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How To Reduce Duration Of In Laws Visit?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Jan 21, 2021.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Covid 19 has change do my life for worse...in laws have settled here itself, and not ready to leave since lockdown...
    Though now everyone is travelling and they can safeLy travel to their native place they’re not doing so...because here they are settled comfortably and they can make their son and DIL do all the things..if they go to their native they need to run around for buying provisions and do their household chores themselves as their maid there has gone back to her native...earlier I was considerate about them due to fact that elders shouldn’t be left alone in such situation but now I’m just irritated..
    My health has gone for a toss and with health issue also I’ve to do chores..
    For some months, they were staying indoors, now they’re getting impatient and irritable and not bothered about Covid, want to go somewhere or the other...
    They’re bored at home and want to eat special dishes everyday,..
    My husband doesn’t demand..but my FIL does...he will just sit in one place and eat and sleep, no exercise but wants to eat variety of dishes and snacks daily...some snacks and foodstuffs when purchase and many to make at home...it’s really becoming a big pain for me and MIL to make it , I.e even if she makes we help her...and kitchen becomes a big mess, pain to clear it..I don’t have help with chores maid is not there...
    The maid was working earlier, but in her road there were cases, maid and her friend were Covid postive, and her health became worse...so stopped her due to safety reason.
    On festival days I’ve been so overworked, I was almost in a position to fall unconscious due to exhaustion..
    My MIL keeps making snide and sarcastic remarks about how I don’t make many varieties of dishes and keep complaining that I’m lazy and good for nothing...
    If she or FIL say that they’re feeling tired and dizzy etc, my husband is so sympathetic..I feel I’m unwell or tired no one cares...
    She is actually enjoying herself, gossiping with friends and relatives daily and pursuing her hobbies and have heard her talking about me during phone conversations...not a single word of appreciation about me..nothing complimentary only complaints .
    My husband doesn’t support me as he doesn’t want to offend them..as they would get angry and leave...
    Really it’s a pain them...
    Frankly i don’t like making elaborate dishes everyday, or fried snacks or sweets, I prefer simple cooking and only on festivals or occasionally I would make something different..
    This is because I’m loaded with other chores, like cleaning , utensils, laundry etc..not much help with these..
    Every time I defend myself and answer back all gang up against me and yell at me and it becomes a big fight..
    unfortunately I m unemployed...
    My self esteem is very low..due to personal situation and professionally due to career gap...
    They’re planning to shift here after Covid becomes normal, I.e due to old age...
    I hate such previous generation people who want to sit and eat and sleep and make DIL to work like maid and cook and nurse..
    I’m having lot of health problems but not able to go to hospital a school it’s risky...
    I’m frankly very frustrated..I’m thinking why such kind of in laws are alive to trouble the DIL..
    Unfortunately i am not in a position to apply for jobs, online or offline due to Covid...
    Looks like vaccination will take some months to happen..don’t know how long to tolerate them...
    They weren’t this bad before lockdown, but Covid has brought the worse in my In laws..
    Friend pls include me in your prayers my in-laws leave soon and don’t come back....I’m very depressed...
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Any replies?
    Anyone else stuck in such long term situation with in laws ? How did you manage it ?
     
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Ha... I had thought you do not have squatters refusing to budge, but only people who threaten to visit you.
    There are practical solutions for your situation; but you will (sooner or later) guess why nobody wants to tell you. This is the kind of challenge that leaves you on your own.
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  5. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Hi I’m sorry you’re going through this. The tone in your post suggests you are overworked and very tired. Have you had a blood test to make sure you’re not low in iron or something? Mind you, you wouldn’t feel comfortable taking a blood test right now with coronavirus spreading rapidly.


    Whatever you do, never complain about in-laws to husband. It will ruin your relationship with him, cause arguments and he will be defensive about them taking their side.

    Your in-laws behave like that because you’ve been kind to them and they think it’s the norm. Why don’t you show your true feelings...especially to husband by saying hubby I don’t feel so well, can you go get me some multivitamins or something? Stay in bed....let the chores slide a little because you’re not well...your in-laws should help out...especially mother in law....

