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How To React ? What To Understand?

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by VijayaRaghu, Sep 7, 2017.

  1. VijayaRaghu

    VijayaRaghu Silver IL'ite

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    Hello All,


    Just to keep in short about me and my condition: since 2014 going thru a lot. Despite of good husband and beautiful kids and family, life is driving me crazy with crazy moves and challenges. In this journey faced a lot issues from my work side also. So which all caused for depression. Today I am here to discuss about my 81/2 yr old daughter. Who is very sweet, smart , matured and sensible kid. Whoever sees her, they definitely says I am so blessed to have a kid like her. Many times I have situations unknown person used to ask me, are you mom of that girl? You are so lucky for such a nice girl to have. Even she is 8yrs old, I am down with stress she used to boost me in 1 sentence or 2.


    Since few months I am noticing she is really getting frustrated and yelling a lot at us and little sister. Then I tried to ask her what’s going on? Then she just says, you are tired and frustrated going to office and same as me tired and frustrated in my day with school and all tasks. As me and my husband both work, as soon as we reach home we need to rush kids also for snack, home works, batch, dinner and sleep. In this process most of the time my husband takes kitchen and box preparation. I take kids tasks. Since from the day they are born we are running with this schedule. But now a days, she is so irritated and raising voice on us. Then I thought to help her by giving dairy with lock, which she also asked for to get her frustration out. First day after she wrote locked it and slept. I was more concerned about her, and I opened checked. I know, I shouldn’t suppose. But being mom I couldn’t resist her, and want to know other than home issues, is there anything else bothering her. Then first day all 4 lines are : I HATE MY PARENTS repeated.


    Second day : all 4 lines are : I HATE MY PARENTS repeated.


    Third day : all 4 lines are : I HATE MY PARENTS repeated.


    But she looks so calm and lovable , I didn’t believe my eyes. Everyday she says: I love ammamma first, then little sister then mom and Dad. Every day she says that, but where this hatred coming from.


    Last night I tried to talk to her just like a casual talk, what you don’t like in me and dad but she is strictly said not interested to talk on that. So can you please suggest me, are there any other ways to know what’s going on with her.
     
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  2. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi op. Don't worry. Things will fall in line. Is her grandmom(I think ur mom) far way from Ur place , she maybe missing her. Leave her to ur mom's home for a vacation.
    Coming to the actual problem
    1) just think have u been strict with her. I know parents intention in being strict is for welfare of the child. But child does not know as they are too young.
    2) Talk with her about her school , if there is anything bothering her there
    3) maybe she missing quality time with u both .mad both of u are busy. Engage in some family activities in ur weekends. Take her to tour. Show ur affection to her.
     
  3. VijayaRaghu

    VijayaRaghu Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply @sindmani. 1 + year back my mom passed away. My daughter was with my mom since her 8th month to second birthday. Of course yes, she is missing her.

    Always I am cautious mom when it comes to kids. Spend good amount of time and play with them. Sometimes, they demand a lot more time than I can afford but I manage to get back to regular chores. Since a year, every month planning vacations as they desire.But yes, your points make sense too. Today I sent a surprise note in lunch bag, saying love her so much. So loves those surprises a lot. Hope things will fall in place, as you said.
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Op, spend more time with her, show her more affection. Do you yell or shout at her? If so, try to talk her in calm way. Make her feel that you really love /care her. Touch ,hug, and pamper her. Talk to her more and be her best friend. May be you two can create a team and go together for shopping or movies /ice cream. Also discuss your struggles and how you are facing it. This may help to open up. She is a kid.

    Your post made me smile. I used to think that my mom is always angry and blame me for no reason or not able to understand how I feel. So I wrote down all these in a notebook. Recently, I saw one of my old notebook and found those notes. I felt really bad thinking how stupid I was. I tore all pages into peaces and got relieved that she didn't read it. I am mature enough now to understand the love and support she gave me through out my life.

    I think I was not able to understand as a schoolkid my mom's struggle every day like her job, cooking, cleaning taking care of me, my siblings and Dad...etc. May be I tried to get full attention or seek emotional asssurance from her all the time. For some reason I didn't get it. She was my mother than a friend. So even pointing my mistakes made me sad.
    So OP, don't take it to your heart. She is a kid . As a parent it is your duty to teach her what is good or bad. Do your best and I am sure she will definitely realise the depth of your love soon, if not now.
    I think this is just a phase in her life.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2017
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Such qualities in kid don't happen only by nature. There is some nurture involved too. You and your husband must be doing something very right. Now and then, give yourselves a pat for that.

    That is a high level of articulateness in an 8 yr old. Nice. You may want to take it at face value. Most often, kids don't want a solution to their hardships or little troubles. They want a sympathetic ear and an unqualified acknowledgement from parent that he/she (child) has a genuine hardship. One year, I agreed with my kid that one twice-weekly homework the teacher gave was a royal pain. I offered to talk to the teacher, that offer was refused. I knew it would be. : ) The school year ended with kid knowing that sometimes homework can be boring/seem useless and that parent knows /agrees.

    On the bright side, the problem has been easily identified, thanks to an eloquent child. You and your husband may want to think about what you've written above. At a time when there is calm and peace in the house. Life cannot wait for the weekend. Your older one needs attention on weekday evenings. From that list of snack, homework, bath, dinner, sleep.. which things can be made more efficient. The biggest time consumer in an Indian household is often the cooking. If food is being cooked from scratch each evening, no wonder there is so much frustration and tiredness. It will take some getting used to, but, start to cook, freeze and prep ahead. Use some take-out etc.

