How To Respond To My Mom

For the first time in life, I have decided to keep silence, and give no response to the passive aggressive abuse and silent treatment of my old mom.
Even though I felt horrible initially, after a week I find an immense peace within myself, and I think I am slowly learning to ignore small matters for good.

Having said that, I am here to request your opinion and validation on the recent issue at home.

My mom becomes a different person the moment she lands in Sri lanka. This is definitely one of the considerations before I made the decision to return to Sri Lanka for good. However, I based my decision on different other priorities, and ended up landing in Sri Lanka 2 weeks back.

A little background:
We are 3 siblings, all married with kids and doing good in life. Mom lives with me, and our dad passed away 15 years back.
My brother lives very close by, and visits us almost daily. Sometimes with his family and sometimes alone.
Sister lives a little far and visits us quarterly with family and stay over for a week or so.
We also visit both the siblings, but not very often as them. Because my home is also treated as a family home given the fact that our mom lives with me.

We siblings share a very close bond. We love each other and love our mother dearly. Our children love each other, and formed a close cousin bonds among themselves. They also love their aunts and uncles dearly, just as they love their grandma.

My sister and her in laws share a close bond. Since they live far, we seldom know their issues, or day today developments. We are happy that they are happy. That's all.

However, through mom both myself and my brother have the daily update of each other's lives, which is definitely a threat to our privacy.

In particular, my mom doesn't like my husband. Even though they are not in talking terms, there hasn't been any major issues in the past. My mom often complain about my H and which creates rifts between her and myself, and eventually between my H and I. But we have somehow learned to limit this now. On the other hand, I have issues with my SIL. However, the relationship is now improved a lot, and there hasn't been any issues in the past several years.
My siblings obviously don't like our spouses, except for our sister's husband who is a Gem. But we don't fight, but adjust.
Overall, no one is evil. These are just difference of background and opinions; but we share a very close bond as families for more than a decade since we all are married. Touch wood.

Now the problem is this>

My H said something negative to the care-taker of our coconut estate, whom we doubt steal something from our estate home. The estate was under the responsibility of my brother, who also have his own estate next to ours.
My brother was furious about this negative comment and took it personally as he felt bad. After all, he did so much to care for our estate while we were away, and the steeling was a simple matter. But he did not react to it, and he knew my H has a lose tongue; and known him for a while now.
However, he did share this disappointment with his wife that day and left it at there.

My SIL has a habit of creating rifts between myself and mom in the past, especially whenever we shine well in life. This has happened a lot in the past, and often she uses my mom's issues/enmity with my H to whine her.
So, last week she informed my mom that her husband (my bro) was upset and regretted for helping us all these while. But she asked mom not to inform this to me or create any issues over this matter.

My mom has been angry ever since, and showing that on me. She comments as if I don't know how to handle my H. I let him take advantage of my everything, and I don't know how to control him especially when he isn't right.
She started questioning why he is going out, when is he doing, how much money he is withdrawing from bank etc.. etc... which seemed a little too much, so I asked her to calm down.
I did not know the context but in general I told mom that she should rest now as she is old, and she has done enough of support for us in the past. Now that I am on sabbatical and have ample time to look after these matters.
I asked mom to trust me and my capacity to manage these things especially my life and my H. Also told her that I am already a middle aged woman, mother of two and an experienced professional manager, so I know what I should be doing. She should simply trust and let me manage my life as per my terms.

If she panics like this, and dictate how and what I should be doing for every single matter, then I would end up living in stress, because my way of management is different from her way of management.

Besides, we have just landed. When we had this conversation last week, we were still suffering from jetlag. So, I asked her to prioritize her health, and enjoy the moment rather than worrying.

I was very clear, patient and my tone was firm, but smooth.

My mom got offended and rushed to me by saying " do you know your H did blah blah blah at the estate and your bother is so offended by that and which is wrong. I stopped her at that and said " mom if my brother or SIL asked you not to share these details with me, then please respect them. Treat this as a secret no matter what. If they want this to be shared with me, they would always let me know"
Because I also share my frustrations with my SIL at home, and mom has heard this enough from me. But I always tell everyone not to share these with my brother as he shouldn't be bothered by these details. We know how to handle the difference as well as the irritation by ourselves without involving our siblings. The moment we involve a concerned sibling, they feel guilt and be held responsible for the act. Which will ruin the entire relationship.
You can't expect in laws to act like siblings. Because we don't act like siblings to our in laws. Period. So, let's embrace the difference, and adjust for the betterment of our overall bonding and happiness.
If matters are beyond controllable, we siblings will talk to each other in a respectful matter, and resolve the issues as we are now adults and parents.

That was it, mom got upset and stopped talking to me since the past 7 days. It is Christmas time and we are all busy and happy by decorating our homes and entertaining guests, but mom stays silent as if she is not part of all these. Her silence will always raise eye brows and show to all that we have issues at home.
She would refuse to eat, refuse to watch TV together with us, stopped helping me at the kitchen, stopped teaching my kids etc

Earlier whenever she does that, I go back to her, ask her why she is angry and try to resolve the matter. If there are any misunderstanding I try my best to clear and help her understand. But it will always create a huge fight between us, as mom never accepts her mistakes and doesn't like if that is pointed out. Even if I apologize, she will still be angry for a while.

Whenever such huge issues happen between us, mom often say I should let her calm down on her own and not to disturb or not to fight/argue. Even though I feel so tempted to cry loud that I didn't make any mistake to be punished this way, and to have my whole Christmas ruined for this matter, I decided to give her the needed time to calm down.

