How to tell in-laws that you would like to live separtely

Silvershine · Oct 15, 2015

I moved from US almost an year ago with kids and my husband travels hence my in-laws stay with me. They are nice people but a lot of interference in our lives where I feel suffocated that I'm living in someone else house and not mine. My mom in law would like to interfere in each and everything from kids, servants etc.... Sometimes my fil also starts with servants, and with house hold activities, kids. And Most of the time I give deaf ear but sometimes it gets too much to handle and I communicated my feelings to hubby and told him that I can manage kids and house by myself and would like to live separately. He says he has no issues talking to his parents but eventually everyone will start taking bad about you. I feel that it's better to tell them and people will talk for few days and stop rather than feeling suffocated and irritated everyday living with them. I feel I need my space so please let me know if I'm wrong in my thinking.

pinky21 · Oct 15, 2015

hi,
It happens for every single person who are shifting from overseas and getting back to home town. i have a few questions before giving my opinions,
1. are you working?
2.how old are ur children? are they going to school
3. u say ur Husband travel frequently, how far do u think it would be safe for u to stay alone with ur children.

I can very well understand ur issues and emotional trauma's that are caused by elders interference in each and every activity. but once to take a step and move out of them i would want you think that there could NEver be any Looking Back option..

your views are right again.. we don't live for the society but more than the society and the backbites. but just have a second thought on how u can handle them without shifting.. if there are no possibilities then move on with ur decisions..
stay blessed

Silvershine · Oct 15, 2015

pinky21 said: ↑

hi,
Thanks Pinky21 for your input. Below are the answers to the questions asked
1. are you working?
Currently, I'm stay at home mom. I quit my job after moving to India
2.how old are ur children? are they going to school
One is a teenager and the other is in preteens
3. u say ur Husband travel frequently, how far do u think it would be safe for u to stay alone with ur children.
my husband visits us every 4 months and starts for couple months. I live in a gated apartments so security is not an issue and it's very safe area.
I know that there could NEver be any Looking Back option if I live separately and I think that's what fears my husband too. My husband is very supportive and tells me to ignore everyone and just do what I feel like doing. Mostly that's what I try to do but as u know 2 women can never run the same kitchen. Sometimes, they really get on my nerves and I feel like telling them it's my home not yours so just let me run it... And the worst part is most of my friends and my mom s family never visit me because my in-laws stay with me and they don't feel comfortable visiting me. So, it's me visiting them always.
By the way my bil family also lives in the same city but they don't stay there for more than couple days because they don't feel comfortable around sil.....so, sometimes I do feel sad for my in-laws but when they interfere in my life I feel like telling them that I want to live separately.
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Jas8085 · Oct 15, 2015

I think its cruel. Its almost like kicking them out. (Assuming they are nice ppl and they dont cause fights etc or treat you badly). You should have stayed separately from day1 of your return. If you move out, they will also face embarassment explaining to relatives etc.

Can your husband have a private honest chat with them about interference and see if it reduces?

Ragini25 · Oct 16, 2015

Kicking them out will cause a bad name and difficulties to deal with H relationship also. Key is to understand privacy is different in US versus India. Now that you are in India, try to learn to be more flexible and also politely have a conversation with them to allow you to do some things your way.

Diplomacy is key for indian relationships especially in india. Not bluntness.

A lot of people deal with monsters in law, your inlaws are nice people so you can certainly make some adjustments on your part and also have some polite talk with them expressing the need to do some things your way.

Silvershine · Oct 16, 2015

I know that was the biggest mistake from my side. I should have stayed separately from day 1.
My husband had told them multiple times that I'm very independent and can manage things all by myself and not to interfere in my life. They always say okay but it's never okay. A recent incident that happened - my in-laws along with bil family went to a place and they wanted me and kids to come and I politely told them I never believe in all these so we are not coming. Then, they called my husband and told him that we are not coming so my hubby told them "please don't tell me because she doesn't believe in all these and I don't think she will come".so, finally they along with bil family went (happy for them ) and after they got back my mil started telling all relatives and who ever came to our house that she didn't come but my elder son family came blah blah.... And I didn't bother but what triggered me was that my mil tells my kids that we all had so much fun, your cousins also came but you guys missed it because your mother didn't allow you to come. I got so mad at them but I didn't say anything to them I had to explain it to my kids why we didn't go. Incidents like these drive me nuts and wish I lived separately.

Vedhavalli · Oct 16, 2015

Please try to live in a separate house very close by may be in same gated commnunity or 5-10 min travel.
Give the reason as - your kids school/more space you will need since they hit teens..they would need separate room etc.
I had so much inlaw issues, we moved out saying, we will stay close to our work places, commuting took 4 hours daily. Though relatives and inlaws backbited , now after 2 years, they stopped.
Simple.

pinky21 · Oct 16, 2015

Silvershine

I go with Ms.Vedhavalli[FONT=Tahoma, Geneva, Arial, sans-serif] . she has put into words what I was thinking after reading your previous post to the questions you have asked.. plz don't ever bother about the relatives talks..their talk comes and goes.. at the end it is you who is going to face things happening around you. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, Geneva, Arial, sans-serif]since you have critically analysed all the pro's and con's of living separately you can proceed further with your Husband's support.

on an other note kids in teen normally get away from parents.. Its the psychology of the age.. so plz ensure that ur PIL are not playing any game, like the incident of visiting some place you have mentioned in your post. U cannot keep behind them and give explanations to kids every time..

hope everything gets settled soon for you...[/FONT]

SGBV · Oct 16, 2015

This social taboo of house breaker will not last forever. Once you are settled, and still helpful to your PILs, everything would be all right then.

Dont waste your life for such talks, which should have no value in your life.

Ask your husband to give any reasonable reasons to have a nuclear family set up. Give it to him, as he was ok to speak.
Be polite and nice with in laws. If they directly ask you anything, then tell them it is both of your decision for some privacy as well as practical reasons. Eg: Want to experience the life alone, take the responsibilities alone etc...

Look for a house near PILs, so that they wont feel abandoned all of a sudden. Initially visit them frequently, and invite them to your house often. Later it will automatically reduced. So the transition would be smooth with no heart break.

Silvershine · Oct 16, 2015

Thank you all for your inputs. Will definitely talk with hubby first and let's see how it goes. I really like the idea of them moving into another apartment near by. Will keep you posted . Thanks