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How To Manage Kid Job Pregnancy With Complications

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lakshmipav, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    OP, good that he loves your daughter - that is one less thing for you to worry about. For the very same reason, you can be reasonably assured that he wont carry out his empty threat. So, if you are in this to keep your family intact, you have to make more effort in a particular direction - it is not enough for your daughter to just have her father and mother, it is also important for her to witness good relationships. Considering how that will be asking for a lot, with the way your husband has been behaving, you must put all your efforts into getting back your self respect in this house.
    Focus your attention on yourself. You, your pregnancy, your growing baby, and your little child. I'm sorry to hear about your parents, and for the time being, we cannot do anything about them. Save yourself first.
    You should start practicing disengagement with your spouse. Even if you give back, it is engaging them. It enables their abusive nature - especially in those prone to anger issues. Do you really think if you give back to your spouse or MIL, they will start seeing the error of their ways or realise its painful to you? No! They are just going to use that to fuel more anger against you.
    I am not advising you to shut up. You can give back : they will know they cant say whatever they please to you. But I urge you to go even stronger. Start engaging yourself in ways that you will have minimal interaction with them.
    Stop looking to your husband to help you out. Stop expecting him to be nice. Make yourself independent, cultivate a space and lifestyle for you. Enjoy your daughters company. And move on.
    Give up spending any kind of energy or effort on them. Put it all into yourself and your children.
    When they retaliate in anger - they will, be forewarned - FIRST dont bother, dont let it affect your mind...please please its super tough, but the most essential. Be cool; you can reply back, but dont argue. Just give your piece of mind and move on. Ensure you move physically away if the situation turns towards physical demonstrations. This coolness of mind, I-dont-give-a-damn will be your biggest weapon.

    Also, about the bed: if space constraints are an issue, maybe you can look at replacing your sofa with a sofa cum bed kind of thing? Just a suggestion.

    Regarding your health, please ensure you take care of YOUR diet, and get exercise - it is very important for GD. Are you on diet control alone, or taking insulin/tablets?

    One more thing, just because your family back in India is unable to support you does not mean you are helpless. If it really comes to it, there are always other resources that you can tap. So YOU don't think you are lost case and sitting here helpless (whatever your husband things - who cares!) - remember that you are here to enable your daughter /children have their father's love in their day-to-day lives - and you are a strong woman for making that choice!
    Lots of love to you.
     
    KashmirFlower and blindpup10 like this.
  2. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    @Lakshmipav,
    Please take care of yourself honey. Agree with all the ladies here, pls take steps one by one as per suggestions given here already. My head is spinning reading about the atrocities of your husband and family. Please continue to remain strong. And don't loose hope. Just make sure you are prepared well enough for yourself and your babies.

    In terms of handling that person you call DH, call the authorities. He is causing you emotional pain. You are not only responsible for yourself but for your babies too. IF you fall sick, who will take care of your daughter like you do? I doubt that man is of any help to his daughter nor will his mom. You may decide to not charge him but atleast he will get the idea that you will not take the nonsense lightly.
    Besides, IS there any good relative/ friend you know nearby who can intervene?

    In the meanwhile, make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Especially for gestational diabetes, make sure you have set a routine that you can manage easily.
    In my GD pregnancy, I did following. Pls consider this list as a helpful suggestion. But check with your doctors every month.

    1. Set alarm for taking testing my sugar levels before and after meals. Keep a notebook for all your readings. If you have a glucose monitor with a built in memory, that will also help in recording your levels and showing them to your doctor.

    2. Prepare your healthy snacks ( whichever your OBGYN and specialist recommended to eat) in advance and keep 3-4 containers handy all the time. I could not eat apple, so I would keep lots of nuts, boiled eggs, paneer etc handy. Always eat your meals when you are in a silent place. Be happy when you eat and relax as much as you can in between work.

    3. For cooking the meals for him and his mom, simply call a cook at home. Depending on where you stay, the cook will charge about $10 per hour for coming home to cook. If that is not possible, order tiffin. IF that is not possible, ask his mom to cook and clean after herself. If she does not, ask her to leave. And when she leaves, ask this man to feed himself. he is not a baby anymore

    4. Store your health info ( write it down a hard piece of paper. like the one you get from red cross in wallet size). Write everything- Your due date, contact number of your doctors, your employer, friend, emergency contact, your blood group and that you have gestational diabetes. Let your close knit office colleague also know. Make 2-3 copies of this paper. One for your wallet, one for every bag you carry, and one in office.

    5. Do not bother learning driving from this man. I suggest do not bother learning to drive when ur already under stress. Uber/ taxi service is your friend. Store their numbers on speed dial. Plan all your doctor visits in advance and hire taxi. Do not worry about expenses.

    6. About expenses and income, speak with HR in office and ask them to help with new bank account for depositing salary. Many companies have on call bank reps, who help employees with their banking needs. Keep your SSN and address proof handy. In general, in such hostile environments, always keep your and daughters visa, passports and imp documents in a safe place..away from hostile people at home

    7. If you have access to you tube, please listen to pregnancy meditation for keeping yourself and baby relaxed. It is a tough time for you, but it shall pass soon.

