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How To Stop Telling Him Everything!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Laks09, Dec 19, 2019.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you folks withhold information from your spouses?
    I usually don’t but I think I’ve got to stop oversharing with him. I can see the strain. I give him the complete picture all the time. Then I get busy because I’m dealing with the here and now.

    I’ve noticed that when he comes back, he’s exhausted and the worry from home isn’t helping at all. He isn’t able to easily compartmentalize.

    I’ve been asking myself what is the point in telling him everything? He’s not around and I’m mostly the primary care giver around here.

    Talking about everyday struggles with the child is something I want to cut back on. I used to offload and it felt good. He’s an understanding, empathetic and caring partner and an involved parent so it felt like I have a partner and I’m not alone in dealing with all this.

    I forgot that he doesn’t share it with anyone. He doesn’t have a stress release avenue and I’m increasingly worried about this.

    I make this strong resolve every week when I kiss him goodbye and as soon as he lands and calls me, I’ll give him a minute by minute update of what happened when and how. I’m tired of being such a blabber mouth.

    Help me friends to share only necessary information.
     
    Amica, Agathinai, Thyagarajan and 3 others like this.
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  2. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @Laks09 I get what you mean.

    Some of us are wired that way. You deal with the tough stuff, often admirably. What gets you thru is the fact that you can share it DH and so you hold on valiantly. And once you have shared , your cycle is complete - Tomorrow is another day. But unfortunately often men - they havent lived thru it, so have a tinge of guilt, so a this needs to be fixed kinda mindset. So they brood over it and worry about you.

    The point is you are life partners. If you have an emotion need to share, you should.

    I dont think that will help you. Restraining yourself constantly will wither you. And that will not help him either.

    Basically you want to share the story and unburden yourself , but dont want to burden him with it. If you dont tell the story, you will be carrying the burden and you cant go on like that.

    Just a suggestion - Can you talk your DH and explain you just need him to listen . Tell him that once you talk , and share with him, the issues magically become much smaller. But you worry that you are burdening him and so you hesitate. So if he promises to just listen and not take it to heart or make it his problem to solve and move on, only then you will feel happy. Assure him just by listening he has helped you tremendously. He doesnt have to take on the burden from you, by listening, he can help you place the burden down and move on.

    I have a slightly different problem. I dont share my issues much, dont feel comfortable sharing unless I have to, and I have let my worries, troubles build up and make me short tempered . In order to stop building up to that point, I realised I need to share. And when I started to talk about my problems/worries to DH, sometimes he came up with "solutions" , and sometimes he worried about it, sometimes he feels I am finding it too hard to handle, feels guilty he is not doing enough , sometimes goes ahead and does things to make it better and usually it backfires and I land up more pissed off.

    Finally, I lost it . I told him to listen. I just needed to talk . I did not need him to do something about the issue. I just needed to get it off my chest. "Can you just shut up and hear me out, make some noises, and ask me a thing or two and leave it" I told him . I could have handled the outburst better. Unfortunately, initially, it made him walk on egg shells not knowing how to react when I crib. We have slowly worked out a path, where he doesnt feel the onus is on him to solve it. Issues here and there but life has settled into a smoother path.

    You know what , that is why girl friends are a life saver. They intuitively know to make the right noises. But of course , some shared concerns, only a partner will understand and feel with the intensity like you do.
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Sharing information with spouse is my biggest stress relief. If not for him, I would have kept it all with me and exploded by now.
    Because there are things that you can't share with everyone, but with spouse alone. In my case, he is also my best friend, and ex-colleague who knows the work pattern and share a bunch of common friends. So, I almost blabber everything with him.
    But as you say, it is not a great idea because it seems like we dump all our stress at them, but they have no avenue to release this added/accumulated stress. It can cause health hazards for them, as many men are not good at compartmentalize the problems, and dealing with them emotionally as we women - Though it is a generalized statement, this is true when it comes to the men in my family.

    Now a days, I don't do that. Specially after learning that my H is diabetic and probably may develop other health issues down the line as he is 40 now.
    Stress is a reason behind all the health problems; hence making him stress free is my ultimate goal. But for that, I can't take all the stress and be sick either.

    I need to blabber - I mean, I need to share everything with someone whom I trust. I share things related to finances, kid's future etc..etc.. with H, because I want him to involve in these decisions and hence he should understand it better.
    I share other matters like maid, driver, neighbor, relatives, etc.etc... with mom who is also an active member at home.
    I share concerns related to work and outside life with one trusted colleague cum friend of mine, who knows me better
    All my health, wellness, kids concerns, education etc..etc.. related concerns I share them with my sister, who shares almost similar life like mine, and we both discuss a lot on them.

    And finally I vent here at IL - No matter what, as I have an anonymous identity here.

    At the end of the day, with much clarity I do share the summary or the filtered info with H about everything that concerns him. But by the time I would have almost, always sorted out the problems and found a solution; hence they don't cause him any stress.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2019
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I am like you. When I feel bad about it, I rationalize to myself that if I try to be different, I wouldn't be the person he married against all odds. : ) And that would not be nice of me. : )

    Seriously, I've tried to cut down, and it doesn't work for long. After a day or few of less sharing from me, I actually ask, 'did you notice?' and with the next minor parenting life bump, it is back to normal. Even if I manage to make it a habit to not keep going on about day to day worries, he would be able to tell just by looking at my face, and how I go about doing the routine things.

