How to persuade my wife to start working?

Ajith

So bottomline being assertive is the NEED of the hour!! Yes during this weekend praise her for acheivements at work and studies..and explain the financial stituation and askher for suggestions on what she thinks has to be done! If she says she will think about going back to work then fine...if not..then say you guys have to move and cut down on the expenses. BE FIRM and Put your foot down . Also if possible do give her sometime to think about your suggestion and after couple of weeks make the decision and follow it.

 

2 Points.

1. You cannot affod a multimillion dollar home on a single income in Bay Area unless the single income is atleast 250-300k per year.

My DH and I combined make around 250k per year and we still rent in the bay area. We are scared that if one of us gets laid off how will we manage a mortgage and other expenses.

A modest starter home in a decent school district is a minimum of 750k price tag which translates into a $4k per month mortgage and $600 per month in property taxes. Utilties and Maintence is extra, say around $400, which brings total housing expenditure to 5k per month.

A typical mid-life enginner will make 150k before taxes, which translates to $8500 take home per month. If he is spending 5k just on the mortgage, that leaves just $3500 to cover other expenses. A trip to India or a nice vacation with 2 adults and 2 kids will run you atleast 10k per trip, so if you factor that in, they would have to manage all their expenses in just $2700 per month. This may be doable but then there will be no savings, no vacations and no helping out family in india.

2. Ajith agreed your wife is a doctor and can earn $$ easily, but is she is not enjoying it then maybe she should look into an alternate career?

You will need to sit down and figure out with her what she enjoys that can become a stable source of income for her. I am sure neither of you would like to downsize the lifestyle you are used to so try and see if she can supplement your income is some other way. Maybe she is enjoying time at home right now but once kids are older she will need to find a way to occupy her time.

One of my friends was doing her masters in public health at Johns Hopkins and midway through the program she gave up and joined another program for a masters in oriental medicine. she liked natural medicine more than the regular alleopathy and now has a flourishing career as an accupunturist/homepathist. She is part of a clinic that is small, tight knit and she gets to choose her hours and days and best of all, enjoy what she does for a living.

 

She is not interested.

Ajith,This is zest of your response(first few lines) to all of our replies.She is not budging a bit too. All jobs are stressful. Maybe yours look less stressful to me and my job looks less stressful to you.The point is not looking for ourselves in family but looking at what is good for family.

You know there was a time when I have lived on 50 $ worth grocery only for a month. Didnt buy anything extravagant. I have lived like that for yrs. Why ? Because my husband was b/n jobs and need of the hr was to scrimp everywhere. My parents wud have easily provided for me if I had asked. But I had a feeling that I am adult enuf to not ask for help for things I can manage.I had to live like this becoz it was best for me and my husband. Here too your wife needs to meet you halfway thru. Not maintain same standard of living as she did when she was working.

Discussion in this case might have less effect. I will say do something assertive like put your house on the market or rent it out. Look for smaller places where you can afford everything with your pay alone. And still be able to save .Move to a place where you are comfortable. As you mentioned Houston here.

My wife has lot of freedom with regards to spending irrespective of whether she works or not.

One more slip. She is not feeling the pinch. I am sorry to say she is not being responsible in her position. For example she knows how much you make and how much you pay for mortgage and all monthly expenses. You dont need to hold a mirror to show her that. Yet she goes about spending like she did when she worked. It doesnt work in the situation. You know when my husband was b/n jobs he didnt need to tell me to curb my expenses. I did it myself. Thats being responsible and seeing reality of situation.Family came first and then me. You need to tell her to curb her expenses. Even if she spends 100 per month if you bring it down to 50 its still 50 saved.that itself comes to 600 a yr. Big amount for only not spending 50 per month.
I also feel you both need to sit and make a budget and stick to it. Budget not according to how much you make. But budget according to how much you need to live comfortably.See if you can cut here and there.10 here and there adds up quickly to a tidy sum. When she stopped working shudnt you have both sat down and cut corners some where. A loss of income comes with curbing expenses by both husband and wife. Otherwise its a train wreck.

I'll tighten the screw slowly.

Yes. Wherever you can do it.You know my husband had a nasty habit of drinking coke anywhere and everywhere regularly .It wud come to 30-40 $ alone.Then I had to give a warning to stop it or else i will also spend on soft drinks with him . That did it .Its a little money here and there which i made him see sense in.You also need to do the same.

Take tha matter in your own hands. See where money is being spent even 1 $. Cut where you can.If I were you I wudnt wait till fall to move.Its holiday season and nobody is looking for houses or moving then.Think about all this and decide. Discuss with your wife.At the same time come back and make some positive moves in direction of downsizing.If your wife sees you being serious doing it ,she might see your way or you push her to do it. Time is not for being polite but being very assertive.Dont budge and jump in with good thinking. Sometimes it just takes a push to get there. Good Luck.

