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How To Stop "comparing" With Other "parents"?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by anika987, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi @Greenbay
    Thanks for your feedback.
    I am sure you know I am not talking about celebration and parental pride in their offsprings' achievements.

    The subject of this thread is excerpted from the link you provided.
    Here it is:

    "Xyz: My daughter recently won a trophy for being the best student in class.
    Me: wow! Congrats!
    Xyz: what did your daughter win?
    Me (clearing throat, sitting upright): well, she keeps getting these certificates and all.
    Xyz: certificates don't count. A trophy is a trophy and a certificate is a nothing."


    Comparing with the intention putting the other parent/child down. How to handle that. That was what I addressed.

    Trust this clears any confusion.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2018
  2. Sowbhagya84

    Sowbhagya84 New IL'ite

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    Who is more insecure ? You or the other parents ? You decide.
     
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  3. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    @anika987 ,

    So many wonderful responses and whatever I say is going to be repeating what others have said. But still here i am with my two cents. Don't let other moms decide whether what you are doing is right or not and guilt you into feeling this way
    doubting your own abilities and offering explanations for your circumstances and decisions either to yourself or others.

    Like @kkrish says, there is a long road ahead where comparisons between kids will begin and you are right now at

    the phase of comparing parenting styles. You have to learn to take pride and be confident in your parenting style (even if it is not approved by any one else) so that you can continue to do that with your kid's achievements (even if they are very small) - giving him/her the confidence they need to succeed and do the things they set out to do.

    As a parent I have been very appreciative of what other parents do and sometimes have chosen to follow in their footsteps, not because I felt guilty but because I felt wowed and they have always been little things like may be manners, being organized about kids' stuff and things like that and for big things I have tried to say "wow that sounds amazing. I am glad you get to do things that you think are important for your family" and meaning it.

    As a teacher, I get to see students and parents at all levels - material/intellectual and you know what, every child is building their own memories with whatever is offered to them and personally I try to contribute positively so that they succeed in whatever they set out to do. All that kids need - some love, appreciation and an environment where they feel nourished and cherished. If you are doing that and giving that, you are doing your best.

    Enjoy your little one and this phase.
     
  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:It is simple. Just think of your parents who also for sure confronted similar if not identical in India and how now you moved to another geography.
    2. Those parents who can afford time money & leisure would always as a rule find delectable leaisure in advising younger couples to copy their doings and life style.
    3. Whatever you could do you would do it anyway to your children. You need to know the nitty gritty of it only when you are ready with time money and leisure. Nothing need be attempted at the cost of health and overall happiness.
    Regards.
    God Bless.
     
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  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    @anika987 , my kid doesn't like Disneyland , cruise vacation to Hawaii, Bahamas, excotic trips to Costa Rica etc. She thinks its waste. My kid likes to eat ice cream in ice cream parlor on a hot afternoon over looking road. Simple pleasures last life time, remember all our summer vacation was spent in playing outside with friends cousins...
    We used to make rasna daily with all of my cousins, that was the best. No fancy cocktail in 7* hotel brings that...
    Like all said, some parents just boast around, brag in reality they don't have real time for kids watch them grow , thier friends, thier daily life at school. That's why they brag to please themselves.
    You're a good mom, be your own judge. Such people's intensions are to bring you down as @kkrish mentioned.
    It's easy to type don't care, it does bother I understand.
    Concentrate on bigger things like making reading books together, discuss about a book. I do with my 4 yr I tell you, she gives me totally new picture of the world.
    Library ,park, grocery shopping , play dates, icrecream days and making food together kids love that than Disneyland. It stays in memory than vacation it creates only pictures not memories.
    nothig beats being home in hot summer!!!! Switch on AC dance with kid.
     
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  6. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    How to handle this? Intensionally putting down.
    There are such persons in school/park/neighborhood.
    lady X neighbor asked if my kid is doing any summer activities. I said no, we just go to library, park . She said "what's the fun if you read". I said my child reads fair enough. Then she bombarded questions... I couldn't handle asked only one question - how about your kid, she replied "oh whole kindergarten is there to read, what's the hurry?"
    In turn she sends her kids to kumoan, swimming, drawing, gymnastics , 1 more sport I forgot. She couldn't tolerate my 4 yr old can read and her kid despite she learns all the above can't handle my child reading. Kept boasting this that, brain work needed so much competition. I said didn't want to argue said, god plans for all, it's different.
    How do you handle such parents, brings down others.

    P.s. didn't mean to hijack the thread , will start separate if it's not okay
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    1. Minimize conversation with them.
    2. She gave an airy reply, "Oh whole kindergarten is there to read..."
    Learn to respond like that. Asked about summer activities, say, "Oh my child after breakfast announces her plan for the day, I am but a humble chauffeur to do as bidden."
    Reply without getting into specifics. List the specifics only with closer friends.
    3. Learn how to change the topic. You need to be in touch with many kinds of local parents, and this is a good skill to cultivate.
    4. Learn how to show polite surprise. When she said, "what's the fun if you read?", a little widening of your eyes, a pause as you seem to be making an effort to compose your thoughts, and then half a sentence, maybe even repeat her question, "hmmm... the fun of reading..."

    I find it easiest to avoid such people. They vex the soul.
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    no problem.even I will get a cue to handle parents like that.
     
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  9. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana has given some good solutions.

    There is no "fit for all" response.
    Actually different responses at different times and different situations are required.

    Most of the times I just used to smile and say, "that's great that your child is doing those things. Your child is very smart!"
    I stopped explaining my situation, because these folks have already come to a conclusion. Why waste my time and energy explaining.
    Also why to bring out my family situation to others and provide more fodder for further probing and gossip. None of them are going to help my kids . Only I will be left moping for a long time. So silence many times was my reaction.

    I never used to start the subject of children in any gathering.

    If forced to answer I never took an apologetic tone nor a defiant one. Kept my voice neutral to convey that I am not interested in comparing children. Comes with practice.
     
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:I wish I had put it as you had done here. This demonstrates how pure your affection to kids and love and real progress in the long run.
    Regards.
    God Bless such real mother’s.
     
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