How to overcome infidelity

KateOguinn · Dec 9, 2011

One way to feel more secure in your marriage is to have your husband transfer an important property or account into your name only. That does a couple of things. 1) he has a *LOT* to lose if he strays 2) you will have the resources to support yourself if he will not change his ways. 3) HE has to trust YOU 4) you won't need to be suspicious of him and will therefore be able to be more open and loving. It works for him as well.
By transferring property to you, he; 1) calms your fears, which makes his home more comfortable for him 2) he can stop saying "sorry" because he's given you insurance it won't happen again 3)he knows his wife is absolutely serious and strong about protecting *his* family from chaos.

Megalife · Dec 9, 2011

Dear Den
You really seem to be an embodiment of patience! I can just sum your H as a despicable man in relation with an equally disgraceful woman! Your health is just a defense used to make you feel at fault, if you were healthy, he would have formulated another story! I know a man who blamed his betrayal on his wife; saying that she’s all the time teaching the kids and not paying him attention…huh? What did he expect, to be greeted everyday with a bunch of red roses???!!!! We see several of these types around who value lust more than love, flesh more than empathy! Also women and men who sent these cheap vibes around too aren’t rare, it takes a “real man’ (or real women) to pay no heed to these! Many of my fellows ILs have already said, at the end of the day you have every reason to be satisfied; you are a proud mother of two wonderful children. I gather both of ‘these personalities in context” must be in their 40s, another few years and lust will fade off, craving for love, with a realization that they are the biggest fool. The remorse and ridicule which they will have to lead rest of their lives with will be their punishment. One can deceive anybody, but not ones conscious.
On your part, get charged and move ahead. Try to find a job or some source of an income. Don’t sit their and buy all his stories. Be strong, gone are those days when women used to suffer in silence. He has wronged you, in more than one way! Please do not remain engulfed in guilt and self pity, this is exactly what he wants to see you as.
Mega

anjananathan · Dec 9, 2011

>> One can deceive anybody, but not ones conscious. -- How true are these words megalife..

dear Den, please don't worry.. if others do mistake, we cannot do anything.. i am just wondering how come ur husband can do this after having 2 kids.. looks like he has no values for himself.. in future, when kids do mistake, with what face he can correct them when he has done such a big mistake..will you have heart to forgive him if he feels sorry for it..be strong.. i will include you in my prayers..

IndianFunTube · Dec 9, 2011

[JUSTIFY]To me, it sounds like you can work it out with him. Since your husband is remorseful and regrets it and is even willing to give up his smoking habit for all that he has put you though, I'd suggest you give him another chance. It's not rare these days to find cheating spouses. Some of them never change their ways and the rest admit their mistake and make amends. To me, it sounds like your husband is willing to make amends. Talk to him and see where this goes. One question though, what sort of a husband has he been so far? Is he respectful of you and understands your feelings? Has he always been beside you though thick and thin? If your answer is yes, he deserves another chance. If not, maybe it's time to move on with your life.
[/JUSTIFY]

Den · Dec 9, 2011

Thanks everyone for all your posts and your time to read thru this. Every individual reacts differently - about my husband. He is a nice man, generous and good hearted. When I say carried away - its a mans thing of a boosting an ego not lusty. On our home and married life, there was absolutely no issues all, just the usual inlaw problem - they get nicer when you give more money. I used to work and now at home. He moved jobs and has always wanted to succeed which he has . I took the back seat of being mother and wife full time. About our resources and investments. I have everything on joint names. He insisted on putting our home on my name for which I said no everything works joint. I have never had any issues with money as I have full access to our accounts (including his salary). I have never had to ask for money or anything. I do not know whether to take it as midlife crisis and I have seen many people around fooling around like this but it hurts to thing that a wonderful relationship is developing cracks. He has never ever raised his hand on me thru all these years and there are no majoy fights as well at home. My home has been a happy home. Currently he regrets, I've seen him changed. I don't write it because I yet love him but these are facts from my home and obsevations. He has been patient but there are time it gets the better of him. About our situation, no one knows. I insisted on it being my way as I have my kids in school in their important years. This would devastate them and then spilling it with family and friends, many I am sure would have biased oponions and I did not want it to be a gossip feeder. As I say, my kids are important - that is what matters. This anonymous email that I received - saying I was sick and my husband sought sex and did not value me. I am certain there is no truth to a hidden affair and an affair suceeds because of temporary benifits and lies. Things were going OK and now with this email, all the disaster day emotions have surfaced and I am finding it difficult to maintain my sanity. please pray and thank you