 

A small problem with the math. Uncle Sam helps you by letting you pay mortgage, and real estate taxes with pre tax dollars. That's like almost a third of your mortgage costs are subsidized by US. At 150k in CA the marginal tax rate would be (28% fed + ~10% state).

Not that it's super significant but just wanted to point out the benefits of home ownership in this great country. Not to mention the participation in the potential capital appreciation and the tax break of not paying cap gains on up to 500K on gains on primary home (Selling Your Home - Capital Gains Tax on the Sale of a Main Home).

Disclaimer: I am not tax professional or an accountant, just a joe six pack doing his own taxes! So don't take my numbers as accurate...

 

Ajith, as per your response I finally feel your wify is simply not enjoying labour room screaming and OT and excessive stress.

Pls dont persuade her to go back, cos she has to deal with lives....
Instead suggest an alternate profession of her choice.

 

Ajith based on what you have written in your last post. Now it is making sense that your wife is not interested in working. She is not even entertaining private practice like you said..

we take up a profession out of interest but when we get into it some people may not like it. But generally people stop before completing when they see they are not liking it. Here she went through the entire cycle of completing her course, and also started working and later stress was a factor? That can be lessened in private practice who see patients in limited time, but with gynec there can be one issue she has to go to hospital for delivery in any case... I am not sure what other consulting options she can have as a doctor as a person from that field can only advice.

My suggestion to pack bags was on lighter note, am sure you are not that kind and that is silly too.

There is one more suggestion I had given, if you try to keep asking her which you have done it might not work. She could have thought it enough on your requests. You should not bring this up on vacation , because she may think you are worrying about that on vacation too, but on a lighter note you can strike a conversation and see..that is not completely a bad idea either

No doubt you can afford a mortgage with single income but if you are not saving any thing then that is a concern. Since she can make handsome income day care expenses should be pea nuts in that comparision. Also her staying at home is more to do with job stress which cannot be taken away. So many people working in wallmart, pharmacy, stand entire 8-10 hours, I was talking to a lndian lady she was a pharmist, she says in her job she has to stand 12 hours at a stretch. I was surprised how can one do that. There is stress in all kind of jobs

 

Good that you have no marital problems apart from this finance issue. The idea of downsizing has not yet sunk in your wife's mind I think.Because moving from a big house to a smaller house invites a lot of sympathies from people around which we dont really like, so take a fast step and let her know you are putting the house on the market, that might push her back to the work force.

I live in bay area too, we own a house with a big price tag. But I was really really sad that DH is slogging alone in this home venture (which was my idea and I felt deep down that I NEED TO PITCH IN) and out of my own interest studied computer science and become a software test engineer. Now I financially support DH and he can breathe freely.

So what I am saying is - your wife is taking you for granted.She is exploiting your weakness and making you work your butt off. My job is stressful, everybody's is. I really dont see that as a reason not to work.

Downsize for real.Dont compromise anymore.

 

Glad you were not pressured. There is a huge difference in doing things voluntarily and being pressured to do it.

In the USA getting a job is not a big deal in the good days. Even now it's quite possible if you are determined.

Staying home to raise kids, IMO is a sacrifice in itself. Especially when the work prospects are so attractive as in the USA. Also it's more work to stay home and raise the kids than sitting in front of the computer all day and leaving the kids to some paid worker.

I hope people are not so judgmental of people who stay home to raise kids.

 

I agree that being a stay at home mom/dad is a lot of work. The care of home and kids is definitely an important and fulfilling task. I have no problem with SAHM's.

BUT let's be real. The job of SAHM doesn't come with a paycheck, and as such, the family has got to live within the means provided by the earning member. If dad makes $100,000/year, then the family should live within the means of what $100,000 provides..... not have mom think, "well, my work around the house is worth that much too, so let's live like we're making 200k".

Ajith is feeling pressure to keep up that big lifestyle, so is it really so strange that he is little bit pressuring his wife to help him with some of the load? Why is it ok for him to feel pressure but not her? If she doesn't work, she should at least be supportive and proactive in thinking of ways to relieve him of the stress... moving to a cheaper area, smaller house, cut down on shopping etc. I bet if she did all that, Ajith would be a little more at peace with her decision not to work.

Ajith.... is there some other profession she would like to do? Like teaching maybe? Or a researcher? Ask her if she is happy being a SAHM or whether there is something else she might be interested in besides practicing medicine. You would think if her dream was to be a SAHM, she would not have spent all those years in medical school and residency. So maybe she wants to work, just not this line of work.

 

Now can we say OP has problems in marital life just related to finance?