    One thing to try is give your daughter some quality time as soon as you/she reach home. This will be very difficult as you have so much to get done. But, 15-20 minutes spent with her will make the rest of the evening more sane. These minutes should be 1-1 and quality, no multi-tasking: checking email, phone, sorting postal mail, or emptying dishwasher, cutting vegetables.. nothing.

    : ) that is actually so cute. : ) Kids, especially girls, write all kinds of things, draw all kinds of pictures of the family... Most likely, there will be many more such diaries bought over the next few years, each's first few pages will get filled. IMO, it is ok to read it but make sure child doesn't get to know. You might even find an elaborate story about a family startlingly similar to yours.. : ) and you might thoroughly disagree with some characterization of the mean, cruel, disinterested mother. It will take tremendous discipline to not bring that up with child. : )

    One thing to do with a child who likes to write in a diary is casually invite her to write to/with you. A GoogleDoc would be simple enough to get started, even with her slower typing speed. Or pencil and a paper/book. Write back and forth. At least 2-5 times a week.

    Give her more 1-1 time, write to/with her, make the evening routine less hectic.

    You are doing good as a parent, whether you know and believe it or not. Try to resolve your "since 2014" issues a little bit (they are never fully resolved and that is fine) so you are more happy from the inside. As the song goes: If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

    Good Luck. And, don't take any such "I hate.." statements to heart. Consider them practice for when the same lines will get delivered accompanied to the stomping of her feet and slamming of her bedroom door. : ) Oops.. this heads-up doesn't help much, does it? : )
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2017
  6. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    8 yr olds can be pretty sassy, easily influenced by peers and starting to be opinionated. Find out if things are ok at school first, bullying starts pretty early. So talk to her teacher and find out if things are ok.
    However , don't over pamper her because you feel guilty, because she needs to realize that she has to respect and show gratitude towards her parents. Spend some time with her but also make her aware that family comes first.
     
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  7. stephanjohn

    stephanjohn Senior IL'ite

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    It is saddening but this situation shouldn't add up to your stress. Children can be easily manipulated. I had a friend who always discussed how strict his parents were and how he hated them for not spending time with him -that led me to believe that all parents are the same. See, it is just that simple - children start believing that what happens to others would happen to me as well.

    I totally agree with @Sandycandy ; do not fuss over your child and pamper her too much. Be strict and at the same time loving. Just a personal suggestion - Go out with your family on Saturdays and Sundays. Spend at least some fruitful time with children. Ask her if she wants to join some sports club. You can help her nurture her hobby. This way her mind will always be busy and she won't have time for negative thoughts.
     
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  8. SCSusila

    SCSusila Gold IL'ite

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    I know it can be be very difficult and agonising to handle children in bad moods .
    But please dont worry . Its all passing phases . If everything at home is normal , they will soon outgrow what ever is bothering them , it must be some friction among friends also .
    One thing to remember is not to show them that they are driving you up the wall . Parents should stay calm strong and keep their worry to themselves . Much better not to bring up the subject at all frequently . Do not keep asking " whats wrong dear ? " often. Children should not be given the idea that they can twist you around their little fingers . Just act normal , talk and joke , even if the child is not responding . Take her out in the open more : parks , libraries etc.

    Do not worry . Everything will be fine .
     
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  9. VijayaRaghu

    VijayaRaghu Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the detailed reply @DDream, @Rihana, @Sandycandy , @stephanjohn ,@SCSusila .

    Yes, same I am trying to explain to myself. When I am working with her on her tasks, I just make a casual talk about my mom. As she loves her a lot, she pays more attention. I used to make a conversation that how mom used to take care of stuff and my older sisters helped her and me in daily routines. She then says, it make sense for you to be tired and sometimes she really takes care of her own things and little sister. But as you all said, more time with her on 1 -1 will really help. Little one makes this girl compromised most of the time. This girl also fine with this, but after all she is also kid, how many times she can compromise. Though I try my best to keep 2 girls satisfied, at some point when I am getting in meetings or any other reason burden is on this girl. All the suggestions you have given above like pamper but not too much pamper. Listen to her but not to over react are definitely good points to keep in mind. As @Rihana said, if I dont keep myself happy, not my house is going to happy. I am seriously working on it. Once again thank you all, for your great suggestions.
     
  10. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    Wow at such a young age she is suppressed. The "beauty" of the culture. A child that pretends everything is fine when it isn't with her---and so convincingly is scary. A child should be able to talk freely to her parents ESPECIALLY when she is not happy no matter how bad the subject. Her parents are supposed to be her safe place (while she lives with her parents that is--after marriage it should be her husband) She doesn't want to talk since everything is rushed, (as you are keeping to a hectic schedule it seems) and you may not seem genuinely interested during those times. Being as mature as she is---you think she cannot detect sincere "Let's take some time to talk, talk with me?" When there is so much going on--it is especially important to set aside time for our children. Children don't want to feel that they are an item on their parents check-list. I don't agree with spying on her private thoughts but--some good came from this---at least you know how she feels unlike my husband who is afraid to tell his parents he can't save money because they are draining him dry. Children of Indians get so involved with pleasing their parents that they hide who they really are from their parents for fear their parents being angry or letting them down. My husband delayed his goals and dreams because of them SMH. Now he is trying to make up for lost spent $$$$$$ on them (my FIL and my SIL the main $$$$$$ vampires) that our marriage suffers as he is so tired from work we don't even speak as we should. You don't sound like a parent who uses guilt and manipulation to get your daughter to behave as you wish-- (That is what my ILs do to my DH)I don't know about your husband so I can't say anything about him...
     

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