How to tackle this matter in a diplomatic way

Currently all the problems have been solved. I know it is just a temporary situation, because the roots of this problem is yet to be touched.

Mom's need is to be respected. None of us have issues with this.
But her need is not explicitly told/communicated. Rather it is very blurred, and often miscommunicated because of her insecurities.
We (me and Sis) are in a position to respect and understand her insecurities. But we have limits. When it goes beyond our limitation (eg: disrespecting us in public, misunderstanding us as if we are misusing mom), things get very complicated.

Bad part is my bro did not understand this yet. Blame his gender. Men need things to be explicitily told, else they don't get it.

Mom is unable to openly tell him what and how she feels about his hospitality. She loves him loads, and doesn't wanna make him feel bad. Also she is really insecure about his extreme love and affection for his own family. This way mom feels any misunderstanding between her and bro might distance them forever. She doesn't want that to happen.
So, she often projects as if she likes there, loves to be there, and all that. But she is unable to come there due to her extended responsibilities towards my weaken marriage and family life.
She is comfortable at that. But sadly I am not.
When my marriage and family life is to be projected as weak and fragile, it has so much after effects in it. It affects our respect, our mutual understanding etc....
My bro's cheap communication at that vacation scene was stimulated by this. I never wanted this to happen.

However, at present things are cool. Mom is happily settled at my place, whereas bro has some of his in laws' side of relatives visiting him. Let's see how things change, and let's face it as it come. May be this time with a little diplomacy.

 

I have already made peace with my past. Reconciled with in laws, and living peacefully with husband in the past 3 years. Precisely since the time my second DD is conceived. She is now 2+.
Things are more on my favor, and my husband is a new/changed man. Mom knows this all. But still keeps the grudges and can't move from that past. She is still doubtful and very protective of me.
I can also understand her fears, and I let that go as it is. My H is also understanding this, plus understanding her old age trauma. He is also apologetic of his past behavior, which is a plus.

We go on vacations frequently. Most of the times it is just me, H and kids. Once in a while we go as a big family with all the siblings, and sometimes with cousins too.
Such vacations are often forced on us. There is absolutely no need to visit the same location, where we went as a family just a few months back. But when your siblings eagerly plan something together, and forcing you to attend, it would become hard to avoid.

Such vacations are always problematic. That's why I have prepared my H to be careful. I know he is very different and his manners are always questionable when it comes to family gathering with my side of the people. Because we are 2 extreme backgrounds.
I believed it is always good for the minority to adjust. Because you can't reason out your POV to a gang of people who don't believe in it. Afterall, these are not your fundamental rights.
My H was also in acceptance with that before we left for that vacation. But every time it was him, who does something odd- or something against everyone's joint plan. He easily becomes the black sheep, and everyone starts to gang against him. But they put a lot of effort to adjust and not to shout at him because of me/the respect they have on me.
But sometimes like this, things go uncontrollable; hence the fragile situations.

We have gone almost 100 vacations like this. At least 2-3 mini and big trips in a year as a gang. But only 3-4 trips have gone like this - problematic. The others were just awesome.
So, why should I completely ignore the fun, and being with family/friends just because of these events.
After all such problems, my FOO is back in action. We had a gathering at my place during last weekend, and things were just smooth. However, there is no gurantee that such fights won't happen again.

I feel too bad when my BIL and SIL (who are also from different backgrounds) can adjust or keep quite when many people (we, cousins, friends) gather and have same values. But why my H can't behave? Why he becomes the black sheep all the time?

In fact, he immediately realizes his mistakes and openly apologies and get in action with others. So they too forgive him. But he loses his respect. More than him, I feel disrespected when someone disrespects him. I fight with that someone for no reason. This spoils my entire vacation mood; hence this thread. \\


Just a vent though

 

Hello @swt.charu
Thanks a lot for your comment here. Although the thread is old, and the problem is now solved. I still value your comment, because it is helpful.

I have always chosen No 2. I know clearly that my mom prefers to stay at my place for so many reasons. She has openly communicated this to me several times before.
She feels home here, and always thinks she is a guest at the other 2 places.

Recently my sis has asked mom whether she can spend 2 weeks at her place in June, since her in laws are visiting India for 2 weeks during that time. Sister is working, and has 2 young kids. The kids will be taken cared by nannies, but she expects a family member to supervise the nannies. So, requested mom's help.
Although mom said YES, she still have reservations about staying there for 2 weeks. She is clearly uncomfortable there, and cribbing about it. I mean talking about the discomforts, she may be facing there.. Such as heat, Missing TV progs, loneliness during day time, etc...

My SIL is preg with her second kid, and it is an unexpected pregnancy. They have a 1.5 yr old toddler already. So, obviously bro will expect mom for a longer time, since SIL needs help, and care for the older baby. Mom is worried already about staying there longer.
She even started to murmur as to how difficult it will be to struggle with the older kid alone, when SIL will be comfortably sleeping with the newborn etc..etc..
She tells everything to me, and put up a good face before my siblings all the time.

But they know she doesn't spend longer time with them, although they request her to spend time with them.
They may be thinking, it is me who is behind my mom because I am in need of her. So, that's my problem.
My sis seems to understanding this. But not my bro or SIL.

Secondly, I use my in laws as the second family support, since mom is expected to travel here and there frequently now a days. So, in laws presence at our place, and their attachment for the kids matters the most.
I can easily leave the kids with in laws' care if my mom steps out of my house for a reason. I can't always trust on maids here.
But my mom is unhappy that I rely on in laws. She brings the past and makes me a fool for doing this.
To which I replied that I am being practical.

So, it is like a mixed problem.... caused by my mom's insecurity. Since she is MOM and a great person but elderly, with slight depression I can't go for a cut and dried sort of solution here.