How To Manage Mother In Law?

Newbee1 · Nov 16, 2017

EverydayBloom said: ↑

Hi OP,

These are newly wed couples issues, first try to build trust between your relationship, unconditional compatibility will fix everything, for that both partners need to work towards, trusting a fellow person is the difficult task, if it is arranged marriage, then it needs more effort. So, I would suggest you to work towards it before jumping into finances, I know your DH might be supporting his family expenses but talking against them might stain your relationship with him, enjoy the first couple of years are marriage on building the foundation, rest everything will fall in place soon, you cannt change years together accustomed habits (sending money to his parents) overnight, take it slowly. If possible join work or higher studies, which is feasible for your visa status.

Good luck
Click to expand...

Thanks EverydayBloom,
your advice gave me an encouragement I needed. I know it will be test of my patience and sometimes I do break down. but reading all these messages does give me a hope.

zeppelingirl · Nov 16, 2017

ashneys said: ↑

If he points to financial problem for the sexual issue, again don't fall for it.
Click to expand...

If he thinks financial problem is the reason for not giving you the happiness you deserve.. you should tell this to his parents & your parents

Newbee1 · Nov 16, 2017

zeppelingirl said: ↑

Do you speak with your parents everyday??

if so, why cant he speak with his mom everyday?? If you don't like being a part of their conversation, don't join him when they call.. let he alone talk with his parents.. but you can't tell him not to speak with his parents everyday..

what if he is telling you not to speak with your mother everyday, how would you feel about that?

You should give him that space, your MIL is your DH's mother..
Click to expand...

No I dont speak with my family everyday. I call them once a week and whenever I do its not for 2 hours. His family on the other side will call everyday and they want to know everything,what we eat ,when we sleep ,what we have shopped, I mean every little details and that bugs me. His dad once asked where is my room and he meant kitchen by that.

zeppelingirl · Nov 16, 2017

Newbee1 said: ↑

No I dont speak with my family everyday. I call them once a week and whenever I do its not for 2 hours. His family on the other side will call everyday and they want to know everything,what we eat ,when we sleep ,what we have shopped, I mean every little details and that bugs me. His dad once asked where is my room and he meant kitchen by that.
Click to expand...

that is rude.. you should have shown them the rooms pointing, thats OUR bedroom, thats OUR kitchen, and this is OUR house..

when he speaks with his parents next time, you go and call your parents, speak with them.. when he asks you to join him, tell him that you need to have some quality time with him after he comes back from office, so you calling your home when is on call with his family to save time.. before that make sure you speak with your parents atleast in alternate days..

Newbee1 · Nov 16, 2017

zeppelingirl said: ↑

If he thinks financial problem is the reason for not giving you the happiness you deserve.. you should tell this to his parents & your parents
Click to expand...

His parents know this. I also told my mom recently but the thing is it feels awkward for me and my family to talk to them about financial matter. Why dont they just realize themselves that this is affecting their son? Thats beyond my thinking. They know that he is seeing a doctor , we have added medical , dietary expenses here but everytime they call us they are only excited about their upcoming trip here and making a list what to buy from here, I dont understand this. How can they be so ignorant? We will be 5 persons in 1 bed 1 bath aprtment for 2 months

Dishaa · Nov 16, 2017

Newbee1 said: ↑

Hi,
Thanks I will keep i mind the points you metioned.
I really like the 4th point, I so want to try it out but I guess he has enough savings in his pocket and his family will end up getting everything. Even if he is struggling with the finances he wont tell me as he thinks I might ask not to spend on his parents(which is exactly I want to do but without letting him now about it )
So I am not sure about this trick as it might backfire.
Click to expand...

Hi Op,

This is not a trick, it actually happened during my initial days of marriage. After marriage my husband purchased expensive gifts for his parents used my debit card and his credit card.

First time there was no rice, wheat, oil, salt, veggies etc to cook. Second time there was shortage of funds Rs. 1,000/- (full month) both times in laws personally came and saw and even checked our bank details, they purchased as all the money was used for gifting them.

