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How to persuade my wife to start working?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ajith, May 27, 2010.

  1. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Sure, everyone can have their own reasons, but this has to be a family decision. I agree with SriVidya, maybe let Ajith come back with more info.


    Sarma - reality check is not an euphemism the way i used it. it is indeed a reality check i'm talking abt.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  2. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    Nice line(s)! I will remember to pull that when needed! :)

    You think you know the *reality* from one side of the story? And don't you think there is a problem when one side thinks they have the reality better than the other side? If the other side is a child or amateur, may be there is a point but between professionals who are quite capable in their mental faculties and that there is no new information that only one side possesses, don't you think it's manipulative and downright condescending to pull that line?

    Here is the reality I see from experience living in CA. There are many single income engineer families that have million dollar homes and pay mortgage about or higher than what OP has reported. They are *able* to afford those and have a life style that's nice.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  3. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    It is irrelevant that there are some engineer families doing that.
    Why should Ajith have to do the same? Anyway as I posted earlier, I'll wait for more info.
     
  4. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    Right!. The irony is that the focus is on what Ajith wants!
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Wrong! So far, the issue seems to be a whimsical DW who wants to have it both ways. Alright, I'll let you have the last word if thats what you want, so go ahead if you want to reply. Adios until I hear back from Mr. OP.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  6. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    Sorry. This has to be said, Sydie! We don't need to continue this after this.

    I don't see her wanting to have it both ways. She did not put the family in unreasonable jeopardy in choosing to go with a million dollar home. If she considered both their combined incomes, she would have gone in for a multimillion dollar home. I think she kept the home well with in the affordability of a single income. As I see it, she did not over commit the family in any irresponsible way.

    Any way. we can disagree! Thanks for the dialog!
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    I think we do not know either ways since OP is not replying to any of the posts.
    • we do not know if the wife wanted the luxury or not.
    • We do not know what exactly is her reaction to downsizing.
    • We do not know how much control she had on her own earnings.
    JMO if OP replies then we can discuss/digress further. On a diff note , I agree with Sarma...sorry spidey

    FL
     
  8. momtwo

    momtwo New IL'ite

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    I can understand your frustration because in a way there are a few similarities between your situation and mine.
    For me I want my husband to be more responsible father to provide for the family financially,he being from one of the top 5 colleges in india.
    But he can even barely keep a job.Everytime he starts a new job my clock starts ticking and at nights I worry if the next day he is going to come and say that he has been laid off-->this is life now for us.
    But I have learnt a lot of lessons in my life out of this.I am not perfect but I am trying very hard to atleast give a happy home to my kids and my spouse inspite of all our hardships .I don't want that when my kids grow up all they remember about their childhood is mom and dad figthing about money,jobs etc.

    1)You can never push anyone else to do what you want.If you try it only spells disaster and the family life gets ruined.
    2)We all have bills to pay but happiness isn't related to money.For a family to be happy we have to give space to others and let them decide what is going to make them happy.What will make you happy might not make your spouse happy and vice-versa.
    3) Let her be.Give her time to decide what she wants to do.In a career span of say 30-40 years if she doesn't want to work for a while then give her time .Maybe once your kids grow up she will see that she is getting bored at home and then want to work.

    This is from my viewpoint and I know everyperson is different.
     
  9. Ajith

    Ajith Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your replies. When we bought the house we thought we will not have any issue with the mortgage because my wife liked her job. I still can manage with single income but nothing gets saved. I have discussed with her so many times about going back to work but says the job is stressful. She is a good doc and her chief in the hospital sends email periodically to check whether she is interested in the hospital work again. She is not interested in private practice and when she was asked by another doctor to join her practice, she politely declined. We have discussed her job issue countless times in the past but nothing worked. We are going to a beach this memorial day weekend. I am sure we'll have a long discussion on this topic and I'll update you later.

    Regarding the issues raised by other posters:
    I never insisted on a doctor wife. I knew my wife when she was in school - even before she became a doctor.
    We have NO marital issues.
    My wife is NOT taking revenge on me by not working.
    My wife has lot of freedom with regards to spending irrespective of whether she works or not.


    Good idea. I have never tried that approach.

    One of those 2 friends worked for 6 years and then quit. According to my wife they too quit because of stress.

    She had all the freedom to spend and she wasn't abusing that freedom. I am the decision maker in our house though she fought with me sometimes when it was not OK with her. Most of the time I give up and let her have her way. I think this is where I made the mistake.

    You are 100% correct chocolate. My wife thinks I can never be assertive and I never wanted to be. Unfortunately being non-assertive is considered as weakness.

    Many of my friends say the same - that I have to be assertive. Last night I said a firm NO to an expense and I am pleasantly surprised with her behavior today. I'll tighten the screw slowly.

    I am sure she is not taking revenge. Most likely we'll be downsizing the house this fall.

    My wife knows that I am not kind of that person and will never do such thing.

    More like downsizing. She has to adjust.

    No. My wife won't refuse. She will sign the papers. She knows downsizing is imminent.

    You are talking about exceptions. They must have paid a huge down payment with the money made from stock options. It is not possible to pay million $ mortgage in a single income household without stretching and without giving up small luxuries.
     
  10. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    Good luck, Ajith! Based on what you just wrote there is something deeper and instead of pushing your agenda, you might be better to ask her to open up. There seems to be some thing that's making her resist it. Suggest something else like the biomedical or biotech or pharmaceutical industry.

    It feels like that after the purchase of a home for most people.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010

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