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How To Reduce Visits By In Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Apr 26, 2020.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    My in laws who used to previously resided in different place I,e their native are now spending longer durations with us.. now due to Covid problem they will not travel to their desired vacation spot too..
    I know they have a right to come here as parents but extended stay by them is making me drained out..I feel like I need a little space and privacy at times...a little break from these chores and reduced chores, freedom to watch whatever I want on television, even A rated films which I can’t play In front of them...freedom to sleep in and get up late some days...freedom to not do full cooking some days and just have cereal or bread and one pot meal...freedom to eat at what time I want and sleep at what time I want and wear what I want..without being judged..i see other relatives in my family circle like my own aunts and uncles, and DHs aunts and uncles spending a few months every year with their married son or daughter home spending time with them and helping them....and remaining months independently in their home enjoying their retired life...
    I would appreciate my in laws if they did the same as I’m not currently working due to health issue, they are anyways not prepared to support me as of now even if I get job..then they can reduce their visits for now...
    after multiple fights happening at home and unnecessary interruptions to me by guests invited by them it would be a nice breather if they spend some months at their home, too...
    I really envy my friends who are staying in nuclear family and enjoying their freedom...I’m not saying that in laws should not stay with us but they can enjoy retired life for sometime and let us enjoy our freedom too...
    When i was in pain due to existing health issue I found it tough to do chores...one day I was once loaded with more work due to guest visit and I expressed my helplessness to do extra house work..instead of sympathies, I only heard taunts and criticism ,...though they knew perfectly well what treatment I was taking...even my husband didn’t support me...now all are behaving as if normal...still I hurt from within and I need break...they keep saying that they’re exhausted and need rest...though they don’t have much of chores to do here just light stuff and they are living like king and queen here ..what about me...don’t i need rest...and if they spend some time away they’ll also realise my value and respect me ...
    In general what are the ways by which ladies in my position can reduce duration of in laws stay?need practical suggestions pls...
     
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  2. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    Answer lies in your post..except for A rated films... everything else do when they are here too...you need to develop thick skin... remember after seeing this coronavirus crisis I have realised our life is too short to please others and seek approval.. do as you please...don't bother you don't want to cook more just cook one pot meal and take rest...let them taunt...if anyone asks tell them it's their house too they can make what they want...
     
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  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Don’t get me wrong, but stop comparing everything with other families. Comparing only makes things difficult
     
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  4. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    I don't think there is a way you can reduce the duration of their stay or visit..
    that is the reality..if your parents are open to things ask them to come and stay with you for the same duration..
    If not just go along your routine and don't bother..

    if we are comparing people's life..I will tell u there are so many people I know who are living like queens in their in-laws house..they know how to treat them right.. and there are few who have life in nuclear setup..some of us are not fortunate enough so we need to deal with it and do our best..
     
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  5. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I totally understand you and feel your pain...Sometimes in-laws stay back coz they feel they have the “right” coz it’s their son’s place but forget that the lady of the house is the one doing all the work.

    Are your in-laws helping you atleast?
    It is not fair to you if they sit like a resort and expect you to do everything.

    You have every right to ask for freedom.


    when I go for Long durations for India trips,even my own mother sometimes tell me to come and help and not make her do all the work and me just resting.She loves me a lot but it is natural.

    So nothing wrong from your side.

    Hows your husband?he is the only one who can really help you and can cut short the visits.

    From Next time,take turns..you go to their place and they come and not them coming to your place all the time.

    Book some vacations in advance.Tell then they are welcome but you guys won’t be home.Initially give some reasons or the other..Hope they take the hint
     
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  6. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Looks like you are married in a bad family. This abuse, will only increase, continue and drain you.
    What is making you restless and tired, will I in fact, make any woman tired and restless. Some will get raged and get a hammer in their hand :)
    So, first of all- you are right in thinking what you are thinking.

    Comparing with others is absolutely okay because that's where we get our benchmarks from.

    Anyways, I will suggest you a 5 year solution. Reason, because even if you get your IL's visit reduced; they will come to stay with you (permanently) in another 5-6 years (this is my read from your post- no future teller here).

    The solution is:
    Aim for being a working woman, with a joint family, ILs overseeing fleet of helpers.

    Aim for a joint family in 5 years time, but a lot/everything in your house- will be on your terms.
    First, your children will be a little older and understand instruction.
    Get a house (not a flat) where there are plenty of rooms for everyone.
    Get a lot of helpers. Even if you do not offer them job yet, get to know a babysitter, cook etc
    After covid, please work on your job- skills.
    Get your husband on your side to execute your plan. I never share - all- with mine. You share what you want. But he should be on your side. This is key.

