How To Tell I Need My Space

Reesha · Mar 9, 2020

Hi all,
I knew some people will hate me once after reading my post. May scold.. But I don't care.
After 9yr of living with in-laws summary of my journey is

1. I have extra cooking work and compulsory schedule based life due to their illness.
2. No freedom to wear shorts and the shirts or any other fashion things due to generation gap
3. No privacy time with husband except sex time
4. Putting their head in every aspect of my dream home
5. Extra house management to reach their traditional beliefs
6. Not even getting help in caring children because all time they are old aged, so need to hire extra care takers and maids, so extra finance
7. My husband turns as kid instead of men and will stop helping me at kitchen/kids caring if they are in. He thought they are helping me which not true in reality.

After fighting for 5yr, my husband realised how our outskirts home is ruining lifestyle because of traffic and distance. He finally agreed to shift from own apartment to rental one in middle of city which is near to school and office.
My husband is primary culprit who plays dual drama with me and with his parents. Finally I am able to move to new home with basic cookware and told them that I will pre arrange things at new place to avoid burden of large furniture and arrangements shifting process. But truth is I need my personal space where I can remember my golden days at least in future. So I can wear my shorts and shirts, I can simplify foods and can order my favorites.
Can enjoy my night walk which is not possible due to cooking and kitchen cleaning works if in-laws are present.

Finally I need my authority to handle my home, live my life as per my wish, and plain strong love with partner instead of burning myself with over work and less privacy.

Now they are in hurry of packing luggage at old house and wanted to move hear. Because they want my service and everything well managed house right along with playtime with kids.

Because of rent added as extra, my husband opposing to hire bunch of maids like there. He is expecting me to take that burden.

Ladies what is solution. How to tell them, I need my space and freedom to live my life as per my wish. How to make them understand it's not about hating them, it about liking myself.

Meghaa · Mar 9, 2020

Most importantly - dont feel guilty or worried that others will judge you. That feeling within you will sabotage any steps you take towards self-care! You deserve some downtime, independence , freedom and privacy. EVERYONE does. We are all trying to balance commitments, goals and needs.

Coming to managing husband and in-laws :
Do not make it a big bang declaration! Don't see any good coming out of it. Dont yank the carpet from under the feet in a jerk - its hard for anyone. Slowly TRAIN them to be more independent or live with what you can do.

Slowly , but lovingly, distance yourself from all the 'compulsory' duties. Ex: You can get 'late' at work! You do this enough number of times, they will have to find an alternative. You could feel sick/tired etc etc

Privacy with husband- not sure how you can get this without the other party being just as motivated. You could provide motivation by telling him, its difficult to just have sex, without emotional intimacy.

Take that walk ( the Dr ordered it) - kitchen or any other cleaning can wait! If anyone is unhappy - they are welcome to clean it themselves and praise them generously when they do!

Unload some responsibilities onto the husband - but dont use ultimatums - even if he hires help, let him manage them! Only then will they understand yout PoV.

Handling home - When they give suggestion , politely acknowledge and tell them thats a good idea ,will think about it. and do what you want - unless you actually like their idea.

Do not sign up for any new / more chores!! once you do, it's much harder to get it out of your plate without fights!

senorita2019 · Mar 9, 2020

Its your right to enjoy life. Hire caretakers for them and visit them in weekends. Convince your husband and make it happen

MissH · Mar 9, 2020

OP, Have you had an open discussion with your DH about this? I think you should do that first. Some people do NOT understand things unless they are well explained. Your DH may be under an impression that you are okay with everything that’s been going on.

SinghManisha · Mar 10, 2020

You cannot convey your need for space without offending your in-laws. What to do, Indian culture. Meghaa has good suggestions. Wear your shorts unapologetically and take a walk when you feel like it.

Amica · Mar 11, 2020

Nobody gives anyone space gift-wrapped with a pretty bow on top. If you want space, you have to make some for yourself.

First, communicate with your DH and give him a chance to man up and help you get what you want.

Prioritize your needs and then start whittling away at the restrictions. An example: let the hem of your trousers creep up gradually ... trousers to ankle pants to capris to Bermudas to shorts to hot pants. If your DH gives you grief, tell him it's the only way to get his attention outside the bedroom. If your ILs give you grief, smile and say your DH likes your legs.

Do what makes you happy and let others do a little adjusting.

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