    As the kids became older, I realized the old saying 'if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.' The expression on my face is literally like a Nest control for all of them -- it decides the warmth or cool in their life. : ) What helped was me myself worrying less, recognizing what I cannot change, figuring out ways to reduce the moping over what cannot be.
     
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  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Different people different wiring.

    As life partners, its only fair to share what one feels... it is how it should be.

    However, some people brood longer than others. Sometimes even the original person who experiences has moved on but the other person who listened is stuck with the thought.

    In my personal opinion, stick to the jist of the feeling, short and honest. After stating the issue, also state if you are coping or if you need help; not just stating the issue and ending the convo.Take the panic tone away unless its absolutely needed.

    I am telling you because I am that brooder in my marriage. We do not want things to be hidden; we want to know but when we see that 'stress' we panic more than the person themselves. I am ever-ready to help and shall jump in on the spot, but as my worry always jumps the gun;I clearly need to understand if its actually THAT need of in issue for me to jump right in. I need to know if one is just stating and coping( ergo just needs a listening ear) or if one needs help ( ergo a planning mind and a helping hand).

    Only getting jist makes me feel informed yet I am ok knowing that it is being taken care of for now and I need not jump in.. yet.

    That girl friends tip is spot on really. Better those people who are less prone to worry instantly... you can have the relief yet no one carries the residue of it.
    My 2 cents :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2019
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  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I am sure you know that men and women are wired differently. So my suggestion is on when to talk. Even if wife and husband do the same job at office, after reaching home, men take more time to settle than women. so if we bring all the problems to them so soon, it may be like giving stress to them.

    So first option is to give your dh time to breath after reaching home (may be at least one hour) . Once he settle and relax, you can share it as long as he is a good listener. Make it short or crisp based on the situation and topic. Even if wife is a sahm, and tired of taking care of kids/home, dont hand over everything immediately after they reach home. Let them settle and then we can start. This is my observation. They also need that 'me time'.

    If we ask them how was the day, most of the time reply will be ' it was a good day (or bad day). You can expect a few more sentence. If the same question is asked to a women, most probably it will be be a detailed narration of every details (I was also in the same boat, but now I learned to separate whats important and not) that they are least interested to listen.

    We need to be transparent and should be able to communicate everything associated with married life/home. But wait for the right time when its calm and cool. For all those girly things its better to share to a close girl friend. That's why we need our own circle or life outside marriage.

    I am sure we all learn the tricks by experience & learning the individual and gender differences in perceiving things.
     
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  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    Just a thought for you, since it helped me a lot, after i am doing it.

    find out what kind of physical activity you love, i tried gym -regular, weights, kickboxing. finally got settled with Yoga, it was kinda embarrassing , since H and kids will mock of frequent switching.

    but now i am a regular for last 6 months, it is not too stressfull but equally challenging. i find a deep sense of peace inside and also i am stronger .

    I joined a class, it is more costly than gym. this is what i do almost daily. it almost clears my mind. i am not saying , do not talk to him at all. all i am saying is , add a activity in your life, and after around a month, you will find a new perspective and way to let go of your daily stress.
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is exactly what it is. I talk about it to whoever cares to listen and move on whereas he hears it and holds on.

    I didn't think of it this way at all. Seeing this makes me realize why I'm doing what I'm doing.

    We used to be this way. He would just listen, punctuate appropriately and agree with my closing observation and both of us would move on.
    I think when it comes to a child and his daily struggles, with no real outcome in sight, it gets hard. I also share every positive and every small step. I've got friends who share how awed they are with our son. Despite everything, at the end of the day, I see the despondence. Which is why I decided to not give him all the happenings around here. I see your point though. No point in me trying to control the output and going bonkers, life is already stressful without that! I'll try and talk to him about it when I get an opportunity.

    I identify with this so much. We went through this phase very early too. I had forgotten completely. You reminded me of a time I can draw some inspiration from. Thank you for stating this!

    Oh yeah! My GFs and mom/sis have always had my back. I still have this habit of giving him multiple updates at all times regardless of time difference etc. Both of our families have long stopped telling me anything that DH mustn't know because they know there is no use asking me to keep it to myself.
    There is one thing I'm proud of though, if a friend confides in me, I will never tell anyone, not even DH. I have no idea where I get that restraint from but if it's family, I say!

    Thanks for stopping by @SunPa! Love your insights as always.
     
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I like this divided sharing. Instead of telling everything to the 3/4 people who now know it all, just as needed. Thanks for this tip, @SGBV!

    I don't mind venting on IL but I have friends here and of course DH knows my ID too(although he claims he hasn't read anything in a year, which is why I asked you all). So not completely anonymous but since I'm anyway an over sharer everyone knows it all I'm sure!

    I like this approach! Wait to give it out later when things are better or at least better in my mind. I'll have to be patient enough to try it!
     
  10. virtualkv2020

    virtualkv2020 Platinum IL'ite

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    I have noticed a common streak among many men - they never move on from the incidents/experiences/feelings shared by their spouses. I know a couple who have been hopelessly in love with each other from the past 26 years.His wife shared her misgivings regarding a family member with him. He has taken it to his heart and till date he is very rude towards their relative while his wife and her relative have moved on long time ago and are friends again. While friendship is vital in a marriage, sharing every detail is sometimes unnecessary.Sometimes it’s better to take time before sharing a few things. I learnt it the hard way.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2019

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