    You have to start working outside home, that's the only way to get out of this chores-driven day. If anyone wanted to understand, they would have- by now.
    When you go out of house, ILs will oversee the helpers. This will be of big help.
     
  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    You are right about everything, and analysed my issues rightly, except for one thing..
    That is, their plan to settle permanently with us will happen in next 1 to 2 years ...not 5 to 6 years...
    I always wanted to resume career but in between I had very bad health issues and was in pain., had to get few procedures done etc..
    I used to have cook earlier some years back...i would let MIL.supervise so food would be prepared in her way...she would crib about supervising the cook , though it was 5 minute job...and cook was demanding more money and her timings weren't ok and she was irregular so had to let her go..since I had to leave my job, the amount i felt was more and not affordable...managed with one maid for cleaning work and light vegetable cutting and help in prep work like atta kneading etc...even maid MIL doesn't supervise..even though it's not a big task at all to sit and give instructions....just she will sit in one place and lie down and crib about being tired...if maid is not supervised obviously she will not do work properly and do half work and go which have to do...she is not the type who will even supervise helpers, just wants to enjoy life surrounded by all while my DH and I do the strenuous work and running around...
    When the maid took leave I had to do the extra work and struggle...especially if guests come...
    I know it's tough for in laws in 60s to do work due to age and reduced energy levels...if they can't do..they should let hired help do...but my in laws are people who dont even want to take small responsibility of supervising domestic helps like cook or maid or nanny etc in my absence to get work done...I feel damn irritated...really things should change.. due to Covid I cant even step out...then job??
     
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  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I realise I'm venting and cribbing too much...but really my irritation levels are that high...
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If you ask for help, what's their reaction? For example, cutting vegetables or jobs like that. What about your husband? If you ask for help, will he do that?

    Tell very clearly that it's too much work, he needs to help you. Most of the MILs jump in when there son do the household jobs. Also handover laundry, cleaning jobs to him.
    If nothing works, do minimum and go to room and lie down, and say you are tired.
    As long as you do all those things, they will never realise the hard work.

    When your dh is not there, focus on you and enjoy. When he is there only then do all the household jobs. Else he will think there is not much, you are simply complaining. If he complains about what you did, tell him this all you can do, if he want he can do it himself.

    They are not recognizing the hard work you do. Still cribbing. Let them think what they want. Focus on your priorities. Many PIls think,its DILs responsibility to take care of their needs. Their job is to take rest. Your pils are only in 60s ,its not old enough unless there are some health issues.

    If your kids are old enough, involve them in taking care of their grandparents. Tell them ,its their responsibilities to take care , and if pils call you for any thing direct that your dh and kids saying you are busy with sometimes else.

    Getting a job, should be your first priority, I think if PILs move in permanently, it will be tough for you. Atleast you can outsource the household jobs and can get out of the house every day. That will give you enough breathing space.

    Also learn to say NO or ignore. They all are taking you for granted. So think, talk sweetly and smartly hand over things to them. Try different methods depending on your situation.
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2020
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  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    When they were staying in their native they were more active in doing work..after coming here MIL got attitude of delegating all chores and keeping themselves free.....DH has lot of pressure and hectic schedules...certain things he will do if i ask but I cant overload him..he already is under too much pressure and he himself hardly gets time to rest .MIL and FIL are old fashioned, want only ladies to do all chores...she will take help from DH generously for certain things but if I take same help from him she gets pissed off....even for light chores she can do herself or ask FIL to do...but she will not ask FIL to do anything even if he can do it...she will make DH do all kinds of errands, not even caring about his physical and mental health....but he never says no as he is scared of offending her and overly obedient to her... she has the habit of making him run errands for relatives even though they dont reciprocate by helping back ...if I lie down and excuse myself saying I'm unwell I only hear taunts and sarcastic remarks and accused of being lazy , it makes no difference to her if she sees her son and DIL slogging...
    I see so many senior citizen couples who have all children staying abroad, visiting very rarely and they also travel rarely abroad,...they are so independent and lead their lives taking care of their own work and health themselves without depending on others and by hiring domestic helps...but i may be mistaken sometimes grass is greener on other side ..
    Because of coronavirus problem everything is put on hold, especially hiring process in many sectors as all industries going in loss...maybe job opportunities will come up after situation greatly improves..People like me who are unemployed now , will probably take long time to be suitably employed..
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2020

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