1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How To Make Sure You Marry Man Who Is Kind, Responsible, Helpful

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SuiDhaaga, Dec 17, 2021.

  1. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,313
    Likes Received:
    1,527
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I am reading past posts from 2013 about husband not being there for wife, but is there for others.

    Wife is so in love she believes husband is good man with kind ❤️.

    I escaped marriage with someone who was mean and stupid, had no job, no education but gave false promises to parents who believe boys are better than girls.

    Now I am attracted to men with good business sense, good responsibility, good income who can support wife and kids (I often see social media profiles of top earning men and dream to be married to them, and having a family with them - doesn’t matter their looks)

    Who understands that division of labor means 50/50, not 100/0. Believe me, I have plenty of work at home, plus prepping to go to office, snd taking care of stuff at work too!

    I’m hoping the man is rich enough that I can just work at home (a woman’s work is never done). I don’t mind doing telecommuting job from home even if it means less pay.

    Right now I see women (American women, not Desi) who do the lions share of work at home, taking care of babies, prepping for work, whlie husband dresses in shorts and baseball cap and resents helping out. No wonder lot of women are tired, irritable and angry!

    My questions is, how do I defeat the mindset of, “My husband will be horrible after marriage and I will be trapped”

    As of yet I am not comfortable with live in relationship.

    I understand one member who came out if abusive marriage is now in a wonderful relationship (not married). She advised that in her experience men only want to marry for easy life, not because they want to be with you. She Also said it would make sense to marry if you plan on having any children.

    These were her thoughts (if I recall correctly)

    I Hopi I did not upset anyone with my comments or immature thinking (my marriage lasted less than 6 months physically staying in same place, my parents house)
     
    Loading...

  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    477
    Likes Received:
    1,020
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Have hope, be positive, keep your eyes wide open, don't blindly believe whatever is claimed, trust your instincts, when in doubt: ask - don't assume, tone-down your criteria a little & categorise it to non-negotiable and adjustable stuff, expect some nasty surprises and equip yourself financially & emotionally and accept that you cannot have it all.

    Importantly, you cannot be sure of everything. Leave room for uncertainty and the unexpected. Income, houses etc., can be seen, assessed and made sure of. But, inside of a person .. the kind, responsible, helpful, sense and all the rest you are talking about need to be discovered over a period of time.



    Maybe by less visits to "Married life/relationship with in-laws" forums?!

    Be positive, be hopeful. Take time to know the person before you get married. Don't be overwhelmed by the posts in relationship forums. Not all men are the same. It's just that the stories of good guys aren't shared much.

     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2021
    SuiDhaaga and chanchitra like this.
  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,313
    Likes Received:
    1,527
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female

    I try to avoid Married Life forum but sometimes a title just catches my eye, I have to read.

    It is like Eve being tempted to eat the Apple by the Serpent.

    I thought I had reasonable criteria. Ok, I don't expect Husband to be a celebrity, but someone who is kind, responsible, had decent income. Bottom line it should be 50/50 contribution to household and family. Whether I can stay home and do housework, or I can telecommute, etc

    As a single lady, I am overwhelmed with all the work I have to do but at least my family understands
    1. There is only 24 hours for me
    2. They want me to get full 8 hours sleep
    3. They allow me to spend money as I wish
    4. They understand what I've been through, and now they no longer worship a proposed matrimonial match. What's makes the person special anyway, because he is a male?

    You are right, I will not click any thread title unless it has to do with sewing, life smartness (i.e. best purse to buy)


    Expect nasty surprises? Like what????

    Things I cannot tolerate
    1. Abuse (physical or emotional, esp emotional)
    2. Adultery. I don't care if Kings, Deities, Gurus had more than one wife. That is not excuse for cheating.
    3. Addiction to illicit things.
     
  4. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    165
    Likes Received:
    94
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Take your time in getting to know someone. You’re right western women or women’s who are born abroad have it tough. Ask me I should know. I’ll add more later.
     
    SuiDhaaga likes this.
  5. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,313
    Likes Received:
    1,527
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female

    Please tell me more.

    people in India dream about living in USA.

    However it is women who are expected to work, take. Are of home and hearth.

    What use are husbands other that to sit in their ass and abuse? But to the outside world they are the best and the woman is flawed.
     
  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,299
    Likes Received:
    19,997
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Female
    Firstly no marriage is also perfect.

    Life itself is a gamble and so is marriage.Hit or miss.That too depends on our attitude.


    Sometimes our expectations also results in disappointments.


    Three things which was important in my case:

    1) need to feel comfortable
    2) no physical or domestic abuse
    3) trust

    Nothing else matters.

    I can point 100 flaws in my husband and he can do the same to me.Hubby is lazy when it comes to housework but I overlook that coz he has many plus points.


    You need to know what is important and what matters to you which should also be practical.

    My suggestion for you is to relax and focus more on yourself.Improve upon yourself and do not try too hard for anything.Take a break.
    Sometimes everything will happen at the right time.you never know!

    Yes we need to make the effort but also allow the flow to be more organic.

    All the very best.
     
  7. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,004
    Likes Received:
    1,241
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
     
  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,004
    Likes Received:
    1,241
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Women have better rights in America than India for sure.
    Women let their husband's control them.asking permission for every thing.
    Outside world is not that judgemental nowadays.
    It's always better to get out of abusive relationships.
    Why waste a precious life give by our parents and god.
     
    SuiDhaaga likes this.
  9. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,313
    Likes Received:
    1,527
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    When we were doing matrimonial searches I was put under pressure. At least now we are not doing matrimonial searches, so I am happy.

    But this

    I guess I have tunnel vision based on a "marriage" that lasted 8 months.

    For instance there is a cute guy who lives on the floor of my building. But I am having a resistance to him because what-if he is this, what-if he is that.

    I really need to meditate on your words. Some scars are deep, need more time to heal.

    I'm glad we are not pursuing matrimonial search. It would be like competing for the olympics while your body is still recovering form a major injury!
     
    anika987 likes this.
  10. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,313
    Likes Received:
    1,527
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female

    This put a lump in my throat.

    Must meditate upon this when I am feeling down for the past. Let me enjoy my singleness now.
     
    chanchitra likes this.

Share This Page