I ensured my papa didn't paid for any of these (initially he didn't stayed with us).

Now we have a Recurring Deposit and save on monthly basis and use that money for gifting and other activities.

How many months a salaried person can survive on savings, please note prices for day to day expenses is all time high whether its in India or any other country, either today or tomorrow all the savings will get exhausted. Sometimes things take a "U turn" only after it reaches an extreme point.

Best wishes....

MonikaSG · Nov 16, 2017

Its really tough to ignore or avoid the situation but for a long term relationship u have to do this. Because this problem will not continue for long but the words that u use to talk that's either to convince or explain or anything it could be will remain in everyone's mind forever. ILs never forget anything anytime. I feel that u should talk to ur dh and tell him that his family is so nice and what he do to them is also good. And I am with u always. Also show him ur needs without complaining. This might take time and u have to adjust but once the problem solved with love it will be solved for forever. But if it gets solved with anger or disrespect then the problem will be solved but u will never be able to enjoy a good relation with ur H.

Newbee1 · Nov 16, 2017

MonikaSG said: ↑

Its really tough to ignore or avoid the situation but for a long term relationship u have to do this. Because this problem will not continue for long but the words that u use to talk that's either to convince or explain or anything it could be will remain in everyone's mind forever. ILs never forget anything anytime. I feel that u should talk to ur dh and tell him that his family is so nice and what he do to them is also good. And I am with u always. Also show him ur needs without complaining. This might take time and u have to adjust but once the problem solved with love it will be solved for forever. But if it gets solved with anger or disrespect then the problem will be solved but u will never be able to enjoy a good relation with ur H.
Click to expand...

yeah, thats the thing.
I want to get rid of this problem as soon as possible but I also dont want to hurt my husbands feelings.

Newbee1 · Nov 16, 2017

Dishaa said: ↑

Hi Op,

This is not a trick, it actually happened during my initial days of marriage. After marriage my husband purchased expensive gifts for his parents used my debit card and his credit card.

First time there was no rice, wheat, oil, salt, veggies etc to cook. Second time there was shortage of funds Rs. 1,000/- (full month) both times in laws personally came and saw and even checked our bank details, they purchased as all the money was used for gifting them.

I ensured my papa didn't paid for any of these (initially he didn't stayed with us).

Now we have a Recurring Deposit and save on monthly basis and use that money for gifting and other activities.

How many months a salaried person can survive on savings, please note prices for day to day expenses is all time high whether its in India or any other country, either today or tomorrow all the savings will get exhausted. Sometimes things take a "U turn" only after it reaches an extreme point.

Best wishes....
Click to expand...

Thanks Dishaa for sharing this advice. I will see how things go frm hereon and try to do what you did. Hopefully it will help.

prreeya · Nov 16, 2017

Newbee1 said: ↑

Hey, Thanks a lot for your advice. I appreciate it. I find this solution very practical and will surely follow.
But sometimes I lose my patience like when I asked for TV(he didnt have one) he bluntly said that we cant afford it. he wont say a word when some demand comes from his family. He in fact shows that he is more than happy to fulfill their demands. When we were on vacation one time, his parents and brother kept calling us everyday and taunted me when I didnt reply. These things infuriates me.
BTW did I tell you his family wants to have conversation every single day. Whats with that? I dont understand their need to talk to us everyday. I feel that they are making sure that they are in control of everything my husband does. What I mean to say is they are all like, biwi aayi to kahin ye hame na bhul jaye so we will just call him everyday and check what he does. When I asked my husband about it he said he is totally on my side and they need to cut it down. But to my surprise he still talks to his mum everyday. I know I shouldnt have but I checked his phone one time and came to know about this.
Click to expand...

Calling everyday is also biggest issue...I understand we should be in touch but everyday its impossible. And then they find some reasons like you don't want to talk to us ...you are rude and all but they don't understand how to take out time everyday working woman with kids and no domestic help.