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How to politely say "No"

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by generic, Dec 20, 2014.

  1. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Generally I'm the kind of girl who cannot be forced into something which i do not like..But whenever I'm with in-laws I am often forced into situations which i dislike..Im hesitant to openly say "No".

    These situations are quite common..How do I handle these situations and say 'no' diplomatically & politely?
    1. PILs forcing me to get up early and doing household work even when I m not well.
    2. PILs inviting many guests home for lunch on a weekend when I'm very tired and want to take rest or have some personal work to attend to (without asking me)
    3. PILS forcing me to regularly call up & entertain some relatives whom I do not know and do not get along well with. Some of them i dislike becos they will discuss unwanted topics like how girls are not obeying elders these days and are arrogant etc..and how girls are not having kids immediately after marriage.
    4. Due to my busy & demanding schedule I make few chutneys, idly, dosa batters, masalas and few other dishes during the weekend and store them in fridge so I can use them on hectic weekday morning breakfasts and to pack for lunch box.. Find it extremely irritating when visitors come and it's is served to them. Turns out nothing much is left after that. I have to prepare everything all over again on weekdays and struggle. Preparing excess quantity also doesnt help as it gets over in no time. If visitors come they can be served biscuits and snacks also, why use the stuff which I need for weekdays?

    How do I handle these situations diplomatically so that I am not overworked and frustrated ? I need some encouragement so I can have guts to speak up.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your post doesn't have even one mention of "husband" or "DH".

    Isn't that food for thought? Pun indeed intended.
     
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  3. adimad

    adimad Silver IL'ite

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    Rihana's point is the first thing that came to my mind too.

    But other than that, I overcame similar things by learning to not care about what they think. I force myself to not think how they feel and concentrate on what is fair and logical and right. and just do the required thing.

    For example. not wake up before I want to. Not attend to guests or show interest in talking to them if they have been invited without my consent. I'd just greet them and say I have something to attend to - I'll catch up with you in a while and go to my room

    When preparing extra food, i pack it into little boxes and label the boxes "monday", "Tuesday" etc. then it will be harder to use it to serve to guests and i wont have to tell no to anyone.
     
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  4. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    The reason for why it is so hard to say "no" is the need to please other people. There may also be concerns of getting something bad if saying no. For example if you repeatedly without a reason say no to your boss the outcome will not be good. Above was good suggestion like packing/labelling the food. One idea is also to have an open and friendly discussion with your in-laws and epxlain that you need rest some time, that you prepare food in advance etc and ask them for suggestions of how to solve the issue. It depend on the relationship you have with them.
     
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  5. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Maybe it's because DH is too scared to speak against his parents and it's something I need to deal with myself?
     
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  6. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    I tried it earlier.."Friendly discussion" is something that doesnt happen with MIL around..Attending to other tasks with guests around or showing disinterest makes her accuse me of being unwelcoming towards them...If I politely ask for free time for rest, relaxation etc I am labelled as a "lazy" girl and lectured about how much work women did back in the older days..So anything I do backfires towards me.
     
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  7. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah should do the same..Maybe if I stop trying to please everyone always I can be a little happier.
     
  8. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with Rihana.

    And there is no better way to state your opinion and your reasons in a matter-of-fact, polite tone to your in laws.

    If it still does not work, get your husband to do it.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Maybe I was suggesting enlisting his help in the kitchen, and not at him taking the issue up with his parents?

    "If you can't beat them, join them" - he cannot beat them, but he can join you in the kitchen?
     
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  10. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    gen,
    tough spot. few tips for a partial relief:
    - instead of preparing a ready to serve dish ahead of time, do only the prep work ahead.
    - save some semi personal tasks to be done when guests arrive, like folding (non embarassing) laundry while chatting with guests. your work will get done as well as engaging the guests. Halfway thru excuse yourself politely to slipaway.
     
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