    Good luck and lots of hugs to you.
     
  3. Anbhu

    Anbhu Silver IL'ite

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    Considering your husband said "he will kick you in your pregnant stomach" and reading your statement "your daughter one whom he likes most than even his mother" want to tell you only one thing. "YOU PLEASE GROW UP YOURSELF FIRST and see the reality".
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  4. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies u all gave me support with ur words .. I can't say just thank you. Am not talking with him after he said kick u in stomach.. Doing my n my baby works n not taking with sng one .He was asking today what happend like nothing happend .. I asked don't u know what happend or u just woke up after 3 days ..I said I can never forget or forgive for what he said n asked like do u what will happen if u kick in pregnant women he said simply oh that I told out of anger .. I felt like punching on face.. I asked him u came to my room woke me up in midnight asked me leave the bed room told I will kick u if u don't leave how come all of sudden in anger what mistake I have made ..? He was mum n saying forget about it.. I said I can't really I can't .. I did forgive 1000 of times when he abused me badly always wished my death but I can never forget this one .. I will remind him this again n again unless he feels the pain of what I gone through ..

    Yes he loves his daughter to the core n says leave my house n my baby .. My mom will take care of baby or I will keep nanny .. I said Iam also lease owner of this house n mother of baby .. U cant seperate me from my baby ..this man speaks like very bad words I even can't dare to write it here on daily basis .. He says he will buy a big home n earn untill 70 years where his daughter can stay with him after marriage as He can't live without her .. He cried when she went to school first day Iam just silent don't want to make her cry more after seeing her crying a lot at school ..

    Even after 5 years of marriage I can't understand him .. Am very angry with him feeling like not seeing his face but helpless .. Now my baby seeing him shouting at me saying dad is bad n asked him why ru shouting .. He came down little bit saying nothing baby .. I told her not to be angry with dad he is nice n loves u a lot ..

    Mil used to be nice untill last year before her younger son married life is in problem they r going through divorce .. Now she fighting with her son for small things n they end up showing anger on me ..

    Am taking initiative to be more independent n strong .. My baby is my mental support . I will live smile n earn for her make her life happy can bear any thing for her God has to give me that patience strength always ..
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  5. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot for the advice .. Iam fallowing all these got diet plan also .. But due to stress sometimes I miss .. But will make sure I will fallow everything after all it's my health n my baby health ..am squeezing time for walk too just leaving baby at home doing things which brings me happyness .
     
  6. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for ur support n kind words ..I took my bed back said I will sleep with my baby on my bed .. If either his mom or he wants to sleep on this they can .. If they feel space not enough they can opt sofa bcoz it's thier head ache not mine ..now he got matress n sleeping in hall on it and offered his mom the other bed room ..I told I will need this bed Completly after delivery to keep both my babies.. Bcoz any how I need to take care of both my kids ..

    Iam standing strong towards my rights leaving few things not giving attention what he say n shout .. I just lock my door n sleep with my baby ..
     
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  7. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Good to read this. You are showing some courage and assertiveness for your rights and values.I understand you cant go gor a divorce and separate your child from him.Even if your parents and brothers can't come to US, call them often dear. Gather as much as emotional support for your mental well being. I sincerely wish and pray all your problems will be solved and your husband realises his grave mistakes. Take care dear!!
     
  8. zales

    zales Silver IL'ite

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    OP, I can't believe a husband unprovokingly told his wife that he will kick her pregnant stomach! What kind of a monster talks like that? Before you close this incident, you need to tell him clearly that you will be calling 911 the next time he says anything like that. It does not matter if he says it out of anger and does not mean it, saying such a thing is unacceptable. And also remind him he is going to be in BIG trouble should you report that you fear for the life of your unborn child (because he threatened to kick you or whatever).
     
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  9. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    I have to warn you OP, don't keep reminding him about it. But next time he mentions something like that tell him something to stop it right then and there at that moment. Reminding men of the past is annoying to them, you have to resolve it right at that moment. Don't prolong it for days. It is good that things got resolved. Just be careful and proactive next time.
     
    Bubbles likes this.
  10. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    When I initially saw this thread.. I didn't read because of the title you have mentioned.. Thinking I will not be able to guide or advice on this.. But when I read , it is a different thing I saw.. I am so sorry for you sweety.. Many of the friends have already given valuable suggestions to you, please follow them. I want to add one thing here.. His shoutings,yellings or yours and dh arguement might\will affect DD's well bieng. Please convey this to your Dh.. You mentioned he loves his daughter.. He might change a bit thinking of Dd.. I dont have much to say.. Just couldnt resist replying to you. I happy that you are assertive now, countinue bieng so.. Stay strong and focus on your health.. Your thread put me into tears.
    Lots of love to you sweety.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.

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