How to move on

Dear ladies,

I always enjoy reading this forum as it gives unbiased advices to ladies who face challenges with life. If you have read my previous post you will learn that I I face some challenges myself with my husband but have managd to take it in the right stride so far. I just celebrated 16th anniversary with my husband and had the Upanayanam ceremony (coming of age thread ceremony) for my son celebrated all of which I have planned and executed without the help of my husband unless he offered here and there which I accepted graciously.
I have been pretty independent financially as well as physically taking care of the family (His parents and our son) because he needed to be in India to take care of the dreams which is to build a business in India.

My husband presently is facing some challenges with his business. Last week he brought his father to India to help him in some area. My FIL is 75 years old. We had a maid before the present maid there whom he had a soft corner for (not in a bad way!). But this maid misbehaved very badly and when we confronted her she left us. At that time because of the urgency, I sent my maid to India immediately so that there is no disruption there. This is a girl who had worked for me in Singapore for 2 years and had been honest throughout. Since she went there, she has been telling me that when my FIL goes to India he contacts the maid before and goes and sees her. Now I was not disturbed about his character but I was wondering if she is getting any money out of him or what. Whe I told this to my husband the firsttime I heard this he over reacted and said things like he is ashamed of his father ....which I did not like. Then he created so much problem there that I wished I had not told him about it.

Now recently when my FIL went there, the same thing happened. When my maid called and told me about it, I was confused. This time I did not call my husband. Instead I called my sister in law and asked her what she thinks I should do. She siad given my husband's disposition not to tell him first but ask FIL waht was happening. I thought it was the right thing thena and I asked him about it. He refused what I said and then I spoke to my SIl again. She called him and he said the same thing. But my maid insisted that he went to see her. My SIL told me then that it is better to inform my husband about it and then let him deal with it. I told my husband and all hell broke loose. He told me that the whole thing was a farce by my maid and I chose to believe a maid over his father,. I should have approached him first and that I have messed up everything. And that I have no right to question his father. What he does even if he did was his buisiness.

Now, I immediately took a step back. I did not argue. Suddenly whether my FIL did it or not ws not important to me. I should not have questioned him. So I apologised to him and his father.I cut all my ties with the maid and I have not spoken to her since.

My husband called the next day and gave me a big lecture of how could I have done such a thing.. which I heard through. Finally I told him that I have made a mistake and am sincere in my apology. Everybody makes mistake and thatwe need to move on. Hearing this he explode to say that he need not do anything. It is I who need to make amends. I asked him what should I do. The answer I got was that I had to reflect and find the answer myself. He has been scarred. So I told him I understand and that I hope time will heal.

For a week, I would call him everyday like I normally do but he refused to talk to me normally. I left it at that. But I did not want to become inconsistent and make things worse.

Last week he called me again and asked me what I have reflected on. I said nothing. I have apologised. I cannot change what has happened, He hung up on me.

Then I sent him a card which said that I am sad that things are not normal between us and wished it were because I love him.

On receipt of the card, he called me and told me that I should not do this until I fix things between us.

My questions are these.

1.All the while I have been taking care of my parents in law. Not him. Do I not have the right to question him ?

2. My father lies a lot. This is known to everyone in the family. Else my sister in law hereself will not have questioned him.

3. The last time when my FIL was there and the maid said the same thing, my husband said that he was ashemed of his father. Suddely I am wrong?

4. If what I did was that unpardonable..... what about the people who gave the advice and the maid who supposedly lied. Why did he not get rid of her?


I am not asking these questions to justify my action. At the end of the day, my FIL is his father and I should have told him first before confronting him. But I did it in good intent hoping to solve the problem if any myself. Does that not count for something?

I have not cried nor am I upset. I am very calm and collected and I am proud of that. What do you think my husband wants me to do? Ia m really lost.

 

Thanks Uma and Preethi,

As advised by you, I have spoken to him for a while. Let me see if things improve, Again thanks for your suggestions.