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How to overcome infidelity

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Den, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. kylie

    kylie Gold IL'ite

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    dear den,

    I guess i'm quite late in the thread but wanted to pen down some thoughts. We can only imagine what u must b going thru' at this stage - confusion, pain, betrayal. Though none of us would really b in a position to give u any advice but we can certainly help u in moving closer to a decision. Only u can decide whether u need to forgive him or walk out. We all set a line in our relationship which we dont want our spouse to cross - for some it could be just a flirtatious glance at a female friend, for others it might b this spur of the moment lust and so on. It is u who needs to decide whether your husband has crossed the line or not.

    My friend went thru' a similar experience. She was married for more than 15 years. She did not know whether to walk out of the marriage bcoz she was betrayed or go on as if nothing has happened for the sake of her child. Today she continues to be married though her husband stays in another town.

    One thing comes out very clear through your posts and that is u love your spouse a lot and that is preventing you from taking a stand or seeing that he has done something wrong. We all know for sure that this can't be a one night thing. If it has happened in the past it can happen again. Are u really willing to
    believe that he is sorry and that he really loves u ? Men his age feel good when they are admired by other females bcoz they know age is not on their side.

    I feel after so many years of marriage it is companionship that really matters and not sex. We should be able to chat like friends, laugh, crack jokes and also make love. When men begin to feel that giving their wives food, clothing and shelter are their only responsibilities - that's when the problem creeps in. I am sorry to say but when your husband decided to give in to this temptation - he certainly wasn't thinking of u or the kids.

    I dont know if u will ever be able to disconnect him from this act of his - once trust is betrayed it can never b regained. Leaving him will certainly not work for you bcoz u seem to b emotional and want to stay in the marriage for your kids - which is also fine. It all depends on the kind of understanding u reach with your husband on this issue for the future. Hope u r able to take your best decision.

    love,
    kylie
     
    3 people like this.
  2. Den

    Den Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank You all for your responses. My husband saw me cracking up and with a consellor, I've got the final truth. It was a weak moment - the lady was a friend who befriended me and him and I did have health issues then and from then she started threathening him even in his workplace (she lives in another very far off city) - she told her husband about it and he was OK since he had another woman. she was very manupilative and her husband kept telling my husband to forgive her and just hang on. What I did not know is that she was threathening till 6 months ago just out of the bluesnand he did not want to mention it to me as I had enough to handle. When he got off last year he told her husband and me irrespective of the consequences and has not contacted either of them ever since. The couple pose as a normal family for reasons best known to them. Also learnt that she often threathened to commit suicide and her husband being so high up in the ladder does not want to face the nonsense and goes on with the flow. He has given her everything and lives with her Socially. The decision is entirely mine if I want to move seperately or continue. Financially, I am very secure, though my husband has earned 95% of our savings. it is all on my or joint names. He is willing to give it all to me as well. Except for this, there has been no problems in all these years. I need to make a decision. I am currently in a state of shock. Cannot write details but its like a movie story. ....
     
  3. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Den,
    Be brave, the worst is over.Dont take any hasty decision , it will take a couple of months to see things in the correct perspective.
    You should confide in your siblings, friends so that you can get it off your chest. It really helps to know that people are there for you and will give you moral support.
    But dont forgive hubby immediately , take your time to think it out.
    Your DH was being blackmailed by that woman, why did her hubby want his wife to be forgiven?? Very strange.
    You can go for more counselling sessions to tide over this period.
    Take care.
     
  4. babysunshine

    babysunshine New IL'ite

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mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapedefaults v:ext="edit" spidmax="1026"/> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapelayout v:ext="edit"> <o:idmap v:ext="edit" data="1"/> </o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--> Dear All,
    I m facing with a similar problem. We are married for 3 years and trying to have a baby. Ours is a love marriage, my husband is 10 yrs elder to me. I love him very much but last year he started talking 2 one of his relative over phone. That lady hapend 2 b his cousin n dey startd talking aftr many years. His phone would always be on waiting n wen I askd him, he neglected it. Bt later I found dat he was talking for hours together with dat cousin. After much fights n intervention 4m my MIL, it looks like he has stopped. Bt I couldn’t trust him anymore. Even now, he talks 2 othr females n deletes in his mobile. It really hurts me. Whenever i ask him abt it, he blames on me dat i m suspecting him.. He makeseveryone beleive dat he is innocent n i m creating havoc. Even my parents & in-laws are beleving him. he plans his things so well. i m fed up with everything. I seriously doubts whether he likes me. I have a different issue to put forward. I don’t want to suspect my DH irrespentive of the activities he does. Once I start suspecting, our life turns topsy turvy, we don’t communicate for weeks n then it gets patched up… Plz help me.. I m tryng 2 conceive n these things r affecting my treatment very badly..
    :drowning
     
  5. sushmavja

    sushmavja Platinum IL'ite

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    babysunshine,
    in such a situation, i am wondering why do you want to plan for a baby!! if you think things would be ok when u have a baby then you are wrong..
     
  6. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear this Den. This is hard to digest for anyone but at the same time, if it was arranged marriage there was very little chance that the two of you would be sexually 100% compatible. You dont have to blame yourself for that because I am sure that if he is dissatisfied with you, I am sure you didnt have a great time with him in bed either. The only difference is that he ventured out and had an extra-marital affair. Just because the two of you are not compatible in bed, doesnt make you inadequate in any way. At the same time, the fact that ur husband did what he did, is bound to hurt you. Please accept my sympathies.
    If I were you, I would think independently about my husband's intentions and whether I can trust him. If I can, it may be worth making an open evaluation of what was lacking in your sex life that drove him to ur friend. Either way, as long as you can build that openness into ur marriage so he doesnt have to cheat on you the next time, you should be fine with where you are. In my view, you need to look at your marriage in a more holistic way when thinking about ur husband's affair. He needs to also understand that he has lost any moral ground when it comes to deciding how you should behave in this marriage. Be Independent, kind and flexible but make ur mind clear to him and everything will be fine.
     
  7. kylie

    kylie Gold IL'ite

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    dear babysunshine,

    I dont think it is wise on your part to plan a baby at this stage. There is a lot of emotional baggage that comes along with the birth of a child. Also i dont think it is fair on our part to force our children to go thru' emotional trauma when there is discord within the family. Your current situation could b a result of the age difference between u and yr husband. The fact that your husband talks to his cousin quite often could be because he feels that you may not be able to understand him or give him a patient hearing considering the age difference. After the intial charm and physical intimacy of a new marriage reduces, men generally want to come home to someone with whom they can discuss their office problems, have good home cooked meals, have someone who can mother them and ask how their day went and so on...

    Maybe there is nothing wrong in your marriage but just a couple of adjustments that r needed. Instead of worrying or planning a baby, maybe u should just sit back and evaluate what u can give to the relationship. Take some time off with your husband, go for a holiday and talk to each other as to what he expects out of u and what you want fm him. Many a times, people assume too much rather than communicate. Every marriage takes time to settle down and the best way to settle down faster is to communicate and b open about each other's expectations. Also dont be suspicious of every person he talks to unless u actually hear him say something inappropriate. Everyone needs his/her own space. Being married does not mean losing out on other relationships like friends and relatives.

    So go on and enjoy yr married life. These are the golden years before the baby comes in and turns your world topsy-turvy ! I am sure things will work out for you. Good luck !!

    love
    Kylie
     

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