Its been a week now, and mom slowly came out of her shells and behave almost normal. But still keeps the grudge and not participating anything at home. Keeping long face.

For the first time in life, I found my happiness within me, with my kids and H without mom. I started enjoying these Christmas vibes at home on my own terms. So, mom slowly came back to me and accused that "i told her to stop interfering as she is old now, and she said that I have forgotten all the helps this old mother has done to my family".

I felt so bad after hearing this. I did not tell this and I was very clear when I asked her not to bother so much about what my H does and all these nitty gritty matters now, as i am home and I can handle. She is old so she should rest after the long flight.
I did not mean she interferes or she should stop advising.

But I am afraid, if I try explaining all these a huge fight will erupt as she will not be ready to hear anything. She will further accuse me, and further share details from my bro's family that will further provoke me.
I don't want any drama before the Christmas. Period. Especially for none of my mistakes.

If my H is wronged, she should either fight directly with him or accept that he is different. If the mistake is not so serious, mom/bro or anyone should just let go of that and treat my H according to how he treats them. There is no point in pushing me to amend my relationship with my H for what/how they feel.
I should not be held responsible for what my H does.

If I have a problem with my SIL, my mom often asks me to calm down for my brother because he will be the one suffering between his wife and sister. That's why my mom often adjust with her DIL.
But why can't she does the same for her DD? Despite of the fact that her DD does everything under the sun, including compromising my own marriage to make her stay comfortable with me. But she still gives me hard time, and makes me always stressed about what would be next to come. I can't take this life this way.

What should I do?

Shall I let her live with this misunderstanding? I feel bad about this. I always value her advice and so grateful for what she has done to me.
Shall I confront, even in low tone.. but there is a risk of a huge emotional drama as my mom doesn't have the mental strength for a deep discussion. She is so shallow these days and will drag me to an unwanted issue during Christmas time.
I feel bad, and not being able to enjoy these moments.

 

Thanks, and yes! This is what I have been doing right now.
But it hurts, it spoils my mood.

She loves me. She genuinely cares about me. We usually share at least 20 good days in a month, but sadly some 10 days on average will go like this. Especially during special occasions and when visitors are here.

My mom doesn't like me. I learned the different between loving and liking only after living with my mom. We are the true examples for that.
We love each other, but we don't like each other's choices, character, life style and what not. We are totally different personalities.
My mom thinks I am totally wrong in everything I do. Instead of being my advocate (usually mothers are like this, and she is the greatest advocate for her other children), she acts like a judge.
She finds faults in everything I do, and hence interfere on the pretext of helping me to make right decisions.

When I do not buy her advice, she will be upset. She will mock me when my decisions go wrong (you can't say everything you do becomes a success).
She will give silent treatments, and stop talking, eating, mingling with us for days.
I lead a very busy life all these years until recently (I am on my sabbatical now). So I had no time for drama in my life.
Also I had so many other issues going around. Husband, in laws, health issues, kid's and other financial struggles in the past. So, all I wanted was some peace.
Regardless of my preference, I let my mom always lead the house, make the choices and do whatever she wanted in the house as long as they are not wrong choices.
This way, although I wasn't pleased by the outcomes, I was peaceful

But, it has affected my relationship with my H. My children started growing up like 80s babies, and the house is literally like an old fashion home.
My H is always unhappy about the life style which we lead, and he complains why a 75 yr old lead this family when both the heads of the family are in good position to lead/make decisions.
But, I ignored him and told him that he wasn't here when I struggled, but my mom was with me. So, I am giving her this opportunity to lead and continue managing the home as long as she is alive. I often encouraged him to focus on his career and outside matters rather than home management. Because he still required improvement in that area.

Now my children are complaining. They clearly see who is behind certain decisions? They see me as someone incapable of making decisions at home and always dependent on an old mother.
My son often mock me whenever I tried to discipline him. He asks whether it is coming from me or grandma. If it is coming from grandma, I should be able to stop her and explain why 2k kids and their lives are different from 80s and 90s kids; hence the new life style.
They also love their grandma a lot. But sometimes they feel she is too much interfering.

Now that I am home. My mom interferes even simple matters like what colour paint should be used to paint our home. Who should be the painter, and when should we paint the house.
She suggests how we should maintain our garden, how much we should be spending for Christmas... literally everything.

I have other ideas. I am already in my early 40s, and I feel like if I don't live my life now, when will I?
Also, what is the point of earning this life if I can't enjoy it the way I should be?

Also, my mom is my past, but my H and kids are my future. I should be also able to please them and live happily with them. They can't be controlled just the way I was under my mom's control all these life?

But my mom says, they are misleading me and going to take away everything I have. She says kids are being brainwashed or acting like any other teenagers. But I shouldn't be worried.

But, why an elderly has to advice me? Am I stupid?

Also, she doesn't stop with advice. She will judge me, she will give me silent treatment and make the entire time hell if I don't listen to her advices. Also, she will say I was influenced by my H and never accept that it was my wish or my decision.

I don't think she will change anytime soon. She is very old and it is not worth the fight. But I can't wait until she is gone to live my life. This very thought itself makes me feel guilt as a bad child.

Sometimes I feel my siblings are lucky because they live far from mom, did very minimal for her, yet they are in her good books compared to myself. I don't have any privacy in my own home despite of everything.

Just venting