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How to move on

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lakshmis66, Jul 31, 2008.

  1. lakshmis66

    lakshmis66 New IL'ite

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    Dear ladies,

    I always enjoy reading this forum as it gives unbiased advices to ladies who face challenges with life. If you have read my previous post you will learn that I I face some challenges myself with my husband but have managd to take it in the right stride so far. I just celebrated 16th anniversary with my husband and had the Upanayanam ceremony (coming of age thread ceremony) for my son celebrated all of which I have planned and executed without the help of my husband unless he offered here and there which I accepted graciously.
    I have been pretty independent financially as well as physically taking care of the family (His parents and our son) because he needed to be in India to take care of the dreams which is to build a business in India.

    My husband presently is facing some challenges with his business. Last week he brought his father to India to help him in some area. My FIL is 75 years old. We had a maid before the present maid there whom he had a soft corner for (not in a bad way!). But this maid misbehaved very badly and when we confronted her she left us. At that time because of the urgency, I sent my maid to India immediately so that there is no disruption there. This is a girl who had worked for me in Singapore for 2 years and had been honest throughout. Since she went there, she has been telling me that when my FIL goes to India he contacts the maid before and goes and sees her. Now I was not disturbed about his character but I was wondering if she is getting any money out of him or what. Whe I told this to my husband the firsttime I heard this he over reacted and said things like he is ashamed of his father ....which I did not like. Then he created so much problem there that I wished I had not told him about it.

    Now recently when my FIL went there, the same thing happened. When my maid called and told me about it, I was confused. This time I did not call my husband. Instead I called my sister in law and asked her what she thinks I should do. She siad given my husband's disposition not to tell him first but ask FIL waht was happening. I thought it was the right thing thena and I asked him about it. He refused what I said and then I spoke to my SIl again. She called him and he said the same thing. But my maid insisted that he went to see her. My SIL told me then that it is better to inform my husband about it and then let him deal with it. I told my husband and all hell broke loose. He told me that the whole thing was a farce by my maid and I chose to believe a maid over his father,. I should have approached him first and that I have messed up everything. And that I have no right to question his father. What he does even if he did was his buisiness.

    Now, I immediately took a step back. I did not argue. Suddenly whether my FIL did it or not ws not important to me. I should not have questioned him. So I apologised to him and his father.I cut all my ties with the maid and I have not spoken to her since.

    My husband called the next day and gave me a big lecture of how could I have done such a thing.. which I heard through. Finally I told him that I have made a mistake and am sincere in my apology. Everybody makes mistake and thatwe need to move on. Hearing this he explode to say that he need not do anything. It is I who need to make amends. I asked him what should I do. The answer I got was that I had to reflect and find the answer myself. He has been scarred. So I told him I understand and that I hope time will heal.

    For a week, I would call him everyday like I normally do but he refused to talk to me normally. I left it at that. But I did not want to become inconsistent and make things worse.

    Last week he called me again and asked me what I have reflected on. I said nothing. I have apologised. I cannot change what has happened, He hung up on me.

    Then I sent him a card which said that I am sad that things are not normal between us and wished it were because I love him.

    On receipt of the card, he called me and told me that I should not do this until I fix things between us.

    My questions are these.

    1.All the while I have been taking care of my parents in law. Not him. Do I not have the right to question him ?

    2. My father lies a lot. This is known to everyone in the family. Else my sister in law hereself will not have questioned him.

    3. The last time when my FIL was there and the maid said the same thing, my husband said that he was ashemed of his father. Suddely I am wrong?

    4. If what I did was that unpardonable..... what about the people who gave the advice and the maid who supposedly lied. Why did he not get rid of her?


    I am not asking these questions to justify my action. At the end of the day, my FIL is his father and I should have told him first before confronting him. But I did it in good intent hoping to solve the problem if any myself. Does that not count for something?

    I have not cried nor am I upset. I am very calm and collected and I am proud of that. What do you think my husband wants me to do? Ia m really lost.
     
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  2. Uma Jogi

    Uma Jogi Senior IL'ite

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    hi lakshmi...

    though am very younger in age than you...am telling u my heartfelt feelings about ur situation...
    My father always used to tell me that our patience really helps us to get on in life...!!
    that till today i followed the same..!! i too feel very much rejected in life...but keeping calm and serene would really solve our probs sometimes..!!
    As male world is full of EGO... i felt like..why didnt u informed the same to ur husband first...though u might have trust in ur maid...even then !!
    anyways past is past...and i tell u please dont get depressed and isolated... this really make our things messup...keep cool as ur now..!!
    U will be in my prayers...dont worry....Time will solve all ur problems....
    If u have some hopes on this idea of mine...try doing this..!
    like juts dont call ur husband for some more days...and i hope he feels the responsibility and love..!! This time let us wait what he does..!!
    please take care
     
  3. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Lakshmi,

    The first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was this ' Your husband is simply over reacting '... He neednt make a mountain out of a molehill.. :spinHe is just throwing tantrums for reasons he best knows.. I can say just ignore the whole issue.. You tell him that you dont know what to do when he asks about " to reflect and find the answer yourself for " scarring " him !! He is exaggerating.:thumbsdown You got to know something and you asked.. you realised it could have been wrong and you apologised.. Matter over !! This is not any kind of unpardonable thing ! Had it been your father you would have done the same thing too. You just took up the same liberty. If that was wrong then say fine and dont talk abt it. He doesnt have to nag about it.tsk It was a very good thing that you did not argue whenever there was an issue and you maintnd your attitude.:hatsoff It is really good. You also made efforts to get things back to normal by doing sweet nothings like card etc.. As he expected you were doing something to nullify the bitterness in your way rite.. He is not happy with it.. then he has to open up and say what he wants you to do to " de-scar " him ??:rolleyes: He is cluless and doesnt accept what you doing as well is insanity. Ask him to speak up or move on letting it go. Dont call him and say anythin for sometime. His father wants to do whatever with maid or with vegetable seller is their problem. You dont care no more ! Keep quite for some days and the matter will settle down in due time.. Your questions answered as my opinion..

    .All the while I have been taking care of my parents in law. Not him. Do I not have the right to question him ? - Oh yes.. you just took liberty.. no harm. But then Indian men' ego allows their wife only to be a doormat to themselves and their parents and not take up any rights ! :exactly:

    2. My father lies a lot. This is known to everyone in the family. Else my sister in law hereself will not have questioned him. - Maybe .. Dont bother much about your father in law as i said.. Your hubby is just offended that something ill about his pop was told. All of us feel it right ? Just ignore.. :oops:

    3. The last time when my FIL was there and the maid said the same thing, my husband said that he was ashemed of his father. Suddely I am wrong? - Once bitten Twice Shy ! You must tell him that you thought the maid must have been misusing your father in law's money hence was concerned if there is any danger. So alarmed son and father. But then if they dont understnd that and want to continue being goofed.. well.. then people learn from mistakes !! :hide:

    4. If what I did was that unpardonable..... what about the people who gave the advice and the maid who supposedly lied. Why did he not get rid of her?
    - Simply bcoz you wont leave the job !! He can throw tantrums only to you and he does that to the maid.. she will move on to another house !! Basicly this is not unpardonable. You didnt belv anyone.. Even if you did.. you were worried abt the safety of this 75 year old human ! If that is wrong then .. what can anyone say .. :|
     
  4. lakshmis66

    lakshmis66 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Uma and Preethi,

    As advised by you, I have spoken to him for a while. Let me see if things improve, Again thanks for your suggestions.
     

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