How to react to this situation

deepd · Apr 17, 2010

Hello ladies,

Again i am in a situation where i am confused about how to react.
My MIL is not talking to me for about 2 months. She was not talking properly to DH also. The reason being i wanted my Mom to be with me for my delivery and i refused to go with her to her home after delivery (My MIL is a working lady so i will be left all alone with baby if i go there).
Yesterday she called up DH when i was about to leave for office and talked to him for one hour. She enquired about me, my health etc. from DH and told him that she will be coming for my delivery.
Now i am again stressed out how will i manage when she and my Mom will be here. My MIL is not on talking terms with me and when shes here in my home how do i react?
Second problem: I am worried about my Mom. My MIL doesnt share a good relationship with her too. She didnt even called my Mom when my father passed away last year. And MIL is having the habit of self praise and all that stuff. What will i do if she doesnt behave properly with my Mom ?
(My Mom is in a very fragile emotional state after loosing my father and get pinched easily).

So far i was relaxed as she was not talking to me so i thought she will come only after birth of my baby and at that time i will be in a position to manage things.

I am sure that you experinced ladies will help me out with this:drowning

vasu99 · Apr 17, 2010

Hai,

I can understand your situation...

Best thing is to keep quite, let her come and you need not react for anything...let your mom also stay and you can tell your mom positively to get mentally prepared to live with her....

After some days she herself will realize and like to go back to her place...

Because if you complain to your DH he may think bad about you na?

So have patience, be cool and handle things proactively...

Take care

Vasu

shrutidunwoody · Apr 21, 2010

When your mil comes , try to be friendly with her.But if she says anything to your mom then dont take it. Just discuss with your dh about it. Tell him that he has to talk to his mom before coming to behave properly and not to hurt anyones feeling. Assure him that you will also talk to your mom. Tell him that you want both of them to be happy without hurting each others feeling.

ShilpaMa · Apr 22, 2010

DeepD I had this ballistic combo at home during my deliv.
Initially inlaws refused to come so I asked my parents to come n help.

Then they landed soon after deliv :rant.... my dad and grandma were yet to join & I asked DH if its fine for all to live tog so he said yeah we all also lived tog with his SIS fly when she delivered.

Also my dad held them at v high regards and was highly optimistic that those are the most civilised of all creatures & bygones can be bygones & this can be a new start. My family got the flavour of their life & now they trust every word I tell them.

When my mom had enuff she came crying if she could go back also my MIL told book everyone's ticket back.. and I did.. so sail as it comes, god gives direction and strength to deal with at that time. Trust me everyone is in a position to handle themselves esp when surrounded by bunch of difficult people. You become dependent if everyone is too supportive.

deepd · Apr 22, 2010

Thanks vasu, shruti and shilpa for understanding my problem.

Shruti
i ll try to befriendly with her but how can i forget every thing she said abt me and my family to my DH (though he defended me). But now i know whats there inside her. she is full of venom for me and my family.
I will have to act to b nice to her which is very difficult.

Shilpa
U truly said about the explosive mix when ur ils and parents are together. but this mix is lethal only coz of ILs .our parents give them full respect and honor as they have given their daughter to them!!
I have read your posts in other threads where u shared abt ur relationship with ur ILs. I just want to know from u that after suffering so much from them how do u manage to behave normally with them??
please give me some tips.

ShilpaMa · Apr 22, 2010

how do u manage to behave normally with them??

Maybe it comes from my upbringing & genetics passed down to me, I used to question the same from my dad as he lost his mom when just 1.5 yr old and since then had everyone STEP around him.
I always saw my parents peaceful cos they never harboured enemity against anyone despite the odds they were put to.

My 2nd approach comes from office culture that despite arguments & difference in opinion the team has to burry their hatchet & work towards the common goal... or else quit.

3rd and last but most imp :crazy.. I dont have an option, he's the only son & his parents will come to him... there's no alternate son whom they can rest on & leave mine for me peacefully... so whether I can get along with them is entirely my challenge not theirs. Also DH is a dedicated son so he wont leave them for good or bad.

shrutidunwoody · Apr 23, 2010

Hi deepa

I can understand that you are really hurt by your inlaws but you should consider yourself lucky that your dh defended and supported you. I am not saying that you hug your mil but only be good to them only for the sake of your dh. At present , just concentrate on your delivery and try to be happy.

deepd · Apr 23, 2010

Thanks Shruti , Shilpa

I ll try to follow your advise. And will pray to God that every thing goes well.

Once again thank you for sharing your experiences and guiding me.

Deep

Happysoul1234 · Apr 23, 2010

Your MIL self-invited herself to your house and you are ok with it?

I am telling you that having mom and MIL around delivery time is a bad, bad idea. You are in a fragile state, physically and emotionally and that, combined with a total lack of sleep makes it even more difficult to deal with crazy people and their antics.

Try to convince your husband that you need just your mom at this time. his mom can come when the baby is older and more interactive. Either that or tell your mom not to come. She has just experienced the loss of her life partner and should not be allowed to be trodded upon by your MIL.

You have to be strong and convince your husband and then let him convince his mother. For your sake and your mom's sake.

My MIL came 3 months after my delivery and my mom left 4 days after that. My mom has been a single parent for 15 years now and in those 4 days I have seen her cry as never before due to my MIL's antics - telling my son to forget his nani in front of my mom, complaining about the food my mom cooked, complaining about how much I ate (I was nursing) and listening with her ears to the door when my mom was in the room when I pumped (my nanny saw her doing so and told me).

All in all, A VERY BAD IDEA to have your mom and MIL here at the same time. It's not good for you and it's definitely not good for your mom either. She deserves better than that.

My 2 cents!

priya g · Apr 23, 2010

I agree with pmahensa...very bad idea to have both sets at home! Ask you hubby to tell his mom to come later after your mom leaves! You can handle his mom, but why should your mom go through all the nonsense! Otherwise, call your mom after your MIL leaves...we women have to deal with such MILs after all, they are your hubby's parents as well!