How To Reduce Visits By In Laws

DDream · May 2, 2020

Needtobestrong said: ↑

When they were staying in their native they were more active in doing work..after coming here MIL got attitude of delegating all chores and keeping themselves free.....DH has lot of pressure and hectic schedules...certain things he will do if i ask but I cant overload him..he already is under too much pressure and he himself hardly gets time to rest .MIL and FIL are old fashioned, want only ladies to do all chores...she will take help from DH generously for certain things but if I take same help from him she gets pissed off....even for light chores she can do herself or ask FIL to do...but she will not ask FIL to do anything even if he can do it...she will make DH do all kinds of errands, not even caring about his physical and mental health....but he never says no as he is scared of offending her and overly obedient to her... she has the habit of making him run errands for relatives even though they dont reciprocate by helping back ...if I lie down and excuse myself saying I'm unwell I only hear taunts and sarcastic remarks and accused of being lazy , it makes no difference to her if she sees her son and DIL slogging...
I see so many senior citizen couples who have all children staying abroad, visiting very rarely and they also travel rarely abroad,...they are so independent and lead their lives taking care of their own work and health themselves without depending on others and by hiring domestic helps...but i may be mistaken sometimes grass is greener on other side ..
Because of coronavirus problem everything is put on hold, especially hiring process in many sectors as all industries going in loss...maybe job opportunities will come up after situation greatly improves..People like me who are unemployed now , will probably take long time to be suitably employed..
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Even if you do every thing perfect she will taunt because she know you value it and its effective way to control you. Develop a thick skin and do what you want, even if she blames you lazy . I hope you are not aiming for good DIL certificate, which you are not going to get anyway. You can't change her, you only can change response. Learn to ignore her tantrums. The route cause of your stress is that you are giving much importance to it.. Do your duty as much as I can and take rest whenever needed. Act deaf and do things that make you happy. Atleast spend half an hour for it.

Vaikuntha · May 2, 2020

Needtobestrong said: ↑

You are right about everything, and analysed my issues rightly, except for one thing..
That is, their plan to settle permanently with us will happen in next 1 to 2 years ...not 5 to 6 years...
I always wanted to resume career but in between I had very bad health issues and was in pain., had to get few procedures done etc..
I used to have cook earlier some years back...i would let MIL.supervise so food would be prepared in her way...she would crib about supervising the cook , though it was 5 minute job...and cook was demanding more money and her timings weren't ok and she was irregular so had to let her go..since I had to leave my job, the amount i felt was more and not affordable...managed with one maid for cleaning work and light vegetable cutting and help in prep work like atta kneading etc...even maid MIL doesn't supervise..even though it's not a big task at all to sit and give instructions....just she will sit in one place and lie down and crib about being tired...if maid is not supervised obviously she will not do work properly and do half work and go which have to do...she is not the type who will even supervise helpers, just wants to enjoy life surrounded by all while my DH and I do the strenuous work and running around...
When the maid took leave I had to do the extra work and struggle...especially if guests come...
I know it's tough for in laws in 60s to do work due to age and reduced energy levels...if they can't do..they should let hired help do...but my in laws are people who dont even want to take small responsibility of supervising domestic helps like cook or maid or nanny etc in my absence to get work done...I feel damn irritated...really things should change.. due to Covid I cant even step out...then job??
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She understands that you will go out get a job, if she helps around. She wants to keep you home.
She knows that you will be free, if she helps even a little.
60 is nothing, people here in US run marathon at 60. Also, in India people is living till 80, 75 easily. With your seva, they will live forever! Are you willing to spend next 10-15 years as house maid?
I do not think, your husband is on your side. Tell him that you get tired. Make fixed "study time" where you lock yourself up in room to study.
The things you want to delegate- leave them undone for days/hours/weeks
Start not cooking for one meal on Sunday, and make it more meals-not cooked by you.
When you leave your job- there is less money coming in- but never stop spending the money by cutting down on anything because then everyone understands that you working at home= you working outside. Let the family finances, take a hit, by keeping up the spending habits- "that can be an incentive in bad families to let the DIL work outside" by helping in house or whatever.
So next time, never offer to reduce a maid, or buy one less thing, to save money.
When husband looks at bill of finances, say you will have to "get a job soon". Keep doing this

Needtobestrong · May 2, 2020

Thanks @DDream and @hermitcrab

I have always got a bad DIL tag no matter how much hard work I do...so I'm not going to make extra efforts to change it..I know I have to do my share of chores but I shouldnt be overworked .. I really dont want to end up doing maid and cook and caretaker- nurse kind of work for them...getting some good suggestions in this thread thanks to all wonderful ladies..