the husband only increased both our stress levels. It always helps to consult someone and it’s best to talk to a counselor who knows about gaming addictions and how it can harm growing teens.

    If I were you, I would buy the signal blocker and turn it on at home periodically so no device would work. I hope it is legal to use in your country. Once you do that, it will force him to leave his phone for a while.

    I think what is happening is he is unable to stop thinking about this game even when he isn’t having access to it. Unfortunately, he cannot control this anymore. He probably knows what’s going on but is powerless to let go of his impulse. This is why he is using all his resources to push back. Keeping on top of school work alone is not sufficient anymore. He is at risk by being so addicted to the game that he cannot stop. It is good that the teacher knows so she can keep an eye on interpersonal relationships in school and inform you if anything is amiss.

    Be kind to him and to yourself. You are both dealing with a tough situation. I think you are at the point where you do need the external help. Get it sooner than later. It may be in his best interest too. It’s best to break the habit sooner than later.

    I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope there was more I could say but seems like you are in a very tough situation. All I can say is that take it one day at a time and don’t take any of this personally.
     
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  6. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

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    @Laks09 thank you dear for your kind words, as far as I know he didn't bypass us to play that game as he goes to only school and back to home, and the game he is playing in laptop is difficult to play on mobile, he himself told this and I'm sure about it.

    His school is 5days a week and in that 3days he having co extra curricular activities so he only left with two days in weekdays. He finishes his home work and sit and watch TV or watching his mobile.

    No dear I cannot install any signal blocker as most of the time my husband will do remote assistance related to his work.

    His office was in our home its a startup started before 2 years its another battle for him.

    Tks dear will definitely see to it to go to a counsellor including myself but keeping it as a last resort as his class teacher mentioned.

    As of now I relieved my stress sharing with you all, I'm battling this thing for nearly 9 months.
    And I'm just praying to God to give all the courage and strength to my son to overcome to this situation. I will through his thin and thick as a mother until he needs my assistance.

    Will update you all once we overcome this situation tks a ton for your soothing words it means a lot to me.
     
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  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @happygirl,

    That is why I precisely asked whether he played Fortnite. It is played internationally by many teens all over the world (mostly the children from middle to high school) and your son is not the only boy playing. As you know every such game is addictive as it is built with many instant gratifications.

    One of my moral class student went through the same. He won many math awards and was a state champion in swimming. He also played musical instruments. When COVID hit, he was not able to pursue any outdoor activities. His school was online. Being a brilliant boy, he finished all his home work in no time and started playing Fortnite for long hours everyday. His parents were concerned and requested me to help him. He joined my class and in the first class itself I told him to test water in my class and continue only if he liked the class. I have packed my classes with a lot of activities that were interesting for him including Kahoot quiz on the lessons taught for the day. I had a special class explaining the danger of social media and other games that provide instant gratification and how it impacted mental development.

    There are classes where I asked him to talk on some topics and also asked him to use his technology knowledge. He got fully engaged for a year. All my classes were online. He performed so well academically and got admission in 4 private high schools. He also gradually and willfully dropped his playing time. He is now teaching math to other students. He also got help from a professional for a period of time. After COVID, he is back into all his outside activities. The parents also took him out to another city for a period of time to change his environment. He s now close to his parents and his sister. He is still playing the game but at least aware of risks associated with instant gratification. Don’t hesitate to seek help to set him free from his addiction. I am sure he will turnaround quickly. Instead of the parents pulling him out of the game, the best option is for him to come to the conclusion that there are risks in playing games.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2022
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Do whatever works to help you alleviate the pressure. Raising children and dealing with the pressures of parenting teens is probably the most underrated and yet the hardest job there is out there.
     
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  9. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Gold IL'ite

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    @happygirl
    I am sorry to hear about the situation with your kid.

    Lot of good advices so far, but we can also see that your situation is hard. I don't have anything drastic to add than what has been said so far.

    James Clear has a quote: It is not necessary to change a person, change the environment instead. To read more on this go here

    You kid was in good track and covid happened. His environment changed and his habits go worse. Now, you will have to take the opposite direction.

    We are all clear that he needs to stop his game addiction. But what will he replace it with. I am not challenging you here but thinking with you. It is important he has a viable alternative.

    According to me it is not important that his grades are good, it is more important for him to grow as a person and build his character.

    I feel you did the right thing in cutting the gaming outright. You have to find the right thing to replace it with. If it is social activity where he gets to see others it might be the best change in environment. There will be resistance, but you will have to persist.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2022
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  10. happygirl

    happygirl Bronze IL'ite

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    @Thoughtful

    That will be a very drastic step if I suddenly cut from every thing say like school and go to India. I know you also want to help me and giving suggestions but it may back fire.

    Thanks dear I will definitely keep in my back the Idea and hopefully thinking that he never pushes to that option. If necessary we see how it goes with counselling and then think about it. Tks lot of you all supporting me taking drastic step of cutting games but cautioning me it may back fire. Will keep everything in mind.
     
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