IndianFunTube · Dec 9, 2011

[JUSTIFY]There's nothing going against him other than this one sexual escapade. Trust me, I'm not exaggerating when I say most men (60-70%) cheat on their wives. Worst part is, their wives are not even aware of it. I once said the same thing to my senior project manager who is a woman and she literally tore me apart for having said that. Two years down the line her husband cheated on her and he had been cheating on her for a long while. Accept it or not, the truth doesn't change. It's a fact in the modern world we today live in. In fact, affairs involving married women are also on the rise these days. Your husband so far has a great track record in the way he has treated you. Talk to him. Tell him your pain. Discuss your issues with each other and open up a communication channel that allows either of you to express yourselves/your needs. I'm sure everything will work out well. Visit a marriage Councillor as well. Their advice will calm you down. They deal with such issues on a daily basis and they're the right people to give you a proper perspective. [/JUSTIFY]

Den · Dec 10, 2011

Is there anyone on this website who has gone thru a similar situations. In my case, my husband confessed his cheating before he would get caught. Just need to know how they deal with it? There are so many questions which I cannot ask my husband but need answers. Worse still, for all these years there was never any issues in our sexual life and then he going to sleep with this other woman. He said it was only to satisfy his need and she started to get emotional but why am I paying the price for their moments of enjoyment? I feel so foolish that I saw all the hints and ignored it thinking he would never do anything like this since he is a man of strong integrity and it would also get into arguments. And to also see a mail saying the experience (sexual) was so good that he went deeper into it. It kills me - and despite it all I cannot hate him and I feel I as so dead within. I've never had such fear and pain. What I fear is I am jeopardising his attempts to make up for his deeds with my aloofness. How do I get over it. Probably I will go and see a counseller. I did ask him to come - initially he said no but would do so for my sake. He is against counsellers right from the begining when we were young and have seen others go thru problems. He strongly believes that problems can be sorted between husband and wife if they are both willing to see thru it and talk it out. I've known people who have gone to counsellors with no outcome as well - so confused again.

flowerlady · Dec 10, 2011

Dear Den,
First of all see the writing on the wall , your hubby cheated on you , confessing does not make it good. He has cleverly transferred the burden of his guilt to you. He has become a hero by confessing his infidelity.
Maybe you dont want to come out of your comfort zone , your children need a stable home and you are bent on providing it while your DH has fun.
Why are you scared of taking your H to task ?? Are you afraid that he may come out with other confessions ? Its his marriage and kids too not just yours.
Children may smell a rat even if you try to protect and hide his true deeds.
When you ask him for property etc he will realise that he has to pay for his misdeeds and you will not tolerate any more nonsense.
Your sleepless nights will have no effect on him unless you shake him out of his bliss.
If you wish to feel miserable and keep your H on a pedestal so be it.
Smell the coffee , your H does not love you or his kids, he is a selfish man who loves only himself.

satchitananda · Dec 10, 2011

I only have a simple question Den. I shall make it personal, not generic (because the question is about your husband alone). Suppose, you were to do the same thing your husband did and came and confessed, but you were the perfect wife otherwise, what do you think would be his reaction. Would he do the same - meaning let bygones be bygones, try to make amends, stay put for stability of the children........

I think the answer to this question should give you the answer to yours.

Den · Dec 10, 2011

Dear Den,
First of all see the writing on the wall , your hubby cheated on you , confessing does not make it good. He has cleverly transferred the burden of his guilt to you. He has become a hero by confessing his infidelity.
Maybe you dont want to come out of your comfort zone , your children need a stable home and you are bent on providing it while your DH has fun.
Why are you scared of taking your H to task ?? Are you afraid that he may come out with other confessions ? Its his marriage and kids too not just yours.
Children may smell a rat even if you try to protect and hide his true deeds.
When you ask him for property etc he will realise that he has to pay for his misdeeds and you will not tolerate any more nonsense.
Your sleepless nights will have no effect on him unless you shake him out of his bliss.
If you wish to feel miserable and keep your H on a pedestal so be it.
Smell the coffee , your H does not love you or his kids, he is a selfish man who loves only himself.

Hi,

My kids are very important to me but yes not at the cost of my values will I stay in a marriage. I would have definately walked out if I had not seen his remorsefullness in the past year and had he been a man of no character otherwise. I say that because its not easy for a very sucessful man who sits high up a ladder telling people what to do to come home and adjust to my mood swings and do small things to please me or stay silent. About money, if I have to leave him or if he had to leave me either way I would benifit. Every account and property is joint with me as a signatory. He did tell me that he is willing to transfer everything only to my name if that makes me feel secure. Money has never been in question. My kids yet don't smell anything because besides this there has been nothing. Small tiffs which go on in every house and sorted at the moment. They've seen me not in the best of spirits and attribute it to my health but as parents we make their world normal. I am just going thru such a range of emotions and confusion that nothing makes sense.