    If everyday is like a party with good food etc and other luxuries people will not want to leave that party....if you show them the reality and they have to pull their weight, cook their own food, wash their clothes...not have the luxuries...they’ll leave....I’m sure the treating them like guest period has gone...now they can help out...how much more are you going to do all by yourself?
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  6. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Needtobestrong , I have been reading your posts since lock down last year March, looks like the same situation continues at your home. Only one person that can help you is you yourself. Its not sure from your threads whether your earning or not.

    You are always on the thought of driving them away. But I am telling you this thought itself making you stress more. First you have to make a peace that in laws are going to stay with you. And plan your work/activities around this.

    To lessen the household work, buy the latest gadgets like dish washer /washing machine. Also look for new helper. If your in laws or husband opposes it, tell them clearly/firmly you are stressed because of workload. If they say in their days they handled all these without modern gadgets, tell them that You are not them.. You are different you can not handle. Repeat this statement few times , ignore their snide marks . If you can afford buy it yourself , don't wait for their approval.

    To lessen the house hold work , make a meal plan and just stick with that. No extra bujji , bonda will be provided. If possible fix 1 or 2 days for this .
    If they want let them prepare themselves.. and mess after the preparation. Keep telling them its better they clean it immediately after cooking, keep repeating diplomatically.

    Start some freenlancing work or youtube as an income generation. Now a days housewives are generating good income just by shooting and uploading their day to day work.
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:At 4.22 pm post, it seeks only prayers of fellow IL’ites.

    & 9.34 pm seeks reply situation seemingly serious for OP.

    & 11.42 pm yesterday - she checked no response so question marks.

    situation appears desperate from the side of OP but to my mind, it appears absolutely normal as that seems to be the norm in almost every household including joint family.

    But senior womenfolk in IL, who used to render prompt quick right advise and remedies in these situations are unfortunately on the other side of the globe and therefore - patience - patience is need of the hour before guidance trickle down from other side of Atlantic.

    The main question is how to keep ever complaining and most dissatisfied gossiping in-laws at bay and minimise their visits.

    Since OP states at present she is unemployed and not mentioned about tending kids, it is easy for her to fake illness like COVID and get admitted in hospital or quarantined away from home. This act would deter the in-laws and her spouse would ensure that their parents equipped to mend themselves in the place where they are at present.

    Another suggestion is to send them to senior home. If they are reluctant, OP & her spouse shift to senior home:yum:. This would do a world of good to OP & to her spouse. It may even result in safe guarding all her entourage from getting depressed and improve overall family health free of ruckus bickering etc.

    • A friend known to us left his reluctant 80+ parents in their own house at Tambaram in Chennai and presently with his working wife our friend living in senior home at Vandalur. He and his wife in their mid sixties and their children settled abroad. Life is like that.

    I join with others in prayer to do only good to OP & her PIL.

    Regards.
     
    Anusha2917 and Needtobestrong like this.
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply sir, i was under lot of depression and couldnt share with anyone hence posted...
    I expected a little more kindness in your reply, I may have mentioned my irritation in extreme way but circumstances are like that...
    How much ever they torture me, my DH would never agree to leave them in senior citizen home or even in different flat...he said very clearly if I dont listen to what they say I should pack my bags and get out of the home and he doesn't want me in his life.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2021
  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Those who think my post was extreme, during the previous family fight, my husband and in laws clearly told me that if I do not follow the rules and regulations given by them I should get out of the house and stay alone....my husband also, in middle of the night dragged me to front door and told me that if I do not obey in laws and be subservient to them I should get out of the house.. he dragged me by hand...once I shouted at him he left me...
    My in laws only told him that I he should leave me as I'm not a worthy DIL for them...they brain washed him...prior to them staying here long term he was not that worst...he has become very angry and offensive towards me ever since they came here...that's why I hate my in laws so much now...does anyone empathize with what I feel, or am I still mistaken ?
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Oh...my:frown:. Your problem is quite a different one. You seem to be the one staying too long where you are ill-treated, and not wanted; perhaps you have reasons as to why you should endure the situation.
     
    chanchitra, Mistt and Needtobestrong like this.

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